Jan 14

What Are Personal Values? – Develop Integrity and Purpose

By Marcus Neo | Self Improvement and Social Skills

What are personal values and why are they important in dating, relationships or just life at large? When I was 19 or so, a friend of mine came to me complaining that she was being emotionally bullied by a close friend of mine. I softly persuaded him to stop it, despite him being a close friend of mine. I didn’t like bullies, for I was in a somewhat similar position once.

You could argue that by me standing up to my friend, I was acting out of my values. I stood up for my values regardless of external circumstances, whether he’s my good friend or not. I behaved according to my values and persuaded him otherwise, risking a potential loss of friendship with him.

So, What Are Values?

Values can be said to be internal compasses. They are the judgment about how important something is to us. There are principles that are held internally regardless of external circumstances. Sometimes, they are principles and judgments that you may even sacrifice and die for. They can comprise of intangibles such as authenticity, accountability, empathy and respect.

Why are Values Important?

In modern society, you may find yourself in a constant struggle to stick to your values as opposed to sacrifice them for an extrinsic result.

For example, authenticity and expressing yourself honestly is a value in itself. Honesty, however, sometimes is uncomfortable, especially when expressed negatively to friends or superiors. Your honesty may not be appreciated. It may involve telling your boss something that he might disagree with but might be better for the company. This may put you at risk of offending him (or losing your job). This can be difficult at times, especially so in the Asian culture.

In your relationships, what if your date you’re interested in treats you badly? What if he or she’s a no show for three dates straight and cancels on you last minute every single time? Are you going stick up for yourself and perhaps call them out? Or are you going smile, and pretend nothing happened?

Can you uphold the value of self-respect? Perhaps through calling her out for her negative behaviour, risk upsetting her and losing the potential benefit of dating someone you’re interested in?

What if your friends are always showing up late and disrespectful of your time? What if you valued your time, and made efforts to be on time for meetups? Do you hold back calling the person out to avoid the possibility of not offending him or her?

Values are researched to higher self-esteem, in the long run, makes you more attractive to women, increase work creativity, and make you a happier person. Positive values are also usually ensued by strong boundaries.

In short, they’re awesome.

Ironically, it’s people that do not have any values going for them that are unattractive and mediocre. They don’t stand for anything. They are people pleasers. Their craving for attention, affection from the world around them at the cost of their personal integrity and values. They’ll never build a strong identity. Counter-intuitively, it’s this constant need for a false sense of acceptance is what repels people away.

In our relationships, it’s the sacrifice of their own personal values that drive needy and unattractive behaviour.

So Marcus, without sounding like your high school counsellor, how can you instil this thing called values in your life then?

Ironing Out Your Values

Ironing out your values can be simple as taking out a piece of paper and writing down what you will and will not accept in your life. This can range from business decisions, relationship values to all other areas of your life. The second step is to commit and be disciplined about it. Note, no one is perfect and it’s OKAY to falter and be flexible. However, just like habits, you just go back to work on it.

  • Your Dating and Relationship Values

So, a couple of years ago, when I started learning how to attract women. The first step was to iron out my dating and relationship values. This means what I will, and will not accept from women, or people in general. This not only helped my self-esteem, but it also made my dating choices much easier.

In my own life today, and in my client’s life as a dating coach for men. You can start with a couple of simple values.

I stopped texting girls who didn’t want to text me back, I stopped worrying about girls who didn’t want to go out on dates with me. Yeah, I get rejected, however, it saved me the heartache, the smokes and games that people play. I decided I’ll not hang out with people who don’t want to hang out with me. I’ll not date a girl who doesn’t want to date me. I’ll not text a girl who doesn’t want to text me. I’ll express interest to women only that I’m interested in.

These values played an important role when on a date. Instead of constantly worrying if I match up to her, I’m going to see if there’s a right fit of values. I’m not looking to impress her.

If you’re wondering what I value in women, physical beauty (I can’t lie), empathy, intellectual curiosity, honesty, nurturance and accountability. From personal experience, I’m a lot more motivated, willing to sacrifice a lot more time and effort and to pursue a girl who’s more physically aesthetic If she’s hot but has selfie problem, sure, I’ll be more tolerant of it. If she’s hot but is slightly emotionally erratic, sure, I’ll be patient. I’m willing to give up many superficial nuances that tick me off.

However, I’m not willing to give up my personal boundaries just to pursue someone who is physically attractive. There are values that are non-negotiable. If she constantly disrespects me or is rude, I am going to call her out on it. If she doesn’t alter her behaviour, then I’ll simply drop her.

Note, I hold these values true for all other relationships as well. I also can’t be bothered by people who don’t respect my time or money. If you don’t respect my time or money, there isn’t a friendship in place anymore in the first place.

Business Values

I once worked for a traditional company in Singapore. Whilst the potential monetary prospects were good, I hated it. Why so? That’s because the way the business was conducted went against my values of providing a competitive and ethical service to society.

The business deals were done over drinks, karaoke pubs and mind games with everyone. Everyone was attempting to look rich, attempting to blow smoke up each other asses, instead of actually discussing rational business.

It forced me to iron out my business values. Through the years I decided that I’ll only make an income through ethical products or service to consumers that don’t hurt society. The systems and products have to work without any overt form of bootlicking. I’m not going to work with or for anyone who uses his network or relationships as a ‘stronghold’. I don’t give two fucks if you tell me your father is a billionaire. I don’t want to rely on ‘Guan Xi’ to do business.

Ironing out these values made a lot of business choices down the road much simpler.  Out went the scammy products that prey on delusional or people that are in a bad spot in life, out went the nights of drinking just for the sake of clinching a deal. Since I had these values in place, it freed me up to learn how to do marketing ethically, branding and ethical business practices.

Helpful and UnHelpful Values 

It’s said if you pursue negative values such as popularity and fame, it’s ‘negative’. However, I don’t entirely see it this way and I think negative values can be a good motivator for positive values. I didn’t desire to be with hot women, I’ll not have undertaken this self-improvement process. If not for the desire to be financially free, I’ll not have attempted to be an entrepreneur. This blog wouldn’t exist. I also think everyone is motivated by different intrinsic and extrinsic motivators at a certain point of time.

Negative values are superstitious, immediately controllable and socially destructive. If you value popularity or fame, and how much you’re liked or accepted by everyone that’s not immediately controllable. That’s because you can’t control how people think of you.

If you measured yourself and valued a million dollars in a bank, that’s an external value that isn’t controllable. It’s merely going to drive you crazy daily. Negative values are reliant on an external event such as flying in a private jet, getting threesomes or travelling the world in pursuit of a hedonistic lifestyle (guilty).

Arguably, negative values can be good motivators initially. You didn’t get into self-development if you didn’t want to fuck more girls, make more money and look really awesome amongst your friends right? Negative values can give you a good start, however, for long term happiness, you’ll need to prioritize internal values in the long run.

Positive values are reality-based, immediately controllable, self-generated and are socially constructive. Positive values such as innovation, honesty and vulnerability are immediately controllable and can be self-generated right this moment.

For example, instead of valuing popularity or how much I’m liked by people, I can make an internal value of improving my dating/ social life. That way, just by going out to a bar to meet more women is a win for me, regardless of their reaction to me.

Positive values are always internally achieved and there’s no completion to them. They are also process oriented. Honesty and vulnerability are internal values that can be practised right now and in every social interaction for the rest of your life.

How to Establish Your Values Without Being an Asshole?

So the one thing about values that people get confused is that you got to be somewhat of an asshole when expressing your values.

Having strong values doesn’t mean that you go around calling others out on their ‘poor values’ or ‘lack of values’. It just means recognising that you have different values than them and sometimes it’s just a lack of compatibility. The first step to establish your values is to express it in a matured manner. If the girl you’re dating shows up late, you don’t have to scream at her for showing up late. Just making it known and calling her out on it is enough.

You can always say: “Hey, I hope you won’t be this late the next time we meet.”

In a respectful and assertive manner.

I also want to note that your values should be flexible and based on context. If you have an amazing friendship with someone who’s always fucking late who has many other merits, then it’s perfectly fine to just accept that flaw in that person.

What Happens When You Change Your Values?

When you change your values, it’s normal for your old relationships to blow up in your face. This can be demonstrated by calling out certain behaviours from old friends and possibly ticking them off the wrong way. In my own personal growth, I started valuing my time and I started being serious about my business and my work. If you cancel on me without letting me know, I’m sorry, that’s non-negotiable. I’m calling you out.

The friendships you made through your life probably supported and confirmed the values of yours. However, when you begin to shift your values, you’re going to inevitably experience a lot of friction amongst those old relationships.

In my experience, long term relationships and friendships are the hardest. You may find yourself in a place where your closest relationships no longer understand you anymore. However, do these friendships have to have to go? I don’t think necessarily so. There’s no need to cut out a person because of a difference in values, that’s because, despite a difference in values, there may be overlap in values.

However, if you are constantly bickering over petty behaviours. That merely goes to show that you have different fundamental life values and have completely different priorities completely, then perhaps some time off that particular relationship might not be a completely negative thing.

In my experience, I found out the hard way that people around you are going to have different values from you do at the different point of their lives in multiple areas of their life from relationships to careers.

This is true of your relationship with to your parents, your childhood best friends, your boss, your pet goldfish, and your colleagues. You may have a childhood friend that has conflicting values at some point of his or her life and a loss of friendship is inevitable.

It’s values that ultimately bring people together and tear people apart. You’re going to be what you value. Choose your values wisely.

Works Cited

J, Z., S, S., J, C., & Z, Z. (2009). Social networks, personal values, and creativity: Evidence for curvilinear and interaction effects. Journal of Applied Psychology, 94(4), 1544-1552.

W, M. M. (2007). Happiness and Virtue in Positive Psychology. Journal for the Theory of Social Behaviour, 89-103.

 

 

How to Set Boundaries in Dating and Relationships 01
Jan 11

How to Set Healthy Dating and Relationship Boundaries

By Marcus Neo | Relationships

You can argue that the majority of dating and relationship problems are a boundary issue in one way or another. Years ago, I was enrapt in a relationship that felt great at times and just dirt poor other times. It was like a rollercoaster ride. It was only years later after knowing the concept of boundaries, that I realized that my ex-girlfriend and I had piss poor boundaries in our relationship.

So other than sparring yourself from rollercoaster relationships, why are boundaries important?

Firstly, strong boundaries are the cornerstone of attractive behaviour. Secondly, they create emotional health and are created by people with emotional health. They lead to emotional stability and healthy self-esteem. They are also something you can work on right away.

Okay, before you get into deeper details, let’s take a look if you have a boundary issue.

You May Have a Boundary Issue if You:

  • Constantly feel like people take advantage of you or use your emotions for their own gain?
  • Feel like you’re constantly having to “save” people close to you and fix their problems all the time?
  • Find yourself sucked into pointless fighting or debating regularly
  • Find yourself far more invested or attracted to a person than you should be for how long you’ve known them
  • In your relationships, you feel like things are always either amazing or horrible with no in-between. Or perhaps you even go through the break-up/reunion pattern every few months?
  • You tell people how much you hate drama but seem to always be stuck in the middle of it
  • You spend a lot of time defending yourself for things you believe aren’t your fault?

If you answered “yes” to even a few of the above, then you probably set and maintain poor boundaries in your relationships. If you answered a resounding “yes” to most or all of the items above, you not only have a major boundary problem in your relationships but you also probably have some other personal problems going on in your life.

What are Relationship Boundaries?

There are many reasons why someone may lack boundaries. Psychologically speaking, people with a lack of boundaries may appear may be motivated by an unconscious need to ‘keep the peace’ because of the fear of getting hurt.

So, what are boundaries and how do they look like?

Healthy Boundaries:

  • NOT taking responsibility for OTHER people choices, actions and emotions
  • Taking FULL responsibility for YOUR own choices, actions and emotions

Healthy Boundaries from the outside:

  • NOT expecting others to be responsible for your choices, actions and emotions
  • Other people should be responsible for THEIR choices, actions and emotions and NOT responsible for YOUR emotions and choices.

Dating and Relationship Boundaries

Examples of Poor Boundaries:

Since I’m Asian, I can use a couple examples from the Asian culture, I’ll chime in a few examples.

“If you go out with your friends tonight and not keep me accompany, I’m not going to give you allowance next month.”

“If you don’t study the subjects as I want you to, I’m not going to pay for it.”

“If you don’t do as I say, you’re not being filial to the family. Hence, you’re not a good child.”

This is an example of a parent’s expectation for his or her child to take responsibility for the parent’s choices and emotions.

In this scenario, the person is taking responsibility for actions or emotions that aren’t theirs or are expecting someone to take responsibility for their actions or emotions. When you set boundaries in your relationships, it can be as simple as saying no to someone and letting the chips fall where they may.

You’re NOT responsible for someone’s else emotions.

Flip that around, it’s also the willingness to take a no from someone else. That’s because if you feel crappy about hearing a no, you’re are responsibility for your own mood and not expect or blame anyone else for your emotions and choices. Ultimately, having strong boundaries does not mean that you don’t want your partners or friends to be happy. It just means that you can’t decide if your partners or friends are happy or choose to behave in a certain way.

The Breaker and Fixer Pathology

People with poor boundaries typically come in two flavors:

  1. Those who take too much responsibility for the emotions and actions of others
  2. Those who expect others to take too much responsibility for their own emotions and actions.

They are called the breaker, and the fixer. Interestingly, these two types of people often end up in relationships together. My first relationship was like that, it felt like it was us against the world. However, in hindsight, it was soul-sucking and emotionally tiring. She and I had pathologies of both the victim and saver, oscillating between both roles at different points of time.

  • The Saver

If you are someone who tends to feel a need to make their partners happy all the time, you may be playing the role of the saver in the relationship. You have a boundary issue. This is because, at the core of it, you’re attempting to decide/ control how your partner acts and feel.

The saver doesn’t save the victim because they actually care about the problem, but because they believe if they fix the problem they will feel loved.

  • The Victim

The victim creates problems not because there are real problems, but because they believe it will cause them to feel loved. If you are that someone who is always creating problems, expecting others to take responsibility for your actions and emotions. You are playing the role of the victim.

The saver and victim commonly end up together in relationships and often lead to unstable roller coaster relationships. In such scenarios, the lack of boundaries leads to needy, co-dependent.

From an attachment theory perspective, victims tend to be anxious-attachment types, and savers tend to be avoidant-attachment types. They both push away secure-attachment types. They may also grow up with parents who had poor boundaries in their relationships that led to their model of a relationship that is based on poor boundaries.

You may ask, Marcus, isn’t it cold and cruel to not care about others and fix their problems?

You see, the saver or the victim don’t ACTUALLY care about each other or the relationship, they are behaving in these ways to meet their own need for self-esteem through other people’s problems. The victim needs to create problems to feel loved whilst the saver needs to fix problems to feel loved. There isn’t any real authenticity or genuine emotional connection with these relationships.

Their behaviors are based on their OWN needs to feel loved and not actual unconditional love itself.

If the victim really cares about the saver and the relationship, he or she would say, “Look, this is my problem, you don’t have to fix it for me.” That would be actually caring about the saver.

If the saver really cared for the victim, the saver would say, “Look, you’re blaming others for your own problems, you should be responsible for it yourself.” That would be actually loving the victim.

The hardest thing for a victim to do in the world is to hold themselves accountable for their feelings and their life as opposed to blaming others. They spent their whole life believing they must blame others in order to feel any intimacy or love.

For the saver, the hardest thing to do in the world is to stop fixing other people’s problems and trying to make them feel happy or satisfied. They may have spent their whole lives feeling valued and loved when they were fixing a problem for someone. Hence, letting go of this need is terrifying to them as well. If you see your relationships as economical transactions, only seeing others as beneficial or economical exchanges, not only it’s a form of poor boundaries, it’s also going to tear you apart emotionally eventually.

The Boundary Problem in Modern Culture

Now, I may take some criticism for this, but I’m going to say it anyway. In Asian culture, there’s a cultural belief that children are inherently SUPPOSED to be filial to their parents or grandparents. It’s a common cultural Asian cultural narrative to love, respect and obey your parents JUST because they are your biological parents, not based upon the fact if they are good parents or not.

This often expressed in the value of filial piety.

I had a friend to said that he would give in to demanding/unreasonable requests to his parents just because they are paying for his University fees. His parents are using monetary support as a bargaining tool to get their child to conform.

I’m may piss off some you reading here but listen to me.

That is an unhealthy and toxic relationship dynamic between him and his parents with a lack of boundaries. On one hand, his parents are using money as a means to control their child’s behaviour. Secondly, on his end, he is giving up his self-respect, his honest thoughts, and desires because he’s afraid of not getting the money from his parents.

If your parents only provide for you financially if you give in to their whims and demands. It’s a conditional relationship. The underlying meaning of the relationship would mean: I only love you if you listen to me. I will only provide for you if you listen to me.

Firstly, these are a poor form of boundaries. Secondly, there isn’t any genuine support or affection in their relationship.

From personal experience in the Singaporean culture, there are many that have this perception that if their parents provide for them financially, it’s a MUST to give in to their parents, against their genuine thoughts, desires and beliefs.

Some of the people reading this might say: Marcus, you’re such an INGRATE for speaking out against the age-old values of filial piety. You’re Asian yourself and you SHOULD be filial to your parents.

Okay, shut up.

I AM filial to my parents. However, I act on it as a gift, with no expectations of return, as opposed to an OBLIGATION. There’s a difference.

The act and value of filial piety should be something that’s given unconditionally, rather than demanded or assumed because of cultural or social reasons. 

If you’re forced to visit your grandparents every weekend and you secretly hate it. Then you’re not acting out of a genuine desire to see and care for your grandparents. You’re doing it because you don’t want to piss your Mum and Dad off.

As I argued, acts of affection are only genuine if they’re performed without expectations.

Is It Okay to Sacrifice?

You may ask then, Marcus, what about making sacrifices for people you love? What about going the extra mile for best friends? What if my girlfriend wants me to call her daily? What if my pet cat requires me to stroke his belly 20 times a day?

I SHOULD make that sacrifice right?

Firstly, sacrifices that are made out of obligation aren’t genuine sacrifices. They are actually your inability to say no.

True sacrifice only comes in the form of unconditionally, as a gift, with no expectations of return. One common behavior I noticed during my stint as a dating coach for men is that they compliment women in hopes of getting her attention. Needless to say, they didn’t get far.

Sacrifice is only true and genuine when you desire to do it out of no expectations, as a gift, and not because you should feel obligated to or fear the consequences of NOT doing it.

You can simply ask yourself this: If you stopped doing an X behavior, would it change anything about your relationship with Y? Read: I know, the algebra. I’m Asian, live with it.

  • If I stopped picking her up from her house or sending her home, will she still love me?
  • If I stopped agreeing with her on everything she says, will she still love me?
  • If I told my friend that he should be on time in the future, and being late isn’t cool at all, will we still be friends?

If your answer is NO, it wouldn’t change a damn thing in the relationship, if you stopped doing a certain behavior, then that’s a good sign.

If YES, then you probably have a boundary issue. You’re making a particular sacrifice or behaving in a certain way because you fear to lose the relationship.

How to Set Strong Boundaries

I started off a YES man. I’d say YES to events, business opportunities, introductions, trips and I was the guy that was flexible and easy to get along. Yes, that helped a lot. However, as I grow, I realized it’s so much better to say NO and truly evaluate how and who you spend your time and effort with.

These days, I’m always evaluating how I feel after spending time with someone. If I feel emotionally recharged, listened to or that I learned something from him or her, I’ll continue pursuing that relationship. If I feel disrespected, belittled or unjustly criticized then I’ll stop.

In my business career, I had instances where potential clients waste my time by getting me to draft out long thought out proposals for their digital marketing campaigns and I don’t hear back from them. No, no more. You need to be a good fit to work with me.

I had instances where girls waste my time and don’t show up for a date. That’s on me. That’s MY fault. I didn’t qualify her properly. If I had disqualified and said: ‘You and I are probably not going to get a long because you’re always late’, she’s going to either straighten up or not waste my time by not showing up.

These days, I hold by these standards throughout all my relationships, from friends, family, clients, business partners, and life choices. In that sense, I’m valuing my time and myself. Only by valuing your time and yourself, that you can get others to value you and your time.

Here are some of the lines you can use:

  • I prefer not to discuss them as these matters are private to me’
  • I never kiss and tell’
  • I already stated my opinion and I’m not going to argue with you further.’
  • ‘If you keep doing X behaviour, then I’m going to leave.’
  • ‘This is are my values, and I hope you can respect that.’

Closing Thoughts

Setting boundaries by cutting an acquaintance out or an ever unaccountable friend is easy. It’s as simple as cutting them out from your life or seeing them lesser. However, setting boundaries and maybe even cutting family and best friends out are a lot harder. You can dump your girlfriend, you can’t dump a bad family member. Family relationships are the hardest to deal with. Trust me, I’ve been there.

One time, I stopped driving a couple of my friends around. I realized that if I stopped driving them around, they wouldn’t bother hanging out with me. Tough truth to face, but that’s life. When I go out with a girl on a date and she says something offensive, I don’t just play nice and ignore, I call her out on it. That’s a form of my boundaries. I don’t accept rude or offensive behaviours in my life.

How to Set Boundaries in Dating and Relationships 03

Someone with strong boundaries isn’t afraid to say no. He or she isn’t afraid of a temper tantrum or getting into an argument. He or she also understands that he may hurt someone else’s feelings at times and ultimately can’t control how someone else feels.

He or she also understands that a genuine relationship isn’t made up of two people deciding on each other’s actions or emotions, but instead, an unconditional relationship is made up of two people supporting each other, without judgment or expectations.

How to Talk to Women
Jan 02

How to Talk to Anyone – Exact Lines You Can Use

By Marcus Neo | Self Improvement and Social Skills

You see your ideal partner sitting across the table of Starbuck having a quiet cup of coffee. He or she is dressed casually. They don’t look intimidating. They are attractive. They are also alone. The hundreds of possibilities run through your head. You want to try start a new conversation with them. However, you freeze and you don’t know what to say, much less how to say it. Or maybe you’re at a networking session are you see the hiring manager of your dream job at your dream company standing beside a booth. You’re thinking of what to say in a situation like this.

How many of us experienced similar situations like this? How do you talk to anyone even if you aren’t naturally “extroverted”?

Talking to anyone and starting conversations is a skillset that anyone can learn.

How to Talk to Anyone – Conversational Mindsets

Firstly, there are good conversational mindsets that can make or break any conversation.

This can be done by adopting conversational mindsets such as 1) using effective language, 2) learning the art of making statements, 3) creating endless conversation threads by actively listening and 5) understanding the mechanics of how to connect deeply with anyone.

Mindset 1: Lower The Bar For a Conversation

The first step to starting a conversation with a stranger and making sure you never run out of words is to lower the bar for conversation.

In my earlier days, I was notorious for being too witty or lost in abstract arguments in my head. It single handedly submarined a lot of social, romantic and business opportunities. Only relying on pure wit or intellect is actually a horrible way to start a conversation, or talk to anyone in general.

The need for serious or deep talk in the first couple of minutes is a narrative from movies you watch growing up where the actors and actresses often come up with witty lines and the ‘perfect moment’ to start talking to someone new. In reality, this is far from the truth. Starting a new conversation is always a little awkward at first, just keep it simple.

Mindset 2: Statements Versus Questions

Have you ever had someone who you just got to know ask you repetitive questions? I bet you have. It also felt irritating. Guess what, people feel the same way as well. Let’s not treat new conversations like an interview, shall we?

In general, statements offer more ‘social value’ and opportunity for the other party to get a conversation going.

Instead of going down the usual route of interviewing someone and asking questions… you can make statements. This way you’re giving your input and giving them a window to respond to that statement.

The trick here isn’t to just stick to statements. It is to mix in statements and questions. However, if you were just to stick to statements, most people will not know how to respond. From my experience, they’re just too used to people asking questions all the time  and haven’t built any social skills to share themselves.

Making statements is a better conversational habit as compared to asking questions and waiting for their reply. Of course, if you were to make both statements and ask questions and they won’t respond, it means that they are not ready to talk to someone new.

Don’t take it personally and move on.

If you’re sticking to questions, you don’t get to express your identity and you don’t really grease the wheels to hep them express themselves. The other party got to take part minimally in a conversation for the interaction to go well.

Mindset 3: Listening Actively 

One of the common pitfalls of learning how to talk to anyone is to only talk about yourself and only showing interest in the topics that you yourself are interested in.

One time, I went out with one of my girl friends. She had relationship woes. For three hours straight, she went on was how shit of their ex-boyfriend treated her. That spanned the whole of three damned hours. Whilst I’m perfectly cool with lending a listening ear, it just got downright exasperating and I felt like killing myself at the end of the session.

One a side note: if you want to feel better about yourself it’s better to step outside of yourself and empathise with someone else’s problems. Instead of having a self-defeating loop in your mind, merely focused on your own problems, your own trouble or your own pain. It helps, try it.

If you’re genuinely interested in the world of others, it will lead you to a lot more conversational opportunities than just sticking to your own topics.

Take a good listen to people around you. Everyone’s attempting to jam their point of view down everyone else’s throat. No one’s truly listening.

Conversational at the end of the day is a two-way thing. Yes, you get to share your story, once they are done listening to yours, do make a point to listen to their story. Part of being interesting is being genuinely interested remember?

How to Talk to Anyone

Mindset 4: Use Effective Language 

One way to be a great communicator is by using effective language. This means using the shortest number of words possible to in conversation to get your point across. You would rather have 5 minutes of awesome conversation as opposed to 15 minutes of beating around the bush. You will come off as more well spoken and charismatic.

This means removing ‘ahh’ ‘you know’ and ‘erhms’ and other filters when you’re conversing.

This doesn’t mean you speak like a robot either. You can use different tonality and pace to get more emotion across in your conversations. Writing and keeping a journal can help with this skillset.

When there’s nothing to say, don’t feel like a need that you have to say something. That’s part of being grounded in your social interactions. There’s no need to fill every silent gap with something to say. In psychology, it’s said that people who can’t help but ramble on to ‘keep the peace’ may be displaying a form of anxious attachment.

When in doubt, ask yourself, ask yourself, are you saying something because you’re afraid of the silence or the slight confrontation? If the answer is Yes, then it’s OKAY to keep to yourself. Remember, you don’t need permission to speak to anyone, or not speak to anyone.

How to Start a Conversation out of Nothing and Talk to Anyone

Skillset 1: Asking Innocuous Questions

I used to think that simple questions sounded stupid and it’s ‘impractical’ to ask someone on such questions. However, I realised innocuous questions are a mere social tool and conversational starter to get some social juices going when talking to strangers.

No one goes deep into their life story in the first few minutes of getting someone new, and no one expects a life story within the first few minutes either.

Some example of innocuous questions:

  • “What are you up to here?”
  • “How’s your day?”

You’ll be surprised how far these innocuous questions can help is starting a conversation with an interesting stranger.

Skillset 2: Making Simple Observations

Secondly, you can also start a conversation with a stranger by making simple observations. You can get creative with this. It can be something in the current environment you’re in, it can be the nicely tailored suit that he’s wearing, or the cute blue toenails she has spent hours on. It can be the weather. It can be the fake tan she has on. (I’m kidding)

  • “Wow, the weather’s pretty hot today.”
  • ‘Those are nice blue toenails you have on, they are really cute.’

Just like asking innocuous questions, think of it as a conversational starter. Once you get small talks like that going, you can follow these observations up with a question, or a cold read.

Skillset 3: The Art of Cold Reading

Cold reading is the art of making an intelligent guess about something about someone. It doesn’t matter if you’re wrong or right. The point of it is to get the conversation going. It’s one of the most effective and a bread and butter of conversational tools that you should include in your daily life if you’re looking to improve your social and conversational skills.

Cold reading is done by making harmless neutral assumptions with the people you are talking with.

Examples of Cold Reading:

  • “Hi, you seem to be a really artsy person. Did you take an arts subject in school?”
  • “You look like you’re a school teacher, you must be a pretty bad one, all the kids must hate you”

The thing about cold reading and guessing is that you never go wrong with it. If you get it wrong, he or she will correct you, and perhaps add onto it. If you’re spot on, they’ll likely to think that you’re quite perceptive and may engage with you in conversation because of that. Just last week I got most of my cold reads right by chance by guessing a girl was half Japanese and was studying at the University of London. She reacted positively and was curious how did I know so much. I followed up by teasing that I stalk her daily on Facebook and Instagram.

Through cold reading, you can keep conversational threads flowing and then relate these threads back to your own life with your own experiences.

I’ve personally used this conversational tool thousands of times to spark new conversations or in the middle of dying conversations threads. It works every time.

 

Cold reading is a skillset that you can use to make statements. Even simple ones that include making observations about the environment or something that catches your eye. It’s possible to turn every question into a statement. For example, instead of asking what someone does for a job, why not make a statement that they looks like they work in creative line or looks like a teacher and etc.

If you get it wrong, they’ll correct you. If you get it right, they’ll be quite surprised at how intuitive you are. There are no loses to making cold reads.

You can also make statements about your day to day life. Instead of worrying what to ask next, you can just go off randomly on your day or events that interest you: ‘I hate my boss, he just made me do two times the work today’.

It’s better to be random and interesting than to be predictable. However, don’t be too random, as it won’t work in an Asian setting.

Statements done right can inspire someone to find out more about yourself. It can inspire someone to ask more questions about you. This way, it’s a two sided conversation.

Caveat: I’d like to add that questions are alright in an Asian setting, most Asian aren’t really equipped with the social skills to lead the interaction, you’ll be required to do a little bit of babysitting by mixing questions with statements.

How to Keep a Conversation Going with Anyone

Now that you have started a conversation, so how do you keep a conversation going with anyone and how to never run out of words? In new social interactions, you have to assume to the burden of taking the lead, to start, to continue and to lead in the conversation. Instead of ending your conversations with one-word answers: Yes or No, try to end it with stories, statements and specifics.

  • The Art of Improvisation

There’s a misconception that people pay attention to words and phrases. However, it’s the meaning of the conversation that people are more interested in. If you just pay attention to to phrases and words, it may result in an unnatural conversation. It’ll seem as if you’re trying to keep this conversation going and you’re afraid of silences.

The secret to creating endless conversational topics is to get good at improvisation. You can only get better with this skill by learning from stand up comedians. I started off studying George Carlin and Louis CK, however, their style of comedy can be quite dark and self depreciating. That’s not really good for most situations. One of the good comedians to check out is Russell Brand and Russell Peters.

The best way to get good at this is to gain an appreciation of language.

How to Talk to Girls - Start a Conversation and Connection 03

The Art of Story Telling: How to Tell a Story

Can you come off as charismatic when talking to anyone? Starting conversations is an important skill. However, learning how to continue them in a dynamic manner is also equally important.

Ever know someone who went on and on and on… you can’t help but quietly look away hoping he gets the signal that he’s being too too long-winded? Or maybe you know someone who awkwardly attempts to fit in a joke in his conversations?

Human beings, by nature, are enrapt by stories. People in power, businessmen, priests (erhem), comedians, and politicians all use the art of storytelling to explain, persuade and influence others to their way of thinking.

In the dating advice for men community, memorising stories and routines are popular methods. Whilst this might work in the short run, there’s going to come a point of time where you’re going to run out of words. Hence, I advocate understanding the principles of what makes a dynamic conversation and apply them using your own life stories and experiences.

Learning how to tell a story in a structured, and interesting manner will make you a good conversationalist.

Every great story has a rough three-step process that anyone can use.

  • The Set Up

The set up gives context to the conflict of the story. It’s the general setting, such as the location and brief details of the story. The set up should be as short as possible. But it’s necessary to give the initial context and foundation for the follow-up of the complete story.

If you don’t set up your stories, you’ll come off to others as random in your conversations.

One simple one lined example of the “set up” would be this:

“I was attending my school orientation the other day. Whilst watching the orientation games, there was this girl that tripped and fell. I was an asshole about it and laughed a little.”

It’s descriptive and gives background to the story.

  • The Conflict

The conflict is the part where you introduce the majority of the story. This should be the part that causes tension and expectancy. The content of the story needs to be captivating and hook others into wanting to know what will happen next. If there isn’t much conflict in the content of your stories, you will get the feeling that you ramble on a lot and others are not paying attention to you.

To continue to story from the set up:

“One of the most attractive girls in the whole of the camp took me by surprise and gave me a smack on my arm. I actually froze up! I froze up and walked away like an idiot! I should have just said something out of my mouth or smacked her back. But I didn’t. I retardedly froze up and walked away.”

“However, I never really felt right, that’s because I didn’t want myself worth to be judged on how many girls date, or anything like that. I also felt I wasn’t experienced enough to coach guys that might be twice my age.”

  • The Resolution/ Punchline

The resolution and the punchline are where you insert ‘the moral of the story’, the ‘punchline’ and the ‘joke’ to end off the story, or just closure for a generic story. People who don’t conclude their stories properly will often get blank stares when they’re finished speaking, or people will ask them “Yeah, and…?”

To end off the story with a punchline:

“Lesson learned! Never ever stand beside an attractive woman during orientation games.” (Joke)

“Nonetheless, I’ve decided to give it a shot, as long as I do my research, and stick to my values, and business values, I’m sure it’ll turn out alright.”

These are all true stories by the way.

Learning how to tell stories in a dynamic and interesting manner is a conversational habit has helped me over the years with strangers, sales and persuading others in my business and dating life. Learning how to structure your conversations is going to be helpful for everything from sales presentations, networking events, casual conversations and other forms of social interactions. It can also make or break a romantic interaction when you’re expected to lead in conversation.

 

Jun 23

Date with Social Distancing using Online Apps in Singapore

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Covid 19 hits, Singapore went into lockdown… and you are single. Suddenly you find yourself at the mercy of online dating applications such as Tinder. I am currently residing in Singapore and due to the Covid 19 pandemic and the Singapore government policies, there is going to be huge difference in how dating and relationships dynamics are going forward for minimally the next 12 months.

How to Date with Social Distancing and Masks 

If you’re in Singapore, you’ll know the social distancing and masks are mandated by the law. (I do think it’s a little fascist, but oh well, what can we do). Let’s assume social distancing and masks are here to stay, because they are. You’re also not able to meet in social groups of five. Hence your probability of meeting another woman (or man) through social settings goes way down.

You’re not able to approach women in the day because of the covid 19 paranoia. Secondly, everyone’s wearing a mask. The pubs and clubs are closed. Hence, meeting a partner through those avenues are not available.

You may purchase a dating agency package and they may be able to set you up for 1:1 dates at a cost to you. That may work out. However, I’m not sure how that works in the long run, because I never used a dating agency before.

That leaves us with online dating and the forefront choice.

Tinder and Online Dating Shenanigans

Last month, I was finally co-erced by the pandemic to downloading all dating applications and tried my best at putting up a good presentation of myself online.

  • Tinder

The consensus around industry leaders agree that you’ll mostly only be able to get results from paying for the premium services on dating applications.  Last month, I tried out Tinder gold and Tinder boost.

You can get matches and conversations, however, you’re up for a ton of cat-fishing. There are a bunch of PRC China girls profile that are looking to scam you and take your money. I mean, some men can really be stupid when they are desperate. Some of my friend’s friends commented that they have been scammed before. For this reason, I hate Tinder. There’s too many of these Fan BingBing looking fake profiles.

Purchasing Tinder gold allows you for one Tinder boost. Yes, my matches increased after using the boost in the evening at strategic timing at 6pm. I got some Singaporean matches and a lot of Chinese matches.

Source: https://www.nielsen.com/us/en/insights/article/2016/got-a-minute-how-our-use-of-communication-apps-changes-by-the-hour/

Note: these results isn’t statistically significant because I only tested using one boost. However, I am guessing that most (high quality) Singaporean women aren’t on Tinder to find dates. This isn’t surprising. It’s stance I reinstated for years.

  • Coffee Meets Bagel

I also synchronised my online dating profiles across different platforms from Coffee Meets Bagel, Tinder and OkCupid. This is to get a somewhat statistical significance on the impact of certain variables of the profile from photos to words on the profile

Results: I managed one strong lead that went cold after 3-4 days on Coffee Meets Bagel.

I didn’t pay for their paid subscription. I am guessing that you can get higher quality leads from CMB. However, that’s yet to be confirmed as I haven’t used the paid subscription from there.

Note: I also hold true to a high quality threshold when it comes to online dating. If anything, I do not wish to date down when we’re forced to transition in unprecedented times. Simply speaking, I do not wish date lower quality women as compared to when I didn’t need to use online dating as a channel. I might be proven wrong in time though.

  • Okay Cupid

Okay Cupid makes a strong case by updating its app and user interface. I remembered using this app in my early twenties due to influence from another friend who was somewhat 100% reliant on, on online dating apps. He had no friends and hated approaching women.

He ended up dating a cute local University chick from that app and I was thoroughly surprised. I’ll be testing this app moving forward.

No surprises here, you need to pay to get matches.

  • Bumble and Paktor

I also downloaded Bumble and Paktor. Not surprisingly, they both also require paid subscriptions if you want to get anything out of it. Paktor also seems to be a lot more localised and require the opposite sex to put up skin in the game as well. This may very well be a quality filter. That means that people on it are going to be a lot more serious.

Finally, as of today, I don’t intend to splash a couple hundreds of dollars on online dating apps at a go in attempt to figure them out all at once. I’ll be testing out Okay Cupid, Tinder and Coffee Meets Bagel in the coming months.

You Still Need Social/ Dating Skills

Now, assuming you’re going to have an actual date as opposed to having a virtual texting/ messaging buddy. You’re still required to meet her in person and charm her.

Now that circuit breaker measures are lifted and you are allowed to go on dates (in groups of less of 5: pun intended). If you had invested in yourself before the circuit breaker and are competent with in person dating skills such as starting a conversation and flirting, then it’s a matter of switching the channel of lead generation

Personally, I am in the transition similarly. Online dating is not my forte. I am much stronger in in person interactions. However, one needs to adapt. If everyone’s going to be wearing masks and social distancing in the next 12 months, then you have no choice. Finding love and dates through online dating apps are the new normal.

 

May 17

The Push and Pull Technique and Method – Steal my Lines

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Pushing and pulling is an old and OG concept that arose from the old school pick up artist community. The idea of push and pulling simultaneously is to create interest and ambiguity that women find attractive. It can be expressed verbally or non-verbally. You can “push” by demonstrating more attention and interest. You can “pull” by disqualifying yourself as potential partner.

There are different degrees of push and pulling. You can do it verbally, non verbally or a combination of both. If you wish to use it effectively, then understanding when you need to push and when you can pull is going to contribute a lot to your success. If you do it right, you can even get women to push on you hard.

Pick Up Artist Theory: Push and Pulling

Yes, push and pulling is an effective framework for beginners to understand the dynamics of flirting. In theory, you push if she’s pulling, you pull when she’s pulling. You can also implement lines that ‘push and pull’ as a means of flirting. I used to think that you only need ‘passive attraction’ to get women to be attracted to you. However, I take a middle ground these days. By actively implementing push and pull lines/ methods, you can make things happen in your interactions.

In general, you should always be pushing and pulling simultaneously. You only push when you feel you’ve pulled too hard and you don’t want to lose the interaction. If you think of interactions on a power scale, pushing gives up power and pulling successfully gives you more power. If you’re only demonstrating interest outrightly, you’re telling her that she can have you at any time. This is why that, in general, you should be demonstrating intent whilst disqualifying yourself at the same time. This way, you’re ‘balancing the power scale’ as much as you can.

The Push Pull Method: Understanding Where You Stand in Her Eyes

The ‘power scale’ is a means of understanding where you exactly stand in any interaction with a woman. Is she interested and should continue to push and pull? Or are you pushing too hard and you need some investment from her end (and you need to pull). Or is she already interested and you can pull to generate even more investment to get her to chase?

  • If you haven’t gotten her attention or her interested, then you can try to ‘manufacture it’ by pushing and/ or pulling.
  • If she’s pulling, you can push by ‘giving up some of the power in the relationship’, by outrightly demonstrating affection or interest.
  • If you’re over reaching to a girl, she’s feeling suffocated, you can ‘pull’ to balance the dynamic of the relationship.
  • You can also pull when she’s pushing to attempt to generate more investment when she’s pushing.

Teasing a girl one of the most effective and easiest manner to demonstrate interest and flirt. In theory, just about any cheeky tease can be considered a push and pull. A tease is negative verbally. However, it’s a positive non verbally. Hence, it’s a ‘push pull’.

Think about it, you only tease your old friends. You tease them ‘negatively’, for example, for their childish or slobbish behaviour. However, you also do it as a means of affection. They are alright with it, everybody laughs and it leads to further bonding.

Examples of Push Pull Lines – Steal my Lines

There are lines you can use in text and/ or in person:

“You’re so adorably annoying”
“You look interesting” (ambiguity, what the hell is interesting? Is that good or bad? This implies a push pull)
“You were attractive until you said X”
“That’s a great looking dress, I’m not too sure about the shoes though”
“We totally should not be doing this” (done whilst escalating physically on her)
“You’re so hot, but thankfully I’m a moral rock ;)”
“We should totally grab coffee, provided you’re not a psychopath”
“I should totally take your number, provided you’re not a secret psychopath that’s going to text 27 messages past midnight”
“Aw, you are ridiculously adorable”

Pushes are generally any demonstration of interest and affection. Pulls are generally any demonstration of disinterest or the fact that you are willing to lose the interaction. You get the idea. There are positives and negatives in your actions and statements. You can also combine outright pushes or pulls when the right time calls for it.

How to Push Pull Physically

There are ways to push and pull whilst flirting physically. This is what pick up artists call ‘calibration’.

You can show direct interest with direct body language and attention (push) and then disqualify using negative body language (pull) and alter them to different degrees depending on where you are at in the interaction.

You can push pull by escalating physically but disqualify verbally.  Saying “I should not being doing this” whilst you’re making out with her is a push pull.

Taking her to your place and saying outrightly that you’re going to kick her off your bed, is a somewhat a push and a pull. You’re pushing for sex and simultaneously disqualifying. Groping her intimately and then saying you are “not suppose to be doing it” is a push pull. In this example, push pull can be used as a means to set the right frame for sex to ‘just happen’.

Using push and pull physically can be as simple as flirting with her physically (increasing the frequency of touches) and then suddenly dropping it (using negative body language), then escalating it and dropping it. Push pull ultimately can be used as a means to build sexual tension.

How to Get Good at Push and Pull Naturally

So, how can you push and pull in the moment without relying on memorising lines? To get good at pushing and pulling, you need to get good at the art of improvisation.

This means taking an interest in language and appreciating comedy. You can take up stand up comedy classes, watch comedians on Youtube or take up improv classes. There are improv tools on the internet where they generate random words and you’re forced to improvise off that.

I started off by taking joining improv classes and sooner or later push pull became natural to me. There’s also no need to go crazy on this. In the most fundamental manner, teasing a girl is the most basic push pull. You’re saying something negative but your intentions are positive.

Limitations

However, there are limitations. I used to over rely on wit and came off sarcastic in my interactions. You cannot rely on words alone. In the art of seduction. You need guts. Yes you can calibrate. (if you see her feeling uncomfortable with your advances, you reel back with a ‘pull’). However, there’s no technical replacement for taking genuine risk in your interaction. You can’t push and pull your way into kissing her. Kissing her is mostly a matter of just pulling the trigger.

Furthermore, just relying on push and pulling is a horrendous manner to build a genuine and deeper connection. You need to have other conversational skills outside of teasing and coming up with witty push pull lines. Furthermore, you and I are all here to have awesome relationships with women, it’s not about proving who’s more quick witted.

Push Pull

Conclusions

Understanding the push pull dynamic and how to implement the lines are only about 10% of the entire equation. These days, I only use them as a means as an end, as a means to spark attraction or generate and interest. I also don’t really pay attention to memorizing lines consciously because once you get good at improv, teasing and flirting comes naturally to you. However, nonetheless, it’s a good model of understanding where you stand in a relationship.

There are many other facets to generating grounded, lasting attraction such as being able to connect on a deeper level to attempting to better your life. You can’t replace and attractive identity with only push and pull lines.

May 16

Why Women Don’t Like Me? – 4 Practical Steps to Solve it

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Ever wondered why women don’t like you despite all the dating advice you tried? Maybe you even tried pick up lines or techniques and it all fell flat in your face.

Why Women Don’t Like Me – 4 Practical Steps to Solve it

Here’s some tough love, but you maybe using dating advice itself to avoid the real issues: your neediness, your ego and your fear of rejection.

1) Sort Out Your Core Issues

Some people derived their self worth through women. They try to fill a gaping hope within themselves through the pursuit of body count. The others try to do it through material success, academic success or whatever forms of success. I’m no different either.

It’s our lack of acceptance and willingness to deal with our core issues that leads us to a karmic loop chasing the next shiny object. You may spend years chasing tactics and strategies, without understanding the fundamentals. You’ll automatically pick out information that promises you that quick win, that magic bullet.

This is similar to attracting women using lines and routines without putting in the real work. If you’re working hard to avoid failure and rejection, you’re still doing it wrong. You may be approaching a hundred girls a day, however, you’re approaching them from a standpoint of lines and routines, you may just be working hard to avoid true failure and rejection.

You may read hundreds of dating advice blogs like this one, and you’re barely putting yourself out there to risk failure and rejection, you’re still doing it wrong.

It’s only when you accept where you’re at and that you’re going to face failure and rub against your insecurities in whatever you do is inevitable, that you’ll find yourself in a better position for progress.

2) Numbers Don’t Lie Measure Your Results and Let go of Your Ego

If you aren’t going out on dates or are still at 30 year old virgin, then your methods aren’t working period. It’s time to measure your results. You can’t be a successful business owner without a business that provides you with cashflow. You can’t be a successful blogger without website traffic.

This got to me after a couple of success: instead of seeing myself as some extremely attractive persona… I’m not, and am just like everybody: worried about the same things and looking for a form of connection. It’s also realising that no matter how many dates or experiences I’ve had over the years; It doesn’t mean that I don’t have the put in the leg work for the next girl I’m going out on a date with, or that I don’t have to be consciously work on my core issues or beliefs.

Self awareness is like an onion that you constantly peel the layers of, and it gets more painful whenever you get closer to the core. You form higher order habits to better handle these anxieties and insecurities, however, at the end of the day, you have to go back to the core and deal with them face on.

3) Finding Purpose Beyond Dating 

If you started out thinking: if I read this pick up artist material, I would now be able to sleep with hot girls and be happy.

Modern culture often gets us thinking that there’s a destination to get to, this result, that result, then this job, then that promotion and then one day, we’ll get ‘there’ and it’ll all be awesome. If we got the high paying job, we’ll finally be able to land the hot girl. If you get the Ferrari, finally people will respect us.

Great, you got that down, however, now you’re exposed to a different set of problems: long term relationships and connecting with your deeper values. Life is a process and there’s no completion. Our problems just get more complicated. 

In the Way of the Superior Man, David Deida suggest that your life purpose is connected to your masculinity: your non-neediness, and how dating success is merely side effect of an engaged life. You need to find something more important than your dating life in itself.

4) Decide to Win

How many of you project your lack self-worth onto the girls you talk to or date? How many of you walk into a Friday night date, a sales meeting or even wake up in the morning subtlety telling yourself that outcome you desire cannot be achieved? 

I know I have, along with hundreds of men every single day of their life. You’ve already lost the battle before it even started.

Here’s my point:

  • You don’t decide for her if she’ll actually like a guy like you
  • You don’t decide for her if she’ll actually kiss you/ go out with you or take your number

The majority of us start off believing that we’re only able to date a girl up to a certain calibre. Pay attention to cultural narratives that influenced you. Your beliefs on what you consciously/unconsciously believe you deserve. They may be formed through years of social feedback, your upbringing and environment.

Sometimes the hardest thing to recognise is that you are already good enough. If you go to the gym, take care of yourself, read nerdy self-improvement blogs like this… you’re already enough. It’s just that sometimes, we don’t give ourselves enough credit.

Have you ever wondered why assholes always ‘finish first’? That’s because these ‘assholes’ decided far ahead of time that they are going to win, despite the cost. They are hard closers. They are able and willing to piss off and step over others to get what they want. 

They are selfish in that sense. From an evolutionary standpoint, it’s advantageous to a woman to mate with someone who is willing to step over others to accumulate resources. (Read: Over generalizing here I know, but you get my point.)

Look, attracting women IS a selfish endeavour. Firstly, recognize that. Secondly, put yourself first and decide to win. I’m not saying that you need to be an asshole, I’m just saying that you need to make a clear decision to win.

 

May 15

The Madonna Whore Complex – Women Lovers and Haters

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Sigmund Freud noticed that men who grew up with strenuous relationships with their mother developed a complex toward women. Hence he formed the theory of the Madonna Whore Complex. Freud argued that the madonna whore complex is a split between the affectionate and sexual currents in the male desire.

While Sigmund Freud theories surrounding the Oedipus complex, penis and castration fears have been debunked by modern day psychology, modern day psychologists have found that modern implications of Madonna Whore dichotomy remains.

The Madonna Whore Complex

The Madonna Whore split may be caused when the victim is raised by a cold but overprotective mother. This lack of emotional nurturing results in a man courting someone with maternal qualities, hoping to fulfil a need for intimacy unmet in childhood.

His need to capture his mother’s attention and affection as a child is later projected onto the woman he chooses to pursue. He ends up looking a woman with similar psychological make up with his mother. Since it’s ‘immoral wrong’ to think of his mother in a sexual manner, he forms an inability to feel sexual arousal in a committed and loving relationship. This returns repressed feelings surrounding the earlier relationship with his mother, hence preventing sexual satisfaction with his current partner.

My personal belief is that men who struggle in their dating and relationships life have some degree of skewed beliefs and towards women. The women lovers have a problem feeling sexually attracted to women they love. The women haters have a problem feeling romantically attracted to women they sexually desire.

In either cases, they are researched to feel less satisfied in romantic relationships. The lover is out of touch with his objectification of women and the hater is out of touch with his need for affection.

This can play out in your dating life (as it did in mine), you feel a lot of emotional affection for your partner, however for some reason, you aren’t able to perform in bed. On the other hand, you’re able to feel sexually attracted for a one night stand (a girl that you never thought of dating in the long run).

The Madonna – The Woman Lovers

Men struggling with the complex hence categorized women as either saintly Madonnas or debased prostitutes. Hence, the term “Madonna-Whore”.

Let’s take a look at one end of the spectrum: the women lovers. The men that see women as Madonna put women on a pedestal.

The complex plays itself out in the paradox in which any woman a man sexual desires must be a slut or a whore, and any woman who loves him and adores him is considered pure and consequently, he fears intimacy and feels inferior around her.

The women lovers worship feminine love, romanticize self-sacrifice and suffering for the sake of it. They are usually people pleasing and supplicant. They are the ones that find themselves doing things for women over and over again although there’s no form of reciprocation. They put sex on a pedestal and find themselves in love with their best female friends. These are the men that find themselves doing favours for a girl who has not shown them any signs of affection. 

These men, on the end of women lovers, are out of touch with their objectification of women: their desire for sex.

This may affect men who have little or no experience in sexual relationships. They may find it difficult to accept that women are sexual beings, have sexual needs, enjoy and desire sex as much as men do.

These beliefs may hinder your social interactions with women, you may being afraid to be physically intimate with her, believing then women do not like to be touched. You may feel that she may be more sexually experienced than you, thus feeling inferior to her.

Thw Whore – Woman Haters

Psychologist Richard Tuch suggested that woman-haters become who they are because as a young boy, because he suffered frustration and narcissistic injury at the hands of his mother, in adulthood, the boy turned men seeks to avenge these mistreats through sadistic attacks on women who are ‘stand-ins’ for his own mother, hence forming a hatred for women.

These men are the ones that see women as ‘whores’. They see women as something to be researched and conquered. They see affection and love as something that’s worked for and struggled for. They perceive women to be fundamentally different from themselves. These are the men that go on angry rants about how women not knowing their social roles, that they ‘belong to the kitchen’, being dirty slutty for desiring sex and etc.

It’s also important to note that women haters don’t exactly hate women. Rather, they experience a love hate relationship with women. They may also perceive women as fundamentally different from them. They may also maintain dysfunctional and manipulative relationships as the women they end up attracting profiles that match them in bitterness and distrust.

These beliefs are commonly expressed in the pick up artist community. Woman haters tend to gravitate towards being players. They are often out of touch with their desire for love and affection.

The Madonna-Whore Complex Expressed in Modern Culture

Through my years of talking to men as friends and a dating coach. It’s not uncommon to hear men saying that they want to marry a ‘good girl’. 

She preferably has to be virgin, hasn’t dated a lot and is ‘pure’ and ‘innocent’. He, on the other hand, desires to date and have sexual experiences with as many other girls as possible, that he would never think of starting a romantic or committed relationship with them.

This is the conflicted desire of wanting to marry a ‘pure and innocent girl’ but then they couldn’t have sex with her, because that means she’s a dirty, down-ridden ‘whore’. However, when he wanted to have a sexual relationship with a woman, he’ll never date her, as sex signalled ‘her lack of morals’.

Love is only reserved for the ‘good’ girl, the girl you can bring home to Mum, the one who’s of ‘marriage material’. Sex, on the other hand, is reserved for the ‘bad’ girls.

This is commonly expressed as: “I want to have sex with many girls, but I ONLY want to marry the good one, that hasn’t had sex a lot.”

This suggests ‘good girls’ don’t desire sex as much as ‘bad girls’. Or ‘good girls’ are defined as good because they haven’t had multiple sexual experiences.

Not only this is a double standard, but this categorization of female sexuality leads you to properly appreciate your partner as an integrated person with different needs.

Your Beliefs: How Do You View Women? 

The Madonna-whore dichotomy can often be unconscious and subtle. It can be difficult to pin point if you’re a woman hater or lover, even if you’re struggling with women flipping to and fro between these two different beliefs, flipping back and forth depending on the situation, and depending on the girl.

Regardless, both belief systems are unhealthy fixations. The woman lover obsesses for love, the woman hater obsesses for sex. Both belief systems lead to manipulative and dysfunctional relationships. Both fail to see the opposite sex as equals. One sees them as superior, and the other as inferior.

For the woman lover/ hater, when confronted with a girl they sexually desire, they would view her as a trash-ridden whore, something use for their own pleasure and amusement. On the other hand, when confronted with women with good morals and or status, they put her on a pedestal, seeing her as something pure, perfect and of a higher order.

I’m not saying that this psychological theory is carved out in stone, however, the Madonna-Whore complex concept can be used as a model to better your beliefs around female sexuality.

Curious if you harbour some of these beliefs? You can ask yourself some questions:

  • What are your beliefs with women like?
  • Are you living out those double standards?
  • How do you feel and react if your partner earns more than you?
  • How do you feel about women desiring sex as much as men do?
  • Do your interactions with women involve the objectification of women?
  • Do your interactions with women lean towards feminine worship?
  • Has the relationship with your mother affected how you perceive dating and relationships with the opposite sex?
  • Did you grow up with a cold/ distant/ abusive mother?
  • How is your relationships like with female counterparts growing up?

These are difficult questions that can lead to difficult answers. However, be honest. These questions helped me become more introspective about my emotional maps and belief systems. It has also helped me become more objective my relationship with women.

Moving Forward

So, assuming you’re a pussy pedalling individual or secretly belief that all women only belong to the kitchen, how can you get better? The cure to the Madonna-whore dichotomy isn’t simple. The only way to resolve your anger or worship toward is to confronting your deep-seated beliefs. It involves being introspective about your beliefs towards women.

Firstly, it is to perceive our female counterparts as equals. This means not worshipping or objectifying female sexuality. Secondly, it is to do the therapeutic work required to resolve any misgivings or anger. This may stem from your childhood, this may not. Ultimately, women are not to be worshipped nor objectified. They are similar to that as men: with needs, desires, virtues and vices.

Works Cited

Hartmann, Uwe (2009). “Sigmund Freud and His Impact on Our Understanding of Male Sexual Dysfunction“. The Journal of Sexual Medicine6 (8): 2332–2339

Baraket, O. (2018). The Madonna-Whore Dichotomy: Men Who Perceive Women’s Nurturance and Sexuality as Mutually Exclusive Endorse Patriarchy and Show Lower Relationship SatisfactionSex Roles, 1-14.

Tuch, Richard (2010). “Murder on the Mind: Tyrannical Power and Other Points along the Perverse Spectrum“. The International Journal of Psychoanalysis 91 (1): 141-162.

 

May 15

What to Do on the First Date – Route to Passionate Sex

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Ever wondered what to do on the first date? How do you get to know her on a first date? How can you get her to get to know you on the first date? Can first dates lead to sex? First dates can be confusing. Some people opt for fanciful dinners, others say to keep it light.

You should treat all your dates like the first date. Your dates got to lead to somewhere. You need to be the leader on your dates in conversation, in location and emotion. How well she gets to know you is going to be dependent on your conversation skills and ability to connect with someone.

What to Do on the First Date: The Ultimate Guide

  • Fancy First Date Idea? No, Stick to Coffee 

In general, I only plan for low cost and investment first dates. This usually means coffee at Starbucks or a cafe. If you’re a creep, she’s free to excuse herself since it’s a public area. If she doesn’t turn out like who she is on her Tinder profile, your investment is a mere coffee. You’re both free to excuse yourselves.

  • Pick a Central Location

Psychological research also shows that people value things more when they get they invest personal time, money and effort.

On picking a location, there’s no need to get fancy with crazy first date ideas. You should choose a neutral location between your place and hers. This way, she’ll be investing time and effort to travel to meet you. I almost never drive to pick anyone up for a first date.

However, you’ll soon figure out that time and money aren’t actually powerful forms of investment at all. If you’re honest to yourself, you should invest your time and money in all the wrong places all the time. 

  • Time: Evenings

You should ideally plan dates for the evening to generate more expectation. Oh yeah, a date out with her friends is NOT a date. 

  • Set the Tone

The first date is the date that is going to set the tone of your relationship with her. If she’s attracted to you and you don’t act upon it, she’s going to lose that attraction. 

  • Create Opportunities for Physical Intimacy 

In general, try to create opportunity for physical intimacy on the first date. This means, forget movie and dinner dates. They are too un-interactive and don’t introduce any physical intimacy: in the movie theatre, you’re are sitting beside her, silent and facing forward. Not a good idea to get to know each other.

If you’re at a restaurant, depending on your smart you are with your sitting position, you might end up sitting across her and facing her like you’re going in for an interview. That’s not good. You want to try to flirt physical during the first date. The problem with fancy dinners dates is that they’re also costly. Not to mention it’s really boring to just sit across someone and converse for the next 2 hours.

Plan Out the Route to From First Date to Sex

You are not actually going spend 4-5 hours coffee getting to know someone. You’re going to have to plan for at least three low investment form of activities. Ideally, start your date at around 6pm. You want to be peaking together at around 10 pm or 11 pm. The key is to give her the “I need to go home, but I don’t want to yet” feeling.

Here’s a common first date plan I use:

  • Meet her midway for coffee at Starbucks
  • Do something casual: walk in the parks, walks by the beach, visiting the bookstore or get her to join you in one of your hobbies
  • Grab drinks at a bar near your place
  • Find an excuse for her to come to your place

These dates are not only low cost, they also allows you to introduce the element of physical intimacy as you’re both doing something together.

So how do you choose the right locations to take her out to? This really depends on her personality. The hippies will prefer cafes, stand up comedy and music events. The more adventurous and sporty ones are going to prefer the outdoors. The shopaholics will prefer, erhem, the shopping malls. If you’re in a shopping haven like Singapore, you can go window shopping. You can ask her for her opinion on men’s fashion.

It’s also a good opportunity to expand your identity and your interests. Interested in singing? Invite her to your weekly karaoke session. Interested in martial arts? Get her to sign up for a trial class at your gym.

It’s fun to walk, talk, poke fun at her when she says something cute (or retarded). When you’re walking beside each other, it’s easier to punctuate your conversations with physical touches.

Ideally, you should be trying to flirt with her physically right from the get go. You should be teasing her in your conversations and punctuating your sentences with slight touches. 

2020 Update: These days, I don’t really plan out anything special for first dates. If you are generating enough leads through cold approaching or online dating apps, then you want your first date to me more of a screening process. There are going to be first dates that don’t go to anywhere. Hence, there’s no need to come up with fanciful ideas. I like the idea of going to a cafe and then drinks. If you want to plan out more special dates, then make sure both of you really like each other and get a long. Then plan something out on the second or third date.

  • The Multiple Location Strategy

The classic strategy is to take her to different date places. Psychology shows that if you’re the only constant among all these changing places, she’ll feel that she ‘got to know you more’. However, you can’t be bouncing around aimlessly, you need to progress your date closer to yours. This requires you to be spontaneous and armed with knowledge about your surroundings and your city.

  • Dinner? Yes or No?

I’m not saying 100% no to dinner dates. The majority of my coffee dates end up with dinner. That’s after if both of you get along well with coffee. Contrary to popular belief, women do not like heavily planned romantic and expensive dinners for first dates. (Read: gold diggers are an exception.)

However, I’m saying a full on NO to romantic, expensive, high expectations kind of dinner dates: the ones where you roll up in your father’s Mercedes Benz to some fancy restaurant: the ones that you pretend to understand the menu.

Lastly, you want your dates to be efficient: not all dates are going to lead to sex. You’re not going to enjoy every single date and not every girl is going to be into you. If you’re really not into her or she’s not showing any interest in you, feel free to walk off and end the date right there and then. That’s a form of strong boundaries.

Ultimately, keep your first couple of dates economical, low investment and light hearted. This saves you money and alleviates the pressure from her. 

Who Pays on the First Date?

In my experience, I’ve been on first dates with women who were earning a much higher income than me. In Singapore, the guys generally start drawing an income later than girls as they’ve got 2 years of national service in the military. The girls start two years earlier than the guys. In general, most of the women I’ve been on dates with don’t mind going dutch. 

However, in Models, Mark Manson suggested that there’s an intrinsic sense of chivalry that women enjoy that makes them feel feminine when you pay for them. He argued that one of the primary psychological need in women is security: paying for them lends itself to that.

Here’s how I normally do it: I make it a team effort. I’ll often pay first and then tell her to buy something else in return later. There’s no need to be uptight and stingy if you’re earning an income. If you’re earning an income higher than her, it would make sense for you to pay for her. You can get her to make it a team activity and get her to pay for dessert or drinks after. The key is not to make the paying thing too awkward. 

How to Escalate Physically on the First Date

If you grew up in a traditional Asian culture, you’re probably told to be polite, to be nice and not to be pushy with women, let alone on first dates. Modern society is constructed in a way where women are perceived in a negative light if they made romantic advances. That’s because by demonstrating interest, she’ll be judged by society as a… ‘slut’. This is why a woman will never make a move for you, even if she wants to. 

It’s pointless to approach hundreds of girls, be extremely charismatic on the phone but being unable to make the close on the date. This is why it’s always on YOU to go for the close as early as the first date.

On your first date, there are going to be women that aren’t comfortable with physical intimacy, and there are going to be women that are. However, like I always say: try and ask forgiveness later.

If you meet her at a cafe or a coffeeshop, you should also choose a seat that plants you beside her, instead of in front of her. Either that, just stand up, and plant yourself beside her. It might seem awkward, however, I’ve done that it a couple of times and if she’s attracted, she won’t reject you. Remember, girls desire to be desired. Being physically intimate with her fast is going to differentiate your results from lots of dates to a lot of ex girlfriends.

If your first date goes well, you’ll want to take it more private. I recommend bars and cafes that are along beaches. Beach dates are great, they are great for more intimacy and privacy. You can simply say you know an awesome bar near yours, grab her hand and get into the cab. Remember, lead, lead and always lead. Choose a park that’s near yours. It can be playgrounds or small parks. It’s also a good excuse to get her nearer to your house.

How to Take Her Home on the First Date

If you’re not making out with her and holding hands with her towards the end of your first date, you’re highly like unable to get her back to yours.

This is highly dependent on how good you are at ‘game’, building a connection, teasing, building a frame, getting her to chase and etc.

If you are physically intimate with her by now, then good, now you need an excuse to get her to your place. There’s no need for any fancy excuse. I use to put girls in my car and drive to mine without saying anything. These days, I simply say: “let’s chill at mine.”

The point is to make sure you’re not making her feel like a slut. Take the pressure off her. I often tell her not to mess up my room. Telling her if she stays over she’s sleeping on the floor and you’re the one who’s sleeping on the bed. Stuff like that to take the pressure off her and makes her feel less of a slut.

When you’re finally back at yours, get her to feel comfortable. You can box her around with your boxing gloves and be keep it genuinely light-hearted and playful: I treat her like a little sister that you never had. Then, you can start slowly be physically intimate with her. If she resist your advances, take a step back and empathise.

When you start kissing and there’s a bedroom involved, the rest is usually history. In my experience, sex from first dates do happen. However, the majority of them are going to happen on the second to third time you meet her. It all depends on the comfort level on her end and her values on sex. If you’re not at final base by the third date, she’s either not looking for casual sex or she has completely different values from you.

May 14

How to Go Out Alone (For Men) – Develop Social Confidence

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

If you’re a little advanced in ‘the game’, you’ll find that going out solo can be more efficient and effective than going out with a group. If you have friends around you that won’t approach no matter what, you’re going to approach despite that. Or maybe all your friends are losers and don’t desire to change their social/ dating life and you’re left alone. So, how can you go out solo? ere are principles you can stick by.

How to Go Alone by Yourself and Develop Social Confidence

You must take responsibility fully for your surroundings Take leadership of your own actions and act despite the crowd or the group. I’m not saying screw your friends and have your own fun, however, I’m saying can always go out solo.

1) Understand the Basics

The basics works, all the time: dress well, have good body language and eye contact. This means not jumping around too much, not shifting your gaze away too much. Putting on a smile, dressing well, and putting on a chill vibe is going to helps a lot. 

  • Trust Yourself on a Gut Level

There’s really something to be said about trusting yourself on a gut level. The more you look externally to replicate attractive behaviors, the more you’ll find yourself off centered. Stop looking to others to replicate, trust yourself. Trusting yourself and going for the kiss, the hand hold, or the waist grab are risky behaviours. You’re putting yourself up for rejection. However, it displays true confidence. Girls can sense that kind of behavior.

I quote Models by Mark Manson:

“Until you learn to trust your own actions and learn to pursue women with your own unique style and personality, you have learned absolutely nothing.”

  • Always Be Leading

In a cold interaction, it’s always about leading. You’ll need to lead verbally, emotionally, physically and logistically in the club. There’s something about being congruent as well. If you’re approaching directly with intent, you have to back it up by being congruent. The general rule: in your interactions, always be leading. Women respond to leadership

If you’re looking to move forward a conversation to a venue, don’t ask. She’s not going to say yes because that makes them look like the decision maker. It’s better to say: let’s grab coffee, and lead by moving first.  She’s not going to do it for you. That’s because she can’t look like ‘a slut’ in front of her friends. You need to be the one ‘responsible’.

You can use light social touches (elbows and shoulders) as a means to flirt and then move on from there. If they are comfortable with your touches, then escalate and lead. If they’re comfortable with you talking and flirting then move on to the next step such as a change in venue or getting her contact number.

2) Be Really Good at Improv to Never Run out of Words

If you’re relying on routines and canned lines, you’re bound to run out of words.  I once planned everything, worried about everything and tried to do every right through ‘game’ in person, in text and went to the extent of analysing every single interaction. 

Needless to say I was too stifled in my interactions. It’s a misconstrued idea that social interactions can be completely objectified. Just like the social sciences, socializing isn’t a hard science.  Social interactions are like a cosmic clash. You’re an unknown entity to her, and vice versa. It’s going to be awkward for both of you, and it’s just natural. So expect some nervousness, some awkwardness and ride the waves.

If you’re too reliant on routines, you may also find yourself being the entertainer and the ‘monkey’ frame. Sometimes, I get into this whole ‘frat’ boy kind of schtick when approaching, just to get show that I’m friendly and confident and the same time.

It’s a schtick. Girls can kind of sniff that out whether you’re being authentic or you’re putting a front. Your approach can be as simple as: ‘Hi I’m Marcus, I thought you were cut and I wanted to say Hi’. This approach turns out alright for me most of the times.

3) Put Evolutionary Pressure On Yourself and Just F*cking Do It

  • Do Not Rely on Alcohol

There’s dating advice out there that absolutely against alcohol when going out to approach girls or socialize. However, if you’re using alcohol as a crutch to approach girls then that’s the problem. I have nothing against drinking and trying to meet girls, drinking is part and parcel of socialising. If you’re just using it as a social gel, such as getting a drink with a girl who’s super into you, then it’s fine.

  • Go No Fap

I noticed differences in the way I carry myself when I don’t masturbate before going out. I’ll be more motivated to approach girls and be more sexual with them. If you’re hitting the clubs at night, then don’t masturbate and preserve the energy for the night. If you really feel the urge to get one out, you can replace it that habit with exercise.

In the popular self-help book Think or Grow Rich, it’s stated that the most successful and powerful people in history go on sexual abstinences to preserved energy for work. Research and studies also back up that pornography can screw up your perception on sex as portrays an unrealistic picture of human sexuality.

If you can’t help but need to get one off, you should only be doing it after accomplishing everything you want to achieve in the day. 

Conclusion

Ultimately, you need to have a winners attitude. You need to be responsible for your own results and stop worrying about things you can’t control: other people’s actions and emotions.  You have to constantly remind yourself that you can only do a good job at your actions. You can’t do anything if a girl decides to slap you on the spot. You can’t do anything if you said something a joke that was funny to you but ended up pissing some stranger off. In spite of everything, pull the trigger. 

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