No matter how much charisma you think you have, or how you alter your behavior, a good portion of people you meet isn’t going to be interested or available at that point of time. Dating is a numbers game to a certain extent.
There are a lot of dating advice out there that sells you a foolproof technique to get around dealing with rejection. Unfortunately, that is just marketing. The man who gets rejected the most often gets to most results as well. This doesn’t happen by chance. It saves you hours, days and years of time sink. Our job is to get to the point whether someone either is going to move forward with us or not, in the shortest time possible.
Incompatibility in Life Circumstances
If you’ve made a value of not going out with someone who doesn’t value your time, then the girls or people that reject you become immediately incompatible. If you’ve drawn the line of not hanging out with people who don’t value you as a person, then you’ll no longer need to play the chasing game.
The majority of times, you get rejected not because we did something creepy or obnoxious, but because of mere circumstances. There is a ton multitude of external circumstances that prevent someone from moving things forward romantically or sexually with you.
External factors can range from being already attached, the number of days you have left within the city, her cat dying, her friend’s opinions on how you look like the ex-boyfriend that cheated on her. Basically, factors that you can’t control. This is when are conversing with someone who looks at your longingly and deep into your eyes but holds back giving you her number. She probably has a boyfriend or a husband.
It is also a perfect example of the limitations of attraction and how most women or men at any given time won’t be available to you no matter what you do or say, or how attracted he or she is to you at that point in time. There’s nothing you can do when if you’re out with a virgin that has sworn off sex till marriage. It’s not about your ability to be charismatic anymore, it’s not about ‘persuasion’ anymore. No expert, line or ‘frame’ can help you, it’s a simple statistical incompatibility.
It’s only when you approach your dating life and actually INVITE rejection, you’ll be moulded to expose your values in the shortest period of time possible. You cut out the mind games, you expose your needs, desires and you establish clear boundaries. You stop wasting time and moves things forward efficiently.
Projection occurs when someone projects one’s own unconscious judgment onto others in everyday life.
This often comes in the form of character judgments. In dating and relationships, it can occur when you meet partners who for whatever reasons, are uncomfortable with their own sexuality, and they lash out at you for having attempting to move the interaction forward sexually.
These people may harbour trust issues or are completely uncomfortable with their own sexuality or the sexuality of the opposite sex. They may have a history of some sort of emotional, sexual abuse or had a string of disappointments or anger from the opposite sex.
Their belief systems on sexuality are negative and when confronted when with a sexually confident individual, they end up lashing out. They may accuse you of being demanding, sexist, overbearing, horny, untrustworthy and etc. They aren’t lashing out for a lack of attraction, but because they are attracted and that attraction scares them.
These accusations usually have little to no connection to reality, and a truly confident individual will simply ignore these accusations. The more forthright and authentic you make yourself, the more polarizing response you’ll invite from others.
Redefining Rejection and Success
How do you define yourself as someone successful in your dating life? By having three romantic partners at a go? By committing to one partner? Who’s more successful? The guy who dates 10 strippers at one go or the guy who commits to a long term relationship with one girl who he really enjoys being with.
It’s easy to get sidetracked into the ego boost or validation. After all these years, I’m still amazed at how poorly I choose my romantic partners at times, after all, our minds are filled with unreliable biases.
Take the average guy improves this area of his life by learning social skillsets. Not before long, he understands that dating and romantic relationships can be generated through his own actions and it’s not something that’s left to fate or circumstances.
“Self-development” is working out for him.
Through his newfound social skills, he goes around pursuing women who he isn’t genuinely interested in but for the sake of bragging rights. Is it an improvement after all right? He went from zero dates to many dates that he’s shit bored of. Forget about the fact that he isn’t really enjoying himself on these dates.
Unfortunately, this, is a failure in itself, although he went from not dates to dates with girls that he feels “meh’ about. He’s still avoiding feeling vulnerable and at risk of being rejected by women that he’s genuinely interested in. The avoidance of this feeling is a failure it itself.
“It’s better to fail on a date with a girl you like, than to sleep with a girl you don’t enjoy being around with.”
– Marcus Neo Kai Jie
You and I have both intrinsic and extrinsic motivators when it comes to our dating lives. External motivators such as physical beauty cannot be the only metrics of success. In the long run, internal values such as respect, trust and empathy make healthy and meaningful relationships. Even though I value physical beauty, it is not the only metric that I hold in my dating life.
This is why it’s important to define your own metrics of success in dating and relationships, not some arbitrary metric defined by society, self-development or pick up artist communities.
The Art of Presenting Your Ideal Self
There’s probably this one girl or guy at work or school that you’re obsessing or thinking about. You probably do not dare to ask him or her out… and it has been months. You start dreaming of a perfect scene… you and her walking down the wedding aisle and you so desire that ONE person as your boyfriend or girlfriend.
I, like you, and millions out there once spent the good part of my teenage life fantasizing over ONE partner. Taking months to speak to her, and then taking years to ask her out. The better way to tackle this is not to obsess over one partner but to constantly present your ideal self. It is to constantly focus on becoming the ideal version of yourself.
That’s where self-improvement comes in. When you focus on presenting the best version of yourself to the world, something that is immediately controllable, when the right person at the right time comes into your life, you’re more than prepared.
When you’re out on a date, instead of worrying if she likes you, sit back and evaluate if she has the values and traits you’re looking for. This way you relieve pressure on yourself. You actually enjoy your dates and don’t have have a need to impress him or her.