Most advice on being a confident man revolves around traditional ‘alpha values’ such as discipline, macho-ness and masculinity. However, what if I told you that true confidence revolves around comfort with failure and rejection? What if I told you it revolves around putting yourself out there and being vulnerable? If not so, then why are hundreds of men out there with highly successful careers who can barely walk up to an attractive stranger and start a conversation. Why is that so?
How to Be a Confident Man Tenet 1: Stop Putting Women/ People on a Pedestal
You can argue that attractive women lived a good part of their lives with men (and even women) deferring to them. In not uncommon to see beautiful women splashed all over advertising campaigns. In the typical man and hot girl dynamic, it’s the men that’s almost always asking questions trying to continue a conversation. Sometimes, attractive women never built the conversational skills to connect with others themselves.
One time, I went on a date with a woman. She’s pretty attractive. On text, she bored me to tears. I was wondering if she was how she’s like in real life conversationally. It turns out that her conversational skills borderline around one lined sentences of boring and blunt. Similar to her text messages.
On the date, she floated away to social media from time to time and rarely initiated conversation. Trying to relating to her as a human being was a total chore. I was disappointed. I was expecting much better. Since she’s one of those academically inclined girls coming from a good education background, I thought I’ll be able to stretch my intellectual muscles with her. However, I ended up bored out of my mind.
I made the mistake of putting her on the pedestal. I ended up wasting an entire evening. I should have cut short the date and went home.
Through the advent of social media, there has been a rise of so called ‘influencer’ culture. I can’t name you the number of acquaintances I have that buy into and worship these so called influencers. Tracking, liking and worshiping their every step and post. These influencers usually entail physically attractive women that leveraged on their looks to build a following on social media.
You aren’t going to be a self invested male this way by putting these celebrities on a pedestal. Instead of focusing on you, you are focused on them. Yes, they are attractive. However, these women won the genetic lottery. Unless they are skilled themselves, you should not be looking up to them, following their lives, much less worshipping them. This is the same for celebrity culture. Stop it with the fan worship. Start focusing on you.
In short, stop putting women, or people, on a pedestal. Understand your own worth and judge the world accordingly. In general, be neutral to everyone. However, if he or she attempts to assert power over you, then assert power over them.
How to Be a Confident Man Tenet 3: Stop Apologizing for Your Natural Attraction to The Feminine
If you’re like most men, you probably don’t feel worthy or ‘normal’ of touching a girl on a date, and why is that so?
It’s not difficult to draw parallels between social stigma and sexual shame. In certain cultures, sex, emotions and relationships are hardly discussed around the dinner table when growing up. If you’re an Asian, these topics aren’t openly discussed or addressed. The majority of us aren’t primed to openly discuss issues such as emotions from a young age, and it’s no most men feel awkward communicating intimately to the opposite sex.
As a man, you have to lead the interaction and not wait for the green lights with women. The majority of dating advice (arguably, some pick up artist advice) is dependent on trying one’s best not to get rejected and adjusting our behaviours according to hers. The metric of success should not be non-rejection, but whether you ‘played to win.’
The more feminine she is, the more you are going to be required to lead physically. She’s not going to initiate for you. If you’re interested, just pull the trigger and ask her out: face the impending disappointment or rejection. If you’re going to be rejected, so be it, at least you got failed with honour.
Yes, you can be sexually attracted to a woman desiring to be emotionally connected to her. You’re taught that for sex to happen, you need to feel emotionally connected with or have to have meaningful conversations. No, that’s not true. You can desire a woman for her physique. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.
In reality, you are not going connect emotionally with every attractive women. However, you’re mostly going to want to have sex with most attractive women. There are women that are going to make you feel sexually attracted, but not connected or appreciated as a date. Stop apologizing and hesitating on your desires.
There are many women who aren’t looking to connect with anybody at that point of her life. She may just want to date around. However, she’s not going to say anything that makes her look like a slut because society makes it hard for them to express such notions socially. Hence, don’t decide for her whether she’s down to get sexy with you. Stop projecting your insecurities.
Looking back, I had tons of times where I was out with a girl and didn’t notice the fact that she’s actually interested in me. I thought we were just ‘hanging out’. Needless to say, I missed out on a ton of opportunities.
How to Be a Confident Man Tenet 4: Learn How to Communicate Openly
In my case, I was primed to be the macho sort of man: show no feelings sort of male throughout my teens. I did martial arts, football, studied accounting and all that manly activities that a ‘man’ should do. However, no matter how manly you are, every individual has his vulnerable end. To be truly confident, you need to be comfortable with vulnerability and intimacy. I can’t count the number of people I know who are confident with women that aren’t the ‘macho’ types and leaned towards the sensitive types.
In some cultures, you’re conditioned to not show any signs of negative emotions from resentment, anger and sadness. In a culture that emphasizes ‘saving face’, you’re taught to suppress emotions and personal inadequacies as a means to ‘save face’. This usually leads to repressed anger, disappointment and sadness that comes along with poor grades, relational difficulties, bankruptcy, addictions and sexual issues. Usually, they are further covered up in secrecy and shame.
This is why some men spend years not going after a woman they are interested in in the name of saving face or the fear of rejection.
This brings us to the next part. Communicating in our relationships is healthy regardless if you are in a collectivistic or individualistic cultures. Yes, Asians included.
This is why mental health is a stigma in Asian cultures. Hey, if you find in a pretty bad spot, I recommend consulting a psychologist. There’s no shame about it. Good therapy can do positive things for your emotional life. It has done wonders for mine.
If you’re constantly worried about what others think about you, then you’re never going to make that first move on a woman you desire in fears of upsetting others or people in the ‘tribe’. If you’re constantly attempting to save face in front of your girlfriend or partner, you’ll never get the support from them on the problems that you are facing in fear of being shamed. You’ll always be at the will and bent of others either in a subtle, or not so subtle way.
If you don’t know by now, I do run a dating advice blog for men. It’s shameless self plug, and here’s a starter:
You don’t have to be unconventional, however, the ability to communicate, speak up for yourself and others are going to signal confidence.
How to Be a Confident Man Tenet 4: Stop Man Bragging
If you’re like me, you are probably brought up to follow the rules, get a practical degree and get that safe and secure nine to five corporate job. Follow the rules, make no mistakes and everything else (including your dating life) is going to magically take care of itself. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work like that.
In certain cultures, there is heavy emphasis on academic results over social skills, you get years of training attempting to solve math equations as opposed to developing communication skills, something that’ll determine real-world success in life a lot more than your academic grades. You’re conditioned to base your relationship success on performance such as academic grades, your job status and other objectified metrics in your life. Unfortunately, functional and healthy relationships don’t work that way. They are borne out of boundaries and values such as mutual respect and empathy. Stuff that school or your parents never talked to you about.
It’s no wonder that foreign ex-pats in my own country find themselves having an easier time with certain demographics of Singaporean women.
Instead of competing like a child that never grows up over who has the bigger, better and faster, you can explore alternative lifestyles? If you gave up your entire life just to sit in a nine to five just to get that swanky car to prove something to yourself (or your parents), it’s time to start exploring projects that genuinely interest you. There’s no need to be bragging about sexual, financial or social conquests. Keep an internal score card.
How to be a Confident Man: Find Role Models and Build Your Way
In some cultures, immense focus on economic production in a technologize and industrialized economy led to a generation of Mum taking care of sons in their adolescence. So instead of having fathers growing, playing beside sons, sons only see them after school (long hours spent at the factory) and you go to bed and the routine repeats itself. I like to point out that this isn’t just an issue faced by Asian cultures, but Western cultures too alike.
The end result? One entire generation of man without real role models.
So how do you step out of the norm and get role models?
There’s some reassuring to get your personal finance, fundamental health and psychology down as basics. I recommend starting from these three pillars. You’ll naturally feel a lot more confident once you have them down.
Secondly, there are also no lack of teachers (and role models) in the world. You can invest in yourself through self-education: upgrading your skillsets. There are multiple biographies that you can read and learn from. I recommend starting with Steve Jobs biography by Walter Isaacson, then, Seeking wisdom, from Darwin to Munger.
In the age of the internet, there’s no lack of information. You can almost learn any skillset for free in the world. If you haven’t got he money, then buy books. Test out ideas in real life. Run trials. Take some risks, start a business even.
They are all forms of self-leadership. These pursuits demonstrate that you aren’t a blind rules follower and am willing to break it out on your own. Hence, you’ll be perceived as natural leader. Leadership and independent choices are the traits of a confident man.
To conclude, some of us didn’t have a choice and were a product of our circumstances when growing up. However, the responsibility to take control of your life is in your hands. The fulfillment of being responsible and making better choices in the future is a price never too steep to pay.
This is a review of a value investing seminar I attended years ago. It’s taught by Reshveen Rajendran. You can find his website at MillionDollarRush.Com. Here are the reasons I am publishing it after all these years: 1) I’m much more educated in financial markets today. 2) I researched my rights as a consumer. 3) I avoided writing negative reviews for the fear of potential legal action taken against me. 4) I decided to balls up. I am also exasperated at Singapore’s investment education industry pitching flamboyant theories that don’t work in real life to prey on unknowledgeable public. I got nothing against education. I am all for it. However, when you’re teaching the wrong information leveraging on the knowledge gap and using unethical marketing strategies: over promising and under delivery, I’ve got a problem with that.
How Did I Sign Up in The First Place?
So why did I sign up in the first place? I was a naive person in my early twenties. I wanted the short cuts. I wanted the quickanswer to the financial markets. I also knew most of the programs in that market were extremely expensive: charging up to 5000 dollars for a seat. Since Reshveen Rajendran’s program was relatively cheaper than what the market was offering, I gladly participated along with a couple of other factors:
Reshveen was recommended by a friend (social bias here)
He safely assured me that doing 10% a month on my portfolio was easy and many others including himself has achieved those returns
The course’s irresistible marketing angle was: generate ‘part time’ income as a student.
Now, before I’m accused of making false claims here. I’ll back it up. The following pieces of information are taken from his Facebook page and his website’s blog post.
The Review of Reshveen Rajendran’s Course
The instruction taught in the course was entry level. The course promoted using options to generate ‘insurance premium’ on underlying assets. It serves as a ‘monthly cashflow’. This wasn’t substantiated by the course instructor in his profit or loss statement. For the ones more financially savvy, you’ll know that options don’t always expire and there’s a possibility of it being exercised. Since you can’t predict the market, you can’t guarantee a cash flow from premiums generated from selling options.
Secondly, in the instruction, commodities were also recommended by the instructor as an investing vehicle. This goes against the fundamental principle of value investing. The fundamental principle of value investing is purchasing companies when their prices are traded below their intrinsic value. Commodities are entirely different from companies.
Thirdly, to claim that your ‘6 figure’ equities portfolio generates you a passive income is highly suspicious. Now, assuming you built a portfolio around the highest paying dividend yield stocks in Singapore. The average yield would be approximately 5-7%. You’re required to have one million dollars invested to have a dividend income of 6%, $60000 annually, which adds up to $5000 per month. That’s a million dollar account, alongside with the assumption that you’re invested in the highest dividend stocks for the last 10 years and the companies pay out dividends regularly.
Lastly to cite a quote from his blog:
My returns have been very substantial with 5 -7% compounding growth every month!
– Million Dollar Rush Blog
Let’s take an average of 6% compounded growth on a $10000 starting account balance, you’ll end with $20121.96 at the end of 12 months. You’ll achieve a 101.21% per annum returns. Let’s compare these returns to actual, audited investing track records.
Warren Buffet’s Track Record
Everybody favourite uncle: Warren Buffet. His returns are 23.8% compounded per annum.
Charlie Munger’s Track Record
Vice CEO of Berkshire Hathaway, partner to Warren Buffet. Charlie Munger’s compounded returns: 19.8% per annum.
Walter Schloss’s Track Record
Referred by Warren Buffet to be one of the greatest value investors ever lived. Walter Schloss’s compounded Returns: 16.1% Per Annum.
Here’s the reference. You could argue that Buffet claimed that he could achieve 50% returns per annum handling smaller amounts of capital. However, I’m sure Buffet himself never claim he could generate 201% in a year, much less this trainer.
Selling Put Options as a Strategy to Own Undervalue Stock
You’re required to have some basic options trading knowledge and experience to understand the following.
One of the theories proposed by the instructor is that you are able to sell put options to generate cashflow and to potentially own undervalued stocks at at a discount. Firstly, not all stocks have an options market at the price at which you valued it to be your purchase price. Secondly, not all stocks have an options market trading far out of the money. Yes, you could sell options at stocks are trading ‘at the money’ of your valuation. It’s barely worth selling a put option when it’s valued near ‘at the money’ (it’s better to own the stock itself, since it is undervalued in the first place right?)
Henceforth, the entire notion of selling options on an undervalued stock to generate free cash flow that leads to passive income, is absurd.
The Lack of Empirical Evidence
I don’t make these arguments without evidence. I’ll retract this article if there’s new evidence supported: audited or non-audited profit and loss sheets: namely the trainer’s profit and loss statements and trades.
Years ago, I negotiated with the trainer for a full refund of my course fees, citing the evidence and stating the mentioned case studies. However, he outrightly refused and cited that I haven’t applied any of his instruction on my end and am unable demand a refund of his course fees as it would be unreasonable. Ironically, I took it upon myself to test out his methods. I also took it upon myself to do acquire investing knowledge independently of his course material and instruction.
2020 update: Low cost index fund investing has gotten me a far better returns that actively managing capital for the last 7 years. No fancy options trading or theories. Statistically, the average individual is not going to outperform the market. No, you’re not a Buffet or a Munger. No, you’re not special. No, you don’t belong to the minute percentage that are able to generate an income from trading options. Unfortunately, the trainer is still going around selling the same program to the public at scale.
I remembered that I had a Windows 95, a dial up connection, and that was all I need. I was one resourceful kid. I caught on the hard core stuff really fast. BDSM, lesbians and foot fetishes, you name it, I watched it. It was only when I started in reading up on psychology that I was exposed to the effects of pornography that I started limiting my intake.
In the men’s dating advice community, there are also many positive reports from guys who are going through the ‘no fap’ diet. If you’re masturbating too much, watching too much porn and not getting much out of your sex life, then it’s a problem. So, can reducing pornographic intake help in multiple areas of your life? If so, how can you stop watching porn in an effective manner?
The Science of Pornography
The intake of pornography is researched to be a supra normal stimulus to our brains. This means, it’s way more pleasurable than the average arousing stimulus. Our brains aren’t ready to take in those kind stimulus and hence develop a need for higher forms of stimuli and arousal. This is why you become desensitised and develop a need for more novel stimuli through fancier or more hard core pornography.
Ultimately, pornography paints an unrealistic picture of sexuality. This skews our perception of what beauty is and gives us unreasonable standards for sex with the people we meet. In my younger days, I used to think that having sex with a porn star in multiple crazy positions would define my masculinity.
That can’t be further from reality. The majority of partners you meet aren’t going to live up to the unrealistic narratives in pornography films. Sex is an intimate act for both partners. When it actually happens, it’s usually nothing like you see on computer screens. Sex is actually an activity where either parties may feel unsure about themselves. Everyone get’s a little nervous before an intimate act. It’s nothing like the hard core bravado you watch on pornographic sites.
Shame, Guilt, Addiction and Pornography
Okay, if you’re wondering if pornography is an actual addiction. It’s debatable. Whilst it isn’t a ‘real addiction’, you can’t ignore the data that shows many people do experience real life problems with it. It has been linked to issues such as unhappy and unsatisfied partners, depression, anxiety, and loneliness.
Whilst pornography ‘addiction’ isn’t validated as a clinical form of addiction, I’m guessing that there is some correlation between toxic shame and pornography overuse. I suggest that because there’s research that suggests that clinical addiction is used to cope with shame, to soothe out their feelings of inadequacy. They just do it through alcohol, drugs and etc.
There’s research suggesting that toxic shame is related to pornography usage. It also suggested that people that had shame were less motivated to alter their behaviours. I’m not going to go on about the differences between guilt and shame int his article, however they found the exact opposite when it came to feelings of guilt. There are other factors leading to compulsive and addictive pornographic usage as well: namely: depression and anxiety. In my personal experience, healing shame through the means of hiring a professional therapist can be a useful way of dealing with overconsumption of pornography, not to mention therapy offers insights into depression and anxiety as well.
How to Stop Watching Porn
Now, let’s get serious here. It’s not only your dating life or your relationships you’re talking about. It’s your entire life. This will not only determine your success with women, but also determine your ability to hand up work on time, increase your productivity, cure cancer or send someone to Mars. It’s life changing stuff.
I’ll share with you some methods that have helped me over the years.
1) If you can’t quit porn overnight, leave it to the last activity of the day. You can use pornography as a reward for the productive work you’ve accomplished during the day. You’re using this to rewire the pleasure reward mechanism in your brain. Ideally, you want to land yourself in a position where you have accomplished so much work in the day, that you don’t really want to jerk off to ‘spoil the track record’.
2) Psychological research shows that building habits in a small way is the only sustainable way to do it rather than flooding yourself with too many habits at one go. Habits are built small and then compounded over time. Starting small such as keeping masturbation and pornographic intake the last activity of the day is a small step that anyone can start applying in their lives.
3) If all else fails, fly to another country for a week or two. Travel can be used as an effective means to break and build habits. Whenever I’m out of the country, I’m much more productive and I don’t jerk off that much. Furthermore, staying in a hostel means that you can’t really watch pornography right?
4) Create an environment of inevitable success. When I was studying in the United States, I was stressed out of my head, behind time on academics and had a ton of assignments to finish. On top of that, I had personal responsibilities such as laundry, phone bills, making friends, making sure I go out on dates. I suddenly had better priorities than jerking off to porn.
5) Take a step back and ask yourself: Why are you watching pornography? Are you’re using pornography to cope reduce stress, to relief oneself from boredom, used to cope with negative feelings or situations, or simply avoiding withdrawal symptoms. People with maladaptive coping skills are much more vulnerable to using pornography as an outlet. So, are you merely using porn as a coping strategy?
6) When you do masturbate, think of women you’ve met in real life. Don’t fantasize about the girls you see in pornography clips. Let’s say you met a girl last week in the club and you’re aroused by her. Instead of relying on pornography, you can fantasize about her. It’ll hugely re-wire your mind to help you be more sensitive with real life girls.
7) Change your environmental to cues that leads you to watch pornography. Habit researchers found that in order to create new habits to break the old ones, you should not focus on the behavior but the cue itself. You can do this by installing pornographic blockers, restricting your computer and etc. Clinicians have also recommended this method.
8) Therapy. If nothing else works and you find your life being interrupt by your intake of pornography. I recommend working with a clinical psychologist. Cognitive behavioural and acceptance commitment therapy has been researched to potentially help with pornography addiction.
The Positive Effects of Not Watching Porn
Going out a masturbation diet and limiting pornography is one of the methods dished out to be more sexually motivated. Self development books such as Think and Grow Rich talks about the ability to transmute sexual desire into creative pursuits such as productive work or art, instead of it depleting one’s energy and motivation. Successful personalities such as Steve Jobs are known to withhold from having sex just to get a creative boost at work.
If you’re overusing pornography, you may also have found yourself desensitised in your dating and relationships life from the years of using pornography. You may find yourself numbed to a real woman’s touch. This is because you are desensitised to all the unrealistic portrayals of pornography. On top of that, a female touch is completely different from the tight grip of your hand.
It was only when I started being serious about getting my dating life handled that I consciously chose to limit pornography and masturbation that I felt more motivated and confident. I also made sure that whenever I’m seeing someone, I would also limit pornography intake as well. (Read: This is to also ensure performance)
Over the years, I’ve never really quit cold turkey or completely. However, the times that I consciously limited my pornography intake, I’ve felt the positive side effects of it. I used to worry and get nervous about not being able to finish and the girl being sore and tired. I’m happy to report that I’m facing less of these problems these days.
Cutting down pornographic intake has also helped me performed better in other areas of my life from academics, sports, be more sexually aggressive in my dating life. The women I notice on a day to day basis became more beautiful and I started appreciating their physical imperfections, instead of fake pornographic displays. There’s also a noticeable improvement in general motivation and sense of well being.
When I find myself watching pornography on a more frequent basis, I find myself a lot more judgmental of the women I’m willing to approach. There’ll be a perfectly beautiful girl who walks past me and I’ll put it off and give myself the excuse that she isn’t hot enough. I also notice a difference in general anxiety. I feel more grounded and centered going about my day to day activities when I’m not on pornography.
Relapse and Should You Quit Pornography Completely?
Through the years, I didn’t see a need to quit pornography completely, I’ve attempted a couple of times and I found myself unable to focus after awhile. I’m also sure that I’m not addicted to it. There are many periods when I’m feeling the urge and if I’m not dating someone, I’ll ‘relapse’ and use pornography there and then.
Here’s my verdict: it’s different strategies for different people. Personally, I belief by keeping pornography intake to a minimum is sufficient and there are clear benefits. If you work a lot trying to balance out academic commitments, business commitments and personal relationships, it can get stressful. Sometimes, you just need to get one out there. That’s fine. Just make sure it’s done in moderate dosages that don’t affect your day to day productivity.
It’s ultimately up to you to figure out what works for you. I don’t see it as an all or nothing thing. If pornography isn’t interfering with your day to day life, there’s no reason to be super strict on that no fap rule. There’s no hard and fast rule on this, however, I do encourage limiting pornography intake on the whole.
I consider myself to have better social and dating skills than the average Joe after doing this for so many years. However, I’m still flabbergasted at times at how poor I am at deciphering if a girl is attracted or wants me to make a move or not. The signals women give can be quite confusing at times. Some women show it openly with strong eye contact, and some don’t. Some show it through being around you and some show it by shying away from you. How can you really tell if she wants you to make a move?
How to Tell if She Wants You to Make a Move – Indicators of Interest
The idea of indicators of interest is popularised by the pick up artist community. Hair flicking, physical touching, starry eye contact are some examples. I categorize IOIs by mostly 1) positive 2) neutral and 3) negative.
Indicators of positive interest can range from hair flicking, strong eye contact, her making excuses to spend time with you or her. She reciprocates your signs of interest. Some more overt interest includes her asking you your number, initiating physical touch with you or invite you out with her friends. She may ask you a lot of questions and seem genuinely interested in you.
Some Examples of Positive signals:
Flicking her hair
Qualifying to you (being more compliant to your advances)
She’s double texting you
Strong eye contact
She agrees to go out with you
She allows you to touch her by not moving away when you do
If you’re looking to date attractive women that get hit on almost everyday of their life, it boils down to subtlety. Subtleties be displayed in the form of stealing tiny glances at you and then looking away almost immediately. Whether it’s intentional or not, it doesn’t matter. Your ability to notice and play along with these subtleties is something you develop with experience. Chances are, if reading this article, the majority of success you had with women only happened because she initiated. In my experience, a lot of women, especially attractive women, won’t initiate with you, in addition alongside with the cultural pressure to wait for the man to initiate.
This brings me to the next category.
Typically, a man knows within a couple of seconds if he’s sexually attracted to a woman or not. Women aren’t like that. They are often quite unsure about a man and need to be swayed on way or another.
The majority of girls you approach are going to fit into the neutral category. She doesn’t seem interested or doesn’t seem particular uninterested. If you’re out with her, when you slightly touch her on the shoulders, she will not move away, however, she may not give you any signal that she likes it. She may agree to come back to yours, however, when you make your advances, she pushes your hands off.
She gives you logical responses
She’s lukewarm with her attention
She’s doesn’t really agree or disagree to your opinions
She agrees to go out with you but post phone it
She pays attention to what you say but isn’t too bought in
I’ll say that 80% of the women you approach and go out on dates with are going to end up in this category. The ones that you don’t weed out is going take up the most of your time from the get go. I highly recommend you screen from the get go (it’s a good frame to screen either way) so that you don’t end on on a date that goes to nowhere.
Secondly, women do not ever stay in this category. They’ll eventually become receptive or unreceptive. If you’re not going to make a move, she’s going to figure out you’re not the confident individual you frame yourself to be and she’s going fall into the unreceptive category.
Negative signals can come in the form of wanting to bring her friend along when you ask her out for coffee. If you approach her by the bar and she tells you she wants to spend time with her friends, then she’s unreceptive. It’s important to note that a lot of sexual attraction is fleeting. You might have a lot of attraction going for you with a girl at the night club and she totally forgets you the next day.
She comes up with excuses to why she can’t meet you
She’s moving away from you in person
She’s not texting back at all
She has negative body language to you
She doesn’t give you a slight bit of attention
Your interaction with her feels coldly indifferent
All in all, negative signals are pretty obvious. If you’re a functional human being with least bit of social skills, you SHOULD be able to figure out negative signals. No, they are NOT a ‘shit test’. You do not continue pursuing women that are not interested in you. That’s border lining on harassment.
Her dis interest can stem from multiple reasons. You’re probably of lower status that her. She is already in a committed relationship that she’s happy in. There’s no to and fro and natural chemistry when you’re with her hence, leading to incompatible. She has her period on. She’s not looking for a casual experience.
Lastly, don’t be biased about indicators of interest. If a girl isn’t into you, then see it for what it is and move on. If you find yourself conjuring up reasons as to why she’s interested in you, she’s probably NOT into you, and you’re going to waste a lot of time.
However, there are nuances to this. There are many women out there who are quiet and shy that won’t show obvious indicators of interest. This brings me to the next portion.
What if She’s Acting all Quiet and Shy?
When getting good with women, you’re often told to dress well and fix your body language. You might think: I have done all this work by investing in myself, why isn’t she marrying me on the spot right away? Naturally, you’ll think that putting all this work will lead to a smooth sailing social interactions, right? This may lead to you to have higher expectations of your interactions with girls and people.
This isn’t often the case. On the flip side, from the girl’s point of view, she may perceive you as an attractive individual that she feels shy being around. No matter how many suits you purchase or the deodorant you wear, understand that girls are human’s beings too. They feel shy or stifled and that social interactions are imperfect by nature.
In the modern world of dating advice, many forward thinking dating coaches for men have came forward with the idea that the biggest indicator of interest is if a girl is still there with you. She’s willing to spend time with you.
If a girl is standing beside you, whether she’s quiet or openly flirting, you can assume it’s a sign of an indicator of interest. I used to think that a girl will always openly show that she likes you. Only then, I would only be able to move the interaction forward. That may be true for Western cultures, however, in an Asian centric dating culture, a good percentage of women are shy and reserved in displaying affection.
There were dates that I went out on that didn’t ‘seem right’. There weren’t any of the obvious hair flicking or flirty touching. They’re often quiet and somewhat little introverted. I thought they were plain disinterested. However, that isn’t always the case. The fact that a girl is willing to spend a Saturday noon with me demonstrated that she’s already interested. She just felt a little reserved around me.
To put things in perspective, think of the time when you were a teenager and you had this huge crush on this girl. Every time she walked by, you felt stifled and you don’t know what to say. You would just stand there, dumbfounded, silent and quiet. This is especially true if you’re an attractive individual yourself. If you have good game, that can make girls and others naturally feel reserved around you initially.
So, ultimately, what gives? How can you tell if she’s interested and wants you to make a move or not: 1) she’s quiet and attentive 2) if she’s flirting openly with you back and forth. Here’s where experience kicks in. One of the ways is to observe and listen to why she does or says something.
You’re trying to read her intentions here.
In one of my last relationships, a girl I dated was really sweet around me. However, as soon she and I were around her friends, she acted the total opposite of prim and proper. If I had read her ‘disinterest’ when we were around her friends, I would have discounted the fact that she was only sweet around me.
She could be shy and reserved around you but outgoing around her friends. So ask yourself, why is she only outgoing around her friends? Could she be shy around someone she’s interested in? Instead of seeing her introverted nature as disinterest, that could be an indicator that she wants you make a move. On the flip side, some women are shy in group settings, but may be expressive around you and is able to open up to you.
How to Really Know: Pull The Trigger
If you’re not sure if a woman is attracted to you, or think that you’re stuck in the ‘neutral’ category. The best way find out if a woman she wants you to make a move is to pull the trigger and move the interaction forward. You can sit on the fences, debilitating your next move for months…. OR… you can risk the rejection. Not by trying to overanalysing the hundred and one indicators of interest, but by acting.
This means being moving the interaction forward deliberately to a more sexual and romantic one. It’s also forcing her make a decision about how she actually feels about you. This can be as simple asking her for her number, asking her out on a date or being more sexually aggressive in your interaction with her.
You don’t want to waste time on women who are a time sink. You’re rarely going to change the mind of a women who’s not interested in you. Yes, you can lay off for a period of time and then come back and try again, with a new frame. However, in my personal experience, it rarely works in that way. You’re better off meeting someone else.
How to Move Forward in a Calibrated Manner
For the risk averse, you can always pull the trigger in a calibrated manner. You can always use mini tests to see if she’s slightly interested and would not mind you making a move.
Instead of blurting out:
“Hey, I’ll like to go on a date with you”.
You can always reframe and say:
“Hey, just popped into my mind, what are you thoughts on coffee with an interesting Singaporean guy?”
This way, you can baby step the interaction and see if she’s ready for you to ask out. If she’s not, then you tune it back and chat and flirt some more. The key idea here is to be able to demonstrate interest without forcing her to make a final decision on the relationship.
To use another example, instead of grabbing her by the face and attempting to kiss her on the onset, you can try to touch her on the shoulders, then the waist and the face to test out how comfortable she is with physical touch. Instead of outrightly saying that you want to have sex with her, why don’t you invite her to your place for a popcorn throwing contest? Or something casual such as hanging out with your dog or taking a look at your baby photos? This way can always soften your approach and leave an exit route for her.
Ultimately, it’ll come a point where you need to move your interaction forward and ‘attempt to close’. If she’s not interested after a couple of tries, then I suggest you move on.
This is why learning how to generate leads through online dating methods or cold approach is extremely important. One of the reasons why people get hung up on figuring out if she’s interested or not is because they are not talking to enough women. Either that, or they are too afraid of a rejection: fearing that a rejection may challenge their self identity.
One of the most important concepts here is: time sink. You do NOT want to be wasting time stuck in your figuring out if ONE woman wants you to make a move on her or not. You want to be proactive, pull the trigger and figure it out yourself.
You should be pursuing women from your own personal values. You approach and talk to her because it’s your personal values to pursue women you desire. Whether she rejects you or not, it does not matter, your actions are merely an expression of your values.
When you’re upfront and honest about your desires, there’ll be good percentage of women that are going to say no. That’s fine, take the rejection on the chin and move. This saves you wasting time, effort and needless mind games of asking yourself if she’s attracted to you on not. However, they’ll also be the ones that say yes.
One of the top question that males desire to answer: how to get laid? If you want to get laid, let’s just say you got to be minimally sexually attractive to women. There’s hope. There’s an entire movement dedicated by men figuring out how to get laid.
If you haven’t noticed by now, this site dedicated to dating advice for men and we cover:
However, for this particular article, I’m going to presume that she’s already attracted to you, you have been going out on dates and you’re looking to take it to your next goal: to get laid.
There’s a misconception that women desire long term relationships before being willing to sleep with you. Now, there is going a demographic of women that’ll strictly believe in sex after marriage. Vulnerability need not be confused with commitment or attachment. It’s possible to experience a powerful connection with a woman and never desire long term commitment with one another.
No, despite all the crazy dating advice out there, you can’t actually change someone’s values overnight. You’re going to be hitting up against the wall, no matter how smart you think your lines or techniques works. It rarely works, if even at all.
There’s a quote by entrepreneur Tim Ferris:
“A person’s success in a life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have. This is true especially when it comes to setting out expectations and boundaries in your dating life.”
I argue that dating is statistic game. It’s a numbers game. There are going to be a percentage of women that you interact with that’s going to be willing to go out with you. Out of that, a percentage is going to be attracted to you and are willing to date you. Then out of that, a percentage is going to be alright with casual sex, and the other percentage is going to be a conservative no. The art of good game is to figure out the ones that aren’t, so that you don’t waste time on them, and capitalise and not make mistakes on the one that do.
How to Get Laid: The Art of Being a Hard Closer
If you’ve always been a ‘Mr Nice Guy’, then you must be willing to be pushy and willing to piss off some people around you. Yes, attracting women and getting laid IS controversial by nature. You need to be pushy and assertive in your interactions. You need to play to win. Women are turned on by your desire for them. You need to be a hard closer.
On the other hand, if you’ve alway as believed yourself to be extremely attractive and you’re still not getting laid, then it’s time to adjust. Only by letting go of the narratives you tell yourself, that you’re free to pull the trigger.
Step 1) Mindset: Take Responsibility for the Situation
There is a difference in the perception of casual sex in Eastern and Western cultures. This is largely, and hugely ignored in the dating advice industry. This is also something I stress upon time and time again.
Ethics is a cornerstone my philosophy in attracting women. However, it’s important to note that Asian cultures are much more sensitive in nature. If you are too ‘honest’ in your interactions, it might come off as rude, insensitive, blunt, even if don’t mean it to be. In Eastern cultures, you’re dealing with sexual shame: relationships, love, intimacy isn’t exactly openly discussed over dinner tables.
When starting out, I was brash and upfront. I mean, that’s what you read in pick up artist books right? Such brash attitudes only connected with women who are more liberal minded. It didn’t really click with the majority of the women in an Eastern culture.
Like it or not, women (and human beings) are influenced by cultural values. Consciously or subconsciously, when in their dating life, women are also influenced by cultural values. In general, I don’t believe that women in Eastern culture desire to sleep with the cocky funny asshole player type of person.
Look, I’m not saying that getting laid in Eastern and Western cultures are completely different. The fundamentals of how to attract women are the similar. However, it is how you actually go about doing it. If you wish to get laid, then you need to adapt.
Step 2) The Anti Slut Defence
One of the defining philosophies that was born out of the pick up artist community is the idea that you got to understand the ‘anti slut defence’. In modern society’s eyes, if a girl hooks up with a guy, she’s a slut. If a guy hooks up with a girl, he’s the hero. It’s a double standard by modern society that makes sex, dating and relationships complicated and confusing.
This is why women in most cultures (especially collectivistic cultures) are going to be more passive when letting you know that she’s interested in you.
You got to come from a mindset that if she hooks up with you, it’s your responsibility. It’s not her fault and or responsibility at all. If you take all responsibility away from her, she’s allowed to blame you or external circumstances when you make your sexual advances.
If you’re looking for casual sex, she has to be able to justify it amongst her friends. It has to ‘just happen’. They need to justify their behaviours to their friends why they went with you and hooked up with you.
Part of having good game is being socially aware to make sure she’s not perceived as a slut. This means only kissing her when her friends are not around, knowing when to make the right excuses and being empathetic about how she may be perceived.
I see men using misconstrued pick up artist routines such as handshakes or using bombastic pick up lines. The point isn’t to go over the board with your fanciful routines or a ‘high value’ portrayal, but to be empathetic, at the same time demonstrating that you are someone with strong boundaries and you have a willingness to walk away.
Understanding how to get laid in an Eastern culture is going to take time and patience. If you’re not into long term relationships, you still have to be prepared in investing time, effort and emotions into the dating game. This can mean going for 2-3 dates before hitting home run. This means going extra lengths showing her that you also care for her as a human being.
If you’re looking to get laid with a woman amongst your social circle. Then keeping your mouth air tight about getting laid with her is going to hugely lower the potential “social cost” of her hooking up with you. This is especially true for an Eastern cultured society. She definitely doesn’t want others around her and you to know about you guys hooking up.
I used to purposely take the girl I am dating out of University grounds just for the sole purpose of not letting others know that we’re dating.
Step 3) The Right Frame
Let’s assume most women do not desire date down. She’s also most likely do not want to have ‘casual sex’ with someone of a ‘lower status’. To get laid, a lot of it is down to the right frame. How can you convey to her that you are a high value male that she wins by sleeping with you. Are there stories that you can tell from your life that demonstrate that you are non judgmental, discreet that makes sex a win for her?
How can you frame sex as a win for her? Even better, can you frame sex in such a way that she’s the one desire it, and not you? The best way is to get her to close you.
To give you an example, you can always pull back after escalating on her. If you’re already taking her bra off, you can always put it back on and say “you don’t fully trust her yet”. You are the one that feels it’s going too fast. You are the one that doesn’t want you to come off slutty now.
Frame control is an advanced concept that can be nurtured. To give another example, you can frame it in a way to get her to ‘earn you asking her back to your place’. 1) You’re perceived as a high value individual. 2) She doesn’t feel slutty. This can be easily framed by saying: ‘Hey I can totally trust you to come to mine right? You’re not going to embarrass me in front of my siblings right?”
Or… “Hey are you a little adventurous? That’s cool perhaps I can take you somewhere after this”. In this frame, she earned it by being adventurous and you seed the idea that the interaction may go somewhere after this.
Step 4) How to Get Her Back to Your Place
Now, assuming you’re on your third date, you guys are already making out and the next logical step is sex, then going from there to sex can be as simply as making an excuse to go back to yours. The general rule of getting her back to yours isn’t to ask her. It’s to lead. It’s to make the interaction subtle and socially intelligent. Finding an excuse to get her back to yours is a socially intelligent way to do it. You can stock up on alcohol at yours and then ask her over for drinks.
There’s no need to outrightly verbalize: “let’s go home and we’re going to have sex now”. If you’re verbalizing everything, you’re also showing a lack of confidence and social intelligence. That’s unattractive and a turn off for women. It shows that you aren’t able to put yourself out there emotionally and have to somewhat verbalize to justify your sexual advances.
Some men face the problem of staying with their parents. I recommend ironing out this problem out with your parents. It’s the matured thing to do. I remembered that I would awkwardly drive my Dad’s car to my place without asking her if she wants so to come after a date near a bar at my place.
Step 5) Dealing with Last Minute Resistance
The term last minute resistance or ‘LMR’ is coined by the pick up artist community. LMR is when women resist last minute when she’s already in your room or bed. It when you’re taking out her bra and she pushes you off and tells you “we’re not having sex tonight.” I’ve had these situations quite a couple times throughout my dating career.
Be Empathetic about It
Ideally, you don’t want LMR to happen in the bedroom. You want to frame it right from the start. This can be done by setting out expectations in an open and calibrated manner. The majority of men are going to try to manipulate their way into a girl’s pants. YOU are going to be the minority is actually able to communicate and lay out expectations in vulnerable manner.
Basically, be 100% open about sex and talk about sex openly. This can mean talking about sex openly with her. If she asks you about if you see this going into a relationship, don’t fucking say yes just for the sake of getting into her pants. Please don’t. Have some fucking self respect and ethics. Paradoxically, it’s this self respect and ethics that gets a girl to open up. In my experience, you can say that you don’t know and you aren’t looking for a committed relationship at this point of time. There are multiple reasons why you do not want to have a committed relationship because of work, travel, difference in geographical location or you just want to explore your options.
Up till this day, I’m proud of the fact that I’ve never mislead any women before. Ethics as a principle is also a value I want to stress as a dating coach.
She’s not going to feel like a slut if you’re honest about your desires with her. In fact, she’s going to feel the opposite, she’s going to feel you’re a human being and that you care for her to a certain extent.
I once had a girl over and she said: ‘We’re not going to have sex’. I immediately replied: ‘Yup, we aren’t.’ I was totally chill about it. To be honest, it’s a turn off to me when sex is forced or manipulated. Spoiler: she and I end up doing it anyways.
Talk about It
I find that openly talking about some of the objections she may have can help. It is to ask her if she’s comfortable with you. Is she looking for a long term relationship? Does she feel uncomfortable to hook up before a relationship/marriage? What are her values?
For years straight on, when I get asked if she and I are going to end up together: I simply say I don’t know and that is true. I’ll tell her I like her a lot and is attracted to her, but I don’t see myself in a committed relationship before sex. It’s kind of like being in a relationship just for sex.
When you’re upfront and honest about your desires, you’ll remove a lot of the necessary mind games. There’s no need to pressure anyone into doing something that they don’t want to do.
Either that, if she asks you about you being a player or the number of girls you’ve slept with, you can simply say that that’s none of her business.
The Freeze Out
Okay, assuming the sex really isn’t going to happen. You can try the ‘freeze out’ technique. I’ll turn on the lights and ‘freeze out’. This may elicit her to ‘miss’ the sexual tension and desire it more. This strategy is coined from old school pick up theory.
If all Fails… Then What?
Okay, assuming it’s way past midnight and are you going to let her stay? I used to be alright with girls coming over and not wanting to have sex. I even rationalised it as ‘at least I got someone to hug to sleep.’ That was due to my lack of boundaries at that point in time. However, if nothing is going to go down, I’ll politely ask her to leave.
How to End things with Zero Drama
Usually, the male is more invested before sex and a woman is less invested before sex. The power dynamic of the relationship flips after sex. The power of choice that a woman had (to have sex or not) switches over to the man (whether to commit or not). If the power dynamic doesn’t switch, it usually a sign of neediness from the male.
You’re no longer chasing her and she’s the one chasing you. The length of how long you’re able to stay friends with benefits with each other depends on various factors. It’ll depend on both party’s abilities to keep things perfectly casual, which is tough.
One side will desire more out of the relationship. It’s no longer just about the sex, it’s also about identity and attachment. So, assuming you’re not in it for the long run, how do you end a casual relationship on drama free note? The solution is to have a clean break, or take a break from have a purely sexual relationship. This means setting strong boundaries, setting expectations clear and for Christ’s sake: stick it to it.
The majority of the guys will never approach a girl on the dance floor, or anywhere else in the club. They’ll loiter around her on the dance floor, attempting to grind up on her, or waiting for her to grind up on him. Is there a structure in picking up girls in clubs? Yes, and no. There is a structure you can when picking up girls in clubs. If you want to meet girls in the the club, a lot of it is down to window opportunity and balls. You have to get through everyone in the crowd and go talk to her.
How to Pick up Girls in Clubs and Bars: Pre Party
You need to prepare for your nights, instead of spearheading in head on.
Have Socially Savvy People to go Out With
When I started out, I invested in a dating coach for men and networked with other like minded individuals to go out with almost every other weekend. I made it a point to reach out to others to be more social. One way is to join social communities and forums and meet other guys who are serious about going out and meeting girls.
There were occasions when the usual friends that I club with aren’t available on Friday or Saturdays to hit the clubs. Since, I’m someone who enjoys going to parties and events and make it a point to at least go once a week. I make it point to reach out to a group of friends who aren’t in my immediate circle.
Dressing well automatically puts you in the ‘cool guy’ category that and someone of influence. It makes social interactions and starting conversations a lot much easier. You’ll have more influence over the immediate social settings around you. I’d also like to mention that dressing well doesn’t just affect your own social interactions, but it also helps you feel more confident.
The Positive Dominance Mind-set
You have a goal. The goal isn’t to ‘be social’, the goal is to go out and meet a girl. However, at the same time, you don’t want to be overly pushy. I call this the positive dominance mind set. One part of being masculine is being grounded. You’re not prancing around emotionally like a little girl.
You’re strong, but relaxed. When you’re dominant, you start taking charge of leading interactions, taking girls by the hands, leading them to the dance floor etc. This helps you dictate the flow of social interactions.
When you’re positively dominant, people are going to subconsciously (or consciously) look at you to make decisions within the group. Not to mention that leadership is an attractive trait to girls. You’re going to put yourself in a position to be seen as the guy who’s leading the interaction.
Smiling helps a lot when approaching. You’re not giving people or girls an excuse to outright reject you.
Being Social Throughout the Night
One other thing I learned about approaching girls in night clubs is that people wait too long to be social and to be in a social interaction. One of the advice from the pick up artist community that works quite well for approaching in the night club is to make sure you’re always in an interaction.
Your results can be maximized this way. This helps in social momentum as well. When you’ve gotten over your first few rough approaches, socializing and meeting new people becomes natural and fun. When you combine the adrenaline of approaching an attractive girl. These gives you a higher probability of succeeding.
When we’re going about our day, many of us are in a logical headspace, either from school or work. For months straight, I was either writing for the blog or catching up with academic duties. It can really hurt your social muscles.
Socializing is a creative activity. It is NOT a logical activity. In addition to that, thinking and obsessing too much about pick up technique or theory can mess your head up. How I deal with a logical headspace is to get into a social headspace by chatting with my friends, strangers, Hi 5-ing people in the club, having fun in general.
The ultimate rule of them all: bring fun to others. This includes your wingmen, your buddies, your friends and the new people you meet in a club. Think about it, why would others want to meet you unless you bring something to the table? If someone who dresses poorly just came up to you and creep up to you, you’re probably going to reject him or her.
Flip that around and put yourself in the shoes of others.
Ask yourself this: what’s valued in a night club situation?
Connections, fun, friends and alcohol. Unless you’re popping bottles (and your bank account) then you’d better be having fun and introducing people to each other. When you’re talking to strangers, approach attractive girls, and introducing them to each other, you automatically put yourself in a favourable position. You become the guy that everyone wants to know.
If you feel good, the people around you will feel good. If you feel sexy, she’ll feel sexy as well.
Lastly, it’s common for someone to put himself under a fuck ton of pressure when going out. Unless you’re the kind of person that performs under pressure, it’s merely going to work against you. I’m not huge into inner game self-talk. It’s unnecessary.
Understanding the Flow of the night
Now, once you got all of that preparation down, you can plan your strategies according to the flow of the night.
When you’re relying on your emotional state to approach, you’re going to burn out even before the night begins.
The club is a chaotic place with people moving around, the influence of alcohol, drunk friends and pretty girls to talk to. You got to embrace the chaos. However, at the same time, you’ve got to have structure. Finding the balance is the sweet spot.
Having a rough picture of how a night should go and flow can help you wrestle back control, and start implementing what you need to do at different point of the night.
Figure Out The Sequence of the Night
Depending on your lifestyle and your friends, you might be meeting up for dinner or pre-drinks before that.
1130 pm to 1230am
When you’re going in early at around 1130pm, this will allow you be start approaching in a social manner. This is the time where clubs aren’t that crowded yet.
The ideal would be just to go in and start talking to the small groups of people and warm up socially. You’re rarely going to get a girl interested in you off the bat around this time. This time is about building some connections, getting some phone numbers, having a little bit of fun, and just letting lose a little.
1230am to 230am
This is the point where you hit it hard and find interactions to commit to. This is where most ‘game’ comes into play. You’re approaching a lot, you’re getting rejected and you’re finding that one or two quality interactions that you’re going to commit to for the rest of the night.
It’s rare that she’s going to be alone. She’s going to be with her friends, both male and female. You’re going to spend the majority of your time winning over the influence of her friends, asserting yourself with her and getting her to subtlety signal to her friends that she likes you, and wants to be with you. You’re going to go from stranger, to somebody who has mutual affection and interest in her.
Ideally, you’ve also collate a list of numbers you’ve gotten for the earlier on. You can start texting them to gauge their level of interest and go for the ones that are highest likely to go back with you.
You’re also being more polarizing and finding out where you and she stand in the interaction you are in.
This is the point where you’re ideally with a girl that likes you a lot and her friends are comfortable with you being around her (and potentially bringing her home). You’ve established to her and her friends that you’re interested in her sexually and her friends are alright with that.
Getting there is the part where ‘game’ comes in. It’s a fine balance between socially empathetic and socially dominant.
Taking Her Home
Ideally, you’ve found a girl that’s interested in you sexually. She downs to have fun, her friends aren’t in your way and she knows how to deal with it. This is the part where you take full responsibility and you lead. This is done by finding excuses for her to go ahead without her friends and for her to come back to yours.
There is chaos in meeting women through night clubs, however, there’s an underlying structure beneath all of it. If you understand the rough outline of meeting women in clubs, you have a structural advantage the majority who doesn’t know what they’re doing. I see guys attempting to ‘day game’ from 1am to 2am. It’s ridiculous. What makes you thing some random stranger outside the club is going to go back with you? She’s probably on her way to another club, or on her way to meet her friends. Your chances are best IN the club.
How to Flirt in Clubs: Cold Read and Tease
Firstly, keep your sentences short and sweet. There’s no need to roll off words of gold your mouth.The words that actually tumble off your mouth don’t really matter. Your intentions are going to matter more than the words said.
Women are fairly intuitive and they can figure out your intentions. They don’t hear what you’re saying verbally, but your intentions. You can say whatever you want to, but your intentions are always louder than what you say verbally.
Whatever that rolls off your mouth in the club, your intentions are going to say: I like you, that’s why I’m talking to you. She’s going to know what’s up.
You got be comfortable at approaching strangers and striking a 5 minutes’ conversations. There’s a social momentum with it. Move on quickly from interactions that don’t go anywhere. Getting the initial approach down is just a small portion of the picture. It’s what you do for the next 5 minutes in the interaction that matters.
The clubs are noisy, with loud music. You can’t talk much and you have to rely a lot on short sentences. People are there to have fun and not to have meaningful or deep conversations. I’m a nerd and enjoy nerdy conversations. However, in a club, you got to stick to short sentences, good body language, and physicality.
The club is not a great place to have long conversations, hence it’s important to know how to flirt with her physically.
Flirting with her physically is accomplished using non verbal communications. When you’re cold reading and teasing her, you should also standing really close to her. You can then touch her lightly on the elbows or waist, to gauge how receptive she is to your advances. Teasing her also shows sexual intent and interest
“You seem like a really friendly person, what’s with that shocked look on your face?”
There was a point where I was cold reading too much in the club. I had to fine tune my approaches. I had to limit my interactions to one cold read for the purpose to break the ice, and then move on to teases, role playing and flirting with her physically right off the bat. If the girl likes you, she’ll be okay with you touching her.
Being Physical: Flirt and Get Physical Right Off the Bat
In a cold interaction, it’s on you to lead the interaction. You have to lead verbally, emotionally, physically and logistically. Girls, especially Asian girls, are not going to give you an inch of space. That’s because it’s deemed slutty or creepy for a girl to initiate a conversation. She’ll be afraid of how other girls will judge her in that moment if she initiated.
Furthermore, the hotter girls are never going to lead for you. That’s because they get approached on all the time and are rarely at the leading of the interaction where they have to take charge.
Here are some quick examples:
“You can be my little sister.” + Hug. “I’m kidding, you’re awesome.” + Hug
The push pull dynamic should be complimented with shoulder hugs or waist hugs. Rinse and repeat this process and you’ll get an emotionally charged interaction.
Touching a girl in the club also has got a lot to do with just grabbing it by the balls and being physical with a girl. Pulling the trigger and polarizing the interaction is more one of the key aspects of picking up girls in the clubs.
However, it’s important to note that some guys go up and are immediately are too physical with the girl. That might get you massive attraction off the bat, but it’s not socially smooth and it’ll hurt chances continuity in the interaction.
I know someone who can barely string a proper English sentence together. However, he approaches girls and claws them in with his muscular frame and attempts to kiss them within the first minute of the interaction. It’s a bold approach that polarizes girls immediately.
You can also lead her to the dance floor to get physically intimate with her. It’s also a potential place to make out with her. However, there are just some girls that won’t go to the dance floor because she might just want to stick to her friends, or her friends might judge her for going to the dance floor with a guy and etc.
One tip I found out is to never ask, but to attempt to lead her physically. Just grab her by the hand, and get her to follow.
Re-approaching Her and Giving Her Space and Time
More often than not, girls aren’t really receptive at the start of the night. They also won’t go home with you when they’ve just entered the club. They want to drink, hang out with friends, party a little, have a crazy story when they’re out with a couple of friends. You’re most probably not going to get much results from your initial interaction with her.
So what happens if you’re not making out with her at the start of the night? It’s simple, you get her contact number, leave the interaction, and talk to your friends or other girls. You can leave all your interactions, and re-approach her later.
The entire club becomes your friend. You not only make new friends, but now, you have some social proof that you can leverage on to make more friends, and look popular and awesome in her eyes.
One other common mistake I see is guys grabbing her and touching her on the get go when approaching. That’s great. That’s actually recommended. However, it’s not about just grabbing and touching her, it’s about calibration. Remember, two steps forward and one step back.
In general, guys know immediately whether we want to have sex with a girl in a couple of seconds. Women require more time and information to make a decision on that. When you give her space, and show that you have empathy, you already stand out from 99% of the male population. That’s also an attractive trait.
This can be demonstrated using statements like: ‘I understand how you feel’, ‘If I’m being too pushy, let me know’.
Handling Her Friends
Some times, I hang out with a couple of guys from the pick up community, they’ll have intense battle plans and tactics before going into the club. They’ll select out their wings, come up with customized plans to ‘distract her friends’. It’s also known as the ‘isolation’ tactic that many dating coaches preach.
Girls, especially the hot ones are going to be hitting the clubs as an entourage. They also feel safer and secure with their friends, so let them be!
Secondly, what does it say about your value as a man if you have to resort to such tactics in order to get her attracted to you. It just merely means that you aren’t enough, and that you need to ‘distract’ her friends in order for her to like you.
The better way to do it is to win the influence of her and her friends. It’s also a more sustainable manner.
I know, some times the friends of girls can be a major cock block. I’ve been there multiple times. The best strategy is to often kill them with kindness. Talk to the fat friend. Imagine how she feels when her friend always gets all the attention when they go out to the club and she gets completely ignored.
Some times, things may not go your way. She may be overly invested in her friend’s opinion of her rather than actually having fun in the club and meeting people. If two people lead a codependent relationship, there’s not much you can do to convince them otherwise. They’re not right for you, you simply have to move on.
The first rule of social skillsets is this: make it fun! Come from a point of adding value to someone’s night. Don’t be a social leech. Bring fun and add something to the group.
If you’re dressed well, and are having a good time and experience good emotions, you’ll automatically feel good and be able to ‘add’ to the fun of someone else’s night.
Talk to her guy friends and acknowledge them. If you notice something cool about someone, be it a guy or not, then say it. It’ll show that you have social intelligence. Furthermore, everyone likes to be appreciated and talked to
Most of the times, the most beautiful girl will have the highest social value in the group. The group will more or less compliant to her. Sometimes, you won’t actually have to win her friends over, as they are all following her lead in the interaction.
However, that’s not always the case. It’s your job to lead in conversation, physicality, and logistically. How good you do this will determine if the rest of the group would comply or tell you to fuck off.
You’ll have to aware of the self-interest of everyone at given point of time. What are their intentions and behavior? What do they want? Do they like the same girl as you do, and if so, how are you going to manoeuvre yourself in a socially savvy manner to get the girl that you want.
Here are the general guidelines when faced with confrontations:
Kill Them With Kindness
Make Him Look Like He or She One Taking Out all The Fun
Move On to The Next Interaction
Hook Them up with Someone Else
One other thing that helps a lot with immediate influence is your dress sense. If you’re dressed like you’re an influence, people will defer and give you more leeway in social settings. Lastly, there’s no way about it. Getting good at this requires guts and rejection. You’re going to piss someone off in the process of getting what you want out of interactions. You cannot please everyone.
How to Pick up Girls on The Dancefloor
The dancefloor in the club can be considered the meet markets of the club. Think about it, the tables are for huge social groups. The bar is for people to get drinks. The dancefloor is actually the place where girls and guys go to meet each other. It’s rare to find a guy approaching outside the dancefloor. Even if so, if he’s to approach in the dancefloor, it’s normally through body language, and less words.
First Rule is To Have Fun
Having a ton of fun and putting on a smile on your face is the first step to attracting more attention on the dancefloor.
Approaching a girl on on the dancefloor is either through body language or just going up to say Hi. There’re no other forms of communications that I’m aware of.
Less Words more Dancing
The dance floor is a messy place, with guys, girls, music and all of that jumping. It’s close to impossible to have a verbal interaction on the dance floor. The dance floor is where you have to approach strong and make your prescene known.
You’re going to have problems in talking in long sentences. Short sentences like saying Hi, and asking her for her name is alright. The key is to get physical as fast as possible. Either with shoulder hugs, dancing beside her, or grinding behind her.
Lead Like Your Life Depends on It
Don’t ask for permission to move. Just grab her by the hand and go to the dance floor. The majority of pick up is just grabbing life by the balls and just doing it. It’s assumed attraction.
Speaking with Your Body: Physically Escalating on Her Fast
Unless she’s really into you, it’s not a good strategy to just go up behind her and grinding her.
Even if so, there so many objections: her friends, she doesn’t know you, she doesn’t even know your name. It’s better to dance beside with light shoulder touches be a way to flirt on the dance floor, and then move on from there. If they are comfortable with that, then move behind them. If they’re comfortable with you being behind them, then make a move by holding her waist.
You can also strike minimal conversation to stand out.
Once you’ve ‘opened’ using body language or verbally, it’s time to escalate and lead. Firstly, dance by her side. Then escalate by putting your hands on her shoulder or her waist. Then proceed, to dance behind her. Then turn her around with her facing you. Then the make-out.
The rule of thumb is similar to all other interactions: always be leading.
Learning how to pick up girls on the dance floor is a subtlety. Sometimes you approach verbally and say Hi, before dancing. Other times, you approach physically (dancing) and say Hi.
Think about it. The guys that don’t know about ‘game’ is still getting results in the clubs in spite of having ‘no game’. They don’t think about fanciful openers, role plays, or intricate push/pull techniques.
They merely rely on their gut and go for it.
Our social brains are evolved to pick up signals from the opposite sex. It’s just that because of past negative experiences, traumas or conditioning, we then convince ourselves with our own stories that somehow we’re not good enough, not attractive enough and that “she’s probably not interested in me”.
I used to think that there’s an ‘escalation’ ladder when it comes to touching girls. However, there are many times that you end up kissing a girl without even holding her hands or hugging her even. Emotions occur in the moment.
Not Putting Her on a Pedestal
One other big insights I had from picking up girls on the dancefloor is that most of us put hot girls on the pedestal. This is especially so in the club where a vagina is somewhat the most valued currency, second to the guys splashing their cash on tables and drinks to impress the girls.
Combine this with just about every other mainstream advertising campaign that’s where you get pussy being put on the pedestal.
This is where techniques and lines has it’s limits. It’s our own self worth, our own beliefs of our attractability, and out own beliefs about people, girls and ourselves that hold us back.
How to Handle her Friends?
There are going to be instances where you’ll get rejected. Her friends will pull her away and give you a creep stare. It happens a lot, especially in more conservative cultures. Here’s the truth: you can’t control other people’s behaviour. You can only control your own behaviour.
The rule of thumb is to make friends with her friends. Be friendly, yet assertive. This takes a little intuition. Look at her body language, is she worried about what her friends think? Is she looking for approval from her friends. If so, you should then adjust and befriend her friends.
On other occasions, I think it’s alright to just go for it. If she’s alright with it, her friends will be alright with it.
Like all other areas of getting good with girls. You’re not going to do well on the dancefloor if you don’t have your basics such as body language and your fashion sense down. Intentions are also a big part of picking up girls on the dancefloor. Some times, I see guys approaching girls like mechanically like machines, most of the time it just doesn’t turn out well.
How to Take Her Home
The principles on how to take a girl home from the club is similar to how to take girls home in general. You got lead like your life depends on it and relieve her of the pressure of feeling like a slut.
So what are the signs?
If you’re making out heavily and she’s all over you. It’s safe to say that she’s down. Some other signs include: she isolates herself from her friends with you, she’s willing to take your lead or she’s willing to grab supper with you. This can only be found out by leading in the interaction. This can be accomplished by making leading statements: let’s grab supper. Grab her hand, and lead without apology. You got to be fully responsible for seducing her.