Mar 14

If She doesn’t Text Back for Days – What to Do?

By Marcus Neo | Dating and Relationships

I remembered pouring through heaps of books, theories on how to text a girl, analysed text messages and even went as far as to get my friend to text a girl for me. Understanding how to text a girl was one of the biggest problems I had when I first started out.

I don’t enjoy texting as a means of communication. I often lament that I am much more confident in person than behind a mobile screen and tend to say something obnoxious over text. I also don’t enjoy texting as it’s time-consuming.

When you’re facing the screen, you can’t read expressions. You can’t figure out what she’s feeling, whether she’s shy, interested or bored. Or if my joke has come off the wrong way. This doesn’t help for someone who enjoys dark, sarcastic humour that can come off the wrong way.

However, in certain cultures such as the Singapore dating culture, texting is part and parcel of everyone’s social life. Through the years I accepted the fact that texting is a staple in modern dating life and that everybody does it.

If She doesn’t Text Back for Days

If you’re constantly worried about her not texting, you back. You should ask yourself this: what would an attractive man have done?

He wouldn’t feel the need to be texting all the time. He’ll only text back when he has the time to. He’s living life on his own values. He is living life based on his own values, not on how the other person responds to him. He doesn’t worry so much about what the other person is going to think, or reply, or respond.

One of the core tenets of attracting women is to be self-invested. Being self-invested means valuing your time, having a life, working and filling your days with stuff that you care about and being too hung up if some cute lass isn’t texting you back.

It’s said that a character of a person defined when no one is looking. You shouldn’t be too hung up if a girl isn’t texting you back. If you have shit to do, you won’t be too hung up on her replies.

The Psychology of Texting: Do The Heavy Lifting in a Real Life

In general, you should just ask her out as soon as possible. I usually ask a girl out after I get some sort of a to and fro interaction going. If she’s not willing to go out with me there and then, she’s probably not interested. You also don’t need to text as much since plans are set up. I also find that dates that actually go through are dates set up no longer than a week after she agrees.

I much prefer to do the heavy lifting in person. The entire point of dating is to have a face to face interaction. However, being extremely poor on text is something is going to hurt your results. She needs to know that you’re a cool person over text.

It’s noted that some demographic of girls do react positively to cutesy lines you come up with over text. It’s just something I don’t bother putting too much effort into. It usually also doesn’t work out well for me if I get too creative with it.

I’m not a huge fan of building a connection over the phone. There are more important things in life staring into the phone all day long being text buddies. There’s a rarity that a girl’s schedule is so packed that she can’t squeeze a couple of texts in. If she isn’t replying you back at all, then I’m sorry, she just doesn’t like you enough to put you a priority in her life. Simply move on.

Mar 13

How to Touch a Girl

By Marcus Neo | Dating and Relationships

Your ability to touch a girl and be physically assertive is going to make up 80% of your success with women. From personal experience, the majority of guys have problems with being comfortable with their sexuality, displaying sexual interest. This is why 98% of men hover desperately around women in clubs on the dance floor not daring to make a move. I’m going to spend some time talking about sexual shame before getting into any technical strategies.

How to Touch a Girl – Sexual Shame

Sexual shame occurs when any of us feel inherently wrong, immoral, unworthy of our own sexuality. Sexual shame holds us from asserting our sexual desires. It can come from traumatic past experiences. It could be coming from an overly strictly family upbringing or culture. It could be being emotionally or physically abused when you’re young. Conquering shame requires quite a bit of introspection.

I’m Asian, stereotypically, Asians are perceived as introverted and aren’t seen as sexually confident. Sex is also often seen as a taboo subject in Asian culture. Sexual shame is one of the biggest problems that Asian cultures face, for example, Japanese people choosing to stay single and unmarried.

On some fundamental level, you may believe that women do not want to be hit on, that women do not like being touched. You may belief that it’s wrong to touch a girl or if you’re physically assertive with a girl you’re ‘bad’. The first step to being more sexually comfortable with women is to re-orient our beliefs towards our own sexualities. You do this by first being aware of them and secondly challenging those beliefs.

I know of this one acquaintance of mine that gets laid regularly. He approaches girls aggressively right from the get go. He grabs them right from the get go and doesn’t ask for any permission. I’m standing there thinking: he’s going to fucking embarrass himself. Low behold, he eventually actually gets a couple of girls giggling and ends up kissing them.

When was the last time you saw a beautiful lady walk down the street and you wished you could to pin her against the wall and ravish her right there and then? Now, this is a truth, this entire attracting women thing is by nature polarising and controversial. Some are going to think you’re a creep and the right ones will appreciate you for taking the lead. If you need to be accepted or liked by everyone else, you’re going to be pushed around in subtle ways and not so subtle manners.

If you’re in the nightclub and you are afraid of what her friends might think about you if you are sexually forthright. You have a boundary issue. You’re essentially taking responsibility for other people’s actions and emotions. You don’t have to be responsible for other people’s actions and emotions. Those are not your problems. That is a problem that nice guys face, trying to please everyone and end up not asserting themselves.

Ultimately, you’re going to have to assert yourself and you’re get rejected at. Their reactions are out of your control. Confident men go for what they want without apology and are willing to ruffle a few feathers along the way. You can’t be sexually attractive without being disliked by some.

On Sexual Assertiveness: Our Emotional Realities

Psychologist Robert Glover make the argument in how an absent parent can be the making of a ‘Mr Nice Guy’, who constantly fails to assert his needs in his life. I also observed that people with difficulty in this area of their life (including myself) often have a history of a troubled childhood.

This could be overly strict parents, a religious upbringing, abusive, absent parents or past trauma.

It’s researchedthat people growing up without a father figure suffer from a diminished self concept, behavioural problems, truancy and poor academic performance and a host of other issues. Psychologists also argued that the father figure is important to a boy’s development of identity.

They may feel a sense of abandonment, betrayal, not being able to fit in and feeling different. Without paternal approval, boys may experience emotional pain that leads to attempts to prove themselves. This includes intense competition with other men, engaging in risky behaviors, criminal ‘tough guy’ behavior, intending to scare the world into seeing them as men. This confidence is a bravado that’s derived from overcompensation.

There’s the second argument, during the pre-industrial period, fathers bring their kids to work day. Father and son worked side by side from sunrise to sunset. This was seen as normal. Fathers taught by example, apprenticing their sons into trades, simultaneously imparting lessons on hard work and virtue.

However, during the industrial revolution, fathers abandoned the workshop for a place at the assembly line. There is a clear line drawn between home and the workplace. Fathers left for work in the morning and didn’t come home for 10-12 hours. Child rearing is left in the women’s hands. Hence, you get a generation of men who spent all their time with Mum, growing up with Mummy issues.

No More Mr Nice Guy

It’s only by confronting these issues head and getting comfortable with your sexuality, that you develop a matured form of confidence, instead of being an overcompensating prick. You may not think you’re one of ‘these people’. However, if you constantly find yourself feeling deliberated in your interactions, getting involved in toxic relationships, choosing bad partners, then there may be something there, you’re just not aware of it.

When I started being a lot more introspective about failures and decisions in my life, I found myself pissed off and hurt at many past events and got really angry at a lot of people around me. When you’re confronting these emotional realities, developing weird beliefs or finding yourself in angry phases going to be part of the process. That’s normal, inevitable and a necessary part of your growth.

The process consists of being introspective about past events that might have lead to current issues. The idea is to get in touch, process and grief through the emotions you avoided or suppressed through the years.

For example, if you feel numb or detached in intimate situations, why is that so? Is there a fear of vulnerability? Is it a fear of abandonment? If you fail to assert yourself time and time again with women, why is that so? Is there a feeling of not being good enough? If you’re too afraid of speaking your mind or going for what you want in life, why is that so? Is there a fear of failure and rejection?

In many ways, this single ability submarined my business, dating life and along with many areas of my life. I was afraid of confrontation and going for what I want.

How to Figure Out Your Emotional Truth

  • Writing

Writing letters and emails can be helpfulfor expressing/ reflecting on your genuine thoughts and feelings. For years, I used writing as tool, I wrote journals, I wrote letters to the people explaining misgivings I had against them. It all helped.

  • Seek Out Role Models

One way to you can feel more masculine is by taking part in group activities and learning to work with other men in groups. Developing male relationships helps undo your monogamous bond with Mum. There’s research that suggests that there are benefits to doing things together such as having a beer at the local bar once a week. Group activities build bonding and a sense of camaraderie.

You can also take this opportunity to examine your relationship with your own father and seek out healthy male role models.

Male friendships have the potential for depth and intimacy because there is no sexual agenda. With men, there’s no pressure to be someone else other than who you are. There’s no need to please, placate or lie that a lot of men tend to believe they have to around women.

I used to stick to individual activities such as martial arts or hitting the gym. However, I realized that group activities can better my relationships. One of my proudest moment in recent years was accomplishing a common goal working on a marketing project side by side with a friend.

You can seek out mentors that help you achieve your goals. I always attempt to surround myself with men who have traits that I look up: accountability, integrity and the ability to challenge themselves. David Deida, a popular writer on masculinity argued that masculinity is like a boat in an ocean, spearheading it with a direction and forging a path. Traditional masculine traits often entail accountability, confidence, decisiveness and a go-getter’s mentality.

I also recommend you to form relationships with men who not only have traditional masculine traits but the ability to open up.

  • Therapy

Forward thinking dating coaches have found out that the lack of confidence around women is partly rooted in sexual shame, that is often rooted in one’s past experiences, childhood. This is why pick up artists, often after years of going at it, find themselves often chasing a phantom and are often more or equally as miserable as before. They don’t solve the root problem: their own emotional issues.

There may underlying emotional knots that hinders you back in this area of your life. This can stem from a fear of rejection. This can stem from negative belief. The more the shame, the harder it is going to be.

One the options you can use to facilate this is psychotherapy,

Unfortunately, learning how to touch a girl can’t be overcome by solely hiring therapist. However, the only way is through. Overcoming your shame through real life interactions is the only way you’re going to get better in this.

How to Touch a Girl: The Art of Sexual Confidence

There are general levels to to work your way up. You’re not going to approach a girl and have sex with her right there and there. There’s a progression to it.

Projecting a sexual vibe the first important tenets in learning how to touch a girl. Plant your feet firmly into the ground. Show her then you’re willing to take up space and you’re willing to intrude into her personal space. Show her that you’re a potential sexual partner and not some random stranger, furthermore, you won’t be able to touch her if you’re not standing near to her.

You can be pretty confrontational in your body language depending on how comfortable she is. Squaring up to her demonstrates confidence and openness. One way you can project this is to look deep into her eyes whilst conversing and inch your body closer and then pull away, as if you’re teasing her by leaving a vacuum in between.

The Indirect Escalation

Handshakes, shoulder and elbow touches are strategies you can use to break physical contact. You can use these touches to punctuate your sentences and jokes. For example, you can lightly tap her on her elbow after making a joke.

The indirect escalation is the art of using these minor social gestures in conjunction with the push pull dynamic.

If she’s comfortable with physical proximity, you can hug her by her shoulder her like a good friend does to see if she’s comfortable with further intimacy. It’s an innocent move with both your bodies facing away, yet, your arms is resting on her shoulder like your good friends. It’s a good way to escalate physically in nightclubs.

  • Push

“We’re getting divorced. You keep the kids, I get the house and the dog.”

This is a push. This can be followed up with a slight push on her shoulder.

  • Pull

“I’m kidding, you’re awesome, I love you.”

This is a pull, you should be pulling her in for a hug by the shoulder, neck or waist, depending on where you are at in the interaction.

Repeating the push-pull dynamic and rinsing them will generate opportunities to hug her, kiss her or to move things forward.

Direct Escalation

There was once I attempted to kiss a girl and she cocked her head backwards in disgust and asked me what was I up to. I plainly told her that I was trying to kiss a girl I desired. Yes, my behaviors were a little un-calibrated, but it displayed boldness. Even though I was rejected, I asserted myself unapologetically and she was actually turned on by that.

Starting out, I was weak in this area. My style of attracting women was more laid back, conversational based. This laidback attitude rendered ineffective after a while. The more polarizing you become, the more you’re expected to initiate. She’s going expecting you to move things forward and want to fall into her ‘femininity’. Take this whatever way you want, however, this is my personal experience.

Sometimes, coming up with witty push pull-strategies gets repetitive. Hence, going direct can effective. If you’re on a date and things are already going well, you can say: ‘you’re beautiful’ in an authentic manner. Step in and lean in to kiss her.

It boils down to intentions. If a behaviour is expressed unconditionally in the moment, it’s an attractive behaviour.

However, it’s NOT attractive to verbalize when or how you’re going to touch a girl at every step of the the interaction. Saying out loud: “I’m going to hold your hands now” and then holding it is pretty awkward. It doesn’t display confidence either because of that fact that you need to ‘verbalize’ and somewhat ‘seek permission’ to do it.

The Comfort Point

In my experience, if you get to the point where she is comfortable with you holding hands with her, the rest is going to flow quite naturally. Holding her hand can be initiated just by holding her hand straight out or taking her hand and leading her somewhere when you’re moving locations in the nightclub or different locations on a date.

  • Sexual Comfort, Kissing, Making Out 

Choosing the right spot and knowing where to sit will facilitate physical intimacy. You can sidle up to her and hold her by the waist whilst sitting. This is most done on a date or an isolated setting. You’ll be surprised at how much girls are receptive to this, especially in a nightclub situation. There’s an element of sexual tension when standing close to her, holding her by her neck lightly and touching slightly at her waist or arms.

You then progress on to light kissing, make outs and then touching her at erogenous zones. The rest is usually history.

Some of these stages are going to be more applicable than another in different situations. Some girls are going to be comfortable kissing you in front of her friends, and some are not. You need to be empathetic, most girls do not want to look easy, you need to see what she’s comfortable with and what she’s not comfortable with. It’s all about calibration.

Closing Thoughts

From personal experience, the main problem majority of us face out there waiting for the green lights. Here’s the truth: There are no green lights.

Your ability to be sexually assertive is going to determine if you end up with many female friends or girlfriends. This skillset is also going save you a lot of time and increase your results.

Your inability to be physically dominant even if she has given you all the clear signs is going to bleed through your interactions. She’ll be able to intuitively feel if you’re not really what you make up yourself to be. It’s going to come off in that slight hesitation.

Lastly, she’ll never assume the responsibility of moving the interaction forward. In my six years of pursuing girls, it has rarely happened. You have to be the one that puts your arm around her shoulders. You have to be the one that puts that arm around her waist. You have to be the one that takes her hand and pull her to the dance floor. You have to be the one that turns her around to face you on the dance floor. You have to be the one that has to go in for th

Mar 09

How to be More Social – Bring Awesome People in Your Life

By Marcus Neo | Dating and Relationships

Looking to be more social, connect with like minded people and grow your own social circle? Through my twenties, I traveled a lot and exposed myself to different social situations rapidly. I never bothered to stop and build a social ecosystem. Ironically, for a dating/ social coach, I didn’t really value my social ecosystem and relied on cold approaching for my dating results.

In hindsight, I made a huge mistakes in my own social life. I didn’t have proper boundaries and severely undervalued group think. Like many marriages that are doomed for failure, a lot of my relationships fell apart as I outgrew them. I attempted mending and altering my behaviour to fit in, however, it only reaffirmed my views and it didn’t feel right the next time round we met.

This is why the ability to be social and connect with others is crucial. You don’t want to be stuck with boring, apathetic people that constantly live in the past. Personally, I want to hang out with people who want to do interesting activities with their lives. I want to be around people who are positive. Not the down and out or the apathetic.

How to be More Social – Building Your Social Ecosystem

The majority of my clients come to me looking for a specific dating result: mostly, get a girlfriend. They aren’t looking for  a lifestyle change. However, if you were being honest to yourself, how many of the people around you, you spend time with because you aren’t feeling lonely? Either that, you have outgrown them and you’re afraid of being alone. This is especially true for a Singaporean, Asian context, you stay with relationships with your old school friends.

However, if you are risk taker, a go getter and somewhat entrepreneurial, you may find a disconnect with your peers after a couple of years. It’s not difficult to see the difference in values when I meets some of my old friends. They are employed, playing it safe and looking to play it even safer as they got older. I’m still looking to build a business, travel and explore what life has to offer.

Defining the Exact Type of People You Want

Contrary to popular belief, I don’t really enjoy solely hanging out with successful entrepreneurs. I met one who’s young and monetary successful. However, he lacks social skills and rather spends his time at Thai Discos than the local club hitting up real women. He’s also really bad with time management and ghosted me a couple of times. It’s a deal breaker.

Looking back, I never really sat down in my life and say: hey, what are the people I’ll like to have in my life. I even attempted to subtlety groom the people around me into the people with characteristics I desired: engaged, fun, empathetic and driven. However, it’s merely a time sink. You can’t help someone if they do not desire to be helped.

Today, I am looking to connect with people that I want to do fun and interesting things with their lives. For example, go to parties, travel and do interesting things like scuba diving. I also look for values like empathy, the ability to stay engaged in a conversation and the ability to relate.

Here some of the demographics of people that I brainstormed for myself:

  • Men

Entrepreneurs or people that are into self development in general. Men that are looking to go out and do something proactive with their life. They also need to have minimal social skills to be able to relate to people and not be an asshole. (In Asian culture there are a lot of highly successful men with a total lack of social skills)

  • Women

Somewhat similar to the men’s category. The type of women that loves partying, social events and is a natural social connector. If she’s into self development that’s a huge plus point. The type of person that enjoys going out to art events, sporting events or doing something engaging or proactive with her life.

It all falls back down to having social skills. Can you make someone feel comfortable and at ease without the expense of your own personal boundaries?

Social Skills to Build Your Social Ecosystem

Now that you have define the exact characteristics and demographics of people you’ll like in your life. It’s time to hone the social skills so that when you do go out to events, you’re able to connect with them.

The guides to how to be more social:

If you are able to host your own little parties and events can be a value add to your social sphere. This way, you become naturally a social connector for the people in your social sphere and that’ll encourage them to introduce more people your way. Ultimately, the ability to be more social is not only crucial in your professional life, but also in your personal relationships and life.

Mar 04

How to Tease a Girl

By Marcus Neo | Dating and Relationships

Learning how to flirt is a charismatic mean to escalating your interactions from a social one to a romantic or sexual one. It’s a necessary routine of modern dating. If you want to be competent in this area of your life, learning how to to flirt with a girl is a key skill that you need to learn. Flirting done right is demonstrating your intentions without out rightly saying it. Flirting also adds in sexual polarity your romantic interaction.

How to Tease a Girl: The Ultimate Guide

“In life, people tend to wait for good things to come to them. And by waiting, they miss out. Usually, what you wish for doesn’t fall in your lap; it falls somewhere nearby, and you have to recognize it, stand up, and put in the time and work it takes to get to it. This isn’t because the universe is cruel. It’s because the universe is smart. It has its own cat-string theory and knows we don’t appreciate things that fall into our laps.”

– Neil Strauss

  • The Art of Premise

80% of the art of flirting is in art of setting a premise. It’s the idea of evaluating the person your dating for as much as they are evaluating you. This not only balances out the power dynamic in the relationship, it also creates a ‘love/ hate’ dynamic between you and her.

Think of premise like being a doctor, as opposed to the pushy salesman. You have a problem, I have a solution and you’re the one that chooses to take up that solution. People don’t like being sold to, they like buying.  I’m not going to push it in your face.

This analogy is exemplified in the luxury products industry. Their staff isn’t pushing their luxury products in your face. You’re the one pining to be in their shops to get the that limited edition of that particular product.

In this case, you’re attempting to be the luxury product, and she’s the buyer.

Premise is the context of which you establish any relationship. If you find yourself constantly chasing, putting in an effort and not getting any investment from her end, you lack a premise. You may also lack relationship boundaries.

For example, if you set the premise as the nice guy who always makes himself available to her, she’ll perceive you as that nice guy. That’s your premise for your relationship with her going forward. If you find yourself constantly trying to chase her, you’ll need to set the right premise and evaluate her as much as she’s evaluating you. You introduce premise through flirting. It’s harder to change that precedent of a relationship between you and her from there as opposed to establishing it early.

Of course, setting a premise in itself is limiting in itself. You need to be able to walk the talk. If you’re self-invested, then it’s part of your personal values and not some phony trick you pull out of your pocket. You can use this either strategy as a bluff or can it part of your reality. I recommend the latter.

  • Art of Push and Pull 

The push-pull dynamic is a term coined by the pick up artist community to describe a commonly used technique of flirting. If you understand push pull, you understand 80% of the art of flirting. It sends mixed signals, intentions and builds sexual tension.

The Push

The push is when you ‘push a girl away’ with a tease or a something negatively playful. For a push to work, you got to do it in a tongue in cheek style.

Here’s an example of a push:

‘That’s kind of annoying. We’re totally not going to get a long’

The Pull

The pull is when you say: ‘I’m kidding, you’re actually pretty cute’. It’s normally done after a ‘push’. This creates an “I love you, I hate you dynamic” which is girls find fun and arousing. Yes, there’s research that suggest that mixed signals build sexual tension.

To perform the push pull correctly, you’re not supposed to do it to get a reaction from the girl. You’re teasing her in a tongue in cheek manner, and also in way that it subtlely displays interest. It’s NOT about using it as a ‘technique’ or a ‘line’. When a push is done right, she’ll laugh, hit you on the arms or give you a slightly shocked looked.

You can then pull by saying ‘I’m kidding, I love that you’re slightly annoying. It’s pretty cute’.

The ‘pull’ is when you say something that pulls her back in to soften the push. The pull also can be a qualification. You can qualifying her for her personality traits that are non-physical. It also demonstrates that she’s special that you’re not dating her just for her looks.

If a girl I’m out on a date with says something smart, I could say: “You’re kind of a huge nerd. However, being smart is kind of cute.”

You see the push and the pull in one sentence? I’m calling her a nerd and saying it’s a good thing.

Only pushing in the interaction will make it seem that you’re only interested in insulting her. It’ll also demonstrate that you’re actually afraid of show your interest for her and that you’re using teases as a way to means cover up your lack of confidence.

The OG of push pull

  • Role Playing

Roleplaying is one of my favorite go tos. The one I used to milk is the husband and wife role play. I use to milk this line I was starting out:

“We’re getting divorced, you’re keeping the kids, I get the TV and the music”

Other role plays dynamics can be girlfriend boyfriend dynamic, the crazy ex girlfriend, teacher and student and anything can mean a potentially sexual interaction. You can also use the same role play time to time throughout your interaction.

  • Stereotypes

Stereotypes are fun to play with. You can play around with common cultural narratives and jokes that are unique to your culture. In Singapore (my home country), there’s a stereotype known as the ‘ah lian’. If a girl is ah lian, it means she’s outspoken and unkempt. I used to milk this stereotype as well. If she is wearing spectacles, you can tease her about being nerdy. If she studying law, you can tease her about being an intellectual snob.

“I have this idea that everyone from [her country] is [borderline racist stereotype].”

  • Embarrassing Physical or Personality Trait

This can be done through an observation about an embarrassing physical or personal trait in her even if you’re just guessing and she doesn’t actually display that trait. If she does something clumsy, or loud, or attention-seeking. You can tie the behaviour to a children’s character, or an immature youth and then expand on it to ridiculous proportions.

You can use conversational jump off points about her job or about her current mood and link it back to something childish.

This should also be done positively, and not negatively. That’s the difference between a tease and an insult.

Two friends: “You are the sensible one, aren’t you? She’s always having dumb ideas and you have to make the decisions before everything goes disastrously wrong.”

“You’re a bad girl. She’s a nice girl – I can see it in her eyes. You’re trouble. I don’t trust you. My mother warned me to stay away from girls like you.”

“You’re the older sister, right? Always watching the baby one and keeping her out of trouble.”

  • Qualification

Can you make someone feel special just through words? The idea of qualification is to appreciate and screen a girl for non-physical traits that you value in a girl. It’s important for you to sit down and ask yourself what do you like and not like about girls in general. Instead of using it as a technique, you should do this as a personal standard you set for yourself in your life.

Some of the traits that I value in a girl is intellectual curiosity, nurturance and kindness.

You can actively qualify these traits in your interactions with girls. Not only these demonstrate that you have standards, it also screens out girls that you actually enjoy being with. You can ‘screen and qualify’ a girl by asking her in a kind of doubtful tone about her personality traits. You can ask her about stuff that she does for fun, the books that she read, the movies that she likes.

Note: Qualification can be used at the wrong time and place. One of the classic mistakes I see is guys asking a girl if she can cook in the middle of a club. It’s totally out of context. You need to use qualification in context.

  • Disqualification

Taking care of yourself, dressing well, qualifying and showing direct interest to girls can yield you results.  However, it is not going to take you all the way.

Take the hot girl example, 99% of men are looking to do anything to date them. I’m also talking about really hot girls. The 8, 9s and 10s. If you played that similar game as the majority, you’ll NEVER get close to dating her.

It you take a look at that hot girl walking down the street, you can bet that 99% of her male friends are willing to give up time, effort and resources to get a chance to date her. You’ll also bet that she isn’t interested in any them. 

This is where the the art of disqualification comes in. The basic idea of disqualification is to actively demonstrate to someone, that she may NOT be a right fit for you.

If done right, they’ll qualify to you, value you and you’re getting the relationship based on YOUR term. To properly disqualify girls, you need to be of value first. However, if you built value, displayed status and demonstrated you’re a win for her. Then you can actively evaluate the girl you’re.

From personal experience, a lot of girls aren’t ready or able to receive compliments or interest in a direct manner. This is especially true for Asian culture. They may even feel awkward if you express interest directly. Yes, she’s going to be attracted, however, you’re going to get seemingly positive responses that go nowhere if you’re trying to punch above your weight class (and you should)

That’s because she isn’t invested in any outcome. She isn’t chasing. She hasn’t invested. If you’re outrightly showing interest, she knows she already won you over right from the start. You are also putting all of your cards on the table without any form of investment on her end. You’re giving away too much power too early on. She also doesn’t really feel truly appreciated by you. That’s because you haven’t ‘qualified’ or ‘disqualified’ her. Only by actively approving, disapproving, taking and giving validation, you get her to chase and emotionally invest.

However, if you’re not completely won over yet, then it gets interesting for her. One of the ways to elicit this is through disqualification. It creates a gap between you and her and gets her to think ‘Who the hell is he? I’m hot, however, this guy doesn’t seem to want to get with me. Why is that so?’

It’s puts in her head: ‘am I not good enough?’

Here are some disqualification lines you can use:

‘You seem… interesting…’
‘You have the silliest/ most adorable expressions’
‘Your trouble’
‘You and I are so not going to get along’
‘You’re actually kind of cute’
‘You would make a great girlfriend/ wife if you weren’t so X’
‘You’ll never get into my pants if you keep doing that’

They all subtly say: I’m interested but I’m not quite sold yet, you got to show me more. I’m also screening and judging you if you are a right fit in my life. This old school frame works up till today.

The technique of disqualification is based on the idea that by disqualifying yourself as a potential sexual partner, you send ambiguous signals and she’ll end chasing you.

When you qualify yourself or her, you’re basically saying: I like you, that’s because I like some of your personality traits. However, when you disqualify a girl, you’re saying: it’s not going to happen between you and her.

Disqualification should be used based on context. For example, if you sense that your interaction with her is getting a little dry, you can add disqualification to spice things up. If you feel that she’s not comfortable with you, perhaps she doesn’t feel special enough. You should stop disqualifying and start qualifying (the opposite).

There was this one approach with a Korean girl at the club. I approached her with a direct approach. I held her cheeks in my hands and leaned in as if to examine her face. She seemed interested until the point where I threw in a disqualification.

“You look like my younger little sister”.

Her face changed immediately and she signaled her friend to walk away. In this case, I wasn’t congruent with my direct approach, where I approached her expressing interest directly. It has its right time and place in a situation.

How to Flirt: Combining Verbals and Non Verbals

  • The Blatant Escalation

The first way to do it is to escalate blatantly. Think about it, which truly confident male would resort to too many techniques to touch her. The truly confident male does it because he feels and wants to do it and doesn’t resort to lines or methods to get there.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with the push and pull style of flirting, childish teases and coming up with role plays. However, these techniques can become repetitive and boring. If you’re over reliant on verbally flirting, then you’re going end up with a lot laughs and a weird physical void. Sexual tension is never really reliant just on words. Through touching her outrightly, you’re also displaying comfort with your own sexuality. If you like her, then express it directly, there’s no need for too much fanciful flirting. You are a sexual man and you can show it.

However, the cons of esclating directly is that you’re displaying too much interest. She already knows she has you. Secondly, you’re not getting any investment from her end, you’re not making her chase, you’re not making her wonder. You can kill sexual tension just by escalating too much.

  • The Push and Pull

Just flirting with her with words isn’t enough. You’re required to add physicality at some point of the interaction or she’ll sense that you’re just masking your confidence with clever lines. Note: The more attractive you become, the more girls to expect you to lead the interaction.

However, not to worry, the art of flirting verbally and non verbally falls back to the same dynamic of push pull. For example, you push her away with a tease and pull her back in with a shoulder hug or front hug. Rinse and repeat this push-pull dynamic and you’ll get an sexually charged interaction.

Here’s a sequence:

[Tease Verbally + Touch]

“You’re either the really independent type of girl or so you’re one of those pretentious bankers with that suit and tie. I’m just kidding, I really like the outfit, it has kind of a sexy secretary look to it.” +  Shoulder Hug. 

Through delivering this line, you can calibrate and adjust accordingly to her level of of interest interacting with you. Once her hands are on your shoulders or her shoulders on yours, you can leave it there for a bit see how comfortable she is with it. One of the golden rules of flirting physically is to assume that you’ve known her for years. You then take it off to avoid seemingly like a creep and keep the ambiguity of the interaction going.

If haven’t notice by now, there’s a couple of push and pulls verbally and non verbally in this process. This push-pull model is rinsed and repeated in different variations during different phases of the interactions and it builds sexual tension.

Closing Thoughts

Utlimately, flirting is a core skillset you need to get down to move your interactions forward. Girls do it, guys do it and everyone does it. It’s the way people introduce sexual polarity between each other then. 

Mar 03

How to Stop Self Sabotaging

By Marcus Neo | Self Improvement and Social Skills

However, why do some people effortlessly cruise through life and why do some people fail, year after year, repeating their same screws up in multiple aspects of their life? There are decades of research that points our behavior is rooted from our unconscious and seemingly derived from our past (childhood experiences). 

Yet, the majority of advice ignores this aspect of emotional life. I began to take an interest in psychology when I realised I couldn’t get to bed at without stuffing a beer down my throat during my first year in University. On one hand, that experience frightened me, but on another hand, I realized I needed to research this area of life.

How do people end up in positions, that they don’t want to end up in the first place?

Think of the rebel, the school drop out, the bankrupt and the convict. They are apathetic, and indifferent to certain areas of their lives in a certain manner. I asked myself, why do some people freeze up and get stuck for years? Why do some people have to exert huge willpower in get certain areas of their life right? I self sabotaged and deleted my projects year after year. Why do you have a constant nagging and self critical voice behind my head?

Self sabotage plays out in other areas of our lives as well: dating partners that you aren’t really interested in, avoiding emotional intimacy, not showing up for University classes, not putting in the required effort in work, rebelling without any cause or objectivity, not finishing what you started and more. I was that student who who didn’t go to school, missed test after tests, didn’t purchase the required textbooks and yet constantly rates himself as someone who was ‘intelligent’.

How does Self Sabotaging Occur

Self handicapping is researched to be a cognitive strategy used to avoid effort in the hopes of keeping potential failure from hurting our self esteem. Students don’t study their tests to their best of their abilities in fear of potential failure and they won’t be ‘as smart’ as they thought they would be. 

I was like that for the past decade. I avoided tests, didn’t study for them at all, and barely made it through my first year in University. This was done with the excuse and subtle arrogance of: if I had studied, I would have done so much better”.

This plays out in our dating lives: not asking a girl out, not asking her for her number when she’s obviously giving you positive signals, not texting a girl early enough, afraid that she’s not going to reply, not dressing to the best of our abilities, not hitting the clubs when you’ve obviously spent hours and hours thinking and preparing for it, are the multitudes of manners all of us fear rejection (despite contrary evidence that she likes you) and self handicap ourselves. 

Habitual self handicappers may also constantly pass up emotionally healthy individuals to date and are always dating girls who are married or in committed relationships or have constantly glaring emotional issues to date. This can also play out in your dating life by choosing emotionally abusive, absent partners over and over again.

Some people are fortunate to be naturally charismatic from young, with women. They are called the ‘naturals’, some people like me have to learn it to a certain extent. Some people are ignored right from the start, had to learn it, got good at it, however, are still stuck emotionally when they are ignored.

This is the guy that has has multiple PhDs but still beliefs he is dumb. This is the guy with 6 pac but still beliefs he is sexually un-attractive.

  • Self esteem

One common way people self handicap is to make the task they want to achieve much harder than it is. This pans out through alcohol consumption, choosing unattainable goals, refusing to perform a technique or task or technique. This is done so that if he or she fails, they can put the blame of these self created obstacles.

Once being a competitive martial artist, I notice in the self handicappers that they’ll drinking the night before a competition. Or not putting in the required practice and drill time for the fight.

  • Self Doubt

When there’s constant self doubt, the constant tension in your head invariably leads to hesitation and procrastination. It causes you to push the brakes with one foot even as the other is pressing on the accelerator. 

There’s no overnight fix for this constant self doubt in us, just like a host of other issues. The key is almost always awareness to your critical inner voice and regularly to contest those self defeating thoughts and beliefs. 

  • Past Trauma  

There may be disparaging messages you inherit may have come from overly critical parents. This might be because they might have set unrealistic standards for us during our developmental age. They may consistently tell you that you are not good enough or incapable. 

If you weren’t positively encouraged for failing as a child, your avoidance and procrastination may be shielding you from the emotional pain you experience back then many years ago when you weren’t prepared to handle the humiliation by overly harsh parents. 

It’s researched that a wrong style of parenting can internalize negative messages in children. If you are raised to fit only a certain mould, your place is to serve the parent rather than the parent augmenting your self, that when you form a continual and nagging self doubt. You’ll invariably be fearful of giving credit for fearing of being seen as arrogant or behaving selfishly. 

The child who grows up with a secure attachment can rely on their caregivers to meet their needs. This secure attachment bond helps lay the foundation for good relationships and self image in adult life. Insecure attachment is characterized by failure to meet the needs of the child by caregivers through inconsistency or insufficiency. This type of attachment theory can lead the child to question his worthiness and may contribute to the development of a general sense of self doubt.

The Compulsion to Repeat

Why do people subject themselves to some sort of abuse, or even self abuse in the form of physical, emotional or even sexual? Why do people stay in totally abusive friendships, romantic relationships, jobs and rationalize it away?

If you take the Freudian approach, you’ll say that, that is because when they are a child, that’s a form of love they’ve been conditioned to. They can’t feel love any other way. Some people can only feel loved when they are abused, abandoned or neglected. 

How to Stop Self Sabotaging

  • Cognitive Restructuring

There’s no easy way around how to stop self sabotaging. The first is the most common manner of learning new mindsets and ways of thinking such as cognitive restructuring. Cognitive restructuring is the orientation of belief and some form of behavioural conditioning or another. You’re attempting to re-wiring your belief systems on a cognitive level.

  • Therapy

Over the years, I’ve shared my experiences in psychotherapy. However, I’m always met with skeptic looks or hiddens thoughts of: ‘I had a happy childhood. This doesn’t apply to me.’To many people, discussing the unconscious is sounds like a whole lot of crap. People that go along with this are often heard saying: “stop crying, just man the fuck up and get a long with life”.  This is especially true in an Asian, Confucianists culture, it’s difficult to have an objective view on your parents and upbringing. No one talks about it.

One of the ways to stop self sabotaging is to understand your own behaviour, process the trauma and get help from a clinical psychologist. The research backs this up as well, with patients being more successful if they took a long term approach to it. The majority of my friends I recommended never started, or drop off after once or twice. They then go back repeating similar behaviours, hence a compulsion to repeat. You’re covering the leaking wound with a bandage after bandage, never healing the wound it self. 

People who have not made effort to understand their unconscious motivation from their past behaviour will be deemed to repeat it. 

Closing Thoughts 

One’s behaviour is the root of many of your decisions, success or failures. It determines if you finally dumping that crappy ex boyfriend of yours, to start attending University lectures or to start a business. The ‘why’ you do something and why you don’t is rooted in your behaviour. You either take it seriously, and understand it, or not.

Secondly, our beliefs and emotions are researched to largely biased and unreliable. What you believe and feel true at any given moment, may be totally wrong. Only when we step outside ourselves, beyond the padded walls of our minds, that you can gain a wider perspective of the issues at hand. This is hard to do.

Something I learned from therapy, is that numbness, denial, apathy, anger, hurt and sadness are often sandwiched in-between each other. The way to heal and grow is to see it for what it is, and not to deny, avoid or idealize it. Getting in touch and processing the hurt, anger and sadness is a painful process. This requires introspection, therapy and confronting self esteem issues rather than will powering through it. However, it’s definitely worth it in the long run.

 

Mar 02

How to Ask Someone to be Your Mentor (and Why Find Mentors)

By Marcus Neo | Self Improvement and Social Skills

One of the biggest mistakes I made when I started as an entrepreneur is that I tried to do it all alone. No mentors, no friends and no guidance. I would sit in Starbucks, only be productive for an hour or two and sulk for the rest of the hours. The time that could have been invested in other areas of my life. Sometimes, I would even be ‘proud’ of that fact that I spent a whole day ‘hustling’.

This is why you need to seek out mentors. When you’re out seeking out mentors, you need to understand that relationships take time and effort. When you are in University or at work, your social relationships are a product of circumstances. You don’t really consciously ‘work’ on your relationships. You just assume they are just going to be there forever.

However, assuming you’re intending to graduate, then pay attention and listen.

Mentorship Create an Environment for Success

How does our external environment play a role in determining our success? Our environment does play a huge role in determining our habits and our behaviour. Humans are a lot more reliant on environmental cues than you think.

You often hear: ‘all you need is to hustle’. That’s rubbish. Hustle isn’t the answer. You and I are all cognitive misers and our behaviour is influenced by our environment more than you think. We’re social animals and we’re all evolved to socialize in groups. This why your groups, networks and closely knitted social circles exist. Especially so in Asian culture. You also eventually need people to bounce ideas from, to get feedback from and to talk about your problems.

Getting good at seeking out mentors or like-minded individuals is important, whether you’re in University or starting out your own business. 

There’s something to be said about creating an environment of inevitable success. If you got bills to pay, you’ll be damned sure you’re waking up on time to get to that sales appointment. However, if you’re waking up in comfort and breakfast is served to you, you’re going to slack off.

When I studied at Berkeley on an exchange program, I was alone but independent. I had to be fully accountable to my health, my social life and my academic performance. It was a lot of stress. However, I ended up performing well.

However, back in Singapore, my academic results are often lacklustre. I also noticed that when I came back, my habits quickly fell back to negative ones. I couldn’t wake up on time, my bad dietary habits came back and I started feeling restless and moody.

So what made all the difference?

Firstly, in the States, I had the freedom to flex my identity. In Singapore, nobody knew me as the academically excellent kid. My grades were average at best. Through the years that’s how I identified myself as. In the States, I could be as scholarly or nerdy as I desired.

Secondly, there were no rebellious students, no one to party with on the weekends. No one to fool around with. Just me, the library and my school notes. I was also shit scared of wasting thousands of dollars invested in my summer program.

So how can you create an environment such that failure is NOT an option for you? In my experience, the biggest periods of growth in my life happened because I had no other alternative. I had no way out but to succeed.

The Peer Group Effect

You need to ask yourself who are the people you’ll like to hang out with at this point of my life?

Here are some ideas:

  • Young and driven entrepreneurs 
  • Young and driven professionals
  • People that dress well and carry themselves well.

How can I connect with people from such demographics? Where do these people spend their time hanging out? They aren’t certainly hanging out at heartland malls at 12am on a Sunday night (which was what I was doing with a long time friend of mine). 

They are probably attending business events, doing Yoga classes, doing martial arts classes or partying at the hottest parties on the weekend. 

Here is what you can do: draft out the characteristics of the people you’ll like to connect with, find out where they spend their time, invest my time in these demographics, and then connect with them. You can also reach out to them via email and get them out for coffee.

Connecting with someone can be as easy as listening to their stories. Successful people often have untold stories that’ll like to share. You can learn so much from sitting for 1 hour over coffee with someone.

How to Ask Someone to be Your Mentor: How can YOU Value add To Their Life? 

So how do you ask someone more successful than you to be your mentor? In the real world, almost everyone ranging from entrepreneurs to business owners often look for people with skillsets or work ethic. Let’s take school for an example, why should a University let you in if you DO NOT have value or the results they require?

If you have got no assets, no skills, no business, no nothing, you’re a pair of legs with close to nothing to offer, your value to the world is glitch zero. You’re not going to differentiate yourself from the hundreds of others that graduated from in the same University as you did.

The simple method to create be of value to anybody is to always ask yourself: how can I be of value to others? You need to bring minimally something to the table. This can come in the form of connections, invites to events, or minimally the ability to make others feel good about themselves.

There are heaps of YouTube videos, free content published on the internet. There’s NO reason that you are not able to cultivate a skill set to be of value for people more successful than you are.

  • No Skill sets? Simple, Just Listen

Finding mentors can be as easy as reaching out through email and getting their advice or a particular subject. 

However, successful people are normally busy people. If you put in effort by putting their needs first, taking their advice, following up on that advice and then telling them what you got out of their advice, then you’re one step to actually getting them out for coffee.

If you get to the point of getting him or her out for coffee, then it’s as SIMPLE as paying attention to him or her. Get advice and ask questions. You’ll be surprised that the majority of people do not pay any attention to these tiny details of asking questions, making someone more successful than you feel good.

You can learn conversational skill sets such as actively listening, how to get people to open up, how to compliment others, empathize with others and make them laugh. These basic conversational skill sets can be your basic value-add to anyone, that can be used across cultures, anywhere, any part of the world.

It’s rare to find someone who’s willing to listen to their problems without judgement. Everyone likes to be appreciated and listened to.

Conclusion

If your current peer group isn’t ‘resonating’ with you, then you have to be proactive about making steps to connect with more successful people.  You’ll need to audit who you spend your time around with. If you’re always spending your time around people who don’t have much of a life going for them, then, needless to say, you’re not going to have much of your own.

If you want to get better at life in general, it’s important for you to surround yourself with people that are ahead of you. Not to mention that quality relationships contribute a lot to our happiness and emotional health.