Jan 14

What Are Personal Values? – Develop Integrity and Purpose

By Marcus Neo | Self Improvement and Social Skills

What are personal values and why are they important in dating, relationships or just life at large? When I was 19 or so, a friend of mine came to me complaining that she was being emotionally bullied by a close friend of mine. I softly persuaded him to stop it, despite him being a close friend of mine. I didn’t like bullies, for I was in a somewhat similar position once.

You could argue that by me standing up to my friend, I was acting out of my values. I stood up for my values regardless of external circumstances, whether he’s my good friend or not. I behaved according to my values and persuaded him otherwise, risking a potential loss of friendship with him.

So, What Are Values?

Values can be said to be internal compasses. They are the judgment about how important something is to us. There are principles that are held internally regardless of external circumstances. Sometimes, they are principles and judgments that you may even sacrifice and die for. They can comprise of intangibles such as authenticity, accountability, empathy and respect.

Why are Values Important?

In modern society, you may find yourself in a constant struggle to stick to your values as opposed to sacrifice them for an extrinsic result.

For example, authenticity and expressing yourself honestly is a value in itself. Honesty, however, sometimes is uncomfortable, especially when expressed negatively to friends or superiors. Your honesty may not be appreciated. It may involve telling your boss something that he might disagree with but might be better for the company. This may put you at risk of offending him (or losing your job). This can be difficult at times, especially so in the Asian culture.

In your relationships, what if your date you’re interested in treats you badly? What if he or she’s a no show for three dates straight and cancels on you last minute every single time? Are you going stick up for yourself and perhaps call them out? Or are you going smile, and pretend nothing happened?

Can you uphold the value of self-respect? Perhaps through calling her out for her negative behaviour, risk upsetting her and losing the potential benefit of dating someone you’re interested in?

What if your friends are always showing up late and disrespectful of your time? What if you valued your time, and made efforts to be on time for meetups? Do you hold back calling the person out to avoid the possibility of not offending him or her?

Values are researched to higher self-esteem, in the long run, makes you more attractive to women, increase work creativity, and make you a happier person. Positive values are also usually ensued by strong boundaries.

In short, they’re awesome.

Ironically, it’s people that do not have any values going for them that are unattractive and mediocre. They don’t stand for anything. They are people pleasers. Their craving for attention, affection from the world around them at the cost of their personal integrity and values. They’ll never build a strong identity. Counter-intuitively, it’s this constant need for a false sense of acceptance is what repels people away.

In our relationships, it’s the sacrifice of their own personal values that drive needy and unattractive behaviour.

So Marcus, without sounding like your high school counsellor, how can you instil this thing called values in your life then?

Ironing Out Your Values

Ironing out your values can be simple as taking out a piece of paper and writing down what you will and will not accept in your life. This can range from business decisions, relationship values to all other areas of your life. The second step is to commit and be disciplined about it. Note, no one is perfect and it’s OKAY to falter and be flexible. However, just like habits, you just go back to work on it.

  • Your Dating and Relationship Values

So, a couple of years ago, when I started wanting to attract women. The first step was to iron out my dating and relationship values. This means what I will, and will not accept from women, or people in general. This not only helped my self-esteem, but it also made my dating choices much easier.

I stopped texting girls who didn’t want to text me back, I stopped worrying about girls who didn’t want to go out on dates with me. Yeah, I get rejected, however, it saved me the heartache, the smokes and games that people play.

I started out with a couple of simple values. I decided I’ll not hang out with people who don’t want to hang out with me. I’ll not date a girl who doesn’t want to date me. I’ll not text a girl who doesn’t want to text me. I’ll express interest to women only that I’m interested in.

These values played an important role when on a date. Instead of constantly worrying if I match up to her, I’m going to see if there’s a right fit of values. I’m not looking to impress her.

If you’re wondering what I value in women, physical beauty (I can’t lie), empathy, intellectual curiosity, honesty, nurturance and accountability. From personal experience, I’m a lot more motivated, willing to sacrifice a lot more time and effort and to pursue a girl who’s more physically aesthetic If she’s hot but has selfie problem, sure, I’ll be more tolerant of it. If she’s hot but is slightly emotionally erratic, sure, I’ll be patient. I’m willing to give up many superficial nuances that tick me off.

However, I’m not willing to give up my personal boundaries just to pursue someone who is physically attractive. There are values that are non-negotiable. If she constantly disrespects me or is rude, I am going to call her out on it. If she doesn’t alter her behaviour, then I’ll simply drop her.

Note, I hold these values true for all other relationships as well. I also can’t be bothered by people who don’t respect my time or money. If you don’t respect my time or money, there isn’t a friendship in place anymore in the first place.

Business Values

I once worked for a traditional company in Singapore. Whilst the potential monetary prospects were good, I hated it. Why so? That’s because the way the business was conducted went against my values of providing a competitive and ethical service to society.

The business deals were done over drinks, karaoke pubs and mind games with everyone. Everyone was attempting to look rich, attempting to blow smoke up each other asses, instead of actually discussing rational business.

It forced me to iron out my business values. Through the years I decided that I’ll only make an income through ethical products or service to consumers that don’t hurt society. The systems and products have to work without any overt form of bootlicking. I’m not going to work with or for anyone who uses his network or relationships as a ‘stronghold’. I don’t give two fucks if you tell me your father is a billionaire. I don’t want to rely on ‘Guan Xi’ to do business.

Ironing out these values made a lot of business choices down the road much simpler.  Out went the scammy products that prey on delusional or people that are in a bad spot in life, out went the nights of drinking just for the sake of clinching a deal. Since I had these values in place, it freed me up to learn how to do marketing ethically, branding and ethical business practices.

Helpful and UnHelpful Values 

It’s said if you pursue negative values such as popularity and fame, it’s ‘negative’. However, I don’t entirely see it this way and I think negative values can be a good motivator for positive values. I didn’t desire to be with hot women, I’ll not have undertaken this self-improvement process. If not for the desire to be financially free, I’ll not have attempted to be an entrepreneur. This blog wouldn’t exist. I also think everyone is motivated by different intrinsic and extrinsic motivators at a certain point of time.

Negative values are superstitious, immediately controllable and socially destructive. If you value popularity or fame, and how much you’re liked or accepted by everyone that’s not immediately controllable. That’s because you can’t control how people think of you.

If you measured yourself and valued a million dollars in a bank, that’s an external value that isn’t controllable. It’s merely going to drive you crazy daily. Negative values are reliant on an external event such as flying in a private jet, getting threesomes or travelling the world in pursuit of a hedonistic lifestyle (guilty).

Arguably, negative values can be good motivators initially. You didn’t get into self-development if you didn’t want to fuck more girls, make more money and look really awesome amongst your friends right? Negative values can give you a good start, however, for long term happiness, you’ll need to prioritize internal values in the long run.

Positive values are reality-based, immediately controllable, self-generated and are socially constructive. Positive values such as innovation, honesty and vulnerability are immediately controllable and can be self-generated right this moment.

For example, instead of valuing popularity or how much I’m liked by people, I can make an internal value of improving my dating/ social life. That way, just by going out to a bar to meet more women is a win for me, regardless of their reaction to me.

Positive values are always internally achieved and there’s no completion to them. They are also process oriented. Honesty and vulnerability are internal values that can be practised right now and in every social interaction for the rest of your life.

How to Establish Your Values Without Being an Asshole?

So the one thing about values that people get confused is that you got to be somewhat of an asshole when expressing your values.

Having strong values doesn’t mean that you go around calling others out on their ‘poor values’ or ‘lack of values’. It just means recognising that you have different values than them and sometimes it’s just a lack of compatibility. The first step to establish your values is to express it in a matured manner. If the girl you’re dating shows up late, you don’t have to scream at her for showing up late. Just making it known and calling her out on it is enough.

You can always say: “Hey, I hope you won’t be this late the next time we meet.”

In a respectful and assertive manner.

I also want to note that your values should be flexible and based on context. If you have an amazing friendship with someone who’s always fucking late who has many other merits, then it’s perfectly fine to just accept that flaw in that person.

What Happens When You Change Your Values?

When you change your values, it’s normal for your old relationships to blow up in your face. This can be demonstrated by calling out certain behaviours from old friends and possibly ticking them off the wrong way.

Through my own personal growth, I started valuing my time and I started being serious about my life purpose and my work. If you cancel on me without letting me know, I’m sorry, that’s non-negotiable. I’m calling you out.

Your friendships you made through your life probably supported and confirmed the values of yours. However, when you begin to shift your values, you’re going to inevitably experience a lot of friction amongst those old relationships.

In my experience, long term relationships and friendships are the hardest. You may find yourself in a place where your closest relationships no longer understand you anymore. However, do these friendships have to have to go? I don’t think necessarily so. There’s no need to cut out a person because of a difference in values, that’s because, despite a difference in values, there may be overlap in values.

However, if you are constantly bickering over petty behaviours. That merely goes to show that you have different fundamental life values and have completely different priorities completely, then perhaps some time off that particular relationship might not be a completely negative thing.

In my experience, I found out the hard way that people around you are going to have different values from you do at the different point of their lives in multiple areas of their life from relationships to careers.

This is true of your relationship with to your parents, your childhood best friends, your boss, your pet goldfish, and your colleagues. You may have a childhood friend that has conflicting values at some point of his or her life and a loss of friendship is inevitable.

It’s values that ultimately bring people together and tear people apart. You’re going to be what you value. Choose your values wisely.

Works Cited

J, Z., S, S., J, C., & Z, Z. (2009). Social networks, personal values, and creativity: Evidence for curvilinear and interaction effects. Journal of Applied Psychology, 94(4), 1544-1552.

W, M. M. (2007). Happiness and Virtue in Positive Psychology. Journal for the Theory of Social Behaviour, 89-103.

 

 

How to Set Boundaries in Dating and Relationships 01
Jan 11

How to Set Healthy Dating and Relationship Boundaries

By Marcus Neo | Self Improvement and Social Skills

You can argue that the majority of dating and relationship problems are a boundary issue in one way or another. Years ago, I was enrapt in a relationship that felt great at times and just dirt poor other times. It was like a rollercoaster ride. It was only years later after knowing the concept of boundaries, that I realized that my ex-girlfriend and I had piss poor boundaries in our relationship.

So other than sparring yourself from rollercoaster relationships, why are boundaries important?

Firstly, strong boundaries are the cornerstone of attractive behaviour. Secondly, they create emotional health and are created by people with emotional health. They lead to emotional stability and self-esteem. They are also something you can work on right away.

Okay, before you get into deeper details, let’s take a look if you have a boundary issue.

You May Have a Boundary Issue if You:

  • Constantly feel like people take advantage of you or use your emotions for their own gain?
  • Feel like you’re constantly having to “save” people close to you and fix their problems all the time?
  • Find yourself sucked into pointless fighting or debating regularly
  • Find yourself far more invested or attracted to a person than you should be for how long you’ve known them
  • In your relationships, you feel like things are always either amazing or horrible with no in-between. Or perhaps you even go through the break-up/reunion pattern every few months?
  • You tell people how much you hate drama but seem to always be stuck in the middle of it
  • You spend a lot of time defending yourself for things you believe aren’t your fault?

If you answered “yes” to even a few of the above, then you probably set and maintain poor boundaries in your relationships. If you answered a resounding “yes” to most or all of the items above, you not only have a major boundary problem in your relationships but you also probably have some other personal problems going on in your life.

What are Relationship Boundaries?

There are many reasons why someone may lack boundaries. Psychologically speaking, people with a lack of boundaries may appear may be motivated by an unconscious need to ‘keep the peace’ because of the fear of getting hurt.

So, what are boundaries and how do they look like?

Healthy Boundaries:

  • NOT taking responsibility for OTHER people choices, actions and emotions
  • Taking FULL responsibility for YOUR own choices, actions and emotions

Healthy Boundaries from the outside:

  • NOT expecting others to be responsible for your choices, actions and emotions
  • Other people should be responsible for THEIR choices, actions and emotions and NOT responsible for YOUR emotions and choices.

Dating and Relationship Boundaries

Examples of Poor Boundaries:

Since I’m Asian, I can use a couple examples from the Asian culture, I’ll chime in a few examples.

“If you go out with your friends tonight and not keep me accompany, I’m not going to give you allowance next month.”

“If you don’t study the subjects as I want you to, I’m not going to pay for it.”

“If you don’t do as I say, you’re not being filial to the family. Hence, you’re not a good child.”

This is an example of a parent’s expectation for his or her child to take responsibility for the parent’s choices and emotions.

In this scenario, the person is taking responsibility for actions or emotions that aren’t theirs or are expecting someone to take responsibility for their actions or emotions. When you set boundaries in your relationships, it can be as simple as saying no to someone and letting the chips fall where they may.

You’re NOT responsible for someone’s else emotions.

Flip that around, it’s also the willingness to take a no from someone else. That’s because if you feel crappy about hearing a no, you’re are responsibility for your own mood and not expect or blame anyone else for your emotions and choices. Ultimately, having strong boundaries does not mean that you don’t want your partners or friends to be happy. It just means that you can’t decide if your partners or friends are happy or choose to behave in a certain way.

The Breaker and Fixer Pathology

People with poor boundaries typically come in two flavors:

  1. Those who take too much responsibility for the emotions and actions of others
  2. Those who expect others to take too much responsibility for their own emotions and actions.

They are called the breaker, and the fixer. Interestingly, these two types of people often end up in relationships together. My first relationship was like that, it felt like it was us against the world. However, in hindsight, it was soul-sucking and emotionally tiring. She and I had pathologies of both the victim and saver, oscillating between both roles at different points of time.

  • The Saver

If you are someone who tends to feel a need to make their partners happy all the time, you may be playing the role of the saver in the relationship. You have a boundary issue. This is because, at the core of it, you’re attempting to decide/ control how your partner acts and feel.

The saver doesn’t save the victim because they actually care about the problem, but because they believe if they fix the problem they will feel loved.

  • The Victim

The victim creates problems not because there are real problems, but because they believe it will cause them to feel loved. If you are that someone who is always creating problems, expecting others to take responsibility for your actions and emotions. You are playing the role of the victim.

The saver and victim commonly end up together in relationships and often lead to unstable roller coaster relationships. In such scenarios, the lack of boundaries leads to needy, co-dependent.

From an attachment theory perspective, victims tend to be anxious-attachment types, and savers tend to be avoidant-attachment types. They both push away secure-attachment types. They may also grow up with parents who had poor boundaries in their relationships that led to their model of a relationship that is based on poor boundaries.

You may ask, Marcus, isn’t it cold and cruel to not care about others and fix their problems?

You see, the saver or the victim don’t ACTUALLY care about each other or the relationship, they are behaving in these ways to meet their own need for self-esteem through other people’s problems. The victim needs to create problems to feel loved whilst the saver needs to fix problems to feel loved. There isn’t any real authenticity or genuine emotional connection with these relationships.

Their behaviors are based on their OWN needs to feel loved and not actual unconditional love itself.

If the victim really cares about the saver and the relationship, he or she would say, “Look, this is my problem, you don’t have to fix it for me.” That would be actually caring about the saver.

If the saver really cared for the victim, the saver would say, “Look, you’re blaming others for your own problems, you should be responsible for it yourself.” That would be actually loving the victim.

The hardest thing for a victim to do in the world is to hold themselves accountable for their feelings and their life as opposed to blaming others. They spent their whole life believing they must blame others in order to feel any intimacy or love.

For the saver, the hardest thing to do in the world is to stop fixing other people’s problems and trying to make them feel happy or satisfied. They may have spent their whole lives feeling valued and loved when they were fixing a problem for someone. Hence, letting go of this need is terrifying to them as well. If you see your relationships as economical transactions, only seeing others as beneficial or economical exchanges, not only it’s a form of poor boundaries, it’s also going to tear you apart emotionally eventually.

The Boundary Problem in Modern Culture

Now, I may take some criticism for this, but I’m going to say it anyway. In Asian culture, there’s a cultural belief that children are inherently SUPPOSED to be filial to their parents or grandparents. It’s a common cultural Asian cultural narrative to love, respect and obey your parents JUST because they are your biological parents, not based upon the fact if they are good parents or not.

This often expressed in the value of filial piety.

I had a friend to said that he would give in to demanding/unreasonable requests to his parents just because they are paying for his University fees. His parents are using monetary support as a bargaining tool to get their child to conform.

I’m may piss off some you reading here but listen to me.

That is an unhealthy and toxic relationship dynamic between him and his parents with a lack of boundaries. On one hand, his parents are using money as a means to control their child’s behaviour. Secondly, on his end, he is giving up his self-respect, his honest thoughts, and desires because he’s afraid of not getting the money from his parents.

If your parents only provide for you financially if you give in to their whims and demands. It’s a conditional relationship. The underlying meaning of the relationship would mean: I only love you if you listen to me. I will only provide for you if you listen to me.

Firstly, these are a poor form of boundaries. Secondly, there isn’t any genuine support or affection in their relationship.

From personal experience in the Singaporean culture, there are many that have this perception that if their parents provide for them financially, it’s a MUST to give in to their parents, against their genuine thoughts, desires and beliefs.

Some of the people reading this might say: Marcus, you’re such an INGRATE for speaking out against the age-old values of filial piety. You’re Asian yourself and you SHOULD be filial to your parents.

Okay, shut up.

I AM filial to my parents. However, I act on it as a gift, with no expectations of return, as opposed to an OBLIGATION. There’s a difference.

The act and value of filial piety should be something that’s given unconditionally, rather than demanded or assumed because of cultural or social reasons. 

If you’re forced to visit your grandparents every weekend and you secretly hate it. Then you’re not acting out of a genuine desire to see and care for your grandparents. You’re doing it because you don’t want to piss your Mum and Dad off.

As I argued, acts of affection are only genuine if they’re performed without expectations.

Is It Okay to Sacrifice?

You may ask then, Marcus, what about making sacrifices for people you love? What about going the extra mile for best friends? What if my girlfriend wants me to call her daily? What if my pet cat requires me to stroke his belly 20 times a day?

I SHOULD make that sacrifice right?

Firstly, sacrifices that are made out of obligation aren’t genuine sacrifices. They are actually your inability to say no.

True sacrifice only comes in the form of unconditionally, as a gift, with no expectations of return. One common behavior I noticed during my stint as a dating coach for men is that they compliment women in hopes of getting her attention. Needless to say, they didn’t get far.

Sacrifice is only true and genuine when you desire to do it out of no expectations, as a gift, and not because you should feel obligated to or fear the consequences of NOT doing it.

You can simply ask yourself this: If you stopped doing an X behavior, would it change anything about your relationship with Y? Read: I know, the algebra. I’m Asian, live with it.

  • If I stopped picking her up from her house or sending her home, will she still love me?
  • If I stopped agreeing with her on everything she says, will she still love me?
  • If I told my friend that he should be on time in the future, and being late isn’t cool at all, will we still be friends?

If your answer is NO, it wouldn’t change a damn thing in the relationship, if you stopped doing a certain behavior, then that’s a good sign.

If YES, then you probably have a boundary issue. You’re making a particular sacrifice or behaving in a certain way because you fear to lose the relationship.

How to Set Strong Boundaries

I started off a YES man. I’d say YES to events, business opportunities, introductions, trips and I was the guy that was flexible and easy to get along. Yes, that helped a lot. However, as I grow, I realized it’s so much better to say NO and truly evaluate how and who you spend your time and effort with.

These days, I’m always evaluating how I feel after spending time with someone. If I feel emotionally recharged, listened to or that I learned something from him or her, I’ll continue pursuing that relationship. If I feel disrespected, belittled or unjustly criticized then I’ll stop.

In my business career, I had instances where potential clients waste my time by getting me to draft out long thought out proposals for their digital marketing campaigns and I don’t hear back from them. No, no more. You need to be a good fit to work with me.

I had instances where girls waste my time and don’t show up for a date. That’s on me. That’s MY fault. I didn’t qualify her properly. If I had disqualified and said: ‘You and I are probably not going to get a long because you’re always late’, she’s going to either straighten up or not waste my time by not showing up.

These days, I hold by these standards throughout all my relationships, from friends, family, clients, business partners, and life choices. In that sense, I’m valuing my time and myself. Only by valuing your time and yourself, that you can get others to value you and your time.

Here are some of the lines you can use:

  • I prefer not to discuss them as these matters are private to me’
  • I never kiss and tell’
  • I already stated my opinion and I’m not going to argue with you further.’
  • ‘If you keep doing X behaviour, then I’m going to leave.’
  • ‘This is are my values, and I hope you can respect that.’

Closing Thoughts

Setting boundaries by cutting an acquaintance out or an ever unaccountable friend is easy. It’s as simple as cutting them out from your life or seeing them lesser. However, setting boundaries and maybe even cutting family and best friends out are a lot harder. You can dump your girlfriend, you can’t dump a bad family member. Family relationships are the hardest to deal with. Trust me, I’ve been there.

One time, I stopped driving a couple of my friends around. I realized that if I stopped driving them around, they wouldn’t bother hanging out with me. Tough truth to face, but that’s life. When I go out with a girl on a date and she says something offensive, I don’t just play nice and ignore, I call her out on it. That’s a form of my boundaries. I don’t accept rude or offensive behaviours in my life.

How to Set Boundaries in Dating and Relationships 03

Someone with strong boundaries isn’t afraid to say no. He or she isn’t afraid of a temper tantrum or getting into an argument. He or she also understands that he may hurt someone else’s feelings at times and ultimately can’t control how someone else feels.

He or she also understands that a genuine relationship isn’t made up of two people deciding on each other’s actions or emotions, but instead, an unconditional relationship is made up of two people supporting each other, without judgment or expectations.

How to Talk to Women
Jan 02

How to Start a Conversation and Talk to Anyone

By Marcus Neo | Self Improvement and Social Skills

You see your ideal partner sitting across the table of Starbuck having a quiet cup of coffee. He or she is dressed casually. They don’t look intimidating They are attractive. They are also alone. The hundreds of possibilities run through your head. You want to start a conversation with them. However, you freeze and you don’t know what to say, much less how to say it. Or maybe you’re at a networking session are you see the boss of your ideal company standing beside a booth. You’re thinking of what to say in a situation like this.

How many of us experienced similar situations like this?

Starting a conversation with anyone is a skillset that can be learnt.

How to Talk to Anyone – Conversational Mindsets

Firstly, you need to understand that there are good conversational mindsets that can make or break any conversation.

This can be done by adopting conversational mindsets such as 1) using effective language, 2) learning the art of making statements, 3) creating endless conversation threads by actively listening and 5) understanding the mechanics of how to connect deeply with anyone.

Mindset 1: Lower The Bar For a Conversation

The first step to starting a conversation with a stranger and never running out of words is to lower the bar for conversation. I was notorious for being too witty and lost in abstract arguments in my head. It has single handedly submarined a lot of social, romantic and business opportunities. Purely relying on pure wit or intellect is actually a horrible way to communicate in any relationship

It’s a cultural narrative from movies you watch growing up where the actors and actresses often come up with witty lines and the ‘perfect moment’ to strike up a conversation. In reality, is far from the truth. It’s always a little awkward at first when getting to know someone new, just keep it simple.

Mindset 2: Statements Versus Questions

Have you ever had someone who you just got to know ask you repetitive questions? I bet you have. It also felt irritating. People feel the same way as well. When you go interview mode on someone, you’re making the conversational flow one sided.

Instead of going down the route of interviewing someone and asking questions. When you make statements, you’re giving your own input and giving her a window to respond to that statement.

The trick here isn’t to just stick to statements. It’s to mix in statements and questions. In Asian culture, if you were just to stick to statements, most people will not know how to respond. From my experience, they’re just too used to guys asking questions all the time, and haven’t built any social skills to share themselves.

It’s a much better conversational habit as compared to asking questions and waiting for her reply. Of course, if you were to make statements, questions and she just doesn’t respond, it means that she’s not ready to talk and isn’t receptive.

Don’t take it personally and move on.

Statements offer more ‘value’ and opportunity for someone to get continue to a conversation than questions. When you’re just going off on questions with someone, you don’t express your identity, and you don’t really put them in a position to express themselves. The other party got to invest in the conversation for the interaction to go well.

Cold reading is a skillset that you can use to make statements. Other simple ones include making observations about the environment or something that catches your eye. It’s possible to turn every question into a statement. For example, instead of asking what someone does for a job, why not make a statement that they looks like they work in creative line or looks like a teacher and etc.

If you get it wrong, they’ll correct you. If you get it right, they’ll be quite surprised at how intuitive you are. There are no loses to making cold reads.

You can also make statements about your day to day life. Instead of worrying what to ask next, you can just go off randomly on your day or events that interest you: ‘I hate my boss, he just made me do two times the work today’.

It’s better to be random and interesting than to be predictable. However, don’t be too random, as it won’t work in an Asian setting.

Statements done right can inspire someone to find out more about yourself. It can inspire someone to ask more questions about you. This way, it’s a two sided conversation.

Caveat: I’d like to add that questions are alright in an Asian setting, most Asian aren’t really equipped with the social skills to lead the interaction, you’ll be required to do a little bit of babysitting by mixing questions with statements.

Mindset 3: Listening Actively 

One of the common pitfalls of learning social skills is to only talk about yourself and only showing interest in the topics that you yourself are interested in.

One time, I went out with one of my girl friends. She had relationship woes. For three hours straight, she went on was how shit of their ex-boyfriend treated her. That spanned the whole of three fucking hours. Whilst I’m perfectly cool with lending a listening ear, it just got downright exasperating and I felt like killing myself at the end of the session.

Read: if you want to feel better about yourself it’s better to step outside of yourself and empathise with someone else’s problems. Instead of having a self-defeating loop in your mind, merely focused on your own problems, your own trouble or your own pain. It helps, try it.

If you’re genuinely interested in the world of others. It will lead you to a lot more conversational opportunities than just sticking to your own topics of conversation.

Take a good listen to people around you. Everyone’s attempting to jam their point of view down everyone else’s throat. No one’s truly listening. Communication at the end of the day is a two-way thing. Yes, you get to share your story, once they are done listening to yours, do make a point to listen to their story. Part of being interesting is being genuinely interested remember?

How to Talk to Girls 05

Mindset 4: Use Effective Language 

One way to be a great communicator is by using effective language. This means using the shortest number of words possible to in conversation to get your point across. You would rather have 5 minutes of awesome conversation as opposed to 15 minutes of beating around the bush. You will come off as more well spoken and charismatic.

This means removing ‘ahh’ ‘you know’ and ‘erhms’ and other filters when you’re conversing.

This doesn’t mean you speak like a robot either. You can use different tonality and pace to get more emotion across in your conversations. Writing and keeping a journal can help with this skillset.

When there’s nothing to say, don’t feel like a need that you have to say something. That’s part of being grounded in your social interactions. There’s no need to fill every silent gap with something to say. In psychology, it’s said that people who can’t help but ramble on to ‘keep the peace’ may be displaying a form of anxious attachment.

When in doubt, ask yourself, ask yourself, are you saying something because you’re afraid of the silence or the slight confrontation? If the answer is Yes, then it’s OKAY to keep to yourself. Remember, you don’t need permission to speak to anyone, or not speak to anyone.

How to Start a Conversation out of Nothing

Skillset 1: Asking Innocuous Questions

I used to think that simple questions sounded stupid and it’s ‘impractical’ to ask someone on such questions. However, I realised innocuous questions are a mere social tool and conversational starter to get some social juices going when talking to strangers.

No one goes deep into their life story in the first few minutes of getting someone new, and no one expects a life story within the first few minutes either.

Some example of innocuous questions:

  • “What are you up to here?”
  • “How’s your day?”

You’ll be surprised how far these innocuous questions can help is starting a conversation with an interesting stranger.

Skillset 2: Making Simple Observations

Secondly, you can also start a conversation with a stranger by making simple observations. You can get creative with this. It can be something in the current environment you’re in, it can be the nicely tailored suit that he’s wearing, or the cute blue toenails she has spent hours on. It can be the weather. It can be the fake tan she has on. (I’m kidding)

  • “Wow, the weather’s pretty hot today.”
  • ‘Those are nice blue toenails you have on, they are really cute.’

Just like asking innocuous questions, think of it as a conversational starter. Once you get small talks like that going, you can follow these observations up with a question, or a cold read.

Skillset 3: The Art of Cold Reading

Cold reading is the art of making an intelligent guess about something about someone. It doesn’t matter if you’re wrong or right. The point of it is to get the conversation going. It’s one of the most effective and a bread and butter of conversational tools that you should include in your daily life if you’re looking to improve your social and conversational skills.

Cold reading is done by making harmless neutral assumptions with the people you are talking with.

Examples of Cold Reading:

  • “Hi, you seem to be a really artsy person. Did you take an arts subject in school?”
  • “You look like you’re a school teacher, you must be a pretty bad one, all the kids must hate you”

The thing about cold reading and guessing is that you never go wrong with it. If you get it wrong, he or she will correct you, and perhaps add onto it. If you’re spot on, they’ll likely to think that you’re quite perceptive and may engage with you in conversation because of that. Just last week I got most of my cold reads right by chance by guessing a girl was half Japanese and was studying at the University of London. She reacted positively and was curious how did I know so much. I followed up by teasing that I stalk her daily on Facebook and Instagram.

Through cold reading, you can keep conversational threads flowing and then relate these threads back to your own life with your own experiences.

I’ve personally used this conversational tool thousands of times to spark new conversations or in the middle of dying conversations threads. It works every time.

How to Keep a Conversation Going Anyone

One of the most commonly asked questions in social skills, dating and relationships advice is how to keep a conversation going with anyone, and how to never run out of words?

In social interactions, you’re going to assume to the burden of taking the lead, to start, to continue and to lead in the conversation. Instead of ending your conversations with one-word answers: Yes or No, try to end it with stories, statements and specifics.

  • The Art of Improvisation

There’s a misconception in conversation that people pay attention to words and phrases. However, it’s the meaning of the conversation that people are more interested in. If you just pay attention to to phrases and words, it may result in an unnatural conversation. It’ll seem as if you’re trying to keep this conversation going and you’re afraid of silences.

The secret to creating endless conversational topics is to get good at improvisation. You can only get better with this skill by learning from stand up comedians. I started off studying George Carlin and Louis CK, however, their style of comedy can be quite dark and self depreciating. That’s not really good for most situations. One of the good comedians to check out is Russell Brand and Russell Peters.

The best way to get good at this is to gain an appreciation of language.

  • Penetrate the Ostensible

When you’re penetrating the ostensible, you are take multiple meanings to a word, phrase or intonation and playing around it. This is taking note of little nuances, words that someone says and playfully adding in a tease.

The Art of Story Telling: How to Tell a Story

Ever know someone who went on, and on and on and you can’t help but quietly look away whilst he goes on and on to kind of signal that he’s being too long-winded? Or maybe you know someone who awkwardly tries to fit in a joke in his conversations?

Starting conversations is an important skill. However, learning how to continue them in a dynamic manner is also equally important.

Human beings, by nature, are enrapt by stories. People in power, businessmen, priests (erhem), comedians, and politicians all use the art of storytelling to explain, persuade and influence others to their way of thinking.

In the dating advice community, memorizing stories and routines are popular methods. Whilst this might work in the short run, there’s going to come a point of time where you’re going to run out of words. Hence, I advocate understanding the principles of what makes a dynamic conversation and apply them using your own life stories and experiences.

Learning how to tell a story in a structured, and interesting manner will make you a good conversationalist.

Every great story has a rough three-step process that anyone can use.

  • The Set Up

The set up gives context to the conflict of the story. It’s the general setting, such as the location and brief details of the story. The set up should be as short as possible. But it’s necessary to give the initial context and foundation for the follow-up of the complete story.

If you don’t set up your stories, you’ll come off to others as random in your conversations.

One simple one lined example of the “set up” would be this:

“I was attending my school orientation the other day. Whilst watching the orientation games, there was this girl that tripped and fell. I was an asshole about it and laughed a little.”

It’s descriptive and gives background to the story.

  • The Conflict

The conflict is the part where you introduce the majority of the story. This should be the part that causes tension and expectancy. The content of the story needs to be captivating and hook others into wanting to know what will happen next. If there isn’t much conflict in the content of your stories, you will get the feeling that you ramble on a lot and others are not paying attention to you.

To continue to story from the set up:

“One of the most attractive girls in the whole of the camp took me by surprise and gave me a smack on my arm. I actually froze up! I froze up and walked away like an idiot! I should have just said something out of my mouth or smacked her back. But I didn’t. I retardedly froze up and walked away.”

“However, I never really felt right, that’s because I didn’t want myself worth to be judged on how many girls date, or anything like that. I also felt I wasn’t experienced enough to coach guys that might be twice my age.”

  • The Resolution/ Punchline

The resolution and the punchline are where you insert ‘the moral of the story’, the ‘punchline’ and the ‘joke’ to end off the story, or just closure for a generic story. People who don’t conclude their stories properly will often get blank stares when they’re finished speaking, or people will ask them “Yeah, and…?”

To end off the story with a punchline:

“Lesson learned! Never ever stand beside an attractive woman during orientation games.” (Joke)

“Nonetheless, I’ve decided to give it a shot, as long as I do my research, and stick to my values, and business values, I’m sure it’ll turn out alright.”

These are all true stories by the way.

Learning how to tell stories in a dynamic and interesting manner is a conversational habit has helped me over the years with strangers, sales and persuading others in my business and dating life. Learning how to structure your conversations is going to be helpful for everything from sales presentations, networking events, casual conversations and other forms of social interactions. It can also make or break a romantic interaction when you’re expected to lead in conversation.

How to Talk to Girls - Start a Conversation and Connection 03

Should You Memorize Lines for Conversations?

Some times, I get this question: should you memorize lines for your conversations? Personally, I never felt right memorising lines. It has never turned out well for me. Furthermore, you don’t want to be some robotic person repeating what somebody wrote on the internet.

There’s no need to memorize anything, I’ve sparked conversations with people all over the world with this simple line: “Hi I’m Marcus, I just wanted to say Hi, you look like…”.

I haven’t had a drink splashed on me yet.

You want to understand the principles of conversations, and use your own unique life stories and motivations. This will serve you much better in the long run. Not to mention social interactions has many variables that are out of your control and cannot be completely boxed and quantified like a formula.

However, if you’re starting out you can memorize one line jokes or some of your own life stories as training wheels. They should come naturally out of you after some practice.

The Art of Qualification: Empathy and Appreciation

Mark Twain was quoted saying: “really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great.”

When was the last time someone took notice of something about you and appreciated that aspect of you? You see, appreciation is as aspect that’s left out in our culture and conversations. That’s because it genuine appreciation requires vulnerability.

The secret desire is that everyone desires to be appreciated and to be admired. The art of qualification is the art of appreciating someone for their values or personality. The  way to get good at this is to step outside your daily judgments and asking yourself why someone behaves the way they do.

I also don’t mean it in a manner where you compliment someone for the sake of complimenting them. You have to convey your compliments in an authentic manner.

For example: The guy who seems fearless in his entrepreneurial pursuits, selfish with his time, demand and uptight about his schedule, isn’t actually being an asshole. He could be working on a huge project that may help his family financially.

Someone who is extremely financially motivated might not be money minded. He might be doing it because he had a negative experience financially when he was young.

I choose to write about social skills, dating and relationships because I essentially care about this area of my life. Writers make choices. It must obviously mean something to me. So does everyone, with whatever they choose to pursue.

The world is mired in advertising, society, family, friends telling you and everyone else that they aren’t good enough. If you’re able to dig beneath the surface, figure out why people do what they do and appreciate them for that, you’ll stand out from the norm in their lives. It’s only when you find that gold in someone, appreciate them for that, and watch them lit up like a Christmas tree.

How to Build a Deep Emotional Connection

Society often shames us for expressing what you really feel or think. Hence all of us grow up to hold back our thoughts, desires, and feelings, whether be it consciously or subconsciously. However, as humans being, we all have an emotional need for connection and significance in our relationships.

How to Talk to Girls 11

If you’re going to meet someone and merely talk about the weather, gossip on your mutual friends or nerd out about politics, then you aren’t being truly vulnerable. If all you know about someone is merely the superficial facts about someone, then you don’t really know someone at all.

Men tend to converse through information, fact and theories and women through emotions. However, many pay attention to the “WHATs” of life: their job, their cat’s name and where they live. The facts are mere superficial details of the emotions experienced. You want to relate to the underlying emotions behind the facts.

They rarely peer into the WHYs.

Conversing with emotions will not only help you connect to someone in a deeper manner, but it’ll also help you connect on a more meaningful level. Deeper friendships and romantic relationships aren’t just built by the number of experiences two people have together, it’s also built upon opening up to each other.

No matter how different, everyone in the world has gone through some form of success, failure, hurt, disappointment, anger and lost. If you want to connect with someone emotionally, you got to open yourself up and connect on these universal emotions and experiences.

I often tell people that I’m quite a good judge of character and someone else’s motivation. That’s because I pay attention to the undercurrent of what someone is saying, as opposed to the superficial layers of communication. Powerful emotional connection is built upon understanding and relating to each other’s WHYs in life.

You need to pay attention to the motivations behind pursuits and behaviours.

Here’s an example of going into the WHYs:

Her: Wow, what inspired you to be an entrepreneur at such a young age?
Me: I pursue business I want to be financially free because I felt financially suffocated during my teenage years as my family went bankrupt for a period of time.

That is a ‘Why’.

Here’s another way to tell a story in a dynamic way:

I was once a competitor in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and currently I’m an entrepreneur. The feeling before a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu competition is the same pressure before a giving a business pitch.

They are both some sort of competition in some way. One of them is trying to overcome a physical challenge whilst the other a financial one. The Brazilian Jiu Jitsu competitor is risking failure, success, and embarrassment just like how the entrepreneur is.

Never thought how a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu champion can relate to an entrepreneur uh?

Like I mentioned, everyone on this planet shares a handful of universal emotional realities: ambition, shame, alienation, loneliness, achievement, regret, hardship, friendship, love, heartbreak. You and I have all experienced it. The facts change, but the feelings stay the same.

It’s merely how well you’re able to express yours, which will in turn inspire them to share theirs. This requires some degree of vulnerability. It’s true that many carry themselves in a superficial manner in order to fit in with society. However, everybody has it somewhere in them. It’s your job to dig it out and connect with that part of them. That’s where the gold is. That’s where the real magic happens.

  • Be Aware of Your Own Life Stories and Motivations

The rule of thumb here is to always go first. If you share a vulnerable part of yourself, it’ll inspire them to share about theirs.

However, to do that, you first have to be firstly aware of your own emotions, motivations and life story.

This includes:

  • Your passions and favourite things to do
  • Your dreams, ambitions, life goals
  • Best/worst thing that has happened to you
  • Your childhood, family life and upbringing

You can initiate these conversations by a simple cold read: you look like you’re close to your family.

This is where majority of people (especially men) fail at this. Men tend to discuss technical know-hows and superficial details rather than be introspective about their own emotions. The majority of guys suck at talking about themselves. They think it’s ‘weird’ in some ways. Women, on the other hand are super engaged when they are talking about themselves (or each other). This is why women enjoy gossiping, creating drama or people watching.

Here is an example:

I always wanted to be a psychologist growing up because I had a lot of problems growing up as a rebellious teenager. I was always angry, apathetic and under performing. I ended up being hooked onto self development due to a horrible break up with my ex-girlfriend. I was addicted to the fact that I could have a control over my dating life and social interactions.

Through years of failure, today, I feel much more in control of my dating life. I took an interest in psychology that partially inspired my entrepreneurial projects.

However, if you talk about how you FEEL about your experiences, then you can relate to how she FEELS about her experiences. It’s never the experiences themselves that make the difference, it’s the similar underlying emotions of those experiences that you relate to someone that makes a difference.

Here are some examples:

She studies really hard to get into law school because she was brought up by a single Mum and she wants to be self-reliant and independent. That’s driving her. You can relate to her by saying that you had a distant upbringing with your family and you always had to rely on yourself emotionally to get by.

When you open up about yourself and can relate to each other’s emotions and experience, you’ll elicit them to to open up about themselves. The more this goes on, the more personal stories become and the deeper the emotions you connect with. The harder it is to talk about it as a subject, the more genuine and attractive it potentially can be. For example, topics such as childhood, upbringing and family life are often hard for someone to express, especially so in Asian culture.

Here’s a reframe: by being alright with sharing any part of yourself with anyone, you’re truly confident. Emotional connection occurs only through exposing yourself to a certain degree. It cannot be faked.

Confrontation and Boundaries

Lastly, confrontation is necessary to build a deeper emotional connection. Think of it as a parent who sits you down, says something that you don’t want to hear, but know that you should hear. You hate it at first, however, you appreciate that after awhile because deep down you know they are saying so because they care for you.

How to Talk to Girls 03

Confrontation can be painful and vulnerable. The majority of people avoid confrontation in the fear of imploding the relationship. However, it is necessary. Confrontation was something I started to get more comfortable with as I grew older. This is especially so with close relationships.

Recently, I confronted two good friends. I was feeling really upset for their unreliability and a host of other issues. I kept it in for months. However, it finally felt inauthentic to be around them without expressing those issues. It didn’t feel like a genuine friendship anymore. It felt like I was holding back my thoughts and desires in fear of losing the relationship.

Confrontation from a dating and relationships aspect can be as simple as calling a girl out for being half an hour late into a date to confronting your boyfriend about those weird late night calls to his ex. These conversations are almost often downright uncomfortable, but necessary. However, that’s how an authentic and deeper relationship is formed over time.

Putting it all Together

When you combine these conversational skillsets of cold reading, making statements over questions, storytelling, improvisation, deep emotional connection, you’ll eventually find yourself in being able to direct and control the flow of any conversation. This is actually easier than it sounds. You probably already are using different parts of these skillsets time to time. Now, you just got to do it consistently with anyone you are intending to converse with.

When I was 17, and I was the biggest countercultural hippie. I listened to John Lennon, proclaimed that all you need is love and just felt that life was all too short to be worried about you know the practical stuff. I sat at the playground near my house I was with my ex girlfriend who I was dating at that point in time. I sat and both of us chatted for hours.

I went off about how societal expectations were ridiculous and gave a mini-lecture if the universe existed or not. I told her how amazing was to exist as a tiny speck of the universe. I ranted passionately for a good hour. She listened. She listened well.

I then caught myself rambling and stared into her eyes.

I said: “Were you even listening, did you understand what I just said?”

She said: “No, I don’t, but I just love the way you say it.”

I got annoyed because I wanted her to understand all of that hippie stuff. She didn’t. However, years later, looking back, she probably loved how I expressed it. It my passion, my values and story telling at it’s finest. That was because those stories demonstrated my vulnerability, my authenticity.

Fast forward years later and I found myself dating this other girl at this bar near my home. That point of time, I was also a competitive martial artist and was preparing for a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournament. I ended ranting off on about how Jiu Jitsu is similar to the game of human chess. I told her Brazilian Jiu Jitsu was akin to facing death.

I explained to her that by being submitted in a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu match, it is the equivalent of dying. You’re either choked out, or risk suffering a major limb broken, which will lead you to a huge disability continuing the fight. I then went on about how Brazilian Jiu Jitsu teaches everyone to be humble because getting into a physical altercation in reality always pans out differently.

Guess what? She loved it. She just stared at me like my ex girlfriend did, mesmerised at how I went on passionately about something I cared about.

Complete different people, and completely different stories. Nonetheless, the same universal emotions.

The facts often get shifted around, however, the feelings are always same.

 

Mar 30

Reshveen Rajendran – Idiocy in Options Trading for Income

By Marcus Neo | Personal Finance

This is a review of a value investing seminar I attended years ago. It’s taught by Reshveen Rajendran. You can find his website at MillionDollarRush.Com. Here are the reasons I am publishing it after all these years: 1) I’m much more educated in financial markets today. 2) I researched my rights as a consumer. 3) I avoided writing negative reviews for the fear of potential legal action taken against me. 4) I decided to balls up. I am also exasperated at Singapore’s investment education industry pitching flamboyant theories that don’t work in real life to prey on unknowledgeable public. I got nothing against education. I am all for it. However, when you’re teaching the wrong information leveraging on the knowledge gap and using unethical marketing strategies: over promising, and under delivery, I got a problem with that.

How Did I Sign Up in The First Place?

So why did I sign up in the first place? I was a naive person in my early twenties. I wanted the short cuts. I wanted the quick answer to the financial markets. I also knew most of the programs in that market were extremely expensive: charging up to 5000 dollars for a seat. Since Reshveen Rajendran’s program was relatively cheaper than what the market was offering, I gladly participated along with a couple of other factors:

  • Reshveen was recommended by a friend (social bias here)
  • He safely assured me that doing 10% a month on my portfolio was easy and many others including himself has achieved those returns
  • The course’s irresistible marketing angle was: generate ‘part time’ income as a student.

Now, before I’m accused of making false claims here. I’ll back it up. The following pieces of information are taken from his Facebook page and his website’s blog post.

The Review of Reshveen Rajendran’s Course 

The instruction taught in the course was entry level. The course promoted using options to generate ‘insurance premium’ on underlying assets. It serves as a ‘monthly cashflow’. This wasn’t substantiated by the course instructor in his profit or loss statement. For the ones more financially savvy, you’ll know that options don’t always expire and there’s a possibility of it being exercised. Since you can’t predict the market, you can’t guarantee a cash flow from premiums generated from selling options.

Secondly, in the instruction, commodities were also recommended by the instructor as an investing vehicle. This goes against the fundamental principle of value investing. The fundamental principle of value investing is purchasing companies when their prices are traded below their intrinsic value. Commodities are entirely different from companies.

Thirdly, to claim that your ‘6 figure’ equities portfolio generates you a passive income is highly suspicious. Now, assuming you built a portfolio around the highest paying dividend yield stocks in Singapore. The average yield would be approximately 5-7%. You’re required to have one million dollars invested to have a dividend income of 6%, $60000 annually, which adds up to $5000 per month. That’s a million dollar account, alongside with the assumption that you’re invested in the highest dividend stocks for the last 10 years and the companies pay out dividends regularly. 

Lastly to cite a quote from his blog:

My returns have been very substantial with 5 -7% compounding growth every month!

– Million Dollar Rush Blog

Let’s take an average of 6% compounded growth on a $10000 starting account balance, you’ll end with $20121.96 at the end of 12 months. You’ll achieve a 201.21% per annum returns. Let’s compare these returns to actual, audited investing track records.

  • Warren Buffet’s Track Record

Everybody favourite uncle: Warren Buffet. His returns are 23.8% compounded per annum.

  • Charlie Munger’s Track Record

Vice CEO of Berkshire Hathaway, partner to Warren Buffet. Charlie Munger’s compounded returns: 19.8% per annum.

  • Walter Schloss’s Track Record

Referred by Warren Buffet to be one of the greatest value investors ever lived. Walter Schloss’s compounded Returns: 16.1% Per Annum.

Here’s the reference. You could argue that Buffet claimed that he could achieve 50% returns per annum handling smaller amounts of capital. However, I’m sure Buffet himself never claim he could generate 201% in a year, much less this trainer.

Selling Put Options as a Strategy to Own Undervalue Stock

You’re required to have some basic options trading knowledge and experience to understand the following.

One of the theories proposed by the instructor is that you are able to sell put options to generate cashflow and to potentially own undervalued stocks at at a discount. Firstly, not all stocks have an options market at the price at which you valued it to be your purchase price. Secondly, not all stocks have an options market trading far out of the money. The majority of stocks are trading ‘at the money’. It’s barely worth selling a put option when it’s valued near ‘at the money’ (it’s better to own the stock itself, since it’s undervalued in the first place right?)

Henceforth, the entire notion of selling options to 1) own an undervalued stock. 2) generate free cash flow that leads to passive income, is absurd.

The Lack of Empirical Evidence

I don’t make these arguments without evidence. I’ll retract this article if there’s new evidence supported: audited or non-audited profit and loss sheets: namely the trainer’s profit and loss statements and trades.

Years ago, I negotiated with the trainer for a full refund of my course fees, citing the evidence and stating the mentioned case studies. However, he outrightly refused and cited that I haven’t applied any of his instruction on my end and am unable demand a refund of his course fees as it would be unreasonable. Ironically, I took it upon myself to test out his methods. I also took it upon myself to do acquire investing knowledge independently of his course material and instruction. 

Note: If you’re looking to sue me, there is a difference between online defamation and a negative product or service review. I present my case with basic mathematics, supporting evidence and no intention to accuse or character assassinate the company nor trainer.

2020 update: Low cost index fund investing has gotten me a far better returns that actively managing capital for the last 7 years. No fancy options trading or theories. Statistically, the average individual is not going to outperform the market. No, you’re not a Buffet or a Munger. No, you’re not special. No, you don’t belong to the minute percentage that is able to generate an income selling options. Unfortunately, the trainer is still going around selling the same program to the public at scale.

References:

https://www8.gsb.columbia.edu/articles/columbia-business/superinvestors

Mar 19

How to Tell If She Wants You to Make a Move – 3 Signals

By Marcus Neo | Dating and Relationships

I consider having better social/ dating skills than the average Joe after doing this for so many years. However, I’m still flabbergasted at times at how poor I am at deciphering if a girl is attract  or or not. The signals women give can be quite confusing at times. Some women show it openly with strong eye contact, and some don’t. Some show it through being around you and some show it by shying away from you. How can you really tell if a women is attracted to you?

How to Tell if She Wants You to Make a Move – Indicators of Interest

  • Positive Signals

Indicators of positive interest can range from hair flicking, strong eye contact, her making excuses to spend time with you or her. She reciprocates your signs of interest. Some more overt interest includes her asking you your number, initiating physical touch with you or invite you out with her friends. She may ask you a lot of questions and seem genuinely interested in you.

I’ll also argue if you’re looking to dating high quality women that get hit on almost everyday of their life, it boils down to subtlety. Subtleties be displayed in the form of stealing tiny glances at you and then looking away almost immediately. Whether it’s intentional or not, it doesn’t matter. Your ability to notice and play along with these subtleties is something you develop with experience. Chances are, if reading this article, the majority of success you had with women only happened because she initiated. In my experience, a lot of women, especially hot women, won’t initiate with you, not account for the cultural pressure to wait for the man to initiate.

This brings me to the next category.

  • Neutral Signals

Typically, a man knows within a couple of seconds if he’s sexually attracted to a woman or not. Women aren’t like that. They are often quite unsure about a man and need to be swayed on way or another. The majority of girls you approach are going to fit into the neutral category. She doesn’t seem interested or doesn’t seem particular uninterested. If you touch her on her back, she will not move away, however, she may not give you any signal that she likes it. She may agree to come back to yours, however, when you make your advances, she pushes your hands off.

The most important thing to note is that women do not ever stay inis category. They’ll eventually become receptive or unreceptive. If you’re not going to make a move, she’s going fall into the unreceptive category.

  • Negative Signals 

Negative signals can come in the form of wanting to bring her friend along when you ask her out for coffee. If you approach her by the bar and she tells you she wants to spend time with her friends, then she’s unreceptive. It’s important to note that a lot of sexual attraction is fleeting. You might have a lot of attraction going for you with a girl at the night club and she totally forgets you the next day.

This can also come multiple reasons. You’re of lower status that her. She is already in a committed relationship that she’s happy in. You guys may be completely incompatible.

Lastly, don’t be biased about indicators of interest. If a girl isn’t into you, then see it for what it is and move on. If you find yourself conjuring up reasons as to why she’s interested in you, then you’re probably on the wrong track.

What if She’s Acting all Quiet and Shy? 

In the modern world of dating advice, many forward thinking dating coaches for men have came forward with the idea that the biggest indicator of interest is if a girl is still there with you. If a girl is standing beside you, whether she’s quiet or openly flirting, it’s a sign of an indicator of interest. I used to think that a girl will always openly show that she likes you. Only then, I would only be able to move the interaction forward. That might be true for Western cultures, however, in an Asian centric dating culture, a lot of women are shy and reserved in displaying affection.

There were dates that I went out on that didn’t ‘seem right’. There weren’t any of the obvious hair flicking or flirty touching. They’re often quiet and somewhat little introverted. I thought they were plain disinterested. However, that isn’t always the case. The fact that a girl is willing to spend a Saturday noon with me demonstrated that she’s already interested. She just felt a reserved around me.

To put things in perspective, think of the time when you were a teenager and you had this huge crush on this girl. Every time she walked by, you felt stifled and you don’t know what to say. You would just stand there, dumbfounded, silent and quiet. This is especially true if you’re an attractive individual yourself. If you have good game, that can make girls and others naturally feel reserved around you initially.

The Biggest Indicator of Interest: She’s There With You

When getting good with women, you’re often told to dress well and fix your body language. You might think: I have done all this work by investing in myself, why isn’t she marrying me on the spot right away? Naturally, you’ll think that putting all this work will lead to a smooth sailing social interactions, right? This may lead to you to have higher expectations of your interactions with girls and people.

This isn’t often the case. On the flip side, from the girl’s point of view, she may perceive you as an attractive individual that she feels shy being around. No matter how many suits you purchase or the deodorant you wear, understand that girls are human’s beings too. They feel shy or stifled and that social interactions are imperfect by nature.

So, ultimately, what gives? How can you tell if she’s interested and wants you to make a move or not: 1) she’s quiet and attentive 2) if she’s flirting openly with you back and forth. Here’s where experience kicks in. One of the ways is to observe and listen to why she does or says something. Everyone has different emotional needs.

She could be shy and reserved around you but outgoing around her friends. So ask yourself, why is she only outgoing around her friends? Could she be shy around someone she’s interested in? Instead of seeing it as disinterest, that could be an indicator that she’s interested in you.On the flip side, some girls are shy in group settings, but may be expressive around you and is able to open up to you.  There was a girl I date that was really sweet around me. However, as she and I were around her friends, she acted the total opposite of prim and proper.

How to Really Know if She Wants You to Make a Move

If you’re not sure if a woman is attracted to you, or that you think you’re stuck in the ‘neutral’ category. The best way find out if a woman is attracted to you is to move the interaction forward. You can sit on the fences, debilitating your next move for months…. OR… you can find out the truth. Not by trying to over analyse the hundred and one indicators of interest, but by acting on them. 

This means being moving the interaction forward deliberately to a more sexual and romantic one. It’s also forcing her make a decision about how she actually feels about you. This can be as simple asking her for her number, asking her out on a date or being more sexually aggressive in your interaction with her.

You don’t want to waste time on women who are a time sink. You’re rarely going to change the mind of a women who’s not interested in you. Yes, you can lay off for a period of time and then come back and try again, with a new identity. However, in my personal experience, it rarely works in that way. You’re better off meeting someone else.

This is why you’re recommended to pursue women from your own personal values. You approach and talk to her because it’s your personal values to pursue women you desire. Whether she rejects you or not, it doesn’t matter, these actions are an expression of your values.

When you’re upfront and honest about your desires, there’ll be a percentage of women that are going to say no. That’s fine, take the rejection on the chin and move. This saves you wasting time, effort and needless mind games of asking yourself if she’s attracted to you on not.

Mar 18

How to Get Laid – The Emotionally Healthy Guide to Casual Sex

By Marcus Neo | Dating and Relationships

If you want to get laid, let’s just say you got to be minimally sexually attractive to women. You’ll still have to get your social skillsets down, dress well, have good body language, understand female psychology, understand where to meet women, how to approach them, take them out on a date and all of that ‘hard work’.

There’s also a misconception that all girls desire long term relationships before being willing to sleep with you. Now, whilst the majority of men attempts to manipulate their way into a girl’s pants, you’re going to be the minority is actually able to communicate with her and lay out expectations in vulnerable manner. 

Now, there is going a demographic of girls that’ll strictly believe in sex after marriage. No, despite all the crazy dating advice out there tells you,, you can’t actually change someone’s values overnight. You’re going to be hitting up against the wall, no matter how smart you think your lines or techniques works. It rarely works, if even at all. 

The Emotionally Healthy Guide to Casual Sex 

There’s a quote by entrepreneur Tim Ferris who said: a person’s success in a life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have. This is true especially when it comes to setting out expectations and boundaries in your dating life.

  • Be Empathetic about It

Basically, be 100% open about sex and talk about sex openly. This can mean be willing to say that you find her attractive and want to have sex with her. If she asks you about if you see this going into a relationship, don’t fucking say yes just for the sake of getting into her pants. Please don’t. Have some fucking self respect and ethics. Paradoxically, it’s this self respect and ethics that gets a girl to open up. 

Up till this day, I’m proud of the fact that I’ve never mislead any girls before. Honesty as a strategy is also a value I want to stress that I want to enforce as a dating coach.

She’s not going to feel like a slut if you’re honest about your desires with her. In fact, she’s going to feel the opposite, she’s going to feel you’re a human being and that you for care to a certain extent. You can say that you don’t know and you aren’t looking for a committed relationship at this point of time. 

There are multiple reasons why you do not want to have a committed relationship. This can be because of work, travel, difference in geographical location or you just want to explore your options. 

For years straight on, when I get asked that question: I simply say I don’t know, and that was true. I liked the person I was seeing a lot, however, it’s just that I was unsure about myself in general and wasn’t sure if I wanted to be in a committed relationship. 

If she asks you about you being a player or the number of girls you’ve slept with, you can simply say that that’s none of her business. 

When you’re upfront and honest about your desires, you’ll remove a lot of the necessary mind games. There’s no need to pressure anyone into doing something that they don’t want to do. 

However, vulnerability need not be confused with commitment or attachment. It’s possible to experience a powerful connection with a woman and never desire long term commitment with one another. 

  • Don’t Have Double Standards

Secondly, you aren’t in an exclusive relationship. You’re free to date others and she’s free to see others as well. There shouldn’t be any jealousy involved. 

Talk Openly about It and Have Empathy

The term last minute resistance or ‘LMR’ is commonly used in the pick up artist community.

It’s when girls resist last minute when she’s already in your room or bed. I’ve had these situations three-four times throughout my dating career. The solution to this isn’t to use some technique to trick her into sleeping with you (although that can work, there are ways to play on people’s fear of loss and abandonment, remember the freeze out technique?).

It’s vulnerability. It is to empathize with her. 

It is to ask her if she’s comfortable with you. Is she looking for a long term relationship? Does she feel uncomfortable to hook up before a relationship/marriage? What are her values?

I once had a girl over and she said: ‘We’re not going to have sex’. I immediately replied: ‘Yup, we aren’t.’ I was totally chill about it. To be honest, it’s a turn off to me when sex is forced or manipulated. Spoiler: she and I end up doing it anyways.

Take Responsibility of The Situation

There is a difference between in the perception of casual sex in Eastern and Western cultures. This is largely, and hugely ignored in the dating advice industry. This is something I stress upon time and time again, but nobody seems to listen. 

You need to take into the account of sexual shame in Eastern cultures. Relationships, love, intimacy isn’t exactly openly discussed over dinner tables in my own family growing up, I can’t remember the last time. I used to think this is a problem exclusive to my family. However, it’s not. It’s a cultural issue.

Look, I’m not saying that it’s completely different. The fundamentals of how to attract women are the similar. However, how you actually go about doing it.

Honesty is a cornerstone my philosophy in attracting women. However, it’s important to note that Asian cultures are much more sensitive in nature. If you are too ‘honest’ in your interactions, it might come off as rude, insensitive, blunt, even if don’t mean it to be. 

When starting out, I went with the cocky funny type of personality. I mean, that’s what you read in pick up artist books right? I gradually noticed cocky funny jokes only works on girls who are more liberal minded. It didn’t really click with the majority of the women in Singapore.

Like it or not, women (and human beings) are influenced by cultural values. Consciously or subconsciously, when evaluating potential partners, girls do take these values into account. They don’t want the cocky funny asshole player that they invite home for family dinners or bring him to meet her friends. 

The Anti Slut Defence

One of the defining philosophies that was born out of the pick up artist community is the idea that you got to understand the ‘anti slut defence’. In modern society’s eyes, if a girl hooks up with a guy, she’s a slut. If a guy hooks up with a girl, he’s a champion. It’s a double standard by modern society that makes sex, dating and relationships complicated and confusing. 

If she makes a move on you, she’s a slut for doing so. This is why girls in conservative cultures are going to be more passive when letting you know that she’s interested in you.

You got to come from a mind frame that if she hooks up with you, it’s your responsibility. It’s not her fault, responsibility at all. If you take all responsibility away from her, she’s allowed to blame you or external circumstances when you make your sexual advances. She’s able to justify it amongst her friends. 

The guys that got ‘good game’ go to lengths to make sure she’s not perceived as a slut. They are socially aware of what’s happening around them. This means only kissing her when her friends are not around, knowing when to make the right excuses and being empathetic about her current mood and feelings. If you’re looking for casual sex with a woman, she must have to have something to say about you to their friends. Their opinions matter. They needy to justify their behaviours to their friends why they went with you, hooked up with you and date you.

I see guys from the pick up artist community trying out routines such as handshakes or using bombastic pick up lines. The point isn’t to go over the board with your fanciful routines or a ‘high value’ portrayal, but to be empathetic, at the same time displaying that you are someone with strong boundaries and you are acting our of your values. 

Understanding how to hook up in an Eastern culture is going to take time and patience. If you’re not into long term relationships, be prepared that you got to invest time, effort and emotions into the dating game. This can mean going for 2-3 dates before hitting home run. This means going extra lengths showing her that you too care for her as a human being.

How to Get Her Back to Your Place

If you are dressing well, hitting the gym, getting your studies right, having friends that you enjoy with being, being interested in your job and having hobbies going for you. Ultimately if you come from a standpoint of emotional needs for status, connection and security that an ideal boyfriend will. You’re may be that empathetic yet high value male that she’ll break all rules for you. 

There’s no need to outrightly verbalize: let’s go home and fuck. I know, in this blog I advocate honesty, but not radical honesty. If you’re verbalizing everything, you’re also showing a lack of vulnerability and social intelligence. That’s unattractive and a turn off for women. It shows that you aren’t able to put yourself out there emotionally and have to somewhat verbalize and justify your sexual advances.

Now, assuming you’re on your third date, you guys are already making out, then the next logical step is sex. Some men are often faced with the problem of staying with their parents. I recommend ironing out this problem out with your parents. It’s the matured thing to do.

I remembered that I would awkwardly drive my Dad’s car to my place without asking her if she wants so to come after a date near a bar at my place. The general rule of getting her back to yours isn’t to ask her. It’s to lead. It’s to make the interaction subtle and socially intelligent. Finding an excuse to get her back to yours is a socially intelligent way to do it. You can stock up on alcohol at yours and then ask her over for drinks.

Okay, assuming the sex really isn’t going to happen. It’s past midnight and are you going to let her stay? I used to be alright with girls coming over and not wanting to hook up. I even rationalised it as ‘at least I got someone to hug to sleep.’ That was due to my lack of boundaries at that point in time. However, these days, if nothing is going to go down, I’ll politely ask her to leave.

The Art of Being a Hard Closer

If you’ve always perceived yourself as a nice person, then you must be willing to be slightly pushy and willing to piss off some people around you. If you’ve always believed yourself to be extremely attractive and your dating life isn’t something that you need to put work into, then by letting go of these beliefs, you’re now free to actively create new opportunities for yourself.

Only by letting go of certain stories you tell yourself, that you’re free to pull the trigger. You’re free to go out, take action and face eventual failure/ success. 

How to End things with Zero Drama

If you’re looking to hook up with a friend of a friend of a friend. Then keeping your mouth shut about dating her is going to help lower the potential cost of her hooking up with you. This is especially true for an Asian cultured society like Singapore. She doesn’t want others around her and you to know about you guys dating.

I used to purposely take a girl out of University grounds just for the sole purpose of not letting others know that we’re dating. Hooking up through social circles are the majority’s strategies to get laid. One way to get good at this is to have a wide social circle of friends. However, if you’re like me that doesn’t enjoy the mindless politics in maintaining social circles, then you might want to learn how to approach girls in the day and night clubs.

Normally, a guy is more invested before sex and a girl is less invested before sex. The power dynamic of the relationship flips after sex.  You’re no longer chasing her, and normally, she’s the one chasing you. The length of how long you’re able to be friends with benefits with each other depends on various factors. It’ll depend on both party’s abilities to keep things perfectly casual, which is tough. 

The power of choice that a woman had (whether to have sex or note) switches over to the man (whether to commit or not). If this power dynamic doesn’t switch, it usually a sign of neediness in the man and her attraction for him will not last. 

Let’s be honest here, one side will give way and want more out of the relationship. It’s no longer about the sex. Now, it’s about identity and attachment. So, assuming you’re not in it for the long run, how do you end a casual relationship on drama free note? 

If either of you aren’t ready for a committed relationship, the solution is to have a clean break, or take a break from have a purely sexual relationship. This means setting strong boundaries, setting expectations clear and for Christ’s sake: stick it to it. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve watched friends go back and forth with one girl. It’s confusing to look at and it often leads to a shit pool of un-needed drama.  

 

Mar 17

How to Pick up Girls in Clubs and Bars – The Ultimate Guide

By Marcus Neo | Dating and Relationships

 The majority of the guys will never approach a girl on the dance floor, or anywhere else in the club. They’ll loiter around her on the dance floor, attempting to grind up on her, or waiting for her to grind up on him. Is there a structure in picking up girls in clubs? Yes, and no. There is’s structure you can when picking up girls in clubs. If you want to meet girls in the the club, a lot of it is down to window opportunity and balls. You have to get through everyone in the crowd and go talk to her.

How to Pick up Girls in Clubs and Bars: Pre Party

You need to prepare for your nights, instead of spearheading in head on. 

  • Have Socially Savvy People to go Out With

When I started out, I invested in a dating coach for men and networked with other like minded individuals to go out with almost every other weekend. I made it a point to reach out to others to be more social. One way is to join social communities and forums and meet other guys who are serious about going out and meeting girls. 

There were occasions when the usual friends that I club with aren’t available on Friday or Saturdays to hit the clubs. Since, I’m someone who enjoys going to parties and events and make it a point to at least go once a week. I make it point to reach out to a group of friends who aren’t in my immediate circle.

  • Dress Well

Dressing well automatically puts you in the ‘cool guy’ category that and someone of influence. It makes social interactions and starting conversations a lot much easier. You’ll have more influence over the immediate social settings around you. I’d also like to mention that dressing well doesn’t just affect your own social interactions, but it also helps you feel more confident. 

  • The Positive Dominance Mind-set

You have a goal. The goal isn’t to ‘be social’, the goal is to go out and meet a girl. However, at the same time, you don’t want to be overly pushy. I call this the positive dominance mind set. One part of being masculine is being grounded. You’re not prancing around emotionally like a little girl. 

You’re strong, but relaxed. When you’re dominant, you start taking charge of leading interactions, not giving a fuck, taking girls by the hands, leading them to the dance floor etc. This helps you dictate the flow of social interactions. 

When you’re positively dominant, people are going to subconsciously (or consciously) look at you to make decisions within the group. Not to mention that leadership is an attractive trait to girls. You’re going to put yourself in a position to be seen as the guy who’s leading the interaction. 

Smiling helps a lot when approaching. You’re not giving people or girls an excuse to outright reject you. 

  • Being Social Throughout the Night

One other thing I learned about approaching girls in night clubs is that people wait too long to be social and to be in a social interaction. One of the advice from the pick up artist community that works quite well for approaching in the night club is to make sure you’re always in an interaction.

Your results can be maximized this way. This helps in social momentum as well. When you’ve gotten over your first few rough approaches, socializing and meeting new people becomes natural and fun. When you combine the adrenaline of approaching an attractive girl. These gives you a higher probability of succeeding. 

  • Have Fun!

When we’re going about our day, many of us are in a logical headspace, either from school or work. For months straight, I was either writing for the blog or catching up with academic duties. It can really hurt your social muscles.

Socializing is a creative activity. It is NOT a logical activity. In addition to that, thinking and obsessing too much about pick up technique or theory can mess your head up. How I deal with a logical headspace is to get into a social headspace by chatting with my friends, strangers, Hi 5-ing people in the club, having fun in general.

The ultimate rule of them all: bring fun to others. This includes your wingmen, your buddies, your friends and the new people you meet in a club. Think about it, why would others want to meet you unless you bring something to the table? If someone who dresses poorly just came up to you and creep up to you, you’re probably going to reject him or her. 

Flip that around and put yourself in the shoes of others. 

Ask yourself this: what’s valued in a night club situation?

Connections, fun, friends and alcohol. Unless you’re popping bottles (and your bank account) then you’d better be having fun and introducing people to each other. When you’re talking to strangers, approach attractive girls, and introducing them to each other, you automatically put yourself in a favourable position. You become the guy that everyone wants to know. 

If you feel good, the people around you will feel good. If you feel sexy, the girl around you will feel sexy as well.

Lastly, it’s common for someone to put himself under a fuck ton of pressure when going out. Unless you’re the kind of person that performs under pressure, it’s merely going to work against you.  I’m not huge into inner game self-talk. It’s unnecessary. 

Understanding the Flow of the night

Now, once you got all of that preparation down, you can plan your strategies according to the flow of the night. 

When you’re relying on your emotional state to approach, you’re going to burn out even before the night begins.  

The club is a chaotic place with people moving around, the influence of alcohol, drunk friends and pretty girls to talk to. You got to embrace the chaos. However, at the same time, you’ve got to have structure. Finding the balance is the sweet spot.

Having a rough picture of how a night should go and flow can help you wrestle back control, and start implementing what you need to do at different point of the night.

Figure Out The Sequence of the Night

  • Pre-Party

Depending on your lifestyle and your friends, you might be meeting up for dinner or pre-drinks before that. 

  • 1130 pm to 1230am

When you’re going in early at around 1130pm, this will allow you be start approaching in a social manner. This is the time where clubs aren’t that crowded yet. 

The ideal would be just to go in and start talking to the small groups of people and warm up socially. You’re rarely going to get a girl interested in you off the bat around this time. This time is about building some connections, getting some phone numbers, having a little bit of fun, and just letting lose a little.

  • 1230am to 230am

This is the point where you hit it hard and find interactions to commit to. This is where most ‘game’ comes into play. You’re approaching a lot, you’re getting rejected and you’re finding that one or two quality interactions that you’re going to commit to for the rest of the night. 

It’s rare that she’s going to be alone. She’s going to be with her friends, both male and female. You’re going to spend the majority of your time winning over the influence of her friends, asserting yourself with her and getting her to subtlety signal to her friends that she likes you, and wants to be with you. You’re going to go from stranger, to somebody who has mutual affection and interest in her. 

  • 230am Onwards

Ideally, you’ve also collate a list of numbers you’ve gotten for the earlier on. You can start texting them to gauge their level of interest and go for the ones that are highest likely to go back with you.

You’re also being more polarizing and finding out where you and she stand in the interaction you are in. 

This is the point where you’re ideally with a girl that likes you a lot and her friends are comfortable with you being around her (and potentially bringing her home). You’ve established to her and her friends that you’re interested in her sexually and her friends are alright with that.

Getting there is the part where ‘game’ comes in. It’s a fine balance between socially empathetic and socially dominant.

  • Taking Her Home 

Ideally, you’ve found a girl that’s interested in you sexually. She downs to have fun, her friends aren’t in your way and she knows how to deal with it. This is the part where you take full responsibility and you lead. This is done by finding excuses for her to go ahead with her friends and finding excuses for her to come back to yours. 

When you’ve figured out the rough outline of meeting women in clubs, you have an structural advantage the majority who doesn’t know what they’re doing. I see guys attempting to ‘day game’ from 1am to 2am. It’s ridiculous. What makes you thing some random stranger outside the club is going to go back with you? She’s probably on her way to another club, or on her way to meet her friends. Your chances are best IN the club. 

There is chaos in meeting women through night clubs, however, there’s an underlying structure beneath all of it.

How to Flirt in Clubs: Cold Read and Tease

Firstly, keep your sentences short and sweet. There’s no need to roll some golden shit off your mouth. The words that actually tumble of your mouth don’t really matter. Your intentions are going to matter more than the words said. 

Girls are fairly intuitive creatures and they can figure out your intentions. Girls don’t hear what you’re saying verbally, but your intentions. You can say whatever you want to, but your intentions are always louder than what you say verbally. 

Whatever that rolls off your mouth in the club, your intentions are going to say: I like you, that’s why I’m talking to you. She’s going to know what’s up.

Just in case, if you don’t know how to start a conversation with a stranger. Here are my two favourite lines:

“Hi, I’m Marcus”
“Hi, I just want to say Hi”

That’s it. Plain and simple. 

You got be comfortable at approaching strangers and striking a 5 minutes’ conversations. There’s a social momentum with it. Move on quickly from interactions that don’t go anywhere. Getting the initial approach down is just a small portion of the picture. It’s what you do for the next 5 minutes in the interaction that matters. 

The clubs are noisy, with loud music. You can’t talk much and you have to rely a lot on short sentences. People are there to have fun and not to have meaningful or deep conversations. I’m a nerd and enjoy nerdy conversations. However, in a club, you got to stick to short sentences, good body language, and physicality.

The club is not a great place to have long conversations, hence it’s important to know how to flirt with her physically.

Flirting with her physically is accomplished using non verbal communications. When you’re cold reading and teasing her, you should also standing really close to her. You can then touch her lightly on the elbows or waist, to gauge how receptive she is to your advances. Teasing her also shows sexual intent and interest

“You seem like a really friendly person, what’s with that shocked look on your face?”

There was a point where I was cold reading too much in the club. I had to fine tune my approaches. I had to limit my interactions to one cold read for the purpose to break the ice, and then move on to teases, role playing and flirting with her physically right off the bat.  If the girl likes you, she’ll be okay with you touching her.

Being Physical: Flirt and Get Physical Right Off the Bat

In a cold interaction, it’s on you to lead the interaction. You have to lead verbally, emotionally, physically and logistically. Girls, especially Asian girls, are not going to give you an inch of space. That’s because it’s deemed slutty or creepy for a girl to initiate a conversation. She’ll be afraid of how other girls will judge her in that moment if she initiated. 

Furthermore, the hotter girls are never going to lead for you. That’s because they get approached on all the time and are rarely at the leading of the interaction where they have to take charge. 

Here are some quick examples: 

“You can be my little sister.” + Hug.
“I’m kidding, you’re awesome.” + Hug

The push pull dynamic should be complimented with shoulder hugs or waist hugs. Rinse and repeat this process and you’ll get an emotionally charged interaction.

Touching a girl in the club also has got a lot to do with just grabbing it by the balls and being physical with a girl. Pulling the trigger and polarizing the interaction is more one of the key aspects of picking up girls in the clubs. 

However, it’s important to note that some guys go up and are immediately are too physical with the girl. That might get you massive attraction off the bat, but it’s not socially smooth and it’ll hurt chances continuity in the interaction. 

I know someone who can barely string a proper English sentence together. However, he approaches girls and claws them in with his muscular frame and attempts to kiss them within the first minute of the interaction. It’s a bold approach that polarizes girls immediately. 

You can also lead her to the dance floor to get physically intimate with her. It’s also a potential place to make out with her. However, there are just some girls that won’t go to the dance floor because she might just want to stick to her friends, or her friends might judge her for going to the dance floor with a guy and etc.

One tip I found out is to never ask, but to attempt to lead her physically. Just grab her by the hand, and get her to follow.

Re-approaching Her and Giving Her Space and Time 

More often than not, girls aren’t really receptive at the start of the night. They also won’t go home with you when they’ve just entered the club. They want to drink, hang out with friends, party a little, have a crazy story when they’re out with a couple of friends. You’re most probably not going to get much results from your initial interaction with her.

So what happens if you’re not making out with her at the start of the night? It’s simple, you get her contact number, leave the interaction, and talk to your friends or other girls. You can leave all your interactions, and re-approach her later. 

The entire club becomes your friend. You not only make new friends, but now, you have some social proof that you can leverage on to make more friends, and look popular and awesome in her eyes. 

One other common mistake I see is guys grabbing her and touching her on the get go when approaching. That’s great. That’s actually recommended. However, it’s not about just grabbing and touching her, it’s about calibration. Remember, two steps forward and one step back. 

In general, guys know immediately whether we want to have sex with a girl in a couple of seconds. Women require more time and information to make a decision on that. When you give her space, and show that you have empathy, you already stand out from 99% of the male population.  That’s also an attractive trait.

This can be demonstrated using statements like: ‘I understand how you feel’, ‘If I’m being too pushy, let me know’. 

Handling Her Friends

Some times, I hang out with a couple of guys from the pick up community, they’ll have intense battle plans and tactics before going into the club. They’ll select out their wings, come up with customized plans to ‘distract her friends’. It’s also known as the ‘isolation’ tactic that many dating coaches preach. 

Girls, especially the hot ones are going to be hitting the clubs as an entourage. They also feel safer and secure with their friends, so let them be! 

Secondly, what does it say about your value as a man if you have to resort to such tactics in order to get her attracted to you. It just merely means that you aren’t enough, and that you need to ‘distract’ her friends in order for her to like you. 

The better way to do it is to win the influence of her and her friends. It’s also a more sustainable manner.

I know, some times the friends of girls can be a major cock block. I’ve been there multiple times. The best strategy is to often kill them with kindness. Talk to the fat friend. Imagine how she feels when her friend always gets all the attention when they go out to the club and she gets completely ignored.

Some times, things may not go your way. She may be overly invested in her friend’s opinion of her rather than actually having fun in the club and meeting people. If two people lead a codependent relationship, there’s not much you can do to convince them otherwise. They’re not right for you, you simply have to move on. 

The first rule of social skillsets is this: make it fun! Come from a point of adding value to someone’s night. Don’t be a social leech. Bring fun and add something to the group.

If you’re dressed well, and are having a good time and experience good emotions, you’ll automatically feel good and be able to ‘add’ to the fun of someone else’s night. 

Talk to her guy friends and acknowledge them. If you notice something cool about someone, be it a guy or not, then say it. It’ll show that you have social intelligence. Furthermore, everyone likes to be appreciated and talked to

Most of the times, the most beautiful girl will have the highest social value in the group. The group will more or less compliant to her. Sometimes, you won’t actually have to win her friends over, as they are all following her lead in the interaction.

However, that’s not always the case. It’s your job to lead in conversation, physicality, and logistically. How good you do this will determine if the rest of the group would comply or tell you to fuck off. 

You’ll have to aware of the self-interest of everyone at given point of time. What are their intentions and behavior? What do they want? Do they like the same girl as you do, and if so, how are you going to manoeuvre yourself in a socially savvy manner to get the girl that you want.

Here are the general guidelines when faced with confrontations: 

  • Kill Them With Kindness
  • Make Him Look Like He or She One Taking Out all The Fun
  • Move On to The Next Interaction
  • Hook Them up with Someone Else

One other thing that helps a lot with immediate influence is your dress sense. If you’re dressed like you’re an influence, people will defer and give you more leeway in social settings. Lastly, there’s no way about it. Getting good at this requires guts and rejection. You’re going to piss someone off in the process of getting what you want out of interactions. You cannot please everyone.

How to Pick up Girls on The Dancefloor

The dancefloor in the club can be considered the meet markets of the club. Think about it, the tables are for huge social groups. The bar is for people to get drinks. The dancefloor is actually the place where girls and guys go to meet each other. It’s rare to find a guy approaching outside the dancefloor. Even if so, if he’s to approach in the dancefloor, it’s normally through body language, and less words.

  • First Rule is To Have Fun

Having a ton of fun and putting on a smile on your face is the first step to attracting more attention on the dancefloor.

Approaching a girl on on the dancefloor is either through body language or just going up to say Hi. There’re no other forms of communications that I’m aware of.

  • Less Words more Dancing

The dance floor is a messy place, with guys, girls, music and all of that jumping. It’s close to impossible to have a verbal interaction on the dance floor. The dance floor is where you have to approach strong and make your prescene known.

You’re going to have problems in talking in long sentences. Short sentences like saying Hi, and asking her for her name is alright. The key is to get physical as fast as possible. Either with shoulder hugs, dancing beside her, or grinding behind her.

  • Lead Like Your Life Depends on It

Don’t ask for permission to move. Just grab her by the hand and go to the dance floor. The majority of pick up is just grabbing life by the balls and just doing it. It’s assumed attraction.

  • Speaking with Your Body: Physically Escalating on Her Fast

Unless she’s really into you, it’s not a good strategy to just go up behind her and grinding her.

Even if so, there so many objections: her friends, she doesn’t know you, she doesn’t even know your name. It’s better to dance beside with light shoulder touches be a way to flirt on the dance floor, and then move on from there. If they are comfortable with that, then move behind them. If they’re comfortable with you being behind them, then make a move by holding her waist. 

You can also strike minimal conversation to stand out. 

Once you’ve ‘opened’ using body language or verbally, it’s time to escalate and lead. Firstly, dance by her side. Then escalate by putting your hands on her shoulder or her waist. Then proceed, to dance behind her. Then turn her around with her facing you. Then the make-out.

The rule of thumb is similar to all other interactions: always be leading.

Learning how to pick up girls on the dance floor is a subtlety. Sometimes you approach verbally and say Hi, before dancing. Other times, you approach physically (dancing) and say Hi.

Think about it. The guys that don’t know about ‘game’ is still getting results in the clubs in spite of having ‘no game’. They don’t think about fanciful openers, role plays, or intricate push/pull techniques.

They merely rely on their gut and go for it.

Our social brains are evolved to pick up signals from the opposite sex. It’s just that because of past negative experiences, traumas or conditioning, we then convince ourselves with our own stories that somehow we’re not good enough, not attractive enough and that “she’s probably not interested in me”.

I used to think that there’s an ‘escalation’ ladder when it comes to touching girls. However, there are many times that you end up kissing a girl without even holding her hands or hugging her even. Emotions occur in the moment. 

  • Not Putting Her on a Pedestal

One other big insights I had from picking up girls on the dancefloor is that most of us put hot girls on the pedestal. This is especially so in the club where a vagina is somewhat the most valued currency, second to the guys splashing their cash on tables and drinks to impress the girls.

Combine this with just about every other mainstream advertising campaign that’s where you get pussy being put on the pedestal.

This is where techniques and lines has it’s limits. It’s our own self worth, our own beliefs of our attractability, and out own beliefs about people, girls and ourselves that hold us back.

  • How to Handle her Friends?

There are going to be instances where you’ll get rejected. Her friends will pull her away and give you a creep stare. It happens a lot, especially in more conservative cultures. Here’s the truth: you can’t control other people’s behaviour. You can only control your own behaviour.

The rule of thumb is to make friends with her friends. Be friendly, yet assertive. This takes a little intuition. Look at her body language, is she worried about what her friends think? Is she looking for approval from her friends. If so, you should then adjust and befriend her friends.

On other occasions, I think it’s alright to just go for it. If she’s alright with it, her friends will be alright with it.

Like all other areas of getting good with girls. You’re not going to do well on the dancefloor if you don’t have your basics such as body language and your fashion sense down. Intentions are also a big part of picking up girls on the dancefloor. Some times, I see guys approaching girls like mechanically like machines, most of the time it just doesn’t turn out well. 

How to Take Her Home

The principles on how to take a girl home from the club is similar to how to take girls home in general. You got lead like your life depends on it and relieve her of the pressure of feeling like a slut. 

So what are the signs?

If you’re making out heavily and she’s all over you. It’s safe to say that she’s down. Some other signs include: she isolates herself from her friends with you, she’s willing to take your lead or she’s willing to grab supper with you. This can only be found out by leading in the interaction. This can be accomplished by making leading statements: let’s grab supper. Grab her hand, and lead without apology. You got to be fully responsible for seducing her. 

Mar 16

How to Keep a Conversation Going with a Girl Over Text

By Marcus Neo | Dating and Relationships

Here’s a general rule of thumb: your texts should where the social interaction was left off. If you’re rushing to work, approached her and only had a two minutes’ interaction, then you’re expected to text a little bit more before asking her out for coffee. If you’ve already built a great connection with her during the first time you met her, then it’s not expected for you to text a lot. Questions to ask yourself: Is she attracted to you already? How well do you know each other? Which part of the interaction are you at? What are the underlying assumptions in your interaction?

How to Keep a Conversation Going with a Girl Over Text: Three Strategies

  • Call Back Humour

You can stand out through your first text by referring to something funny you had during your initial interaction with her when you first met. It commonly referred to as the call back humour.

“Rachel the Chinese teacher! Don’t stay out too late, you have more Sun Tze philosophies to brainwash unwilling teenagers.’

  • Tease to Keep the Conversation Going and to Find Level of Interest

Check out my guide on teasing, you should be able to get creative with role plays, push-pull and misinterpretations.

  • General Rule of Thumb 

In your text messages, you need to keep it playful, light-hearted in the beginning and see how things flow from there. You should not try to make plans too early on, avoid going into interview mode, such as asking logical questions. Only go for the meetups using the soft close if there’s she’s flirting with you to and fro on the phone.

One important philosophy when it comes to texting is to keep in mind that time is your ally. One mistake I often make is to go to the meet up too early. This might work in Westernized cultures. However, in some cultures, especially Asian ones, girls love to text and going for it is merely going to get you rejected. You also need to calibrate in accordance to context, a lot of the material you find online can be quite ‘Westernized’ and you can come un-calibrated in an Asian setting.

How to Keep a Conversation Going with a Girl over Text: Having a Solid Interaction

Getting her number shouldn’t be a big deal and should only be done after you built a genuine connection. This is part of having standards and being more optimal. I try to set up specific plans during the initial interaction. This helps her to differentiate you from a stranger to a potential romantic partner. The goal of getting a girl’s number is to re-initiate mutual contact, demonstrate that you’re not a creep whilst texting her and ask her out.

You need to also pay attention to the context you’re in when going for her number. Sometimes, asking a girl out for coffee in front of her friends works well in Western cultures, whereas, in Singapore, it’s going to put a lot of social pressure on the girl.

I recommend going for the soft close when asking for her number and asking her out through text.

‘Hey, are you adventurous, how do you feel about drinks or coffee with a cute a Singaporean boy?’
‘You seem like a nice/interesting person to talk to OR *insert something genuine and interesting you had in your interaction*, we should grab coffee sometime.’

If She’s Not Responding

Is there a right way to text? How about the length of the text? The time of the text? How about the fucking number of blue ticks?

I’ve had tons of interactions that seemed to go well in real life but didn’t turn out into anything. It is something that is out of your control. Ever made out with a girl in the club and she ignores the exact next day? You start worrying and start thinking to yourself if she’s playing mind games. You then start playing mind games on your end… and she doesn’t reply once again… and you think she’s still playing mind games.

There’s no need the play mind games through texting. I’m not a huge fan of waiting X number of hours or days to text. Texting a girl is a two-way street. If you’re always pushing from one side and she’s replying plain, boring and dry responses, it means that she’s just not interested. There should be some sort of reciprocation from her. You need to remind yourself that an attractive individual doesn’t worry too much about women not texting him back and merely moves on.

Mar 15

Where to Meet Women – The Guide to Stop Swiping and Hoping

By Marcus Neo | Dating and Relationships

The quantity of girls you meet is going to be solely dependent your ability to meet women. If you get good at approaching girls, you’ll will increase the number of girls you meet. If you develop good communication skills, it’ll will help with the converting your leads to dates, awesome sex and girlfriends. So, where can you meet women? Let’s take a look at what meeting women really entails like.

Where to Meet Women: The Warm Market

The warm market is how 98% of men meet girls. The majority of male uses the warm market, aka his social circle for his dating opportunities.

  • Social Circles

Social circles are mostly made up of old friends, colleagues or school friends. Cultivating great social circles is a good strategy for the guy who’s patient enough to cultivate and upkeep these social relationships. I personally know of guys who are naturally great a keeping and maintaining different social circles with groups of guys and girls.

If you hit off with a stranger and assuming you’re someone who got things going for yourself, then just simply ask them if they can join them for that event.

You can simply just say: I’m completely new here, can I join you guys?

To get invited to private parties, events, all you got to do is to just ask. However, before you ask, you can’t be a dickhead. This means having an ability to make others feel comfortable and appreciated around you.

If you’re looking to start or keep your own social cricle, start organising or start joining people for hang out sessions. You can also be the leader of your own social circle. Instead of joining and fitting into other people’s social circles? Why not create your own, with the current people you have in your life?

I made this mistake when starting out. I merely put myself in other people’s social circles. I resisted the idea of ‘bossing others around’ initially as dislike the idea that I might be controlling others. However, as I got better at social skills, it’s hard not to take note that you’re the one that people subtlety looks to make decisions, I naturally become more of a social leader.

You can be the one to organize, plan and execute on events. This can be your core group of friends that you hang out with on a weekly basis at the bar.

You can start inviting girls and her friends you approach (that aren’t romantically available to join you for your event):

‘Hey, you’re really nice to talk to, let’s keep in touch, my friends and I are having drinks this weekend, why don’t you come and join us?’

The downsides of relying on social circles is that they tend to be extremely limiting to the people in the group. Hitting on girls in your social circles may also cause friction in Asian cultured friends groups because after all, Asia is a tightly knitted society. For EG. If you and your friend likes the same girl in the same social group, there may be some friction involved.

  • University

University is THE PLACE to be social, meet new women and it’s one of the last time in one’s life that you’re put in an environment where there’s an endless supply of dating opportunities. In hindsight, I regretted not taking advantage of my first year in University.

You may choose to ignore your social life and focus on your grades up in University. That might work for you for your grades, however, that’s not going to do much for you for your social life and your dating life.

I noticed that many Singaporeans a lot of weight on academic success and forget that University is one of the last periods of one’s life where you get to meet A TON of people in one environment. I’m also surprised that many of these students don’t leverage their University platforms to expand their dating pool.

There’s research that our relationships contribute to a huge percentage of our happiness. So yes, loosen up and make new connections. Stop being too cool for school. Joining a co-curricular activity in University is one of the best outlets to expand your dating opportunities, you can join a co-curricular activity that you’re interested in.

The downsides of relying on social networks in University is that you may inflicted by politics. It can also be demograpically limiting as you’re exposed only to your University network.

  • Colleagues 

There’s an old (read: Asian?) saying: one should not shit where they’re eating. Basically, don’t date your colleagues.

I find this limiting. Firstly, I’ve dated my colleagues. It’s doable. It’s how you go about it that matters.

Here’s how to do it without any drama: If you guys are not exclusive, there’s no need to announce it to anybody. Just don’t. Keep your ego in check. Keep it under wraps so that she won’t look like a slut in other’s eyes.

You’ll also need to handle the relationship responsibly with boundaries. So as long as both partners are responsible and accountable their own actions. If you’re able to separate romance and office life, dating your colleagues is perfectly fine. So don’t limit yourself.

However, just like social circles, your demographic is severely limited to your colleagues. If you’re an engineer (like many of my friends) then you’re more likely going to end up working in an all male environment.

The Cold Market

Now, let me introduce you to my favourite subject and the point of this entire dating advice blog: the cold market.

There are tons of advantages to the cold market. Firstly, you can choose who you want to approach. You aren’t reliant on external factors such as office politics or if she shows up to class or not. You have absolute control of who you are approaching and you aren’t limited by any demographic.

Secondly, if you are out of University, not looking to rely on dating apps or agencies, then getting competent at the cold market isn’t an option.

  • Similar Interest Groups and Networking Events

Starting out, I didn’t really practice much of cold approach strangers on the street. I leveraged on University and interest groups such as yoga classes. Similar interest groups and social, networking events can be an avenue to expand your dating opportunities. The key here is to be bold in talking your target. Just go up and introduce yourself.

You can use:

There are events specifically for dating and singles such as speed dating events. However, I’ll not recommend them as your first outlet as you’re going to sacrifice a little on the quality of girls you’ll meet at singles events. That’s just an ugly truth. This is the same as using dating apps: the majority of quality girls aren’t being chased, they aren’t spending their time looking for partners in speed dating events.

  • Tinder and/or Online Dating 

In general, I don’t use dating apps to meet women. I also don’t recommend Tinder, online dating and dating agencies. Let’s be brutally honest here, quality women aren’t spending their time swiping right on Tinder. Here’s an ugly truth about dating. It’s all about economics: demand and supply.

Remembered your time in school where there are only a couple of of beautiful girls in your cohort and almost every single guy found themselves infatuated with the same couple of girls. There you go. Demand and supply.

The economics of dating suggests that beautiful women are always in demand. The majority of physically attractive, high-quality girls aren’t staring at their phones on a Friday night. They are out at social events, at the most popular nightclubs and getting hit on by a ton of guys.

This is why if you’re only relying on dating apps for your dating life, you’re going to limit yourself to a certain demographic.

Secondly, if a beautiful girl is already getting so much positive social attention in her social life, you can also bet your last dollar that 99.5% of men in these apps are going to swipe right on her online dating profile. You’re also measured and judged by a limited number of words and profile pictures on your Tinder profile. How are you going to stand out through a limited dating profile? You’re up against negative odds.

However, assuming that you’re stuck in a deadbeat and you require something to get you going. Using Tinder or other dating apps to get things going can be a good thing.

  • Dating Agencies/ Paid Dating Events

It can seem ideal, meeting Mrs perfect who is recommended by a ‘trusted’ someone or company. All you got to do is to pay the bills, show up and things will magically fall into place. However, reality often doesn’t pan out that way.

I don’t recommend paying a someone $100 per hour to sit across a table with an unknown stranger. If you’re not getting results in your relationships, what makes you think you’ll actually be able to build a passionate relationship with someone that’s recommended by someone determined by a ‘dating resume’.

Ultimately, if you’re reliant on dating agencies to hopefully meet someone, you’re NOT developing yourself as a person, you just filling up a resume, hoping you show up and do well on a date. You aren’t making any effort to develop conversational skillsets, overcome anxiety, build self awareness, develop social intelligence and confront of that difficult issues that brought you to a dating agency in the first place. Sorry mate, you’ll be that EXACT same person who needed a middleman to fix you a date on a Friday night.

The Cold Market at Scale: The Cold Approach 

  • The Cold Approach

The cold approach is termed coined from the pick up artist community where you just walk up to a girl anytime, anywhere and introduce yourself. Getting good at the cold approach will open up your dating opportunities to almost anyone that’s seemingly approachable. You can choose to meet girls on the streets, shopping centres and just about any daily mundane social situations.

The downsides of this philosophy is that the cold approach is a skillset you need to get down. You’re not going to get good at this on your first couple of tries. This requires practice. Cold approaching is ideal. However, it’s difficult. You’ll need to understand the mechanics of sparking something out of nothing. This isn’t just walking up any girl, throwing up a bunch of lines and hoping for it to stick. There’s a process behind it.

Here’s my guide on how to approach girls.

Note for an Asian reader: It’s not uncommon for Asian parents to tell you to not to talk to strangers whilst growing up. Asians are commonly stereotyped to be more conservative, shy and withdrawn. This is further re-enforced by Asian culture: talking to strangers is a weird thing. For every stereotype, there’s some truth to it. When I was traveling in Western cultures such as Europe and the United States, people are a lot more socially open as compared to Asian cultures.

However, you’re not limited to your culture. If you want to get good at this, screw the stereotypes and take action.

  • Clubs

I’ll categorize meeting girls in clubs under cold approach similarly. That’s because you’re still attempting to spark something out of nothing.

It safe to say that you’re going to get a more open response in clubs. It’s a more socially acceptable action to approach a girl in the club. Women in clubs are expected to be approached. This is true whether be it in Singapore (my home country), or other parts of the world. Clubs are also meant to be meet markets.

The downsides of clubs is that it takes up a lot of time and money. That’s because of the nature of clubs. If you aren’t taking her home on that night itself, you’re going to need to normalize your interaction with her to solidify your lead.

Closing Thoughts

I personally think if you want to get good at this, developing basic skillsets like starting a conversation with women in social events is going to get your results. However, if you really want to be great at this and have choice in your dating life, you need to get down the skillset of cold approaching girls. Lastly, meeting women is not just approaching or putting yourself infront of dating opportunities, you also have to curate a lifestyle you are proud of, present yourself positively and become an overall attractive individual.

 

1 2 3 6