Covid 19 hits, Singapore went into lockdown… and you are single. Suddenly you find yourself at the mercy of online dating applications such as Tinder. I am currently residing in Singapore and due to the Covid 19 pandemic and the Singapore government policies, there is going to be huge difference in how dating and relationships dynamics are going forward for minimally the next 12 months.
How to Date with Social Distancing and Masks
If you’re in Singapore, you’ll know the social distancing and masks are mandated by the law. (I do think it’s a little fascist, but oh well, what can we do). Let’s assume social distancing and masks are here to stay, because they are. You’re also not able to meet in social groups of five. Hence your probability of meeting another woman (or man) through social settings goes way down.
You’re not able to approach women in the day because of the covid 19 paranoia. Secondly, everyone’s wearing a mask. The pubs and clubs are closed. Hence, meeting a partner through those avenues are not available.
You may purchase a dating agency package and they may be able to set you up for 1:1 dates at a cost to you. That may work out. However, I’m not sure how that works in the long run, because I never used a dating agency before.
That leaves us with online dating and the forefront choice.
Tinder and Online Dating Shenanigans
Last month, I was finally co-erced by the pandemic to downloading all dating applications and tried my best at putting up a good presentation of myself online.
The consensus around industry leaders agree that you’ll mostly only be able to get results from paying for the premium services on dating applications. Last month, I tried out Tinder gold and Tinder boost.
You can get matches and conversations, however, you’re up for a ton of cat-fishing. There are a bunch of PRC China girls profile that are looking to scam you and take your money. I mean, some men can really be stupid when they are desperate. Some of my friend’s friends commented that they have been scammed before. For this reason, I hate Tinder. There’s too many of these Fan BingBing looking fake profiles.
Purchasing Tinder gold allows you for one Tinder boost. Yes, my matches increased after using the boost in the evening at strategic timing at 6pm. I got some Singaporean matches and a lot of Chinese matches.
Note: these results isn’t statistically significant because I only tested using one boost. However, I am guessing that most (high quality) Singaporean women aren’t on Tinder to find dates. This isn’t surprising. It’s stance I reinstated for years.
Coffee Meets Bagel
I also synchronised my online dating profiles across different platforms from Coffee Meets Bagel, Tinder and OkCupid. This is to get a somewhat statistical significance on the impact of certain variables of the profile from photos to words on the profile
Results: I managed one strong lead that went cold after 3-4 days on Coffee Meets Bagel.
I didn’t pay for their paid subscription. I am guessing that you can get higher quality leads from CMB. However, that’s yet to be confirmed as I haven’t used the paid subscription from there.
Note: I also hold true to a high quality threshold when it comes to online dating. If anything, I do not wish to date down when we’re forced to transition in unprecedented times. Simply speaking, I do not wish date lower quality women as compared to when I didn’t need to use online dating as a channel. I might be proven wrong in time though.
Okay Cupid makes a strong case by updating its app and user interface. I remembered using this app in my early twenties due to influence from another friend who was somewhat 100% reliant on, on online dating apps. He had no friends and hated approaching women.
He ended up dating a cute local University chick from that app and I was thoroughly surprised. I’ll be testing this app moving forward.
No surprises here, you need to pay to get matches.
Bumble and Paktor
I also downloaded Bumble and Paktor. Not surprisingly, they both also require paid subscriptions if you want to get anything out of it. Paktor also seems to be a lot more localised and require the opposite sex to put up skin in the game as well. This may very well be a quality filter. That means that people on it are going to be a lot more serious.
Finally, as of today, I don’t intend to splash a couple hundreds of dollars on online dating apps at a go in attempt to figure them out all at once. I’ll be testing out Okay Cupid, Tinder and Coffee Meets Bagel in the coming months.
You Still Need Social/ Dating Skills
Now, assuming you’re going to have an actual date as opposed to having a virtual texting/ messaging buddy. You’re still required to meet her in person and charm her.
Now that circuit breaker measures are lifted and you are allowed to go on dates (in groups of less of 5: pun intended). If you had invested in yourself before the circuit breaker and are competent with in person dating skills such as starting a conversation and flirting, then it’s a matter of switching the channel of lead generation
Personally, I am in the transition similarly. Online dating is not my forte. I am much stronger in in person interactions. However, one needs to adapt. If everyone’s going to be wearing masks and social distancing in the next 12 months, then you have no choice. Finding love and dates through online dating apps are the new normal.
Pushing and pulling is an old and OG concept that arose from the old school pick up artist community. The idea of push and pulling simultaneously is to create interest and ambiguity that women find attractive. It can be expressed verbally or non-verbally. You can “push” by demonstrating more attention and interest. You can “pull” by disqualifying yourself as potential partner.
There are different degrees of push and pulling. You can do it verbally, non verbally or a combination of both. If you wish to use it effectively, then understanding when you need to push and when you can pull is going to contribute a lot to your success. If you do it right, you can even get women to push on you hard.
Pick Up Artist Theory: Push and Pulling
Yes, push and pulling is an effective framework for beginners to understand the dynamics of flirting. In theory, you push if she’s pulling, you pull when she’s pulling. You can also implement lines that ‘push and pull’ as a means of flirting. I used to think that you only need ‘passive attraction’ to get women to be attracted to you. However, I take a middle ground these days. By actively implementing push and pull lines/ methods, you can make things happen in your interactions.
In general, you should always be pushing and pulling simultaneously. You only push when you feel you’ve pulled too hard and you don’t want to lose the interaction. If you think of interactions on a power scale, pushing gives up power and pulling successfully gives you more power. If you’re only demonstrating interest outrightly, you’re telling her that she can have you at any time. This is why that, in general, you should be demonstrating intent whilst disqualifying yourself at the same time. This way, you’re ‘balancing the power scale’ as much as you can.
The Push Pull Method: Understanding Where You Stand in Her Eyes
The ‘power scale’ is a means of understanding where you exactly stand in any interaction with a woman. Is she interested and should continue to push and pull? Or are you pushing too hard and you need some investment from her end (and you need to pull). Or is she already interested and you can pull to generate even more investment to get her to chase?
If you haven’t gotten her attention or her interested, then you can try to ‘manufacture it’ by pushing and/ or pulling.
If she’s pulling, you can push by ‘giving up some of the power in the relationship’, by outrightly demonstrating affection or interest.
If you’re over reaching to a girl, she’s feeling suffocated, you can ‘pull’ to balance the dynamic of the relationship.
You can also pull when she’s pushing to attempt to generate more investment when she’s pushing.
Teasing a girl one of the most effective and easiest manner to demonstrate interest and flirt. In theory, just about any cheeky tease can be considered a push and pull. A tease is negative verbally. However, it’s a positive non verbally. Hence, it’s a ‘push pull’.
Think about it, you only tease your old friends. You tease them ‘negatively’, for example, for their childish or slobbish behaviour. However, you also do it as a means of affection. They are alright with it, everybody laughs and it leads to further bonding.
Examples of Push Pull Lines – Steal my Lines
There are lines you can use in text and/ or in person:
“You’re so adorably annoying” “You look interesting” (ambiguity, what the hell is interesting? Is that good or bad? This implies a push pull) “You were attractive until you said X” “That’s a great looking dress, I’m not too sure about the shoes though” “We totally should not be doing this” (done whilst escalating physically on her) “You’re so hot, but thankfully I’m a moral rock ;)” “We should totally grab coffee, provided you’re not a psychopath” “I should totally take your number, provided you’re not a secret psychopath that’s going to text 27 messages past midnight” “Aw, you are ridiculously adorable”
Pushes are generally any demonstration of interest and affection. Pulls are generally any demonstration of disinterest or the fact that you are willing to lose the interaction. You get the idea. There are positives and negatives in your actions and statements. You can also combine outright pushes or pulls when the right time calls for it.
How to Push Pull Physically
There are ways to push and pull whilst flirting physically. This is what pick up artists call ‘calibration’.
You can show direct interest with direct body language and attention (push) and then disqualify using negative body language (pull) and alter them to different degrees depending on where you are at in the interaction.
You can push pull by escalating physically but disqualify verbally. Saying “I should not being doing this” whilst you’re making out with her is a push pull.
Taking her to your place and saying outrightly that you’re going to kick her off your bed, is a somewhat a push and a pull. You’re pushing for sex and simultaneously disqualifying. Groping her intimately and then saying you are “not suppose to be doing it” is a push pull. In this example, push pull can be used as a means to set the right frame for sex to ‘just happen’.
Using push and pull physically can be as simple as flirting with her physically (increasing the frequency of touches) and then suddenly dropping it (using negative body language), then escalating it and dropping it. Push pull ultimately can be used as a means to build sexual tension.
How to Get Good at Push and Pull Naturally
So, how can you push and pull in the moment without relying on memorising lines? To get good at pushing and pulling, you need to get good at the art of improvisation.
This means taking an interest in language and appreciating comedy. You can take up stand up comedy classes, watch comedians on Youtube or take up improv classes. There are improv tools on the internet where they generate random words and you’re forced to improvise off that.
I started off by taking joining improv classes and sooner or later push pull became natural to me. There’s also no need to go crazy on this. In the most fundamental manner, teasing a girl is the most basic push pull. You’re saying something negative but your intentions are positive.
However, there are limitations. I used to over rely on wit and came off sarcastic in my interactions. You cannot rely on words alone. In the art of seduction. You need guts. Yes you can calibrate. (if you see her feeling uncomfortable with your advances, you reel back with a ‘pull’). However, there’s no technical replacement for taking genuine risk in your interaction. You can’t push and pull your way into kissing her. Kissing her is mostly a matter of just pulling the trigger.
Furthermore, just relying on push and pulling is a horrendous manner to build a genuine and deeper connection. You need to have other conversational skills outside of teasing and coming up with witty push pull lines. Furthermore, you and I are all here to have awesome relationships with women, it’s not about proving who’s more quick witted.
Understanding the push pull dynamic and how to implement the lines are only about 10% of the entire equation. These days, I only use them as a means as an end, as a means to spark attraction or generate and interest. I also don’t really pay attention to memorizing lines consciously because once you get good at improv, teasing and flirting comes naturally to you. However, nonetheless, it’s a good model of understanding where you stand in a relationship.
There are many other facets to generating grounded, lasting attraction such as being able to connect on a deeper level to attempting to better your life. You can’t replace and attractive identity with only push and pull lines.
Ever wondered why women don’t like you despite all the dating advice you tried? Maybe you even tried pick up lines or techniques and it all fell flat in your face.
Why Women Don’t Like Me – 4 Practical Steps to Solve it
Here’s some tough love, but you maybe using dating advice itself to avoid the real issues: your neediness, your ego and your fear of rejection.
1) Sort Out Your Core Issues
Some people derived their self worth through women. They try to fill a gaping hope within themselves through the pursuit of body count. The others try to do it through material success, academic success or whatever forms of success. I’m no different either.
It’s our lack of acceptance and willingness to deal with our core issues that leads us to a karmic loop chasing the next shiny object. You may spend years chasing tactics and strategies, without understanding the fundamentals. You’ll automatically pick out information that promises you that quick win, that magic bullet.
This is similar to attracting women using lines and routines without putting in the real work. If you’re working hard to avoid failure and rejection, you’re still doing it wrong. You may be approaching a hundred girls a day, however, you’re approaching them from a standpoint of lines and routines, you may just be working hard to avoid true failure and rejection.
You may read hundreds of dating advice blogs like this one, and you’re barely putting yourself out there to risk failure and rejection, you’re still doing it wrong.
It’s only when you accept where you’re at and that you’re going to face failure and rub against your insecurities in whatever you do is inevitable, that you’ll find yourself in a better position for progress.
2) Numbers Don’t Lie Measure Your Results and Let go of Your Ego
If you aren’t going out on dates or are still at 30 year old virgin, then your methods aren’t working period. It’s time to measure your results. You can’t be a successful business owner without a business that provides you with cashflow. You can’t be a successful blogger without website traffic.
This got to me after a couple of success: instead of seeing myself as some extremely attractive persona… I’m not, and am just like everybody: worried about the same things and looking for a form of connection. It’s also realising that no matter how many dates or experiences I’ve had over the years; It doesn’t mean that I don’t have the put in the leg work for the next girl I’m going out on a date with, or that I don’t have to be consciously work on my core issues or beliefs.
Self awareness is like an onion that you constantly peel the layers of, and it gets more painful whenever you get closer to the core. You form higher order habits to better handle these anxieties and insecurities, however, at the end of the day, you have to go back to the core and deal with them face on.
3) Finding Purpose Beyond Dating
If you started out thinking: if I read this pick up artist material, I would now be able to sleep with hot girls and be happy.
Modern culture often gets us thinking that there’s a destination to get to, this result, that result, then this job, then that promotion and then one day, we’ll get ‘there’ and it’ll all be awesome. If we got the high paying job, we’ll finally be able to land the hot girl. If you get the Ferrari, finally people will respect us.
Great, you got that down, however, now you’re exposed to a different set of problems: long term relationships and connecting with your deeper values. Life is a process and there’s no completion. Our problems just get more complicated.
In the Way of the Superior Man, David Deida suggest that your life purpose is connected to your masculinity: your non-neediness, and how dating success is merely side effect of an engaged life. You need to find something more important than your dating life in itself.
4) Decide to Win
How many of you project your lack self-worth onto the girls you talk to or date? How many of you walk into a Friday night date, a sales meeting or even wake up in the morning subtlety telling yourself that outcome you desire cannot be achieved?
I know I have, along with hundreds of men every single day of their life. You’ve already lost the battle before it even started.
Here’s my point:
You don’t decide for her if she’ll actually like a guy like you
You don’t decide for her if she’ll actually kiss you/ go out with you or take your number
The majority of us start off believing that we’re only able to date a girl up to a certain calibre. Pay attention to cultural narratives that influenced you. Your beliefs on what you consciously/unconsciously believe you deserve. They may be formed through years of social feedback, your upbringing and environment.
Sometimes the hardest thing to recognise is that you are already good enough. If you go to the gym, take care of yourself, read nerdy self-improvement blogs like this… you’re already enough. It’s just that sometimes, we don’t give ourselves enough credit.
Have you ever wondered why assholes always ‘finish first’? That’s because these ‘assholes’ decided far ahead of time that they are going to win, despite the cost. They are hard closers. They are able and willing to piss off and step over others to get what they want.
They are selfish in that sense. From an evolutionary standpoint, it’s advantageous to a woman to mate with someone who is willing to step over others to accumulate resources. (Read: Over generalizing here I know, but you get my point.)
Look, attracting women IS a selfish endeavour. Firstly, recognize that. Secondly, put yourself first and decide to win. I’m not saying that you need to be an asshole, I’m just saying that you need to make a clear decision to win.
Sigmund Freud noticed that men who grew up with strenuous relationships with their mother developed a complex toward women. Hence he formed the theory of the Madonna Whore Complex. Freud argued that the madonna whore complex is a split between the affectionate and sexual currents in the male desire.
While Sigmund Freud theories surrounding the Oedipus complex, penis and castration fears have been debunked by modern day psychology, modern day psychologists have found that modern implications of Madonna Whore dichotomy remains.
The Madonna Whore Complex
The Madonna Whore split may be caused when the victim is raised by a cold but overprotective mother. This lack of emotional nurturing results in a man courting someone with maternal qualities, hoping to fulfil a need for intimacy unmet in childhood.
His need to capture his mother’s attention and affection as a child is later projected onto the woman he chooses to pursue. He ends up looking a woman with similar psychological make up with his mother. Since it’s ‘immoral wrong’ to think of his mother in a sexual manner, he forms an inability to feel sexual arousal in a committed and loving relationship. This returns repressed feelings surrounding the earlier relationship with his mother, hence preventing sexual satisfaction with his current partner.
My personal belief is that men who struggle in their dating and relationships life have some degree of skewed beliefs and towards women. The women lovers have a problem feeling sexually attracted to women they love. The women haters have a problem feeling romantically attracted to women they sexually desire.
In either cases, they are researched to feel less satisfied in romantic relationships. The lover is out of touch with his objectification of women and the hater is out of touch with his need for affection.
This can play out in your dating life (as it did in mine), you feel a lot of emotional affection for your partner, however for some reason, you aren’t able to perform in bed. On the other hand, you’re able to feel sexually attracted for a one night stand (a girl that you never thought of dating in the long run).
The Madonna – The Woman Lovers
Men struggling with the complex hence categorized women as either saintly Madonnas or debased prostitutes. Hence, the term “Madonna-Whore”.
Let’s take a look at one end of the spectrum: the women lovers. The men that see women as Madonna put women on a pedestal.
The complex plays itself out in the paradox in which any woman a man sexual desires must be a slut or a whore, and any woman who loves him and adores him is considered pure and consequently, he fears intimacy and feels inferior around her.
The women lovers worship feminine love, romanticize self-sacrifice and suffering for the sake of it. They are usually people pleasing and supplicant. They are the ones that find themselves doing things for women over and over again although there’s no form of reciprocation. They put sex on a pedestal and find themselves in love with their best female friends. These are the men that find themselves doing favours for a girl who has not shown them any signs of affection.
These men, on the end of women lovers, are out of touch with their objectification of women: their desire for sex.
This may affect men who have little or no experience in sexual relationships. They may find it difficult to accept that women are sexual beings, have sexual needs, enjoy and desire sex as much as men do.
These beliefs may hinder your social interactions with women, you may being afraid to be physically intimate with her, believing then women do not like to be touched. You may feel that she may be more sexually experienced than you, thus feeling inferior to her.
Thw Whore – Woman Haters
Psychologist Richard Tuchsuggested that woman-haters become who they are because as a young boy, because he suffered frustration and narcissistic injury at the hands of his mother, in adulthood, the boy turned men seeks to avenge these mistreats through sadistic attacks on women who are ‘stand-ins’ for his own mother, hence forming a hatred for women.
These men are the ones that see women as ‘whores’. They see women as something to be researched and conquered. They see affection and love as something that’s worked for and struggled for. They perceive women to be fundamentally different from themselves. These are the men that go on angry rants about how women not knowing their social roles, that they ‘belong to the kitchen’, being dirty slutty for desiring sex and etc.
It’s also important to note that women haters don’t exactly hate women. Rather, they experience a love hate relationship with women. They may also perceive women as fundamentally different from them. They may also maintain dysfunctional and manipulative relationships as the women they end up attracting profiles that match them in bitterness and distrust.
These beliefs are commonly expressed in the pick up artist community. Woman haters tend to gravitate towards being players. They are often out of touch with their desire for love and affection.
The Madonna-Whore Complex Expressed in Modern Culture
Through my years of talking to men as friends and a dating coach. It’s not uncommon to hear men saying that they want to marry a ‘good girl’.
She preferably has to be virgin, hasn’t dated a lot and is ‘pure’ and ‘innocent’. He, on the other hand, desires to date and have sexual experiences with as many other girls as possible, that he would never think of starting a romantic or committed relationship with them.
This is the conflicted desire of wanting to marry a ‘pure and innocent girl’ but then they couldn’t have sex with her, because that means she’s a dirty, down-ridden ‘whore’. However, when he wanted to have a sexual relationship with a woman, he’ll never date her, as sex signalled ‘her lack of morals’.
Love is only reserved for the ‘good’ girl, the girl you can bring home to Mum, the one who’s of ‘marriage material’. Sex, on the other hand, is reserved for the ‘bad’ girls.
This is commonly expressed as: “I want to have sex with many girls, but I ONLY want to marry the good one, that hasn’t had sex a lot.”
This suggests ‘good girls’ don’t desire sex as much as ‘bad girls’. Or ‘good girls’ are defined as good because they haven’t had multiple sexual experiences.
Not only this is a double standard, but this categorization of female sexuality leads you to properly appreciate your partner as an integrated person with different needs.
Your Beliefs: How Do You View Women?
The Madonna-whore dichotomy can often be unconscious and subtle. It can be difficult to pin point if you’re a woman hater or lover, even if you’re struggling with women flipping to and fro between these two different beliefs, flipping back and forth depending on the situation, and depending on the girl.
Regardless, both belief systems are unhealthy fixations. The woman lover obsesses for love, the woman hater obsesses for sex. Both belief systems lead to manipulative and dysfunctional relationships. Both fail to see the opposite sex as equals. One sees them as superior, and the other as inferior.
For the woman lover/ hater, when confronted with a girl they sexually desire, they would view her as a trash-ridden whore, something use for their own pleasure and amusement. On the other hand, when confronted with women with good morals and or status, they put her on a pedestal, seeing her as something pure, perfect and of a higher order.
I’m not saying that this psychological theory is carved out in stone, however, the Madonna-Whore complex concept can be used as a model to better your beliefs around female sexuality.
Curious if you harbour some of these beliefs? You can ask yourself some questions:
What are your beliefs with women like?
Are you living out those double standards?
How do you feel and react if your partner earns more than you?
How do you feel about women desiring sex as much as men do?
Do your interactions with women involve the objectification of women?
Do your interactions with women lean towards feminine worship?
Has the relationship with your mother affected how you perceive dating and relationships with the opposite sex?
Did you grow up with a cold/ distant/ abusive mother?
How is your relationships like with female counterparts growing up?
These are difficult questions that can lead to difficult answers. However, be honest. These questions helped me become more introspective about my emotional maps and belief systems. It has also helped me become more objective my relationship with women.
So, assuming you’re a pussy pedalling individual or secretly belief that all women only belong to the kitchen, how can you get better? The cure to the Madonna-whore dichotomy isn’t simple. The only way to resolve your anger or worship toward is to confronting your deep-seated beliefs. It involves being introspective about your beliefs towards women.
Firstly, it is to perceive our female counterparts as equals. This means not worshipping or objectifying female sexuality. Secondly, it is to do the therapeutic work required to resolve any misgivings or anger. This may stem from your childhood, this may not. Ultimately, women are not to be worshipped nor objectified. They are similar to that as men: with needs, desires, virtues and vices.
Ever wondered what to do on the first date? How do you get to know her on a first date? How can you get her to get to know you on the first date? Can first dates lead to sex? First dates can be confusing. Some people opt for fanciful dinners, others say to keep it light.
You should treat all your dates like the first date. Your dates got to lead to somewhere. You need to be the leader on your dates in conversation, in location and emotion. How well she gets to know you is going to be dependent on your conversation skills and ability to connect with someone.
What to Do on the First Date: The Ultimate Guide
Fancy First Date Idea? No, Stick to Coffee
In general, I only plan for low cost and investment first dates. This usually means coffee at Starbucks or a cafe. If you’re a creep, she’s free to excuse herself since it’s a public area. If she doesn’t turn out like who she is on her Tinder profile, your investment is a mere coffee. You’re both free to excuse yourselves.
Pick a Central Location
Psychological research also shows that people value things more when they get they invest personal time, money and effort.
On picking a location, there’s no need to get fancy with crazy first date ideas. You should choose a neutral location between your place and hers. This way, she’ll be investing time and effort to travel to meet you. I almost never drive to pick anyone up for a first date.
However, you’ll soon figure out that time and money aren’t actually powerful forms of investment at all. If you’re honest to yourself, you should invest your time and money in all the wrong places all the time.
You should ideally plan dates for the evening to generate more expectation. Oh yeah, a date out with her friends is NOT a date.
Set the Tone
The first date is the date that is going to set the tone of your relationship with her. If she’s attracted to you and you don’t act upon it, she’s going to lose that attraction.
Create Opportunities for Physical Intimacy
In general, try to create opportunity for physical intimacy on the first date. This means, forget movie and dinner dates. They are too un-interactive and don’t introduce any physical intimacy: in the movie theatre, you’re are sitting beside her, silent and facing forward. Not a good idea to get to know each other.
If you’re at a restaurant, depending on your smart you are with your sitting position, you might end up sitting across her and facing her like you’re going in for an interview. That’s not good. You want to try to flirt physical during the first date. The problem with fancy dinners dates is that they’re also costly. Not to mention it’s really boring to just sit across someone and converse for the next 2 hours.
Plan Out the Route to From First Date to Sex
You are not actually going spend 4-5 hours coffee getting to know someone. You’re going to have to plan for at least three low investment form of activities. Ideally, start your date at around 6pm. You want to be peaking together at around 10 pm or 11 pm. The key is to give her the “I need to go home, but I don’t want to yet” feeling.
Here’s a common first date plan I use:
Meet her midway for coffee at Starbucks
Do something casual: walk in the parks, walks by the beach, visiting the bookstore or get her to join you in one of your hobbies
Grab drinks at a bar near your place
Find an excuse for her to come to your place
These dates are not only low cost, they also allows you to introduce the element of physical intimacy as you’re both doing something together.
So how do you choose the right locations to take her out to? This really depends on her personality. The hippies will prefer cafes, stand up comedy and music events. The more adventurous and sporty ones are going to prefer the outdoors. The shopaholics will prefer, erhem, the shopping malls. If you’re in a shopping haven like Singapore, you can go window shopping. You can ask her for her opinion on men’s fashion.
It’s also a good opportunity to expand your identity and your interests. Interested in singing? Invite her to your weekly karaoke session. Interested in martial arts? Get her to sign up for a trial class at your gym.
It’s fun to walk, talk, poke fun at her when she says something cute (or retarded). When you’re walking beside each other, it’s easier to punctuate your conversations with physical touches.
Ideally, you should be trying to flirt with her physically right from the get go. You should be teasing her in your conversations and punctuating your sentences with slight touches.
2020 Update: These days, I don’t really plan out anything special for first dates. If you are generating enough leads through cold approaching or online dating apps, then you want your first date to me more of a screening process. There are going to be first dates that don’t go to anywhere. Hence, there’s no need to come up with fanciful ideas. I like the idea of going to a cafe and then drinks. If you want to plan out more special dates, then make sure both of you really like each other and get a long. Then plan something out on the second or third date.
The Multiple Location Strategy
The classic strategy is to take her to different date places. Psychology shows that if you’re the only constant among all these changing places, she’ll feel that she ‘got to know you more’. However, you can’t be bouncing around aimlessly, you need to progress your date closer to yours. This requires you to be spontaneous and armed with knowledge about your surroundings and your city.
Dinner? Yes or No?
I’m not saying 100% no to dinner dates. The majority of my coffee dates end up with dinner. That’s after if both of you get along well with coffee. Contrary to popular belief, women do not like heavily planned romantic and expensive dinners for first dates. (Read: gold diggers are an exception.)
However, I’m saying a full on NO to romantic, expensive, high expectations kind of dinner dates: the ones where you roll up in your father’s Mercedes Benz to some fancy restaurant: the ones that you pretend to understand the menu.
Lastly, you want your dates to be efficient: not all dates are going to lead to sex. You’re not going to enjoy every single date and not every girl is going to be into you. If you’re really not into her or she’s not showing any interest in you, feel free to walk off and end the date right there and then. That’s a form of strong boundaries.
Ultimately, keep your first couple of dates economical, low investment and light hearted. This saves you money and alleviates the pressure from her.
Who Pays on the First Date?
In my experience, I’ve been on first dates with women who were earning a much higher income than me. In Singapore, the guys generally start drawing an income later than girls as they’ve got 2 years of national service in the military. The girls start two years earlier than the guys. In general, most of the women I’ve been on dates with don’t mind going dutch.
However, in Models, Mark Manson suggested that there’s an intrinsic sense of chivalry that women enjoy that makes them feel feminine when you pay for them. He argued that one of the primary psychological need in women is security: paying for them lends itself to that.
Here’s how I normally do it: I make it a team effort. I’ll often pay first and then tell her to buy something else in return later. There’s no need to be uptight and stingy if you’re earning an income. If you’re earning an income higher than her, it would make sense for you to pay for her. You can get her to make it a team activity and get her to pay for dessert or drinks after. The key is not to make the paying thing too awkward.
How to Escalate Physically on the First Date
If you grew up in a traditional Asian culture, you’re probably told to be polite, to be nice and not to be pushy with women, let alone on first dates. Modern society is constructed in a way where women are perceived in a negative light if they made romantic advances. That’s because by demonstrating interest, she’ll be judged by society as a… ‘slut’. This is why a woman will never make a move for you, even if she wants to.
It’s pointless to approach hundreds of girls, be extremely charismatic on the phone but being unable to make the close on the date. This is why it’s always on YOU to go for the close as early as the first date.
On your first date, there are going to be women that aren’t comfortable with physical intimacy, and there are going to be women that are. However, like I always say: try and ask forgiveness later.
If you meet her at a cafe or a coffeeshop, you should also choose a seat that plants you beside her, instead of in front of her. Either that, just stand up, and plant yourself beside her. It might seem awkward, however, I’ve done that it a couple of times and if she’s attracted, she won’t reject you. Remember, girls desire to be desired. Being physically intimate with her fast is going to differentiate your results from lots of dates to a lot of ex girlfriends.
If your first date goes well, you’ll want to take it more private. I recommend bars and cafes that are along beaches. Beach dates are great, they are great for more intimacy and privacy. You can simply say you know an awesome bar near yours, grab her hand and get into the cab. Remember, lead, lead and always lead. Choose a park that’s near yours. It can be playgrounds or small parks. It’s also a good excuse to get her nearer to your house.
How to Take Her Home on the First Date
If you’re not making out with her and holding hands with her towards the end of your first date, you’re highly like unable to get her back to yours.
This is highly dependent on how good you are at ‘game’, building a connection, teasing, building a frame, getting her to chase and etc.
If you are physically intimate with her by now, then good, now you need an excuse to get her to your place. There’s no need for any fancy excuse. I use to put girls in my car and drive to mine without saying anything. These days, I simply say: “let’s chill at mine.”
The point is to make sure you’re not making her feel like a slut. Take the pressure off her. I often tell her not to mess up my room. Telling her if she stays over she’s sleeping on the floor and you’re the one who’s sleeping on the bed. Stuff like that to take the pressure off her and makes her feel less of a slut.
When you’re finally back at yours, get her to feel comfortable. You can box her around with your boxing gloves and be keep it genuinely light-hearted and playful: I treat her like a little sister that you never had. Then, you can start slowly be physically intimate with her. If she resist your advances, take a step back and empathise.
When you start kissing and there’s a bedroom involved, the rest is usually history. In my experience, sex from first dates do happen. However, the majority of them are going to happen on the second to third time you meet her. It all depends on the comfort level on her end and her values on sex. If you’re not at final base by the third date, she’s either not looking for casual sex or she has completely different values from you.
If you’re a little advanced in ‘the game’, you’ll find that going out solo can be more efficient and effective than going out with a group. If you have friends around you that won’t approach no matter what, you’re going to approach despite that. Or maybe all your friends are losers and don’t desire to change their social/ dating life and you’re left alone. So, how can you go out solo? ere are principles you can stick by.
How to Go Alone by Yourself and Develop Social Confidence
You must take responsibility fully for your surroundings Take leadership of your own actions and act despite the crowd or the group. I’m not saying screw your friends and have your own fun, however, I’m saying can always go out solo.
1) Understand the Basics
The basics works, all the time: dress well, have good body language and eye contact. This means not jumping around too much, not shifting your gaze away too much. Putting on a smile, dressing well, and putting on a chill vibe is going to helps a lot.
Trust Yourself on a Gut Level
There’s really something to be said about trusting yourself on a gut level. The more you look externally to replicate attractive behaviors, the more you’ll find yourself off centered. Stop looking to others to replicate, trust yourself. Trusting yourself and going for the kiss, the hand hold, or the waist grab are risky behaviours. You’re putting yourself up for rejection. However, it displays true confidence. Girls can sense that kind of behavior.
I quote Models by Mark Manson:
“Until you learn to trust your own actions and learn to pursue women with your own unique style and personality, you have learned absolutely nothing.”
Always Be Leading
In a cold interaction, it’s always about leading. You’ll need to lead verbally, emotionally, physically and logistically in the club. There’s something about being congruent as well. If you’re approaching directly with intent, you have to back it up by being congruent. The general rule: in your interactions, always be leading. Women respond to leadership.
If you’re looking to move forward a conversation to a venue, don’t ask. She’s not going to say yes because that makes them look like the decision maker. It’s better to say: let’s grab coffee, and lead by moving first. She’s not going to do it for you. That’s because she can’t look like ‘a slut’ in front of her friends. You need to be the one ‘responsible’.
You can use light social touches (elbows and shoulders) as a means to flirt and then move on from there. If they are comfortable with your touches, then escalate and lead. If they’re comfortable with you talking and flirting then move on to the next step such as a change in venue or getting her contact number.
2) Be Really Good at Improv to Never Run out of Words
If you’re relying on routines and canned lines, you’re bound to run out of words. I once planned everything, worried about everything and tried to do every right through ‘game’ in person, in text and went to the extent of analysing every single interaction.
Needless to say I was too stifled in my interactions. It’s a misconstrued idea that social interactions can be completely objectified. Just like the social sciences, socializing isn’t a hard science. Social interactions are like a cosmic clash. You’re an unknown entity to her, and vice versa. It’s going to be awkward for both of you, and it’s just natural. So expect some nervousness, some awkwardness and ride the waves.
If you’re too reliant on routines, you may also find yourself being the entertainer and the ‘monkey’ frame. Sometimes, I get into this whole ‘frat’ boy kind of schtick when approaching, just to get show that I’m friendly and confident and the same time.
It’s a schtick. Girls can kind of sniff that out whether you’re being authentic or you’re putting a front. Your approach can be as simple as: ‘Hi I’m Marcus, I thought you were cut and I wanted to say Hi’. This approach turns out alright for me most of the times.
3) Put Evolutionary Pressure On Yourself and Just F*cking Do It
Do Not Rely on Alcohol
There’s dating advice out there that absolutely against alcohol when going out to approach girls or socialize. However, if you’re using alcohol as a crutch to approach girls then that’s the problem. I have nothing against drinking and trying to meet girls, drinking is part and parcel of socialising. If you’re just using it as a social gel, such as getting a drink with a girl who’s super into you, then it’s fine.
Go No Fap
I noticed differences in the way I carry myself when I don’t masturbate before going out. I’ll be more motivated to approach girls and be more sexual with them. If you’re hitting the clubs at night, then don’t masturbate and preserve the energy for the night. If you really feel the urge to get one out, you can replace it that habit with exercise.
In the popular self-help book Think or Grow Rich, it’s stated that the most successful and powerful people in history go on sexual abstinences to preserved energy for work. Research and studies also back up that pornography can screw up your perception on sex as portrays an unrealistic picture of human sexuality.
If you can’t help but need to get one off, you should only be doing it after accomplishing everything you want to achieve in the day.
Ultimately, you need to have a winners attitude. You need to be responsible for your own results and stop worrying about things you can’t control: other people’s actions and emotions. You have to constantly remind yourself that you can only do a good job at your actions. You can’t do anything if a girl decides to slap you on the spot. You can’t do anything if you said something a joke that was funny to you but ended up pissing some stranger off. In spite of everything, pull the trigger.