Dec 02

The Virtues & Downsides of Online Dating

By Joseph Bryson | Relationships

If you think about it, the fact that a huge number of modern relationships start on an online dating app isn’t really that surprising.

The internet has allowed for us to be more connected than ever before. We’re using it for business, we’re using it to shop and we’re using it to communicate with our friends and family, so why wouldn’t it also be used for romance? It makes sense considering it motivates out actions perhaps more so than anything else.

It’s not a new thing anyway when you think about what the actual function of it is. The internet has made it easier, but this sort of thing has kind of been around for over 300 years.

Even some 17th Century newspapers had personal ads for those seeking romance, and is that really any different from modern online dating? So really, it’s an entirely expected result of the internet becoming more advanced and more widely used.

Some people think it’s the best thing in the world and has made finding someone much easier, and others think it’s a waste of time and some believe that only the most desperate among us would resort to that.

Now, those who call it desperate are obviously just being jerks, but there are points to be made from both sides of the argument. Let’s have a look at some virtues and some downsides to online dating.

 

Virtue: The Options are Endless

You know the feeling when you’re single and you walk into a bar expecting to find someone you could potentially date or at the very least go home with for the night. Even if you’re confident, there’s only so many women there.

Even among the ones that are actually single and are looking for someone to meet that night, there’s still going to be many that you’re not compatible with. And as for the ones you are compatible with, are you going to talk to them that night?

How can you be sure that’s going to happen? Are you going to talk to every single woman in the bar? You won’t be able to, and that will turn what should be a fun night into a very stressful one. Online dating is not like a bar that has fifty women in it.

Now, there are over 30 million people in the United States alone using online dating sites and apps. That’s three times the population of Sweden. Let’s throw out a rough estimate here and assume that in your area, there are 5-10 thousand women on dating sites that you could potentially talk to.

That’s more people than you’ve spoken to in your entire life. And even if you are only genuinely compatible with a fifth of that number, that’s still a thousand women. Under what other circumstances are you going to find a thousand potential partners?

Online dating is unquestionably the path that will give you the most options.

Downside: Face to Face Communication is Always Better

It’s great that we are well past the days when if we wanted to talk to someone who wasn’t in our immediate vicinity, we had to send them a letter and not hear a response for possibly weeks. We can now write a message and have someone on the other side of the world respond in a matter of seconds.

Nobody will deny that this level of connectivity is indispensable and very useful for making new potentially romantic connections, but humans communicate most effectively when we are actually face-to-face.

This probably dates back to the earliest humans who could only communicate in person but it’s not like we’ve evolved past that, body language, tone of voice and facial expressions are still a huge part of how we express our thoughts and feelings.

And you get none of that in text form and even if you’re talking on Zoom you’re still not getting it entirely. So if you spend a lot of time communicating with someone through text before actually meeting them, you won’t know what they’re actually like.

You might end up with unrealistic expectations of them that they can’t fulfil. Or conversely, you might think that someone isn’t right for you, when you would feel the opposite way if you had initially met them in person.

Virtue: More Upfront information

Whilst it does generally depend on the app or site that you are using, you are going to have access to more information about the person you’re talking to. Some people will say that this is actually a downside, but I personally find it difficult to agree with.

Yes, there is a certain excitement to mystery and if you already know a lot of stuff about someone then it leaves you with less to talk about and discover, but at the same time, the more you know the better you can judge the likelihood of you actually being compatible.

You could have a conversation with someone and not realize until you’re an hour deep that they have a view which you find bigoted, or go on a couple of dates before realizing that you want completely different things out of a relationship. Online dating makes this less likely.

Downside: Cat fishing

You meet someone in person, you can see them and hear their voice. Online they could be anybody. They could be a different gender who is afraid to openly admit their sexuality or someone old and lonely who feels like they’ve missed their chance at love.

Sometimes cat fishing is very sinister and predatory, and sometimes it’s just a case of someone using older pictures of themselves or lying about their age, career or level of fitness. Either way, you don’t truly know who you’re talking to until you’ve met them.

That’s a downside for sure. Hell you might even be tempted to do this on some level yourself. But that’s not fair, you should be truthful and the stuff you feel compelled to lie about probably isn’t as big of a deal as you think anyway.

But if you do feel like you’ll get more responses if you were more in shape, get some exercise equipment and get to work. Or if you feel like you’re in the wrong line of work, start exploring your options. Don’t waste your time lying because the truth will come out eventually.

The most important thing to remember, is that online dating is not the only option. If you feel like the downsides are more significant, then meeting someone in a bar or through your friends or a hobby hasn’t gone away. You can still take that path.

These days, millions and millions of people are using online dating, and you can basically guarantee that you’ll be able to find someone through that method. So even if you are skeptical, it’s worth looking into.

Nov 18

The Difference Between Love and Affection

By Joseph Bryson | Relationships

Love and affection are two words that are intrinsically linked. They are of course similar in many ways: they are both feelings that we harbour for those of us in our lives who are most important to us. 

The Difference Between Love and Affection

Most of us don’t really think too deeply about it when it comes to these kinds of words, and we do have a tendency to just use them interchangeably. But they are actually quite different from each other in definition.

Although they are just words and we can kind of use them as we choose and be a bit liberal in our personal definitions, but when we look a bit more deeply into these actual sensations, we can see that there are two distinct feelings and that the different words are warranted.

This doesn’t mean that you are using the words wrong or that you should alter how you express your personal feelings, but it is interesting to note why we feel a certain way towards certain people and differently towards others.

Both of the words are expressions of endearment, and positive sensations which are based around strong relationships, so what exactly is it that differentiates the two from each other?

It’s somewhat complex:

Love is perhaps a word that we all use a little bit too liberally. We throw it around like it means absolutely nothing, when in truth, love is a feeling that means a whole lot, and that should be reserved for our deepest inclinations.

There are different kinds of love of course. The one we think about most is the love that we have for romantic partners, and the interesting thing about that is it’s the only one with which the use of the word is deemed very important.

When it comes to love that we feel for our family, our friends, or even for things that aren’t human or aren’t living, we don’t make any kind of big deal about saying it. We tell our family we love them from the first moment that we can speak.

We tell our friends that even if we don’t necessarily mean it, and that’s okay because a friend isn’t really a lifelong commitment or an obligation. We even say it about food. “I love Peking duck, even though I only tasted it for the first time five minutes ago.”

And that’s all fine, nobody really questions it, and if they do they’re kind of just being a pedantic jerk. But for your partner, when you choose to say the words “I love you,” it’s intended as a turning point in your relationship.

It’s the moment that it goes from something that’s primarily based around discovering shared interests and personality traits, going on dates, doing fun things together and probably a whole lot of sex, to a genuine commitment and an expression that you’ve fond something you want to last.

And all of us are capable of feeling that, though for some of us it takes a bit longer to find it. That all depends on a few different factors, like maybe it’s just because you like playing the field more than you like settling with one person and that’s absolutely fine.

Or maybe it’s because you are more guarded with your emotions and you struggle to let people in and that’s also not something to be ashamed of. But regardless of any of that, it’s a word that has power in romantic relationships.

Unconditionality

And why is that? Well that brings us to what I believe sets love apart from other feelings such as affection, and that’s that it is reserved for something that is unconditional. What are you really saying when you say that you love your partner?

You are telling them that you want to commit to them, that you feel strongly that if you share your life with them, you will be happy. And going a little deeper, you are acknowledging their flaws, insecurities and whatever differences you have and accepting that you can look past them.

Love takes you over those hurdles, it gives you strength to resolve problems that you might face in the future which you may not be able to resolve if you didn’t feel so strongly for the person. It is constant and impossible to shake no matter how hard you try.

And you can feel this for your friends in a way that’s non-romantic and built on a foundation of trust and companionship, and you can feel it for a piece of entertainment or a work of art in a way that makes you feel like you can appreciate the beauty and enjoyment of it over and over again.

So in a way that is unconditional, but it doesn’t have the responsibility of a romantic relationship. You can drop friends you thought you loved if you don’t feel like they’re a positive presence in your life anymore, but that’s not as easy with someone you have a family or a home with.

In that way, it’s understandable why the word love is so much more powerful when it’s attached to romance than it is when used in any other context. And this brings us back to affection and what differs here.

Because affection is not unconditional. Affection is what you feel in those early days of a relationship that we discussed above when it’s not about all of the commitment and compromise that comes with a truly loving, romantic union.

Affection is light and fun. It’s hugs, it’s flirtation, it’s a one night stand after a few too many drinks and it doesn’t have to mean anything. That initial attraction you feel when you’ve been talking to her for a few hours and you want to reach out and hold her hand or make a joke so you can hear her laugh.

That’s affection, and that’s not unconditional. You want to hold her and kiss her but if you leave the next morning and never see her again, you won’t be hurt by that. And if you have an argument, you don’t feel an incentive to work through it. 

That’s the real difference here, and it’s important for you to be able to separate these two feelings in your own mind. Love is lasting, patient and resilient in the face of adversity, whereas affection is spontaneous, energetic and can slip through your fingers with little consequence.

Oct 28

How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back without Being Desperate

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

I get a lot of: “how to get my ex-girlfriend back” questions and requests. The majority of them don’t eventually end up being a client. The majority of these clients coming in, they’re actually looking for a short-term solution when they are outrightly asking “how to get your ex girlfriend back”. I’m going to address this in this article of firstly how to get your ex-girlfriend back, and secondly to have the right mindset about this.

How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back without Being Desperate

These clients probably got dumped out of the blue and now they’re trying to get their ex-girlfriend back. There are solutions to this, short-term solutions that will rely on game theory and short-term psychology tactics. The first short-term strategy you can use is actually using the pick up artist concept of: changing the frame. When you change the frame, you are changing the underlying meaning of the interaction between you and her.

So firstly right, let’s assume that you are the one being dumped.

Let assume you are the one chasing her, trying to get her attention back, trying to get her back in your life, and almost pleading with her. The underlying frame of the interaction is you are being dumped and you are chasing her back.

So Marcus, what do you mean by changing the frame? When you change the frame you’re actually reversing the rules. This means, demonstrating that: we have broken up, I’ve moved on with my life and I have better things to do, and I’m going to lead a life with or without you. This is what I mean by the underlying meaning behind changing the frame.

This can be demonstrated when you’re texting, this can be demonstrated on social media, this can be demonstrated when you speak about each other within your social circle assuming that you have mutual friends.

Of course you know in Asia it’s pretty … a tightly knitted society so news do get around. So yes, one of the most simple ways is to actually, you know, demonstrate that you are actually doing well in life without her. So that can be easily demonstrated on social media unless she blocks you (read: which is a pretty smart thing to do.)

I know so many couples that have broken up, they still text each other for some inane reason, and normally there is always one partner that’s trying to get back the other. Or there’s like some level of resentment and they are still trashing things out. Or both sides are being really reactive and there’s a whole, you know, rollercoaster dynamic right there, so one of the best ways to actually change the frame through a texting perspective is to actually give neutral responses, right?

Instead of pleading or trying to get her attention or trying to bribe her over with money, compliments and all of that. It’s better to give neutral responses in your text messages.

For example, if she’s trying to get some validation from you or she’s trying to initiate the conversation, or maybe she’s asking you:”do you ever see us getting back together?” You can actually reply by giving a neutral response which would entail something like, “I don’t know, but I wish you the best and you know, I’m pretty busy with this, I’ve actually tried out this new thing,”

It’s actually kind of going back to the days where you just met and trying to kind of demonstrate value again. Let’s be honest, a lot of people break up for different reasons, and one of the reasons is because the male or the female has actually, you know, gotten lazy in maintaining that relationship.

Compare this to the time when you guys first just met and both sides are actually putting in effort to put your best foot forward so that you can get her as a girlfriend or she can get you as a boyfriend. Hence, the short-term solution is change the frame, change the underlying meaning of the interaction between you and her.

However, I want to talk a little bit about the long-term solution, I want to talk about something that is not commonly talked about. This is the psychology of getting over your ex girlfriend. That’s because if you do not apply these processes, after the breakup, you’ll find yourself chasing that approval, your old traumas are being triggered, your abandonment issues are being triggered.

5 Stages of Grief and Loss: How to Heal from a Break Up

It takes time to heal from an affair and completely understand your ex’s infidelity. Unlike all other dating coaches that tell you to just ‘man up’, I am going to tell you it’s very normal for everyone, men or women, to go through a grief process of loss. This is researched in psychology: the five stages of grief.

The five stages are anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These five stages literally roughly mean those words. They do not come one after another and are an interconnected process where you can jump stages or you can experience this stage before that stage.

This was true for me from my own experience. When I was a teenager and I got dumped over just one text message. I was in denial. I was in denial for months until when I enlisted into the Singapore military and that’s where it all hit me. I was angry and I was sad all at one go. It all hit me and I broke emotionally. So this is why we need to heal. We need to grieve.

This grieve process is not spoken about. This isn’t addressed properly enough in especially Asian culture where the “man” is supposed to actually just be the tough guy and just take the loss. “Just take it on the chin”, and just move on! Let’s not address it, repress it and push it down. Only to find it boiling up after three months, half a year, or a year. Then you might end up going  into a fit or do something silly.

The Psychology behind 5 Stages of Grief and Loss

It’s that psychological loss will only heal if unnecessary containment such as unreasonable guilt and resentments can be worked out through. This plays out by trashing it out with your ex and achieving closure. This is why initially when you first break up, it’s quite important to trash it out and to lash it out.

Yet again, there are cultural narratives that says; “you’re not supposed to show your emotions”. You’re not supposed to feel, you’re not supposed to trash it out. Let’s not be angry, right? It’s very evident in Asian culture. How many times have you heard growing up: “just be the good kid, do not throw a fit, behave yourself!”

The second method suggested is to help the individual be prevented from feeling isolated and help to feel connected to others.

The third one is having a positive outlook.

So let me expand on these two last methods. So assuming that you’re going through a breakup process, you are still in the process of healing, of grieving. It’s important to get support. This can come from your community, from friends, from coaches and from therapy: through a clinical psychologist or through a licensed therapist.

I recommend therapy because especially when we’re young, our friends are not actually matured enough to actually guide us to the correct direction or to actually feel with us or sympathise or empathise with us.

This was true for me when I was a teenager. I remembered that after I broke up like for two weeks, my friends were at that point of time having a meal with my ex-girlfriend and posting it on social media. I felt butthurt about it. Getting psychologically support from friends might not be the best option.

The thing with relationships and breakups and psychology is that a lot of things can get messy. There’s a lot of nuances and weird things. The opposite party across you might be judging on it. Relationships are messy, people break up for all sorts of reasons, for irrational reasons, for weird reasons.

This is why I actually recommend looking into psychotherapy, into getting a therapist to actually guide you through the process. These people are usually much older than you, they are licensed, they have six years of clinical training to actually practice as a psychologist. You’re also dealing with science in a clinical setting and decades of research. Sometimes, I would pick that over having friends’ advice or friends’ support. Unless you have a really good friend who’s highly empathetic and highly sympathetic, and is able to truly empathise with you without judgment.

The Long Term Solution to Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back without Looking Desperate

Here is where I want to get into the long-term solution.

Some clients when they come through my marketing funnel when they’ve just broken up, they’re actually looking for a short-term solution which is trying to get an ex-girlfriend back. Trying to find out a strategy, a way, or learn ‘game’ just to get a ex-girlfriend back, as a control strategy against hurt and abandonment trauma and emotional growth.

The long-term solution is to actually understand the psychology of your breakup, of why you ended up breaking up in the first place. For one, rollercoaster relationships are a huge reason why people break up in the end, because you were leading an unhealthy relationship with her.

I recommend looking at attachment theory. There’s decades of research on anxious and avoidant attachment. The dynamic between anxious and avoidant attachment is where one person is chasing and the other person is avoiding and it just flips to and fro. This is an example of a relationship that I somewhat experienced when I was a teenager. I was avoidant and she was anxious and then we just flipped around where I chased her and she chased me and it was never ending to the point where it just got too frustrating for both sides.

Psychologists theorise we experience romantic love similarly to how we experience love from our parents when we were a kid, and we tend to confuse the two where we think that the love that we are getting from our partner is akin to our parents.

This is why when you break up you’ll feel super triggered and you’ll feel like your life is ending. That’s because as a kid it’s your interest to survive and you need that love from your parents. Now that you’ve grown up but your psychology is not matured enough and now that your girlfriend or your boyfriend has dumped you, this is akin to your parents abandoning you and going against your needs for survival.

You’ll require emotional awareness to actually differentiate the two.

Hence, a long-term solution is to actually understand rollercoaster relationships, understand the psychology of why you guys actually broke off right. And whether it is a healthy relationship in the first place.

Closing Thoughts

I was in a mess after my ex-girlfriend dumped me over text message. I remembered spending the next three months in a living hell in my head trying to get her back, trying to get her on the phone. I emotionally broke down all alone on a military island. That was the point where I realised that I really didn’t have it down right.

I used to think I was a tough guy. I did martial arts in my teens, I got into street fights, and I used to think I was tough. That was what got me to repress my break up. I could tell you exactly what I felt at that point in time, I was like: “screw that bitch I’m going to go into the military. I’m going to be a military officer. I’m going to achieve my way through this pain”.

On the contrary, within eight days into the first 14 days confinement in the military, I broke down and everything just went haywire. I wasn’t even motivated to actually achieve in the military. This is why I want to stress: emotional health, understanding the psychology of relationships and dating is extremely important.

Lastly, this concept isn’t addressed enough in Asian culture. It’s something that’s not spoken or actively discussed in Asian culture. I hope everyone reading this took something away something and actually maybe start valuing your dating and relationships life and understanding your own psychology.

May 17

The Push and Pull Technique and Method – Steal my Lines

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Pushing and pulling is an old and OG concept that arose from the old school pick up artist community. The idea of push and pulling simultaneously is to create interest and ambiguity that women find attractive. It can be expressed verbally or non-verbally. You can “push” by demonstrating more attention and interest. You can “pull” by disqualifying yourself as potential partner.

There are different degrees of push and pulling. You can do it verbally, non verbally or a combination of both. If you wish to use it effectively, then understanding when you need to push and when you can pull is going to contribute a lot to your success. If you do it right, you can even get women to push on you hard.

Pick Up Artist Theory: Push and Pulling

Yes, push and pulling is an effective framework for beginners to understand the dynamics of flirting. In theory, you push if she’s pulling, you pull when she’s pulling. You can also implement lines that ‘push and pull’ as a means of teasing. I used to think that you only need ‘passive attraction’ to get women to be attracted to you. However, I take a middle ground these days, by actively implementing push and pull lines/ methods, you can make things happen in your interactions.

In general, you should always be pushing and pulling simultaneously. You only push when you feel you’ve pulled too hard and you don’t want to lose the interaction. If you think of interactions on a power scale, pushing gives up power and pulling successfully gives you more power. If you’re only demonstrating interest outrightly, you’re telling her that she can have you at any time. This is why that, in general, you should be demonstrating intent whilst disqualifying yourself at the same time. This way, you’re ‘balancing the power scale’ as much as you can.

The Push Pull Method: Understanding Where You Stand in Her Eyes

The ‘power scale’ is a means of understanding where you exactly stand in any interaction with a woman. Is she interested and should continue to push and pull? Or are you pushing too hard and you need some investment from her end (and you need to pull). Or is she already interested and you can pull to generate even more investment to get her to chase?

  • If you haven’t gotten her attention or her interested, then you can try to ‘manufacture it’ by pushing and/ or pulling.
  • If she’s pulling, you can push by ‘giving up some of the power in the relationship’, by outrightly demonstrating affection or interest.
  • If you’re over reaching to a girl, she’s feeling suffocated, you can ‘pull’ to balance the dynamic of the relationship.
  • You can also pull when she’s pushing to attempt to generate more investment when she’s pushing.

Teasing a girl one of the most effective and easiest manner to demonstrate interest and flirt. In theory, just about any cheeky tease can be considered a push and pull. A tease is negative verbally. However, it’s a positive non verbally. Hence, it’s a ‘push pull’.

Think about it, you only tease your old friends. You tease them ‘negatively’, for example, for their childish or slobbish behaviour. However, you also do it as a means of affection. They are alright with it, everybody laughs and it leads to further bonding.

Examples of Push Pull Lines – Steal my Lines

There are lines you can use in text and/ or in person:

“You’re so adorably annoying”
“You look interesting” (ambiguity, what the hell is interesting? Is that good or bad? This implies a push pull)
“You were attractive until you said X”
“That’s a great looking dress, I’m not too sure about the shoes though”
“We totally should not be doing this” (done whilst escalating physically on her)
“You’re so hot, but thankfully I’m a moral rock ;)”
“We should totally grab coffee, provided you’re not a psychopath”
“I should totally take your number, provided you’re not a secret psychopath that’s going to text 27 messages past midnight”
“Aw, you are ridiculously adorable”

Pushes are generally any demonstration of interest and affection. Pulls are generally any demonstration of disinterest or the fact that you are willing to lose the interaction. You get the idea. There are positives and negatives in your actions and statements. You can also combine outright pushes or pulls when the right time calls for it.

How to Push Pull Physically

There are ways to push and pull whilst flirting physically. This is what pick up artists call ‘calibration’.

You can show direct interest with direct body language and attention (push) and then disqualify using negative body language (pull) and alter them to different degrees depending on where you are at in the interaction.

You can push pull by escalating physically but disqualify verbally.  Saying “I should not being doing this” whilst you’re making out with her is a push pull.

Taking her to your place and saying outrightly that you’re going to kick her off your bed, is a somewhat a push and a pull. You’re pushing for sex and simultaneously disqualifying. Groping her intimately and then saying you are “not suppose to be doing it” is a push pull. In this example, push pull can be used as a means to set the right frame for sex to ‘just happen’.

Using push and pull physically can be as simple as flirting with her physically (increasing the frequency of touches) and then suddenly dropping it (using negative body language), then escalating it and dropping it. Push pull ultimately can be used as a means to build sexual tension.

How to Get Good at Push and Pull Naturally

So, how can you push and pull in the moment without relying on memorising lines? To get good at pushing and pulling, you need to get good at the art of improvisation.

This means taking an interest in language and appreciating comedy. You can take up stand up comedy classes, watch comedians on Youtube or take up improv classes. There are improv tools on the internet where they generate random words and you’re forced to improvise off that.

I started bettering my conversations by taking joining improv classes and sooner or later push pull became natural to me. There’s also no need to go crazy on this. In the most fundamental manner, teasing a girl is the most basic push pull. You’re saying something negative but your intentions are positive.

Limitations

However, there are limitations. I used to over rely on wit and came off sarcastic in my interactions. You cannot rely on words alone. In the art of seduction. You need guts. Yes you can calibrate. (if you see her feeling uncomfortable with your advances, you reel back with a ‘pull’). However, there’s no technical replacement for taking genuine risk in your interaction. You can’t push and pull your way into kissing her. Kissing her is mostly a matter of just pulling the trigger.

Furthermore, just relying on push and pulling is a horrendous manner to build a genuine and deeper connection. You need to have other conversational skills outside of teasing and coming up with witty push pull lines. Furthermore, you and I are all here to have awesome relationships with women, it’s not about proving who’s more quick witted.

Push Pull

Conclusions

Understanding the push pull dynamic and how to implement the lines are only about 10% of the entire equation. These days, I only use them as a means as an end, as a means to spark attraction or generate and interest. I always tell my dating coaching clients that I don’t really pay attention to memorizing lines consciously because once you get good at improv, teasing and flirting comes naturally to you. However, nonetheless, it’s a good model of understanding where you stand in a relationship.

There are many other facets to generating grounded, lasting attraction such as being able to connect on a deeper level to attempting to better your life. You can’t replace and attractive identity with only push and pull lines.

May 16

Why Women Don’t Like Me? – 4 Practical Steps to Solve it

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Ever wondered why women don’t like you despite all the dating advice you tried? Maybe you even tried pick up lines or techniques and it all fell flat in your face.

Why Women Don’t Like Me – 4 Practical Steps to Solve it

Here’s some tough love: you may be using dating advice itself to avoid the real issues: your neediness, your ego and your fear of rejection.

1) Sort Out Your Core Issues

Some people derived their self worth through trying to chase as many women as much as possible. They are trying to fill a gaping hope within themselves through the pursuit of body count. This can play out in the form of: material success, academic success or whatever forms of success. I’m no different either. I did it for years. It was one of the reason why I got into the dating advice industry.

It’s over lack of acceptance and willingness to deal with our core issues that leads us to a karmic loop chasing the next shiny object. You may spend years chasing tactics and strategies, without understanding the fundamentals. You’ll automatically pick out information that promises you that quick win, that magic bullet.

This is similar to attracting women using lines and routines without putting in the real work. If you’re working hard to avoid failure and rejection, you’re still doing it wrong. You may be approaching a hundred girls a day, however, you’re approaching them from a standpoint of lines and routines, you may just be working hard to avoid true failure and rejection.

You may read hundreds of dating advice blogs like this one, and you’re barely putting yourself out there to risk failure and rejection, you’re still doing it wrong.

It’s only when you accept where you’re at and that you’re going to face failure and rub against your insecurities in whatever you do is inevitable, that you’ll find yourself in a better position for progress.

2) Numbers Don’t Lie Measure Your Results and Let go of Your Ego

If you aren’t going out on dates or are still at 30 year old virgin, then your methods aren’t working period. It’s time to measure your results. You can’t be a successful business owner without a business that provides you with cashflow. You can’t be a successful blogger without website traffic.

My ego got to me after a couple of dating successes: I saw myself as an extremely attractive persona… truth is… I’m not, and am just like every other guy: worried about the same things.

It’s also realising that no matter how many dates or experiences I’ve had over the years; It doesn’t mean that I don’t have the put in the leg work for the next girl I’m going out on a date with, or that I don’t have to be consciously work on my core issues or beliefs.

Self awareness is like an onion that you constantly peel the layers of, and it gets more painful whenever you get closer to the core. You form higher order habits to better handle these anxieties and insecurities, however, at the end of the day, you have to go back to the core and deal with them face on.

3) Finding Purpose Beyond Dating 

If you started out thinking: if I read this pick up artist material, I would now be able to sleep with hot girls and be happy.

Modern culture often gets us thinking that there’s a destination to get to, this result, that result, then this job, then that promotion and then one day, we’ll get ‘there’ and it’ll all be awesome. If we got the high paying job, we’ll finally be able to land the hot girl. If you get the Ferrari, finally people will respect us.

Great, you got that down, however, now you’re exposed to a different set of problems: long term relationships and connecting with your deeper values. Life is a process and there’s no completion. Our problems just get more complicated. 

In the book: The Way of the Superior Man, David Deida suggests that your life purpose is connected to your masculinity: your non-neediness, and how dating success is merely side effect of an engaged life. You’ll need to find something more important than your dating life.

4) Decide to Win

How many of you project your lack self-worth onto the girls you talk to or date? How many of you walk into a Friday night date, a sales meeting or even wake up in the morning subtlety telling yourself that outcome you desire cannot be achieved? 

I know I have, along with hundreds of men every single day of their life. You’ve already lost the battle before it even started.

Here’s my point:

  • You don’t decide for her if she’ll actually like a guy like you
  • You don’t decide for her if she’ll actually kiss you/ go out with you or take your number

The majority of us start off believing that we’re only able to date a girl up to a certain calibre. Pay attention to cultural narratives that influenced you. Your beliefs on what you consciously/unconsciously believe you deserve. They may be formed through years of social feedback, your upbringing and environment.

Sometimes the hardest thing to recognise is that you are already good enough. If you go to the gym, take care of yourself, read nerdy self-improvement blogs like this… you’re already enough. It’s just that sometimes, we don’t give ourselves enough credit.

Have you ever wondered why assholes always ‘finish first’? That’s because these ‘assholes’ decided far ahead of time that they are going to win, despite the cost. They are hard closers. They are able and willing to piss off and step over others to get what they want. 

They are selfish in that sense. From an evolutionary standpoint, it’s advantageous to a woman to mate with someone who is willing to step over others to accumulate resources. (Read: Over generalizing here I know, but you get my point.)

Look, attracting women IS a selfish endeavour. Firstly, recognize that. Secondly, put yourself first and decide to win. I’m not saying that you need to be an asshole, I’m just saying that you need to make a clear decision to win.

 

May 15

The Madonna Whore Complex – Women Lovers and Haters

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Sigmund Freud noticed that men who grew up with strenuous relationships with their mother developed a complex toward women. Hence he formed the theory of the Madonna Whore Complex. Freud argued that the madonna whore complex is a split between the affectionate and sexual currents in the male desire.

While Sigmund Freud theories surrounding the Oedipus complex, penis and castration fears have been debunked by modern day psychology, modern day psychologists have found that modern implications of Madonna Whore dichotomy remains.

The Madonna Whore Complex

The Madonna Whore split may be caused when the victim is raised by a cold but overprotective mother. This lack of emotional nurturing results in a man courting someone with maternal qualities, hoping to fulfil a need for intimacy unmet in childhood.

His need to capture his mother’s attention and affection as a child is later projected onto the woman he chooses to pursue. He ends up looking a woman with similar psychological make up with his mother. Since it’s ‘immoral wrong’ to think of his mother in a sexual manner, he forms an inability to feel sexual arousal in a committed and loving relationship. This returns repressed feelings surrounding the earlier relationship with his mother, hence preventing sexual satisfaction with his current partner.

My personal belief is that men who struggle in their dating and relationships life have some degree of skewed beliefs and towards women. The women lovers have a problem feeling sexually attracted to women they love. The women haters have a problem feeling romantically attracted to women they sexually desire.

In either cases, they are researched to feel less satisfied in romantic relationships. The lover is out of touch with his objectification of women and the hater is out of touch with his need for affection.

This can play out in your dating life (as it did in mine), you feel a lot of emotional affection for your partner, however for some reason, you aren’t able to perform in bed. On the other hand, you’re able to feel sexually attracted for a one night stand (a girl that you never thought of dating in the long run).

The Madonna – The Woman Lovers

Men struggling with the complex hence categorized women as either saintly Madonnas or debased prostitutes. Hence, the term “Madonna-Whore”.

Let’s take a look at one end of the spectrum: the women lovers. The men that see women as Madonna put women on a pedestal.

The complex plays itself out in the paradox in which any woman a man sexual desires must be a slut or a whore, and any woman who loves him and adores him is considered pure and consequently, he fears intimacy and feels inferior around her.

The women lovers worship feminine love, romanticize self-sacrifice and suffering for the sake of it. They are usually people pleasing and supplicant. They are the ones that find themselves doing things for women over and over again although there’s no form of reciprocation. They put sex on a pedestal and find themselves in love with their best female friends. These are the men that find themselves doing favours for a girl who has not shown them any signs of affection. 

These men, on the end of women lovers, are out of touch with their objectification of women: their desire for sex.

This may affect men who have little or no experience in sexual relationships. They may find it difficult to accept that women are sexual beings, have sexual needs, enjoy and desire sex as much as men do.

These beliefs may hinder your social interactions with women, you may being afraid to be physically intimate with her, believing then women do not like to be touched. You may feel that she may be more sexually experienced than you, thus feeling inferior to her.

Thw Whore – Woman Haters

Psychologist Richard Tuch suggested that woman-haters become who they are because as a young boy, because he suffered frustration and narcissistic injury at the hands of his mother, in adulthood, the boy turned men seeks to avenge these mistreats through sadistic attacks on women who are ‘stand-ins’ for his own mother, hence forming a hatred for women.

These men are the ones that see women as ‘whores’. They see women as something to be researched and conquered. They see affection and love as something that’s worked for and struggled for. They perceive women to be fundamentally different from themselves. These are the men that go on angry rants about how women not knowing their social roles, that they ‘belong to the kitchen’, being dirty slutty for desiring sex and etc.

It’s also important to note that women haters don’t exactly hate women. Rather, they experience a love hate relationship with women. They may also perceive women as fundamentally different from them. They may also maintain dysfunctional and manipulative relationships as the women they end up attracting profiles that match them in bitterness and distrust.

These beliefs are commonly expressed in the pick up artist community. Woman haters tend to gravitate towards being players. They are often out of touch with their desire for love and affection.

The Madonna-Whore Complex Expressed in Modern Culture

Through my years of talking to men as friends and a dating coach. It’s not uncommon to hear men saying that they want to marry a ‘good girl’:

She preferably has to be virgin, hasn’t dated a lot and is ‘pure’ and ‘innocent’. He, on the other hand, desires to date and have sexual experiences with as many other girls as possible, that he would never think of starting a romantic or committed relationship with them.

This is the conflicted desire of wanting to marry a ‘pure and innocent girl’ but then they couldn’t have sex with her, because if that’s true, that’ll mean she’s a dirty, down-ridden ‘whore’. However, when he wanted to have a sexual relationship with a woman, he’ll never date her, as sex signalled ‘her lack of morals’.

Love is only reserved for the ‘good’ girl, the girl you can bring home to Mum, the one who’s of ‘marriage material’. Sex, on the other hand, is reserved for the ‘bad’ girls.

This is commonly expressed as: “I want to have sex with many girls, but I ONLY want to marry the good one, that hasn’t had sex a lot.” This also suggests ‘good girls’ don’t desire sex as much as ‘bad girls’. Or ‘good girls’ are defined as good because they haven’t had multiple sexual experiences.

Not only this is a double standard, but this categorisation of female sexuality leads you to properly appreciate your partner as an integrated person with different needs.

Your Beliefs: How Do You View Women? 

The Madonna-whore dichotomy can often be unconscious and subtle. It can be difficult to pin point if you’re a woman hater or lover, even if you’re struggling with women flipping to and fro between these two different beliefs, flipping back and forth depending on the situation, and depending on the girl.

Regardless, both belief systems are unhealthy fixations. The woman lover obsesses for love, the woman hater obsesses for sex. Both belief systems lead to manipulative and dysfunctional relationships. Both fail to see the opposite sex as equals. One sees them as superior, and the other as inferior.

For the woman lover/ hater, when confronted with a girl they sexually desire, they would view her as a trash-ridden whore, something use for their own pleasure and amusement. On the other hand, when confronted with women with good morals and or status, they put her on a pedestal, seeing her as something pure, perfect and of a higher order.

I’m not saying that this psychological theory is carved out in stone, however, the Madonna-Whore complex concept can be used as a model to better your beliefs around female sexuality.

Curious if you harbour some of these beliefs?

You can ask yourself some questions:

  • What are your beliefs with women like?
  • Are you living out those double standards?
  • How do you feel and react if your partner earns more than you?
  • How do you feel about women desiring sex as much as men do?
  • Do your interactions with women involve the objectification of women?
  • Do your interactions with women lean towards feminine worship?
  • Has the relationship with your mother affected how you perceive dating and relationships with the opposite sex?
  • Did you grow up with a cold/ distant/ abusive mother?
  • How is your relationships like with female counterparts growing up?

These are difficult questions that can lead to difficult answers. However, be honest. These questions helped me become more introspective about my emotional maps and belief systems. It has also helped me become more objective my relationship with women.

Moving Forward

So, assuming you’re a pussy pedalling individual or secretly belief that all women only belong to the kitchen, how can you get better? The cure to the Madonna-whore dichotomy isn’t simple. The only way to resolve your anger or worship toward is to confronting your deep-seated beliefs. It involves being introspective about your beliefs towards women.

Firstly, it is to perceive our female counterparts as equals. This means not worshipping or objectifying female sexuality. Secondly, it is to do the therapeutic work required to resolve any misgivings or anger. This may stem from your childhood, this may not. Ultimately, women are not to be worshipped nor objectified. They are similar to that as men: with needs, desires, virtues and vices.

Works Cited

Hartmann, Uwe (2009). “Sigmund Freud and His Impact on Our Understanding of Male Sexual Dysfunction“. The Journal of Sexual Medicine6 (8): 2332–2339

Baraket, O. (2018). The Madonna-Whore Dichotomy: Men Who Perceive Women’s Nurturance and Sexuality as Mutually Exclusive Endorse Patriarchy and Show Lower Relationship SatisfactionSex Roles, 1-14.

Tuch, Richard (2010). “Murder on the Mind: Tyrannical Power and Other Points along the Perverse Spectrum“. The International Journal of Psychoanalysis 91 (1): 141-162.