Jan 14

What Are Personal Values? – Develop Integrity and Purpose

By Marcus Neo | Self Improvement and Social Skills

What are personal values and why are they important in dating, relationships or just life in general? When I was 19 or so, a friend of mine came to me complaining that she was being emotionally bullied by a close friend of mine. I softly persuaded him to stop despite him being a close friend of mine. I didn’t like bullies and I desired to stand up for a friend.

You could argue that by me standing up to my friend, I was acting out of my values. I stood up for my values regardless of external circumstances. I stood up for another friend in spite of being a friend of the perpetrator. I behaved according to my values and persuaded him otherwise, risking a potential loss of friendship with him.

Why are Values Important?

In modern society, you may find yourself in a constant struggle to stick to your values as opposed to sacrifice them for an extrinsic result.

For example, authenticity and expressing yourself honestly is a value in itself. Honesty, however, sometimes is uncomfortable, especially when expressed negatively to friends or superiors. Your honesty may not be appreciated. It may involve telling your boss something that he might disagree with but might be better for the company. This may put you at risk of offending him (or losing your job). This can be difficult at times, especially so in the Asian culture.

In the realm of dating and relationships… what if your date you are interested in treats you badly? What if he or she’s a no show for three dates straight and cancels on you last minute every single time? Are you going stick up for yourself and perhaps call them out? Or are you going smile, and pretend nothing happened?

Can you uphold the interval value of self-respect? Can you call her out for her negative behaviour, risk upsetting her and losing the potential benefit of dating someone you’re interested in?

What if your friends are always showing up late and disrespectful of your time? What if you valued your time and made efforts to be on time for meet ups? Do you hold back calling the person out to avoid the possibility of not offending him or her?

So, What Are Values?

Values can be said to be internal compasses. They are a judgment about how important something is to us. There are principles that are held internally regardless of external circumstances. Sometimes, they are principles and judgments that you are willing to sacrifice and die for. They can comprise of intangibles such as authenticity, accountability, empathy and respect.

Values are researched to higher self-esteem, in the long run, makes you more attractive to women, increase work creativity, and make you a happier person. Positive values are also usually ensued by strong boundaries.

In short, they’re awesome.

Ironically, it’s people that do not have any values going for them that are unattractive and mediocre. They don’t stand for anything. They are people pleasers. They often crave attention and affection from the world around them at the cost of their personal integrity and values. They’ll never build a strong identity. Counter-intuitively, it’s this constant need for a false sense of acceptance is what repels people away.

In our relationships, it’s the sacrifice of their own personal values that leads to needy and unattractive behaviour.

So Marcus, without sounding like a boring high school counsellor, how can you instil this thing called values in your life then?

Ironing Out Your Values

Ironing out your values can be simple as taking out a piece of paper and writing down what you will and will not accept in your life. This can range from business decisions, relationship values to all other areas of your life. The second step is to commit and be disciplined about it. Note, no one is perfect and it’s OKAY to falter and be flexible. However, just like habits, you just go back to work on it.

  • Your Dating and Relationship Values

So, a couple of years ago, when I started learning how to attract women. The first step was to iron out my dating and relationship values. This means what I will, and will not accept from women, or people in general. This not only helped my self-esteem, but it also made my dating choices much easier.

In my own life today, and in my client’s life as a dating coach for men. You can start with a couple of simple values.

I stopped texting girls who didn’t want to text me back, I stopped worrying about girls who didn’t want to go out on dates with me. Yeah, I get rejected, however, it saved me the heartache, the smokes and games that people play. I decided I’ll not hang out with people who don’t want to hang out with me. I’ll not date a girl who doesn’t want to date me. I’ll not text a girl who doesn’t want to text me. I’ll express interest to women only that I’m interested in.

These values played an important role when on a date. Instead of constantly worrying if I match up to her, I’m going to see if there’s a right fit of values. I’m not looking to impress her.

If you’re wondering what I value in women, physical beauty (I can’t lie), empathy, intellectual curiosity, honesty, nurturance and accountability. From personal experience, I’m a lot more motivated, willing to sacrifice a lot more time and effort and to pursue a girl who’s more physically aesthetic If she’s hot but has selfie problem, sure, I’ll be more tolerant of it. If she’s hot but is slightly emotionally erratic, sure, I’ll be patient. I’m willing to give up many superficial nuances that tick me off.

However, I’m not willing to give up my personal boundaries just to pursue someone who is physically attractive. There are values that are non-negotiable. If she constantly disrespects me or is rude, I am going to call her out on it. If she doesn’t alter her behaviour, then I’ll simply drop her.

Note, I hold these values true for all other relationships as well. I also can’t be bothered by people who don’t respect my time or money. If you don’t respect my time or money, there isn’t a friendship in place anymore in the first place.

Business Values

I once attended a slimy internet marketing business program. Whilst the potential monetary prospects were good, I hated it. Why so? That’s because the way the business was conducted went against my values of providing a competitive and ethical service to society.

I figured that instead of marketing slimy products to people in need of psychological help, I rather figure out the hard and longer route of building an ethical product and service.

This forced me to iron out my business values. I decided that I’ll only make an income through ethical products or service to consumers that don’t hurt society. The systems and products have to work without relying on psychological manipulation. Secondly, I’m not going to work for anyone who uses his network or relationships as a ‘stronghold’.

Ironing out these values made a lot of business choices down the road much simpler. Out went the scammy products that prey on delusional or people that are in a bad spot in life. Out went the nights of drinking just for the sake of clinching a deal. Since I had these values in place, it freed me up to learn how to market products and services ethically.

Helpful and UnHelpful Values 

It’s said if you pursue negative values such as popularity and fame, it’s ‘negative’. However, I don’t entirely see it this way and I think negative values can be a good motivator for positive values. If I didn’t desire to be with attractive women, I’ll not have undertaken this self-improvement process. If not for the desire to be financially free, I’ll not have attempted to be an entrepreneur. This blog wouldn’t exist. I also think everyone is motivated by different intrinsic and extrinsic motivators at a certain point of time.

Negative values are fundamentally superstitious, immediately uncontrollable and socially destructive. If you value popularity or fame or how much you’re liked or accepted by everyoneThat’s not immediately controllable. That’s because you can’t control how people think of you.

If you measured yourself by a million dollars in a bank, that’s an external value that isn’t controllable. It’s merely going to drive you crazy. Negative values are reliant on an external event such as flying in a private jet, getting threesomes or travelling the world in pursuit of purely a hedonistic lifestyle (read: guilty).

Arguably, negative values can be good motivators initially. You didn’t get into self-development if you didn’t want to date more attractive partners, make more money and look really awesome amongst your friends right? Negative values can give you a good start, however, for long term happiness, you’ll need to prioritize internal values in the long run.

Positive values are reality-based, immediately controllable, self-generated and are socially constructive. Positive values such as innovation, honesty and vulnerability are immediately controllable and can be self-generated right this moment.

For example, instead of valuing popularity or how much I’m liked by people, I can make an internal value of improving my dating/ social life. That way, the mere act of taking action to go out to a bar to meet more women is small win for me regardless the end outcome.

Positive values are always internally achieved and there’s no completion to them. They are also process oriented. Honesty and vulnerability are internal values that can be practised right now and in every social interaction for the rest of your life.

How to Establish Your Values Without Being an Asshole?

So the one thing about values that people get confused is that you got to be somewhat of an asshole when expressing your values.

Having strong values doesn’t mean that you go around calling others out on their ‘poor values’ or ‘lack of values’. It just means recognising that you have different values than them and sometimes it’s just a lack of compatibility. The first step to establish your values is to express it in a matured manner. If the girl you’re dating shows up late, you don’t have to scream at her for showing up late. Just making it known and calling her out on is enough.

You can always say: “Hey, I hope you won’t be this late the next time we meet.” In a respectful and assertive manner.

I also want to note that your values should be flexible and based on context. If you have an amazing friendship with someone who’s always late but has many other merits, then it’s perfectly fine to just accept that personal flaw in that individual.

What Happens When You Change Your Values?

When you change your values, it’s normal for your old relationships to blow up in your face. This can be demonstrated by calling out certain behaviours from old friends and possibly ticking them off the wrong way. In my own personal growth, I started valuing my time and I started being serious about my business and my work. If someone cancels on me without letting me know, I’m sorry, that’s non-negotiable. I’m calling you out.

The friendships you made through your life probably supported and confirmed the values of yours. However, when you begin to shift your values, you’re going to inevitably experience a lot of friction amongst those old relationships.

In my experience, long term relationships and friendships are the hardest. You may find yourself in a place where your closest relationships no longer understand you anymore. However, do these friendships have to have to go? I don’t think necessarily so. There’s no need to cut out a person because of a difference in values, that’s because, despite a difference in values, there may be overlap in values.

However, if you are constantly bickering over petty behaviours. That merely goes to show that you have different fundamental life values and have completely different priorities completely, then perhaps some time off that particular relationship might not be a completely negative thing.

In my experience, I found out the hard way that people around you are going to have different values from you do at the different point of their lives in multiple areas of their life from relationships to careers.

This is true of your relationship with to your parents, your childhood best friends, your boss, your pet goldfish and your colleagues. You may have a childhood friend that has conflicting values at some point of his or her life and a loss of friendship is inevitable.

It’s values that ultimately bring people together and tear people apart. You’re going to be what you value. Choose your values wisely.

Works Cited

J, Z., S, S., J, C., & Z, Z. (2009). Social networks, personal values, and creativity: Evidence for curvilinear and interaction effects. Journal of Applied Psychology, 94(4), 1544-1552.

W, M. M. (2007). Happiness and Virtue in Positive Psychology. Journal for the Theory of Social Behaviour, 89-103.

 

 

How to Set Boundaries in Dating and Relationships 01
Jan 11

How to Set Healthy Dating and Relationship Boundaries

By Marcus Neo | Relationships

You can argue that the majority of dating and relationship problems are a boundary issue in one way or another. Years ago, I was enrapt in a relationship that felt great at times and just dirt poor other times. It was like a rollercoaster ride. It was only years later after knowing the concept of boundaries, that I realized that my ex-girlfriend and I had piss poor boundaries in our relationship.

So other than sparring yourself from rollercoaster relationships, why are boundaries important?

Firstly, strong boundaries are the cornerstone of attractive behaviour. Secondly, they create emotional health and are created by people with emotional health. They lead to emotional stability and healthy self-esteem. They are also something you can work on right away.

Okay, before you get into deeper details, let’s take a look if you have a boundary issue.

You May Have a Boundary Issue if You:

  • Constantly feel like people take advantage of you or use your emotions for their own gain?
  • Feel like you’re constantly having to “save” people close to you and fix their problems all the time?
  • Find yourself sucked into pointless fighting or debating regularly
  • Find yourself far more invested or attracted to a person than you should be for how long you’ve known them
  • In your relationships, you feel like things are always either amazing or horrible with no in-between. Or perhaps you even go through the break-up/reunion pattern every few months?
  • You tell people how much you hate drama but seem to always be stuck in the middle of it
  • You spend a lot of time defending yourself for things you believe aren’t your fault?

If you answered “yes” to even a few of the above, then you probably set and maintain poor boundaries in your relationships. If you answered a resounding “yes” to most or all of the items above, you not only have a major boundary problem in your relationships but you also probably have some other personal problems going on in your life.

Here’s a good question to ask yourself: do you want to constantly be around people that don’t appreciate you for who you are, but also sees all of his relationships (including you) as something that can be manipulated?  Or do you want to be around with friends that doesn’t fuck with your emotions?

I know there are idiots who prefer the former, cause deep down, they don’t relationships as something that can be safe and supportive. They see relationships as something to be earned, bargained or traded. Long term relationships, friendships and romance aren’t built upon memorising lines. You’re still putting on a front in your social interactions instead of engaging your true self.

What are Relationship Boundaries?

There are many reasons why someone may lack boundaries. Psychologically speaking, people with a lack of boundaries may appear may be motivated by an unconscious need to ‘keep the peace’ because of the fear of getting hurt.

So, what are boundaries and how do they look like?

Healthy Boundaries:

  • NOT taking responsibility for OTHER people choices, actions and emotions
  • Taking FULL responsibility for YOUR own choices, actions and emotions

Healthy Boundaries from the outside:

  • NOT expecting others to be responsible for your choices, actions and emotions
  • Other people should be responsible for THEIR choices, actions and emotions and NOT responsible for YOUR emotions and choices.

Dating and Relationship Boundaries

Examples of Poor Boundaries:

Since I’m Asian, I can use a couple examples from the Asian culture, I’ll chime in a few examples.

“If you go out with your friends tonight and not keep me accompany, I’m not going to give you allowance next month.”

“If you don’t study the subjects as I want you to, I’m not going to pay for it.”

“If you don’t do as I say, you’re not being filial to the family. Hence, you’re not a good child.”

This is an example of a parent’s expectation for his or her child to take responsibility for the parent’s choices and emotions.

In this scenario, the person is taking responsibility for actions or emotions that aren’t theirs or are expecting someone to take responsibility for their actions or emotions. When you set boundaries in your relationships, it can be as simple as saying no to someone and letting the chips fall where they may.

You’re NOT responsible for someone’s else emotions.

Flip that around, it’s also the willingness to take a no from someone else. That’s because if you feel crappy about hearing a no, you’re are responsibility for your own mood and not expect or blame anyone else for your emotions and choices. Ultimately, having strong boundaries does not mean that you don’t want your partners or friends to be happy. It just means that you can’t decide if your partners or friends are happy or choose to behave in a certain way.

The Breaker and Fixer Pathology

People with poor boundaries typically come in two flavors:

  1. Those who take too much responsibility for the emotions and actions of others
  2. Those who expect others to take too much responsibility for their own emotions and actions.

They are called the breaker, and the fixer. Interestingly, these two types of people often end up in relationships together. My first relationship was like that, it felt like it was us against the world. However, in hindsight, it was soul-sucking and emotionally tiring. She and I had pathologies of both the victim and saver, oscillating between both roles at different points of time.

  • The Saver

If you are someone who tends to feel a need to make their partners happy all the time, you may be playing the role of the saver in the relationship. You have a boundary issue. This is because, at the core of it, you’re attempting to decide/ control how your partner acts and feel.

The saver doesn’t save the victim because they actually care about the problem, but because they believe if they fix the problem they will feel loved.

  • The Victim

The victim creates problems not because there are real problems, but because they believe it will cause them to feel loved. If you are that someone who is always creating problems, expecting others to take responsibility for your actions and emotions. You are playing the role of the victim.

The saver and victim commonly end up together in relationships and often lead to unstable roller coaster relationships. In such scenarios, the lack of boundaries leads to needy, co-dependent.

From an attachment theory perspective, victims tend to be anxious-attachment types, and savers tend to be avoidant-attachment types. They both push away secure-attachment types. They may also grow up with parents who had poor boundaries in their relationships that led to their model of a relationship that is based on poor boundaries.

You may ask, Marcus, isn’t it cold and cruel to not care about others and fix their problems?

You see, the saver or the victim don’t ACTUALLY care about each other or the relationship, they are behaving in these ways to meet their own need for self-esteem through other people’s problems. The victim needs to create problems to feel loved whilst the saver needs to fix problems to feel loved. There isn’t any real authenticity or genuine emotional connection with these relationships.

Their behaviors are based on their OWN needs to feel loved and not actual unconditional love itself.

If the victim really cares about the saver and the relationship, he or she would say, “Look, this is my problem, you don’t have to fix it for me.” That would be actually caring about the saver.

If the saver really cared for the victim, the saver would say, “Look, you’re blaming others for your own problems, you should be responsible for it yourself.” That would be actually loving the victim.

The hardest thing for a victim to do in the world is to hold themselves accountable for their feelings and their life as opposed to blaming others. They spent their whole life believing they must blame others in order to feel any intimacy or love.

For the saver, the hardest thing to do in the world is to stop fixing other people’s problems and trying to make them feel happy or satisfied. They may have spent their whole lives feeling valued and loved when they were fixing a problem for someone. Hence, letting go of this need is terrifying to them as well. If you see your relationships as economical transactions, only seeing others as beneficial or economical exchanges, not only it’s a form of poor boundaries, it’s also going to tear you apart emotionally eventually.

The Boundary Problem in Modern Culture

Now, I may take some criticism for this, but I’m going to say it anyway. In Asian culture, there’s a cultural belief that children are inherently SUPPOSED to be filial to their parents or grandparents. It’s a common cultural Asian cultural narrative to love, respect and obey your parents JUST because they are your biological parents, not based upon the fact if they are good parents or not.

This often expressed in the value of filial piety.

I had a friend to said that he would give in to demanding/unreasonable requests to his parents just because they are paying for his University fees. His parents are using monetary support as a bargaining tool to get their child to conform.

I’m may piss off some you reading here but listen to me.

That is an unhealthy and toxic relationship dynamic between him and his parents with a lack of boundaries. On one hand, his parents are using money as a means to control their child’s behaviour. Secondly, on his end, he is giving up his self-respect, his honest thoughts, and desires because he’s afraid of not getting the money from his parents.

If your parents only provide for you financially if you give in to their whims and demands. It’s a conditional relationship. The underlying meaning of the relationship would mean: I only love you if you listen to me. I will only provide for you if you listen to me.

Firstly, these are a poor form of boundaries. Secondly, there isn’t any genuine support or affection in their relationship.

From personal experience in the Singaporean culture, there are many that have this perception that if their parents provide for them financially, it’s a MUST to give in to their parents, against their genuine thoughts, desires and beliefs.

Some of the people reading this might say: Marcus, you’re such an INGRATE for speaking out against the age-old values of filial piety. You’re Asian yourself and you SHOULD be filial to your parents.

Okay, shut up.

I AM filial to my parents. However, I act on it as a gift, with no expectations of return, as opposed to an OBLIGATION. There’s a difference.

The act and value of filial piety should be something that’s given unconditionally, rather than demanded or assumed because of cultural or social reasons. 

If you’re forced to visit your grandparents every weekend and you secretly hate it. Then you’re not acting out of a genuine desire to see and care for your grandparents. You’re doing it because you don’t want to piss your Mum and Dad off.

As I argued, acts of affection are only genuine if they’re performed without expectations.

Is It Okay to Sacrifice?

You may ask then, Marcus, what about making sacrifices for people you love? What about going the extra mile for best friends? What if my girlfriend wants me to call her daily? What if my pet cat requires me to stroke his belly 20 times a day?

I SHOULD make that sacrifice right?

Firstly, sacrifices that are made out of obligation aren’t genuine sacrifices. They are actually your inability to say no.

True sacrifice only comes in the form of unconditionally, as a gift, with no expectations of return. One common behavior I noticed during my stint as a dating coach for men is that they compliment women in hopes of getting her attention. Needless to say, they didn’t get far.

Sacrifice is only true and genuine when you desire to do it out of no expectations, as a gift, and not because you should feel obligated to or fear the consequences of NOT doing it.

You can simply ask yourself this: If you stopped doing an X behavior, would it change anything about your relationship with Y? Read: I know, the algebra. I’m Asian, live with it.

  • If I stopped picking her up from her house or sending her home, will she still love me?
  • If I stopped agreeing with her on everything she says, will she still love me?
  • If I told my friend that he should be on time in the future, and being late isn’t cool at all, will we still be friends?

If your answer is NO, it wouldn’t change a damn thing in the relationship, if you stopped doing a certain behavior, then that’s a good sign.

If YES, then you probably have a boundary issue. You’re making a particular sacrifice or behaving in a certain way because you fear to lose the relationship.

How to Set Strong Boundaries

I started off a YES man. I’d say YES to events, business opportunities, introductions, trips and I was the guy that was flexible and easy to get along. Yes, that helped a lot. However, as I grow, I realized it’s so much better to say NO and truly evaluate how and who you spend your time and effort with.

These days, I’m always evaluating how I feel after spending time with someone. If I feel emotionally recharged, listened to or that I learned something from him or her, I’ll continue pursuing that relationship. If I feel disrespected, belittled or unjustly criticized then I’ll stop.

In my business career, I had instances where potential clients waste my time by getting me to draft out long thought out proposals for their digital marketing campaigns and I don’t hear back from them. No, no more. You need to be a good fit to work with me.

I had instances where girls waste my time and don’t show up for a date. That’s on me. That’s MY fault. I didn’t qualify her properly. If I had disqualified and said: ‘You and I are probably not going to get a long because you’re always late’, she’s going to either straighten up or not waste my time by not showing up.

These days, I hold by these standards throughout all my relationships, from friends, family, clients, business partners, and life choices. In that sense, I’m valuing my time and myself. Only by valuing your time and yourself, that you can get others to value you and your time.

Here are some of the lines you can use:

  • I prefer not to discuss them as these matters are private to me’
  • I never kiss and tell’
  • I already stated my opinion and I’m not going to argue with you further.’
  • ‘If you keep doing X behaviour, then I’m going to leave.’
  • ‘This is are my values, and I hope you can respect that.’

Closing Thoughts

Setting boundaries by cutting an acquaintance out or an ever unaccountable friend is easy. It’s as simple as cutting them out from your life or seeing them lesser. However, setting boundaries and maybe even cutting family and best friends out are a lot harder. You can dump your girlfriend, you can’t dump a bad family member. Family relationships are the hardest to deal with. Trust me, I’ve been there.

One time, I stopped driving a couple of my friends around. I realized that if I stopped driving them around, they wouldn’t bother hanging out with me. Tough truth to face, but that’s life. When I go out with a girl on a date and she says something offensive, I don’t just play nice and ignore, I call her out on it. That’s a form of my boundaries. I don’t accept rude or offensive behaviours in my life.

How to Set Boundaries in Dating and Relationships 03

Someone with strong boundaries isn’t afraid to say no. He or she isn’t afraid of a temper tantrum or getting into an argument. He or she also understands that he may hurt someone else’s feelings at times and ultimately can’t control how someone else feels.

He or she also understands that a genuine relationship isn’t made up of two people deciding on each other’s actions or emotions, but instead, an unconditional relationship is made up of two people supporting each other, without judgment or expectations.

How to Talk to Women
Jan 02

How to Talk to Anyone – Exact Lines You Can Use

By Marcus Neo | Self Improvement and Social Skills

You see your ideal partner sitting across the table at Starbucks having a quiet cup of coffee. He or she is dressed casually. They look kind of intimidating. They are attractive. They are also alone. The hundreds of possibilities run through your head. Or maybe you are at a networking session are you see the hiring manager of your dream job standing beside a booth. You want to try start a new conversation with them. However, you freeze and you don’t know what to say, much less how to say it.

How many of us experienced similar situations like this? How do you talk to anyone even if you aren’t naturally “extroverted”?

Talking to anyone and starting conversations is a skillset that anyone can learn.

How to Talk to Anyone – Conversational Mindsets

Firstly, there are good conversational mindsets that can make or break any conversation.

This can be done by adopting conversational mindsets such as 1) using effective language, 2) learning the art of making statements, 3) creating endless conversation threads by actively listening and 5) understanding the mechanics of how to connect deeply with anyone.

Mindset 1: Lower The Bar For a Conversation

The first step to starting a conversation with a stranger and making sure you never run out of words is to lower the bar for conversation.

In my younger days, I was notorious for being too witty or lost in abstract arguments in my head. It single handedly submarined a lot of social, romantic and business opportunities. Only relying on pure wit or intellect is actually a horrible way to start a conversation, or talk to anyone in general.

The need for serious or deep talk in the first couple of minutes is a narrative from movies you watched growing up where the actors and actresses often come up with witty lines and the ‘perfect moment’ to start talking to someone new. In reality, this is far from the truth. Starting a new conversation is always a little awkward at first. Just keep it simple.

Mindset 2: Statements Versus Questions

Have you ever had someone who you just got to know ask you repetitive questions? I bet you have. It also felt irritating. Guess what, people feel the same way as well. Let’s not treat new conversations like an interview, shall we?

In general, statements offer more ‘social value’ and opportunity for the other party to get a conversation going.

Instead of going down the usual route of interviewing someone and asking questions… you can make statements. This way you’re giving your input and giving them a window to respond to that statement.

The trick here isn’t to just stick to statements. It is to mix in statements and questions. However, if you were just to stick to statements, most people will not know how to respond. From my experience, they’re just too used to people asking questions all the time  and haven’t built any social skills to share themselves.

Making statements is a better conversational habit as compared to asking questions and waiting for their reply. Of course, if you were to make both statements and ask questions and they won’t respond, it means that they are not ready to talk to someone new.

Don’t take it personally and move on.

If you’re sticking to questions, you don’t get to express your identity and you don’t really grease the wheels to hep them express themselves. The other party got to take part minimally in a conversation for the interaction to go well.

Mindset 3: Listening Actively 

One of the common pitfalls of learning how to talk to anyone is to only talk about yourself and only showing interest in topics that you are interested in.

One time, I went out with one of my girl friends. She had relationship woes. For three hours straight, she went on was how shit of their ex-boyfriend treated her. That spanned the whole of three damned hours. Whilst I’m perfectly cool with lending a listening ear, it just got downright exasperating and I felt like killing myself at the end of the session.

One a side note: if you want to feel better about yourself. It’s recommended to step outside of yourself and empathise with someone else’s problems. This is much better than ruminating through a self-defeating loop in your mind, obsessed over your own problems, trouble and pain. It helps, try it.

If you’re genuinely interested in the world of others, it’ll lead you to a lot more conversational opportunities.

Take a good listen to people around you. Everyone’s attempting to jam their point of view down everyone else’s throat. No one’s truly listening.

Conversations at the end of the day are a two-way thing. Yes, you get to share your story, once they are done listening to yours, do make a point to listen to their story. Part of being interesting is being genuinely interested remember?

How to Talk to Anyone

Mindset 4: Use Effective Language 

One principle of being a great communicator is by using effective language. This means using the shortest number of words possible to in conversation to get your point across. You’ll rather have five minutes of succinct  conversation as opposed to fifteen minutes of beating around the bush. This way, you’ll also come off as more well spoken and charismatic.

This means removing ‘ahh’ ‘you know’ and ‘erhms’ and other filters when conversing.

This doesn’t mean you speak like a robot either. You can use different tonality and pace to get more emotion across in your conversations. Writing and keeping a journal can help with this skillset.

When there’s nothing to say, don’t feel like a need that you have to say something. That’s part of being grounded in your social interactions. There’s no need to fill every silent gap with something to say. In psychology, it’s said that people who can’t help but ramble on to ‘keep the peace’ may be displaying a form of anxious attachment.

When in doubt, ask yourself, ask yourself, are you saying something because you’re afraid of the silence or the slight confrontation? If the answer is Yes, then it’s OKAY to keep to yourself. Remember, you don’t need permission to speak to anyone, or not speak to anyone.

How to Start a Conversation out of Nothing and Talk to Anyone

Skillset 1: Asking Innocuous Questions

I used to think that simple questions sounded stupid and it’s ‘impractical’ to ask someone on such questions. However, I realised innocuous questions are a mere social tool and conversational starter to get some social juices going when talking to strangers.

No one goes deep into their life story in the first few minutes of getting someone new, and no one expects a life story within the first few minutes either.

Some example of innocuous questions:

  • “What are you up to here?”
  • “How’s your day?”

You’ll be surprised how far these innocuous questions can help is starting a conversation with an interesting stranger.

Skillset 2: Making Simple Observations

Secondly, you can also start a conversation with a stranger (or an attractive woman) by making simple observations. You can get creative with this. It can be something in the current environment you’re in, it can be the nicely tailored suit that he’s wearing, or the cute blue toenails she has spent hours on. It can be the weather. It can be the fake tan she has on. (read: I’m kidding)

  • “Wow, the weather’s pretty hot today.”
  • ‘Those are nice blue toenails you have on, they are really cute.’

Just like asking innocuous questions, think of it as a conversational starter. Once you get small talks like that going, you can follow these observations up with a question, or a cold read.

Skillset 3: The Art of Cold Reading

Cold reading is the art of making an intelligent guess about something about someone. It doesn’t matter if you’re wrong or right. The point of it is to get the conversation going. It’s one of the most effective and a bread and butter of conversational tools that you should include in your daily life if you’re looking to improve your social and conversational skills.

Cold reading is done by making harmless neutral assumptions with the people you are talking with.

Examples of Cold Reading:

  • “Hi, you seem to be a really artsy person. Did you take an arts subject in school?”
  • “You look like you’re a school teacher… with that crazy hair you must be a pretty bad one, all the kids must stare at those crazy colours…”

The thing about cold reading and guessing is that you’ll never go wrong with it. If you get it wrong, he or she will correct you, and perhaps add onto it. If you are spot on, they’ll likely to think that you’re quite perceptive and may engage with you in conversation because of that. One time I got most of my cold reads right by chance by guessing a girl was half Japanese and studied at University of London. She reacted positively and was curious how did I know so much. I followed up by teasing that I stalk her daily on Facebook and Instagram.

Through cold reading, you can keep conversational threads flowing and then relate these threads back to your own life with your own experiences.

I’ve personally used this conversational tool thousands of times to spark new conversations or in the middle of dying conversations threads. It works every time.

Cold reading is a skillset that you can use to make statements. Even simple ones that include making observations about the environment or something that catches your eye. It’s possible to turn every question into a statement. For example, instead of asking what someone does for a job, why not make a statement that they looks like they work in creative line or looks like a teacher and etc.

If you get it wrong, they’ll correct you. If you get it right, they’ll be quite surprised at how intuitive you are. There are no loses to making cold reads.

You can also make statements about your day to day life. Instead of worrying what to ask next, you can just go off randomly on your day or events that interest you: ‘I hate my boss, he just made me do two times the work today’.

It’s better to be random and interesting than to be predictable. However, don’t be too random, as it won’t work in an Asian setting.

Statements done right can inspire someone to find out more about yourself. It can inspire someone to ask more questions about you. This way, it’s a two sided conversation.

Caveat: I’d like to add that questions are alright in an Asian setting, in some Asian cultures, people in general aren’t really conditioned to lead a social interaction, you’ll be required to do a little bit of babysitting by mixing questions with statements.

How to Keep a Conversation Going with Anyone

Now that you have started a conversation, so how do you keep a conversation going with anyone and how to never run out of words? In new social interactions, it’s best to assume to the burden of taking the lead to start, to continue and to lead conversation. Instead of ending your conversations with one-word answers: Yes or No, try to end it with stories, statements, emotion and specifics.

  • The Art of Improvisation

There’s a misconception that people pay attention to words and phrases. However, it’s the meaning of the conversation that people are more interested in. If you just pay attention to to phrases and words, it’ll result in an unnatural conversation. It’ll seem as if you’re trying to keep this conversation going and you’re afraid of silences.

The secret to creating endless conversational topics is to get good at improvisation. You can only get better with this skill by learning from stand up comedians. I started off studying George Carlin and Louis CK in attempting to better my chances with women, however, their style of comedy can be quite dark and self depreciating. That’s not really good for romantic situations. There are other good comedians such as Russell Brand and Russell Peters.

The best way to get good at improvisation is to gain an appreciation of language. Improvisation is impertinently important in learning to tease and build a sense of camaraderie. Old friends tease each other. Lovers tease each other. You can break the ice by being good at improv and teasing.

How to Talk to Girls - Start a Conversation and Connection 03

The Art of Story Telling: How to Tell a Story

Can you come off as charismatic when talking to anyone? Starting conversations is an important skill. However, learning how to continue them in a dynamic manner is also equally important.

Ever know someone who went on and on and on… you can’t help but quietly look away hoping he gets the signal that he’s being too too long-winded? Or maybe you know someone who awkwardly attempts to fit in a joke in his conversations?

Human beings, by nature, are enrapt by stories. People in power, businessmen, priests (erhem), comedians, and politicians all use the art of storytelling to explain, persuade and influence others to their way of thinking.

In the dating advice for men community, memorising stories and routines are popular methods. Whilst this might work in the short run, there’s going to come a point of time where you’re going to run out of words. Hence, I advocate understanding the principles of what makes a dynamic conversation and apply them using your own life stories and experiences.

Learning how to tell a story in a structured, and interesting manner will make you a good conversationalist and every great story has a rough three-step process.

  • The Set Up

The set up gives context to the conflict of the story. It’s the general setting, such as the location and brief details of the story. The set up should be as short as possible. But it’s necessary to give the initial context and foundation for the follow-up of the complete story.

If you don’t set up your stories, you’ll come off to others as random in your conversations.

One simple one lined example of the “set up” would be this:

“I was attending my school orientation the other day. Whilst watching the orientation games, there was this girl that tripped and fell. I was an asshole about it and laughed a little.”

It’s descriptive and gives background to the story.

  • The Conflict

The conflict is the part where you introduce the majority of the story. This should be the part that causes tension and expectancy. The content of the story needs to be captivating and hook others into wanting to know what will happen next. If there isn’t much conflict in the content of your stories, you will get the feeling that you ramble on a lot and others are not paying attention to you.

To continue to story from the set up:

“One of the most attractive girls in the whole of the camp took me by surprise and gave me a smack on my arm. I actually froze up! I froze up and walked away like an idiot! I should have just said something out of my mouth or smacked her back. But I didn’t. I retardedly froze up and walked away.”

“However, I never really felt right, that’s because I didn’t want myself worth to be judged on how many girls date, or anything like that. I also felt I wasn’t experienced enough to coach guys that might be twice my age.”

  • The Resolution/ Punchline

The resolution and the punchline are where you insert ‘the moral of the story’, the ‘punchline’ and the ‘joke’ to end of the story, or just closure for a generic story. People who don’t conclude their stories properly will often get blank stares when they’re finished speaking, or people will ask them “Yeah, and…?”

To end off the story with a punchline:

“Lesson learned! Never ever stand beside an attractive woman during orientation games.” (Joke)

“Nonetheless, I’ve decided to give it a shot, as long as I do my research, and stick to my values, and business values, I’m sure it’ll turn out alright.”

These are all true stories by the way.

Learning how to tell stories in a dynamic and interesting manner is a conversational habit has helped me over the years with strangers, sales and persuading others in my business and dating life. Learning how to structure your conversations is going to be helpful for everything from sales presentations, networking events, casual conversations and other forms of social interactions. It can also make or break a romantic interaction when you’re expected to lead in conversation.

Mar 25

How To Get a Girl To Come Over – Make Sex a Win for Her

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Every modern dating problem starts off with the proposition that women are the gate keepers of sex and men are the gate keepers of commitment. Modern culture tends to equate love with sex, and sex with commitment and passion with unconditional love. Henceforth the burn question on millions of millions of men’s minds… how to get a girl to come over to yours?

Stop Apologising for Your Natural Attraction to The Feminine

If you’re like most men, you probably don’t feel worthy to be physically touchy with a girl on a date, and why is that so?

It’s not difficult to draw parallels between social stigma and sexual shame. In certain cultures, sex, emotions and relationships are hardly discussed around the dinner table when growing up. If you’re an Asian, these topics aren’t openly discussed or addressed. The majority of us aren’t primed to openly discuss issues such as emotions from a young age, and it’s no most men feel awkward communicating intimately to the opposite sex.

Being a male… it is on you to lead the interaction and not wait for the green lights. The majority of dating advice (arguably, pick up artist advice) is dependent on trying one’s best not to get rejected and adjusting our behaviours according to hers. The metric of success should not be non-rejection but if you ‘played to win’.

The more feminine she is, the more you are going to be required to lead physically. She’s not going to initiate for you. If you’re interested, just pull the trigger and ask her out: face the impending disappointment or rejection. If you’re going to be rejected, so be it… at least you failed through playing to win.

Yes, you can be sexually attracted without being emotionally connected to her. You’re taught that for sex to happen, you need to feel emotionally connected with or have to have meaningful conversations. No, that’s not true. You can desire a woman completely for her physique. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.

In reality, you are not going connect emotionally with every woman you are attracted to. However, you’re mostly going to want to have sex with most attractive women. Stop apologizing and hesitating on your desires.

There are many women who aren’t looking to connect with anybody at that point of her life. She may just want to date around. Note, she’s not going to say anything that makes her look like a slut because society makes it hard for women to express these notions socially. Hence, don’t decide for her whether she’s down to come back to your place. Stop projecting your insecurities.

Looking back, I had tons of times where I was out with a girl and didn’t notice that she’s actually interested in me. I thought we were simply ‘hanging out’. Needless to say, I missed out on a ton of opportunities.

How To Get a Girl To Come Over: Expected Return

Whilst traveling through Europe, I found myself in multiple situations where I could have gotten a girl to come back to mine if I settled for second best. However, I got greedy and only desired the most attractive girl on that particular night out. It didn’t matter if she wasn’t giving me positive signals. It didn’t matter if she said she had a boyfriend. I told myself: “I’m not settling for anything less.”

If there are many options in that particular night out… it is okay to be greedy. However, towards the end of the night, you want to be smart and focus on the interactions where there is an expected return. If a girl who isn’t the hottest in the venue that is interested in you and it is nearing the end of the night. You should go for her instead of gunning for the ones that aren’t showing an expected return.

If you let up your ideal choice for secondary or tertiary choices, this can help with practice by going through the entire process of the dating process of attracting her, connecting with her, making her feel comfortable and taking her home. 

Qualify for Logistics and Social Circumstances

I was out with a friend last night at a bar in the city. Three girls sat beside him and I opened and got to know them. I initially thought I had the entire night to spill my game. Until one friend signalled to the group that she was tired and wanted to go home. There are no moral victories in the game of dating. If her friend desire to go home, the rest may follow suit.

Yes, you can attract a girl indirectly by not showing interest directly. However, in this case, I didn’t get to the point and I played it too cool.

One hour into the interaction, I had positive results with the girl I was interested in, I could tell:

  • She’s slightly chasing
  • She’s laughing

She’s obviously attracted. However, in this case I overstepped my mark. Instead of making a connection I pushed and teased too much. I wanted her to invest and to chase more. I also took quite a depersonalized approach to the interaction. I didn’t truly get to know her as a genuine person. 

It got to the point that I was trying way too hard and there wasn’t any genuine connection between us. Needless to say, I went home empty handed because I was trying to put all my eggs in one basket. Logistically, things changed really fast and we lost the interaction. 

If she’s attracted and give you positive signals, don’t over step your mark and make her chase too much. It’s okay to demonstrate interest. It’s also okay to ‘be a little needy’ to ensure your interaction moves forward. For example, if you had an amazing interaction with a girl you met at the club and if she decides to go to the bathroom in the club, you can follow her despite it looking ‘needy’. It’s much better than losing the entire interaction. 

Taking that social risk and and trying to get her back to yours is much better than playing it cool and losing an interaction completely. 

Helpful Frames for Sexual Intimacy to Happen

If you are physically intimate with her on a date then good… now you need an excuse to get her to your place. There’s no need for any fancy excuse. I used to get girls in my car and drive to mine without saying anything. These days, I simply say: “let’s chill at mine.”

The point is to make sure you are not making her feel like a slut. Take the pressure off her. I’ll tell her not to mess up my room. Telling her if she stays over she’s sleeping on the floor and you’re the one who’s sleeping on the bed. Saying stuff like that can take the pressure off her and makes her feel less of a slut.

When you’re finally back at yours… get her to feel comfortable. You can box her around with your boxing gloves and be keep it light-hearted and playful. Treat her like a little sister that you never had. Then, you can start slowly be physically intimate with her. If she resist against your advances… take a step back and empathise.

My personal belief is that if you come from a standpoint of emotional needs for status, connection and security that an ideal boyfriend will. You can be that empathetic and high value male that she’ll break all rules for you. 

When you start kissing and there’s a bedroom nearby… the rest is usually history. In my experience, sex from first dates do happen. However, the majority of them are simply going to happen on the second to third time you meet her. It all depends on the comfort level and her values on sex.

However do note that if you’re not at final base by the third date, she’s either not comfortable with casual sex or she has completely different values from you.

Mar 18

How to Date a Girl for the First Time – First Date Kiss?

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Ever wondered what to do on the first date? First dates can be confusing. Some people opt for fanciful dinners, others say to keep it light. Then there are the other questions ranging from how do you get to know her on a first date? How can you get her to get to know you on the first date? Can first dates lead to sex?

In my experience, as a general principle, you should treat all your dates like the first date: your dates got to lead to somewhere. You need to be one leading in conversation, when it comes to changing venues, physically and emotionally. How well she gets to know you is going to be dependent on your conversation skills and ability to connect with her.

How to Date a Girl for First Time: The Ultimate Guide

  • Fancy First Date Idea? No, Stick to Coffee 

In general, I only plan for low cost and investment first dates. This usually means coffee at Starbucks or a cafe. If you’re a creep, she’s free to excuse herself since it’s a public area. If she doesn’t turn out like who she is on her online dating profile, your investment is a mere coffee. You’re both free to excuse yourselves.

  • Pick a Central Location

Psychological research also shows that people value things more when they get they invest personal time, money and effort.

On picking a location, there’s no need to get fancy with crazy first date ideas. You should choose a neutral location between your place and hers. This way, she’ll be investing time and effort to travel to meet you. I almost never drive to pick anyone up for a first date.

However, you’ll soon figure out that time and money aren’t extremely powerful forms of investment at all. It’s the emotional investment that count.

  • Time: Evenings

You should ideally plan dates for the evening to generate more expectation. Oh yes, do note that a date out with her friends is NOT a date. 

  • Set the Tone

The first date is the date that is going to set the tone of your relationship with her. If she’s attracted to you and you don’t act upon it, she is going to lose that attraction. 

  • Create Opportunities for Physical Intimacy 

In general, try to create opportunities for physical intimacy on the first date. This means, forget movie and dinner dates. They are too un-interactive and don’t introduce any physical intimacy: in the movie theatre, you’re are sitting beside her, silent and facing forward. Not a good idea to get to know each other.

If you’re at a restaurant, depending on your smart you are with your sitting position, you might end up sitting across her and facing her like you’re going in for an interview. That’s not good. You want to try to flirt physical during the first date. The problem with fancy dinners dates is that they’re also costly. Not to mention it’s really boring to just sit across someone and converse for the next 2 hours.

Plan Out the Route to From First Date to Sex

You are not actually going spend 4-5 hours coffee getting to know someone. You’re going to have to plan for at least three low investment form of activities. Ideally, start your date at around 6pm. You want to be peaking together at around 10 pm or 11 pm. The key is to give her the “I need to go home, but I don’t want to yet” feeling.

Here’s a common first date plan I use:

  • Meet her midway for coffee at Starbucks
  • Then something casual: walk in the parks, walks by the beach, visiting the bookstore or get her to join you in one of your hobbies

So how do you choose the right locations to go to? This really depends on her personality. The hippies will prefer cafes, stand up comedy and music events. The more adventurous and sporty ones are going to prefer the outdoors. The shopaholics will prefer, erhem, the shopping malls. If you’re in a shopping haven like Singapore, you can go window shopping. 

It’s also a good opportunity to expand your identity and your interests. Interested in singing? Invite her to your weekly karaoke session. Interested in martial arts? Get her to sign up for a trial class at your gym.

It’s fun to walk, talk, poke fun at her when she says something cute (or retarded). When you’re walking beside each other, it’s easier to punctuate your conversations with physical touches.

Ideally, you should be trying to flirt with her physically right from the get go. You should be teasing her in your conversations and punctuating your sentences with slight touches. 

Note: These days, I don’t really plan out anything special for first dates. If you are generating enough leads through cold approaching or online dating apps, then you want your first date to me more of a screening process. There are going to be first dates that don’t go to anywhere. Hence, there’s no need to come up with fanciful ideas. I like the idea of going to a cafe and then straight to drinks. If you want to plan out more special dates, then make sure both of you really like each other and get a long. Then plan something out on the second or third date.

  • Grab drinks at a bar near your place
  • Find an excuse to come to your place 
  • The Multiple Location Strategy

The classic strategy is to take her to different date location. Psychology suggests that if you’re the only constant among all these changing places, she’ll feel that she ‘got to know you more’. However, you can’t be bouncing around aimlessly, you need to progress your date closer to yours. This requires you to be spontaneous and armed with knowledge about your city.

  • Dinner? Yes or No?

I’m not saying 100% no to dinner dates. The majority of my coffee dates end up with dinner. That’s after if both of us get along well during coffee. Contrary to popular belief, women do not like heavily planned romantic and expensive dinners for first dates. (Read: gold diggers are an exception.)

However, I’m stating a hard no to romantic, expensive, high expectations kind of dinner dates: the ones where you roll up in your father’s Mercedes Benz to some fancy restaurant. (read: the ones that you pretend to understand the menu.)

Lastly, you want your first dates to be efficient: not all first dates are going to lead to sex. You’re not going to enjoy every single date and not every girl is going to be into you. If you’re not attracted to her or she’s not showing any interest in you, feel free to walk off and end the date right there and then. Other than strong not wasting your time, it’s also a demonstration of strong boundaries.

Ultimately, keep your first couple of dates economical, low investment and light hearted. This saves you money and alleviates pressure from her. 

Who Pays on the First Date?

In my experience, I’ve been on first dates with women who were earning  higher income than me. In Singapore, the guys generally start drawing an income later than girls as they’ve got two years of national service in the military.

In general, most of the women I’ve been on dates with don’t mind going dutch. However, in Models, Mark Manson suggested that there’s an intrinsic sense of chivalry that women enjoy that makes them feel feminine when you pay for them. He argued that one of the primary psychological need in women is security: paying for them lends itself to that.

Here’s how I normally do it: I make it a team effort. I’ll often pay first and then tell her to buy something else in return later. There’s no need to be uptight and stingy if you’re earning an income. If you’re earning an income much higher than her, it would make sense for you to pay for her. You can get her to make it a team activity and get her to pay for dessert or drinks after. The key is not to make the paying thing too awkward. 

How to Escalate Physically on the First Date

In modern culture narratives, women are perceived in a negative light if they initiate on romantic advances. That’s because by initiating interest, she’ll be judged by society as a… ‘slut’. This is why women mostly will never initiate. Even if she wants to. 

If you grew up in a traditional Asian culture, you are probably told to be polite, be nice and not to be pushy with women. Let alone on first dates. I’m going to differ. It’s pointless to approach hundreds of girls, be extremely charismatic on on text but being unable to make the close on the date. This is why it’s always on YOU to push for sex as early as the first date.

If you are making out with her and holding hands with her towards the end of your first date, there’s an opportunity to get her back to yours. You’ll want to take your date to somewhere more private. I recommend bars and cafes that are along beaches. Beach dates are great for intimacy and privacy. It can be playgrounds or small parks. You can simply say you know an awesome bar near yours, grab her hand and get into the cab.

Remember, lead, lead and always lead. 

There are going to be a percentage of women who aren’t comfortable with physical intimacy on the first date and there are going to be women that are. However, like I always say: lead and ask forgiveness later.

If you meet her at a cafe or a coffeeshop, choose a seat that plants you beside her instead of in front of her. Either that, just stand up, and plant yourself beside her. It might seem awkward, however, I’ve done that it a couple of times and if she’s attracted, she won’t reject you. Remember, women desire to be desired.

The ability to be physically intimate with women is going to differentiate your results by a mile.

Mar 11

How to Build Sexual Tension – Mindsets to Get Her to Chase

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

You can dress well, hit the gym and get your studies or work right, have friends that you enjoy with being have hobbies going for you… yet still fail to elicit sexual tension between you and your romantic partners.

To quote Neil Strauss:

“In life, people tend to wait for good things to come to them. And by waiting, they miss out. Usually, what you wish for doesn’t fall in your lap; it falls somewhere nearby, and you have to recognize it, stand up, and put in the time and work it takes to get to it. This isn’t because the universe is cruel. It’s because the universe is smart. It has its own cat-string theory and knows we don’t appreciate things that fall into our laps.”

In my first year of learning this entire attracting women thing, I spent a ton of time dolling myself up with nice-looking clothes, hitting the gym and ‘looking good’. I still didn’t get laid. In fact, I’d argue that focusing too much on being good looking may even work against you. Girls may call you out for being a player and she’s may project all sort of stereotypes onto you.

This is why you need to learn how to elicit sexual tension in your romantic interactions.

How to be Naturally Generate Sexual Tension

  • The Basics

Firstly, the basics work at all times: dress well on a date, have good relaxed open body language and eye contact. This means not being too jittery, not being shifty in your gaze and putting on a relaxed smile.

  • Get Off on Alcohol

Secondly, the dating advice out there that absolutely against alcohol in attempt to get sexual with women. I have nothing against casual drinking and trying to meet girls. It’ll be socially weird if you are out on a bar just to hit on girls with on drinks on hand. If you’re just using it as a social gel, such as getting a drink with a girl who’s already into you, then it’s fine. 

However, if you’re using alcohol as a crutch to hit on women then that’s the problem. If you’re so afraid of your own sexuality that you’re using alcohol to deal with it, then I recommend you look into my guide about toxic shame.

  • Go No Fap

I noticed a huge difference in the way I carry myself when I don’t use pornography. I’ll be more motivated to approach women and be more sexual with them. If you’re hitting the clubs in an hour, then don’t masturbate and preserve the energy for the night. If you really feel the urge to get one out, you can replace it pornographic usage with other habits.

In the popular self-help book Think or Grow Rich, it’s suggested that the most successful and powerful people in history go on sexual abstinences to preserved energy for work. Research and studies also back up that pornography can screw up your perception on sex as portrays an unrealistic picture of human sexuality. If you can’t help but need to get one off, you should only be doing it after accomplishing everything you want to achieve in the day. 

If you are raring to go with all that pent up sexual aggression… it’s going to rub off in your interactions with women. You are going to be a lot more sexually aggressive and be primed to take more social risks.

How to Generate Sexual Tension: Understanding Premise

One core principle of generating sexual tension is in art of setting a premise. It is the idea of evaluating the person you are dating as much as they are evaluating you. This not only balances out the power dynamic in the relationship, it also creates uncertainty in your interaction between you and her.

Uncertainty creates sexual tension.

Think of premise like being a doctor, as opposed to the pushy salesman. You have a problem, I have a solution and you’re the one that chooses to take up that solution. People don’t like being sold to, they like buying. 

This analogy is exemplified in the luxury products industry. Their staff isn’t pushing their luxury products in your face. You’re the one pining to be in their shops to get the that limited edition of that particular product.

In this case, you are framing yourself to be the luxury product and she’s the buyer.

Premise is the context of which you establish any relationship. If you find yourself constantly chasing, putting in an effort and not getting any investment from her end, you lack a premise. You are also likely to lack relationship boundaries.

For example, if you are always the nice guy who always makes himself available to her, she’ll perceive you as a the nice guy going forward. That’s your premise of your relationship with her moving forward in time. It’s harder to change that precedent of a relationship between you and her as opposed to establishing it early.

Of course, setting a premise in itself is limiting in itself. You need to be able to walk the talk. If you are a self-invested individual, then evaluating your time spent with anyone is part of your personal values and not some phoney trick. 

No sexual tension

Not the way to do it

Power Dynamics

If you are outrightly demonstrating your undying lover for her… she knows she already won you over right from the start. You are also putting all of your cards on the table without generating any form emotional investment on her end. You are giving away too much power too early on. She also doesn’t really feel truly appreciated by you. She doesn’t feel special.

That’s because you haven’t ‘qualified’ or ‘disqualified’ her. Only by consciously approving, disapproving, giving and withdrawing validation… you can get her to chase and emotionally invest. 

This creates sexual tension between you and her that is aching to be resolved through insatiable mutual lust.

Trust Your Gut 

There’s something to be said about trusting yourself on a gut level. The more you look to others to completely imitate sexually attractive behaviours, the more you’ll find yourself feeling like an imposter. Stop looking to others to copy behaviour. Trust yourself.

Trusting yourself and holding her hand, going for the kiss or grabbing her by the waist on a date are romantically polarizing behaviours. You’re putting yourself up for rejection. However, it demonstrates true confidence. Girls can sense that kind true confidence.

I quote a line from Models by Mark Manson:

“Until you learn to trust your own actions and learn to pursue women with your own unique style and personality, you have learned absolutely nothing.”

Lead Physically, and Always Be Leading

To elicit sexual tension, it’s all about leading. You’ll need to lead verbally, emotionally, physically and logistically. She’s not going to do it for you. It’s naturally congruent to be a leader and sexually confident. If you’re approaching a woman with intent, you have to back it up by being congruent. Women respond to leadership

If you’re looking to move a romantic interaction to a venue that allows for more intimacy, don’t ask, lead. She’s not going to say yes because that makes her look like the decision maker. She’s not going to lead the interaction for you. That’s because she can’t look like ‘a slut’ to modern cultural narratives. You need to be the one ‘responsible’.

You can start with light social touches (elbows and shoulders) as a means to create sexual tension and then escalate from there. If she signals that she is comfortable with your touches, then lead and slowly escalate. 

Sexual Tension isn’t Built from Memorising Lines

If you are relying on routines and canned lines to build sexual tension you are bound to run out of words. I once planned everything, worried about everything and tried to do every damned detail right in my interactions in person, in text and went to the extent of analysing every single interaction. 

Needless to say I was too stifled in my interactions. It’s a misconstrued idea that romantic interactions can be completely objectified. Social interactions ain’t a hard science. Romantic interactions are like a cosmic clash. You’re an unknown entity to her and vice versa. Some times, it’s going to be awkward for both of you. That’s completely natural. So expect some nervousness, awkwardness and ride the waves.

If you’re too reliant on canned routines, you are going to find yourself being the entertainer as opposed to the sexually arousing male. This certainly destroys sexual tension. In my younger days, I tend to get into this whole ‘frat’ boy kind of schtick when out on date just to demonstrate that I’m friendly and confident and the same time. It’s a schtick. Girls can sniff out whether you’re really sexually confident or simply putting a front. 

Conclusion

Creating sexual tension goes hand in hand with simply deciding to take control in your romantic interactions.

The majority of men are afraid of sexualising an interaction is because they are afraid of expressing their own sexuality. Look, you can’t do anything if a girl decides to slap you when you try going in for the kiss. You can’t do anything if you said something a joke that was funny to you but ended up pissing her off. In spite of everything, always be leading.

This is part of an unapologetic attractive man’s attitude. It is to be responsible for one’s own desires and stop worrying about things out of your control: other people’s actions and emotions. 

Mar 04

How to Talk to a Girl – 3 Techniques To Endless Conversation

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

She’s your dream girl and you feel nervous… you stutter on your words and you finally screw it up big time. Talking to attractive women can be intimidating. Yet, it can be learned. This is true be if you’re chatting up a stranger at the shopping, out on a date or at the club. This means being able to generate conversations out of mid air with a girl. That doesn’t make you look like you’re an interviewing her and simultaneously encourage her to open up and talk about herself.

The Basics: Look Like a Friendly Stranger

I grew up in a conservative culture and the majority of women aren’t equipped with social skills to deal with a conversation with a stranger. I figured this the hard way when a good percentage of women I approached can be pretty shell shocked. They end up freezing up.

This means looking like a friendly individual is going to make all your conversations and interactions with women a hundred times easier. Whilst most pick up artists obsess over arbitrary lines or techniques when talking to girls, you should focus on making her feel comfortable initially.

This is non negotiable.

You don’t have to go overboard and go walking in suits. However, you got have a minimal sense of fashion. This means clean shirts, jeans and shoes that fit.

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How to Start a Conversation with a Girl

Imagine this, she’s going about her day, rushing off to meet her friends, or some meeting, and you, an unknown stranger, rolls up to her, stops her, and tells her in her face that she’s cute. At this point, you’ve implicitly or explicitly signalled that you are invested in the prospect of dating her within a couple of seconds.

That’s a lot for a girl who barely knows you. This is especially so if you’re doing it in a public setting, or when she has her friends/ her parents around. You got to be empathetic in such situations and put yourself in her shoes.

So, before you actually tell her the actual reason why you’re approaching her, you should say:

  • ‘I know this is really out of the blue’
  • ‘This can be quite upfront… however…’
  • ‘I know you’re feeling nervous…’

These are statements of empathy.

In general, it can be more socially comfortable by being indirect when starting a conversation by asking random questions or talking about the weather.

However, I am pretty impatient by nature and I rather get my message across. So, being more direct is more congruent to my personality. It also depends on situation to situation. Sometimes, I go indirect. It can be making an observation or making a cold read: an observation about something or someone in the environment that you’re in.  

If you wish to start a conversation with a girl who is a complete stranger, you can use this line: “I know is this kind of random, but I thought you’re really cute and I just had to say Hi.” 

Notice the extra sentence to give her time to calibrate: “I know this is kind of random.”

always use this exact line when talking to someone new.

Note: don’t go up to her abruptly, don’t approach her from behind. If you are a beginner, it’s best not to touch her at all. Just stand walk up beside her and plant yourself in front of her. This isn’t a hard or fast rule, as you get better you’ll be able to socially calibrate according to the social situation.

The Basics: Understand if You’re Coming off Too Strong

When most people ask me how do I go about talking to women that are complete strangers. I simply say it’s ’empathy’. They often give me confused look. Empathy? What’s that? How does it even look like?

Fundamentally, empathy means putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and imagining how he or she feels in that particularly situation.

Empathy also means should also be aware of body language. If she looks shocked and slightly taken a back, you can take tiny step back and give her more personal space. Here’s a tip: a light smile helps a lot. Such subtleties are different for every woman. It’s also different for different girls you talk to. Girls who are more shy are going to be a lot more taken a back from girls who gets talked to regularly.

When starting out, you’re going to be really worried about lines, techniques, your body language, tonality, eye contact and etc. That’s normal.

However, as you progress. You’ll also find that talking to women and getting rejected isn’t that bad after all. The majority of girls aren’t going to slap you in the face.

From personal experience, the more physically attractive a woman is the more she is able to take social pressure. That’s because attractive women have been hit on a million times since puberty. Note, I’m not making a sexist judgment. It’s merely a personal observation. Well, it’s a win-win. I assume you’re going to talk to women that are attractive right?

Have a Solid Interaction and Lead in Conversation

One core principle of talking to girls is the ability to lead in conversation.

Fear running out or words? Fear not.

This can be accomplished by learning the skillset of cold reading. Cold read is the art of generating statements out of cold air. Cold reading can also help you avoid looking like an interviewer. Over the years, I realised questions are inevitable in certain cultures. Just making statements isn’t going to help. The general rule of thumb is to make a statement before asking her a question.

Cold reading isn’t just enough to form a deep conversation with a stranger, you’ll need to know how to:

“You look like you’re on the way to school. Nice shoes by the way. Let me guess, you must be a business student.”

She’s going to either correct you or agree with you at this point of time. It doesn’t matter. It gives you conversational material to work with.

“I study accounting, I don’t really enjoy it, but the practical side of me says that I got to do it, what about you, you’re passionate about business or you’re just following the path of a Singaporean girl?”

You should also attempt to tease her early on in the interaction to lighten your interaction up.

‘You’re probably going to lose money for your company. You totally don’t look like a business student.’

Note: do it with a smile of course.

This is an example of a direct approach, coupled with the cold reading skillset, sprinkled with a light compliment. Light compliments and teasing help ease the interaction.

Following up on her response, you can continue asking her questions or statements to relate to her. Free association and conversational improvisation skills are required to generate a continuous conversation. This requires practice. You can’t script or prepare humour. It’s practiced by free association and improvisation. Here’s a mental shortcut: I find useful to stick to general principles such as teasing her about her stereotype that she fits into.

I recommending practicing and learning these conversational skillsets before going up to a random stranger. I do cover these skillsets in my courses and programs. However, for brevity’s sake, I’m not going to include all of this for this article. If you’re still confused, I created courses as a dating coach that has helped people all over the world succeed in their dating life.

Should You Memorize Lines for Conversations?

Some times I get the question if one should memorize lines for conversations. Personally, I never felt right memorising lines. It has never turned out well for me. Furthermore, you don’t want to be some robotic person repeating what somebody wrote on the internet.

There’s no need to memorize anything, I’ve sparked conversations with people all over the world with this simple line: “Hi I’m Marcus, I just wanted to say Hi, you look like…”.

I haven’t had a drink splashed on me yet.

I recommend understanding the principles of conversations, using your own unique life stories and motivations. This will serve you much better in the long run. Not to mention social interactions has many variables that are out of your control and cannot be completely boxed and quantified like a formula.

However, if you’re starting out you can memorize one line jokes or some of your own life stories as training wheels. They should come naturally out of you after some practice.

The Art of Qualification: Deep Appreciation

Mark Twain was quoted saying: “really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great.”

When was the last time someone took notice of something about you and appreciated that aspect of you? You see, appreciation is as aspect that’s left out in our culture and conversations. That’s because it genuine appreciation requires vulnerability.

The secret desire is that everyone desires to be appreciated and to be admired. The art of qualification is the art of appreciating someone for their values or personality. The way to get good at this is to step outside one’s initial judgments and ask yourself why someone behaves the way they do.

I also don’t mean complimenting someone for the sake of complimenting them. You got to convey your compliments in an authentic manner.

For example: the guy who seems fearless in his entrepreneurial pursuits, selfish with his time, demand and uptight about his schedule isn’t actually being an asshole. He could be working on a huge project that may help his family financially.

Someone who is extremely financially motivated might not be money minded. He might be doing it because he had a negative experience financially when he was young.

I choose to write about social skills, dating and relationships because I essentially care about this area of my life. Writers make choices. It must certainly mean something to me. So does everyone, with whatever they choose to pursue.

The world is mired in advertising, societal narratives, family, friends telling you and everyone else that they aren’t good enough. If you’re able to dig beneath the surface, figure out why people do what they do and appreciate them for that, you’ll stand out from the norm in their lives. It’s only when you find that gold in someone, appreciate them for that, and watch them lit up like a Christmas tree.

How to Build a Deep Emotional Connection

As humans being, we all have an inherent emotional need for connection and significance in our relationships. Modern society often shames us for expressing what you really feel or think. Hence all of us grow up to hold back our thoughts, desires, and feelings, whether be it consciously or subconsciously.

If you’re going to meet someone and merely talk about the weather, gossip on your mutual friends or nerd out about politics, then you aren’t being truly vulnerable. If all you know about someone is merely the superficial facts about someone, then you don’t really know someone at all.

How to Talk to Girls 11

Men tend to converse through information, fact and theories and women through relationships and emotions. The majority of men pay attention to the “WHATs” of life: their job, their cat’s name and where they live. They rarely peer into the WHYs. Note that facts are mere superficial details of the emotions experienced. You want to relate to the underlying emotions behind the facts.

Conversing through stories and emotions will not only help you connect to someone in a deeper manner, but it’ll also help you connect on a more meaningful level. Deeper friendships and romantic relationships aren’t merely built by the number of experiences two people share together, it’s also built upon share values. If you haven’t figure out by now. Values are why we do and act on our life choices.

No matter how unique you may think you are, every individual in the world has gone through some form of success, failure, hurt, disappointment, anger and lost. If you wish to connect with her emotionally, you got to open yourself up and relate to her on these universal emotions and experiences.

I often tell people that I’m quite a good judge of character and their motivation. That’s because I pay attention to the undercurrent of what she is saying, as opposed to the superficial layers of what she is saying. Powerful emotional connection is built upon understanding and relating to each other’s WHYs in life.

You need to pay attention to the motivations behind pursuits and behaviours.

Here’s an example of going into the WHYs:

Her: Wow, what inspired you to be an entrepreneur at such a young age?
Me: I pursue business I want to be financially free because I felt financially suffocated during my teenage years as my family went bankrupt for a period of time.

That is a ‘why’.

Here’s another way to relate to her in a dynamic way:

I was once a competitor in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and currently I’m an entrepreneur. The feeling before a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu competition is the same pressure before a giving a business pitch.

They are both some sort of competition in some way. One of them is trying to overcome a physical challenge whilst the other a financial one. The Brazilian Jiu Jitsu competitor is risking failure, success, and embarrassment just like how the entrepreneur is.

Never thought how a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu champion can relate to an entrepreneur uh?

Like I mentioned, everyone on this planet shares a handful of universal emotional realities: ambition, shame, alienation, loneliness, achievement, regret, hardship, friendship, love, heartbreak. You and I have all experienced it. The facts change, but the feelings stay the same.

It’s merely how well and willing you are able to express yours. This will in turn inspire them to share theirs. This requires some degree of vulnerability. It’s true that many carry themselves in a superficial manner in order to fit in with society. However, everybody has it somewhere in them. It’s your job to dig it out and connect with that part of them. That’s where the real magic happens.

To do this you need to be self aware of your own life stories and motivations.

Be Aware of Your Own Life Stories and Motivations

The rule of thumb here is to always go first. If you share a vulnerable part of yourself, it’ll inspire them to share about theirs.

However, to do that, you first have to be firstly aware of your own emotions, motivations and life story.

This includes:

  • Your passions and favourite things to do
  • Your dreams, ambitions, life goals
  • Best/worst thing that has happened to you
  • Your childhood, family life and upbringing

You can initiate these conversations by a simple cold read: you look like someone that is close to your family.

This is where majority of people (especially men) fail at this. Men tend to discuss technical know-hows and superficial details rather than be introspective about their own emotions. Here’s a reframe: by being alright with sharing any part of yourself, you can become truly confident. The majority of guys suck at talking about themselves. They think talking about themselves is ‘weird’ in some ways. Women, on the other hand are super engaged when they are talking about themselves (or each other). This is why women enjoy gossiping, creating drama or people watching.

Here is an example:

I always wanted to be a psychologist growing up because I had a lot of problems growing up as a rebellious teenager. I was always angry, apathetic and under performing. I ended up being hooked onto self development due to a horrible break up with my ex-girlfriend. I was addicted to the fact that I could have a control over my dating life and social interactions.

Through years of failure, today, I feel much more in control of my dating life. I took an interest in psychology that partially inspired my entrepreneurial projects.

However, if you talk about how you FEEL about your experiences, then you can relate to how she FEELS about her experiences. It’s never the experiences themselves that make the difference, it’s the similar underlying emotions of those experiences that you relate to someone that makes a difference.

Here are some examples:

She studies really hard to get into law school because she was brought up by a single Mum and she wants to be self-reliant and independent. That’s driving her. You can relate to her by saying that you had a distant upbringing with your family and you always had to rely on yourself emotionally to get by.

When you open up about yourself and can relate to each other’s emotions and experience, you’ll elicit them to to open up about themselves. The more this goes on, the more personal stories become and the deeper the emotions you connect with. The harder it is to talk about it as a subject, the more genuine and attractive it potentially can be. For example, topics such as childhood, upbringing and family life are often hard for someone to express, especially so in Asian culture.

Emotional connection occurs only through exposing yourself to a certain degree. It cannot be faked.

Confrontation and Boundaries

Lastly, confrontation is necessary to build a deeper emotional connection. Think of it as a parent who sits you down, says something that you don’t want to hear, but know that you should hear. You hate it at first, however, you appreciate that after awhile because deep down you know they are saying so because they care for you.

How to Talk to Girls 03

Confrontation can be painful and vulnerable. The majority of people avoid confrontation in the fear of rocking the boats in a relationship. However, it is necessary. Confrontation was something I started to get more comfortable with as I grew older. This is especially so with close relationships.

Recently, I confronted two good friends. I was feeling really upset on their unreliability and a host of other issues. I kept it in for months. However, it finally felt inauthentic to be around them without expressing those issues. It didn’t feel like a genuine friendship anymore. It felt like I was holding back my thoughts and desires in fear of losing the relationship.

Confrontation from a dating and relationships aspect can be as simple as calling a girl out for being half an hour late into a date to confronting your boyfriend about those weird late night calls to his ex. These conversations are almost often downright uncomfortable, but necessary. However, it is only through confrontation that an authentic and deeper relationship is formed.

How to Ask For Her Number

If you strike up a conversation with her as a stranger… to measure if it is a solid interaction… you’re going to require minimally 5 minutes with her. I generally find interactions that last lesser than 5 minutes don’t go anywhere. However here’s the thing. If she likes you and assuming you’re generally a friendly looking individual. Your conversation is going to naturally last more than 5 minutes.

There’s there’s the age-old question of how to get a girl’s number?

Once you feel like you’ve gone from stranger to acquaintances, you should ask her out for a coffee right there and then. I always do that. You can also frame the way you ask her out.

“You’re nice to talk to, you seem like an interesting person, let’s grab coffee some day.” 

Only when she agrees, then ask for her number. There’s no perfect line to ask for her number. Just say:

“Let’s keep in touch and let’s exchange contacts.”

I say this all the time, the words are superficial, it’s the intention underneath it that counts. If she says no, then it’s alright as well. Just wish her well and move on. Rejection is part of the game.

Putting it all Together

When you combine multiple conversational skillsets of cold reading, making statements over questions, humour, storytelling, improvisation and deep emotional connection, you’ll eventually find yourself in being able to direct and control the flow of any conversation. This is actually easier than it sounds. You are probably already using different parts of these skillsets in your daily conversations.

When I was seventeen years of age, I was the biggest countercultural hippie. I listened to John Lennon, dropped out of Junior College and proclaimed that all you need is love. I declared that life was all too short to be worried about the practical things in life.

I was with my ex girlfriend and we sat at the playground near my house. I went off about how societal expectations were ridiculous and gave a mini-lecture quarter baked lecture on the universe and the impermanence of reality. I told her how amazing it was to exist as a tiny speck of the universe. I ranted passionately for a good hour. She listened. And she listened well.

I then caught myself rambling and stared into her eyes.

I said: “Were you even listening, did you understand what I just said?”

She said: “No, I don’t. But I just love the way you say it.”

I got annoyed because I wanted her to understand my quarter baked theoretical lecture. She didn’t. However, years later, looking back, she probably loved how I expressed it. It was my passion, my values and storytelling at it’s finest. That was because those stories demonstrated my vulnerability. My authenticity.

Fast forward years later and I found myself dating another girl at this bar near my home. I had gotten into competitive martial arts and was preparing for a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournament. I ranted off on about how Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is similar to the game of human chess. I told her Brazilian Jiu Jitsu was akin to facing death.

I explained to her that by being submitted in a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu match, it is the equivalent of dying. You’re either choked out, or risk suffering a major limb broken which will lead you to a huge disability continuing the fight. I then went on about how Brazilian Jiu Jitsu teaches everyone to be humble because getting into a physical altercation in reality always pans out differently from the movies.

Guess what? She loved it. She just stared at me like my ex girlfriend did, mesmerised at how I went on passionately about something I cared about.

Complete different people, and completely different stories. Nonetheless, the same universal emotions.

The facts often get shifted around, however, the feelings are always same.

Jan 12

Dating an Entrepreneur – Date Poor Marry Rich?

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Something struck me when a friend recommended that we went to an above-average priced restaurant. I declined in mind about the price of the food. As a budding entrepreneur, I lived most of my twenties trying not to spend too much on expensive restaurants as I kept my expenses low in order to start and grow a business.

For the men and women reading this, the following is an accurate depiction of reality when you are dating an entrepreneur who doesn’t inherit family wealth and is attempting to start a business in his twenties. He/ she is probably going to come from a middle class background and scrounged up some money through the years to afford rent, labour, software and minimal start up costs.

This got me thinking about relationships and the asymmetry of dating an entrepreneur.

The Asymmetry of Dating an Entrepreneur

For the most part, I never thought like a CEO or a capital allocator. In my former years, I spent my majority consulting, business income away on flight tickets, restaurants, bars, clubs, cafes and convenience. Yes, I did reinvest in my own education and in my own company, but I didn’t do it at the rate that could lead to an exponential growth of capital.

I lacked focus.

I realized the importance of capital preservation and how a small self-funded company should reinvest its earnings into growth.

Technically, if I ate out at a high-end restaurant for $30 a meal, I am giving up four days of chilling out a cafe ($7 per coffee) so I can enjoy the ambience working without needing to rent an office.

Sometimes, my mother sways and she invests small amounts of capital in Ponzi forex or cryptocurrency trading schemes. I used to berate her for it: ‘do you know how many hours of my staff I can purchase with that amount?’ It’s about time I took my own advice.

This is why if you’re looking to date an entrepreneur, especially if he/ she is self-funded, it’s difficult.

Now, I’m not saying I am not awash-ed with cash and I’m swimming naked. I’m also not all work and no play. I dropped more than a couple of grand on a Europe solo  backpacking trip and many solo flight tickets in my twenties. I also dropped a lot more than a couple of grand on self-education.

However, I’m saying: let’s be prudent, delay gratification and think of long term end outcomes.

How to Date an Entrepreneur: Cars, Cafes and Condos

Not all money spent isn’t well spent. For example, I am a convenience freak. I outsourced all of my lunches for months at a go and paid premium per meal. I also once hired a freelancer for 8 USD to download all my Facebook photos manually.

On the other hand, I didn’t purchase a car for years and am not intending to. However, I’m more than willing to spend on ride-hailing applications. They are worth it. I figured the cost of owning a second-hand car is 1.2k–1.3k per month inclusive of loans, tax, petrol and insurance.

I also kept my personal insurance premiums to a minimum and berated my parents for purchasing whole life insurance.

I also don’t invest any more than low-cost first dates or attempting to impress the opposite sex through monetary means. I’m against the idea of regularly going out to expensive restaurants, cafes and flaunting them on social media.

If given a choice, perfect dates would consist of walks in the parks, books, philosophical discussions and mind blowing sex. These activities are mostly low in cost, healthy activities and free. In some sense, I am an oddball. I realised this isn’t the case for most millennials in their twenties. For women reading this and still think it’s cool to date a bootstrapped self funded entrepreneur, I’d tell you to think twice.

How to Date an Entrepreneur: Asymmetry 

Let’s look at the short term and long term implications of dating a bootstrapped entrepreneur: for the opposite sex, if our relationship extends beyond a short term arrangement, it is something she has to make a value choice in time: “suffer” alongside with me and give up on signalling a perfect life on social media and reap the rewards years later OR… give it up.

I realized this also translated into my friendships. I can’t go cafe hopping or club hopping every other weekend. It’s much wiser to re-invest the earnings into the company.

Now, as I mentioned, it’s not that I am not awash-ed with cash or swimming naked. It’s just that I’d like to continue swimming with my head well above the water.

Once again this puts a self funded entrepreneur in his twenties in an asymmetric dilemma: attractive women are traditionally used to cash/monetary gifts/ favours from men.

Since I am neither rich nor willing to expend monetary favours. I can only rely on charm and wit. Hence demographically, I am only compatible with women who are financially independent after graduating from school and aren’t looking for a sugar daddy.

The average graduate (or non-graduate) who signs up for median employment in Western culture is bound to find herself with some form of stable disposable income. Her lifestyle choices might not match with an entrepreneur in his 20s or even arguably 30s.

The self-funded male entrepreneur in his 20s is only demographically compatible with prudent and wise women who not only meet his physical criteria but also are able to accept delayed gratification and book dates. (Read: I can assure you it’s a minority).

Let’s just say if every one of her peers got boyfriends as bankers, lawyers and doctors, she is going to feel the social pressure to keep up with the Jones.

In the long run, if a driven entrepreneurial male in his 20s stayed the course and find asymmetric financial success in his 30s, his demographic is now enlarged.

He has money. He has choices.

If he has not found a committed and suitable partner in his twenties who is willing to go through the delayed gratification for the bigger picture. Then let’s just say he is in an asymmetric position of power in the dating game.

Hence, dating an entrepreneur is asymmetric in nature. You get may get extreme pay offs in the long run on either side, or bail out in the short term. This is the reality of dating an entrepreneur.

Dec 22

How to Reject Someone When You’re Not Interested

By Ellen Orton | Self Improvement and Social Skills

It’s impossible to create and maintain relationships with everyone we cross paths with. True, being rejected is a bottom-tier feeling, but it doesn’t mean the other party is excited about it. So what happens when someone you’re not interested in starts making advances? How do you reject someone without causing a backlash?

How to Reject Someone When You’re Not Interested

Bring It Up

In most cases, ignoring the situation and your pursuer only tends to complicate and strain the existing relationship. That is because your admirer believes you are yet to notice them or their advances, or you are just shy to reciprocate. Dragging on will only make it worse for them, and there is really no need to torture them with ambiguity. Bring it to an end as early as you can, especially if it’s a friend.

Preserve their Dignity

The goal is to let them down easy, not to tear their heart out or humiliate them. If you’re looking for how to reject someone nicely, it means that they are not bad or shameful people to associate with. If anything, their qualities are what make this tough. 

Even if you once met a boring person, you should not further limit yourself in communicating with others, look through dating sites and risk going on a date. 

Assume Responsibility

This might seem tasking and unnecessary, but when planning on how to politely reject someone, it is only fair you relieve them of any fault. To reject someone is a brutal task, so it would be kind to take fault. If possible, suggest that you share mutual attraction; it’s just that you want to protect their interest and feelings. You just seem to notice the flaws from your standing point should your relationship develop further.

The Friend Zone

Social media has somehow managed to turn friendship into the ugliest bonds, especially when one party harbours deeper feelings for the other. However, offering your friendship means you did not reject them as a whole, and you would like them to be in our life.

Some people make better friends as opposed to lovers, and friendship is not a consolation prize.

Using Cues and Hints

In most cases, not everyone can hold such a conversation or have the guts to be straight up about their lack of interest. So what happens now? If you’re looking for how to nicely reject someone without being upfront, then you should try sending cues instead. There are several things you could do to get your message across. Here are a few tips on how to politely reject someone.

Tips on How to Politely Reject Someone

  • Say You’re Seeing Someone Else

Even though lying about your relationship status is ill-advised, sometimes it is the only way to go. This is especially helpful if your pursuer is insistent on their advances. Telling them you’re already in a committed relationship makes it less awkward and personal. If you’re the witty kind, it won’t hurt to look up funny ways to reject someone, but be careful with your delivery.

  • Suggest Hanging Out in Groups

Inviting other friends to hang out with you means that you are not interested in them that way, and you had not considered going out with them in the first place. If anything, friends act as buffers to prevent awkward situations and topics.

  • Say You Have Plans

Now, you can’t use this card more than twice, but it can really save the situation. Someone who likes you will want to spend time with you, so choosing your plans over them gets the message across. The goal is how to reject someone nicely, so please don’t go posting about how bored and lonely you are.

  • Ask to Introduce Them to Someone Else

It’s only fair you learn how to reject someone over text, especially if you don’t meet often. Thanks to texting, it is less awkward rejecting someone, and you can always change the topic.

You can ask to set up your pursuer with a friend. This will prevent them from being hung up, and it also helps to shift the attention away from you. Of course, you want to ask the said friend first to avoid them being rejected twice.

  • Steer Away from Jokes and Sarcasm

The point is to avoid being a jerk, so be very careful with your choice of words. Even when working on how to reject someone funny, be careful about the jokes or quotes you use. They might seem funny or witty to you, while your pursuer might feel insulted.

If you’re trying to keep light on rejecting someone nicely via text, keep your sarcasm in check. It will help from further complicating the situation. Naturally, when someone is being rejected, their response will not be reacting to humor.

  • Be Careful With Your Lies

Naturally, a poker face will complement your lies perfectly, but that doesn’t mean you have to lie about everything. Keep it minimum – it is easier to sell a smaller lie. You can be blunt with your lies as well, especially if your pursuer is insistent. You can use your religion/culture card to get out of most situations. Some lies might be petty, but they will get the message across.

Don’t Leave Room for Uncertainty

Lastly, you will want to ensure that you leave no wiggle room in the situation. Establish your boundaries. Some people make advances because they misinterpret your actions and behavior, meaning you might be sending out mixed messages.  Rejecting someone is not a pleasant activity, and some will want to put it off as long as they can. Be sure that this will make it any easier for the people involved, so be done with it as soon as possible.

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