Category Archives for "Dating Advice for Men"

Dec 01

Why I’ll Never Ask Her to Be My Girlfriend Before Sex

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Every modern dating problem starts off with the proposition that women are the gate keepers of sex and men are the gate keepers of commitment. We are brought up by modern culture to equate love with sex, and sex with commitment and passion with unconditional love.

Some people swear by commitment, the ideals of traditional loyalty, asceticism and marriage. They proudly thump it on their chest their badge as a moral badge. Others go against it, swearing off traditional norms of mating. They wish nothing but for polyamory.

Yet how we have driven ourselves senseless. To the point to equate long term emotional attachment to celebratory moments of passion, and vice versa.

One must consider the proposition that traditions such as traditional labels of a relationship or even marriage are nothing but societal constructs. Or maybe they are merely evolutionary means to keep the human species going.

The hundreds of couples of getting together to appease social norms. Only to find themselves displeased, dejected after weeks, months or years of habitual living. Are we only going to celebrate love and affection only after certain conditions are met? What if we were doing too much to fulfil these conditions? Or maybe expectations? What if our intentions were not the purest and only means to an end?

One must not conflate lust and unconditional love.

Yet, on the other hand, isn’t it a life of moral goodness to live a life of commitment to one partner. Yes it is. However, how many do it from a standpoint of moral goodness? If we desire for commitment before engaging in physical affection, then we must remember that if it’s traded commitment for affection, then it’s not unconditional after all. It’s only a temporary trade.

Oct 28

How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back without Being Desperate

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

I get a lot of: “how to get my ex-girlfriend back” questions and requests. The majority of them don’t eventually end up being a client. The majority of these clients coming in, they’re actually looking for a short-term solution when they are outrightly asking “how to get your ex girlfriend back”. I’m going to address this in this article of firstly how to get your ex-girlfriend back, and secondly to have the right mindset about this.

How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back without Being Desperate

These clients probably got dumped out of the blue and now they’re trying to get their ex-girlfriend back. There are solutions to this, short-term solutions that will rely on game theory and short-term psychology tactics. The first short-term strategy you can use is actually using the pick up artist concept of: changing the frame. When you change the frame, you are changing the underlying meaning of the interaction between you and her.

So firstly right, let’s assume that you are the one being dumped.

Let assume you are the one chasing her, trying to get her attention back, trying to get her back in your life, and almost pleading with her. The underlying frame of the interaction is you are being dumped and you are chasing her back.

So Marcus, what do you mean by changing the frame? When you change the frame you’re actually reversing the rules. This means, demonstrating that: we have broken up, I’ve moved on with my life and I have better things to do, and I’m going to lead a life with or without you. This is what I mean by the underlying meaning behind changing the frame.

This can be demonstrated when you’re texting, this can be demonstrated on social media, this can be demonstrated when you speak about each other within your social circle assuming that you have mutual friends.

Of course you know in Asia it’s pretty … a tightly knitted society so news do get around. So yes, one of the most simple ways is to actually, you know, demonstrate that you are actually doing well in life without her. So that can be easily demonstrated on social media unless she blocks you (read: which is a pretty smart thing to do.)

I know so many couples that have broken up, they still text each other for some inane reason, and normally there is always one partner that’s trying to get back the other. Or there’s like some level of resentment and they are still trashing things out. Or both sides are being really reactive and there’s a whole, you know, rollercoaster dynamic right there, so one of the best ways to actually change the frame through a texting perspective is to actually give neutral responses, right?

Instead of pleading or trying to get her attention or trying to bribe her over with money, compliments and all of that. It’s better to give neutral responses in your text messages.

For example, if she’s trying to get some validation from you or she’s trying to initiate the conversation, or maybe she’s asking you:”do you ever see us getting back together?” You can actually reply by giving a neutral response which would entail something like, “I don’t know, but I wish you the best and you know, I’m pretty busy with this, I’ve actually tried out this new thing,”

It’s actually kind of going back to the days where you just met and trying to kind of demonstrate value again. Let’s be honest, a lot of people break up for different reasons, and one of the reasons is because the male or the female has actually, you know, gotten lazy in maintaining that relationship.

Compare this to the time when you guys first just met and both sides are actually putting in effort to put your best foot forward so that you can get her as a girlfriend or she can get you as a boyfriend. Hence, the short-term solution is change the frame, change the underlying meaning of the interaction between you and her.

However, I want to talk a little bit about the long-term solution, I want to talk about something that is not commonly talked about. This is the psychology of getting over your ex girlfriend. That’s because if you do not apply these processes, after the breakup, you’ll find yourself chasing that approval, your old traumas are being triggered, your abandonment issues are being triggered.

5 Stages of Grief and Loss: How to Heal from a Break Up

It takes time to heal from an affair and completely understand your ex’s infidelity. Unlike all other dating coaches that tell you to just ‘man up’, I am going to tell you it’s very normal for everyone, men or women, to go through a grief process of loss. This is researched in psychology: the five stages of grief.

The five stages are anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These five stages literally roughly mean those words. They do not come one after another and are an interconnected process where you can jump stages or you can experience this stage before that stage.

This was true for me from my own experience. When I was a teenager and I got dumped over just one text message. I was in denial. I was in denial for months until when I enlisted into the Singapore military and that’s where it all hit me. I was angry and I was sad all at one go. It all hit me and I broke emotionally. So this is why we need to heal. We need to grieve.

This grieve process is not spoken about. This isn’t addressed properly enough in especially Asian culture where the “man” is supposed to actually just be the tough guy and just take the loss. “Just take it on the chin”, and just move on! Let’s not address it, repress it and push it down. Only to find it boiling up after three months, half a year, or a year. Then you might end up going  into a fit or do something silly.

The Psychology behind 5 Stages of Grief and Loss

It’s that psychological loss will only heal if unnecessary containment such as unreasonable guilt and resentments can be worked out through. This plays out by trashing it out with your ex and achieving closure. This is why initially when you first break up, it’s quite important to trash it out and to lash it out.

Yet again, there are cultural narratives that says; “you’re not supposed to show your emotions”. You’re not supposed to feel, you’re not supposed to trash it out. Let’s not be angry, right? It’s very evident in Asian culture. How many times have you heard growing up: “just be the good kid, do not throw a fit, behave yourself!”

The second method suggested is to help the individual be prevented from feeling isolated and help to feel connected to others.

The third one is having a positive outlook.

So let me expand on these two last methods. So assuming that you’re going through a breakup process, you are still in the process of healing, of grieving. It’s important to get support. This can come from your community, from friends, from coaches and from therapy: through a clinical psychologist or through a licensed therapist.

I recommend therapy because especially when we’re young, our friends are not actually matured enough to actually guide us to the correct direction or to actually feel with us or sympathise or empathise with us.

This was true for me when I was a teenager. I remembered that after I broke up like for two weeks, my friends were at that point of time having a meal with my ex-girlfriend and posting it on social media. I felt butthurt about it. Getting psychologically support from friends might not be the best option.

The thing with relationships and breakups and psychology is that a lot of things can get messy. There’s a lot of nuances and weird things. The opposite party across you might be judging on it. Relationships are messy, people break up for all sorts of reasons, for irrational reasons, for weird reasons.

This is why I actually recommend looking into psychotherapy, into getting a therapist to actually guide you through the process. These people are usually much older than you, they are licensed, they have six years of clinical training to actually practice as a psychologist. You’re also dealing with science in a clinical setting and decades of research. Sometimes, I would pick that over having friends’ advice or friends’ support. Unless you have a really good friend who’s highly empathetic and highly sympathetic, and is able to truly empathise with you without judgment.

The Long Term Solution to Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back without Looking Desperate

Here is where I want to get into the long-term solution.

Some clients when they come through my marketing funnel when they’ve just broken up, they’re actually looking for a short-term solution which is trying to get an ex-girlfriend back. Trying to find out a strategy, a way, or learn game just to get a ex-girlfriend back, as a control strategy against hurt and abandonment trauma and emotional growth.

The long-term solution is to actually understand the psychology of your breakup, of why you ended up breaking up in the first place. For one, rollercoaster relationships are a huge reason why people break up in the end, because you were leading an unhealthy relationship with her.

I recommend looking at attachment theory. There’s decades of research on anxious and avoidant attachment. The dynamic between anxious and avoidant attachment is where one person is chasing and the other person is avoiding and it just flips to and fro. This is an example of a relationship that I somewhat experienced when I was a teenager. I was avoidant and she was anxious and then we just flipped around where I chased her and she chased me and it was never ending to the point where it just got too frustrating for both sides.

Psychologists theorise we experience romantic love similarly to how we experience love from our parents when we were a kid, and we tend to confuse the two where we think that the love that we are getting from our partner is akin to our parents.

This is why when you break up you’ll feel super triggered and you’ll feel like your life is ending. That’s because as a kid it’s your interest to survive and you need that love from your parents. Now that you’ve grown up but your psychology is not matured enough and now that your girlfriend or your boyfriend has dumped you, this is akin to your parents abandoning you and going against your needs for survival.

You’ll require emotional awareness to actually differentiate the two.

Hence, a long-term solution is to actually understand rollercoaster relationships, understand the psychology of why you guys actually broke off right. And whether it is a healthy relationship in the first place.

Closing Thoughts

I was in a mess after my ex-girlfriend dumped me over one text message. I remembered spending the next three months in a living hell in my head trying to get her back, trying to get her on the phone. I emotionally broke down all alone on a military island. That was the point where I realised that I really didn’t have it down right.

I used to think I was a tough guy. I did martial arts in my teens, I got into street fights, and I used to think I was tough. That was what got me to repress my break up. I could tell you exactly what I felt at that point in time, I was like: “screw that bitch I’m going to go into the military. I’m going to be an military officer. I’m going to achieve my way through this pain”.

On the contrary, within eight days into the first 14 days confinement in the military, I broke down and everything just went haywire. I wasn’t even motivated to actually achieve in the military. This is why I want to stress: emotional health, understanding the psychology of relationships and dating is extremely important.

Lastly, this concept isn’t addressed enough in Asian culture. It’s something that’s not spoken or actively discussed in Asian culture. I hope everyone reading this took something away something and actually maybe start valuing your dating and relationships life and understanding your own psychology.

Jun 23

Date with Social Distancing using Online Apps in Singapore

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

COVID 19 hits, Singapore went into lockdown… and you are single. Suddenly you find yourself at the mercy of online dating applications such as Tinder. I am currently residing in Singapore and due to the Covid 19 pandemic and the Singapore government policies, there is going to be huge difference in how dating and relationships dynamics are going forward for minimally the next 12 months.

The Singapore government announced shutdown loosening measures that’s still pretty strict in the past couple of days. In short, most social gatherings are not allowed and most retail malls aren’t going to allowed to fully operate at scale.

This means:

  • You’re most likely not be able to approach women on the streets minimally till July 2020
  • You can’t rely on social gathering to meet women minimally till July 2020
  • You can’t rely on clubs and bars to meet women (this may be all year)

Your choices are severely limited. I do have my opinions on the loosening measures, I do think they are too strict, however, that’s not for this article and/or blog.

How to Date with Social Distancing and Masks 

If you’re in Singapore, social distancing and masks wearing are mandated by the law. (I do think it’s a little fascist, but oh well, what can we do). Let’s assume social distancing and masks are here to stay, because they are. You’re also not able to meet in social groups of five. Hence your probability of meeting another woman (or man) through social settings goes way down.

You’re not able to approach women in the day because of the covid 19 paranoia. Secondly, everyone’s wearing a mask. The pubs and clubs are closed. Hence, meeting a partner through those avenues are not available.

You may purchase a dating agency package and they may be able to set you up for 1:1 dates at a cost to you. That may work out. However, I’m not sure how that works in the long run, because I never used a dating agency before.

That leaves us with online dating and the forefront choice.

Tinder and Online Dating Shenanigans

The measures are not going to get less restrictive any time soon in Singapore and we’re going to take some time to return back to a ‘new normal’. The only thing you can do, is to… adapt. I haven’t relied on online dating apps for years and I reluctantly downloaded Tinder and Coffee Meets Bagel. It’s time to re learn these platforms and run some tests. I purchased Tinder gold and I will be testing some of the functions such as Tinder boost moving forward.

Last month, I was finally co-erced by the pandemic to downloading all dating applications and tried my best at putting up a good presentation of myself online.

  • Tinder

The consensus around industry leaders agree that you’ll mostly only be able to get results from paying for the premium services on dating applications.  Last month, I tried out Tinder gold and Tinder boost.

You can get matches and conversations, however, you’re up for a ton of cat-fishing. There are a bunch of PRC China girls profile that are looking to scam you and take your money. I mean, some men can really be stupid when they are desperate. Some of my friend’s friends commented that they have been scammed before. For this reason, I hate Tinder. There’s too many of these Fan BingBing looking fake profiles.

Purchasing Tinder gold allows you for one Tinder boost. Yes, my matches increased after using the boost in the evening at strategic timing at 6pm. I got some Singaporean matches and a lot of Chinese matches.

Source: https://www.nielsen.com/us/en/insights/article/2016/got-a-minute-how-our-use-of-communication-apps-changes-by-the-hour/

Note: these results isn’t statistically significant because I only tested using one boost. However, I am guessing that most (high quality) Singaporean women aren’t on Tinder to find dates. This isn’t surprising. It’s stance I reinstated for years.

  • Coffee Meets Bagel

I also synchronised my online dating profiles across different platforms from Coffee Meets Bagel, Tinder and OkCupid. This is to get a somewhat statistical significance on the impact of certain variables of the profile from photos to words on the profile

Results: I managed one strong lead that went cold after 3-4 days on Coffee Meets Bagel.

I didn’t pay for their paid subscription. I am guessing that you can get higher quality leads from CMB. However, that’s yet to be confirmed as I haven’t used the paid subscription from there.

Note: I also hold true to a high quality threshold when it comes to online dating. If anything, I do not wish to date down when we’re forced to transition in unprecedented times. Simply speaking, I do not wish date lower quality women as compared to when I didn’t need to use online dating as a channel. I might be proven wrong in time though.

  • Okay Cupid

Okay Cupid makes a strong case by updating its app and user interface. I remembered using this app in my early twenties due to influence from another friend who was somewhat 100% reliant on, on online dating apps. He had no friends and hated approaching women.

He ended up dating a cute local University undergraduate girl from Okaycupid and I was thoroughly surprised. I’ll be testing this app moving forward.

No surprises here, you need to pay to get matches.

  • Bumble and Paktor

I also downloaded Bumble and Paktor. Not surprisingly, they both also require paid subscriptions if you want to get anything out of it. Paktor also seems to be a lot more localised and require the opposite sex to put up skin in the game as well. This may very well be a quality filter. That means that people on it are going to be a lot more serious.

Finally, as of today, I don’t intend to splash a couple hundreds of dollars on online dating apps at a go in attempt to figure them out all at once. I’ll be testing out Okay Cupid, Tinder and Coffee Meets Bagel in the coming months.

Can You Still Day Approach and Rely on Bars and Clubs?

Let’s take a worst case scenario and say… clubs only reopen in 6 months. You’re not going to be able to get leads from clubs in the next 6 months or the rest of the year.

The Singapore government also mentioned phase one of reopening may take 4 weeks. This means don’t expect to get results from day approaches till July. This is hugely dependent on locations such as retail malls. Also, if everyone’s wearing a mask, it’s going to be extremely difficult.

This is why I have adapted and went to study online dating apps. (Results from one week of testing so far: I’m popular with PRC Chinese women, no idea why.) I’m guess ing they are stuck our island with not much friends or social circles, unlike our Singaporean women peers.

I wasn’t a fan of online dating apps because if I believed that the average man like me are going to get below average results with the Singaporean women population. Hence, I avoided them for years like the plague and relied on in person approaches.

However, as COVID 19 is here to stay, we have no choice.

Social Gatherings and Demographics

Since no social gatherings are allowed nor recommended minimally till July 2020, you can forget about getting leads through your friends or by joining interest groups. This may very well  last all the way till ‘phase 3’ of re-opening. Hence, gyms and places with recreational activities are closed in Singapore till further notice.

This option is out.

Learning Social Skills during COVID 19 Times

Finally, let’s not degenerate our skills in a semi shutdown. There are still ways to work on your dating life (or other areas of your life for that matter) despite a shutdown.

Firstly, by learning how to text, you can learn empathy and conversational skills. You can learn how to tease and how to flirt. How to connect on a deeper level and come up with creative conversational starters. No excuse.

Secondly, can you set up a FaceTime or a video call to move forward the interaction:

Thirdly, even after the shutdown is over, you can’t hit the malls or Starbucks for a coffee date. However, you can meet her at a park. You still need to be able to know how to escalate and close in those situations. You require relevant dating skills.

Still crushing it in love during Covid 19

Final Words and Some Personal Updates

On the business end, I was considering hosting consulting and dating coaching sessions online. So far, most of my clients that contacted me before the shutdown were interested in offline infield coaching. However, since the new measures are announced and I don’t expect them to change any time soon the business is going to take another hit on the offline coaching side.

That may, or may not change. If the measures are extended, then I may really look at a long term marketing plan for an online coaching model.

On the other hand, I have been focused on generate organic traffic from Google during the shutdown and plan to digitalize the entire business in the mid to near future. This has been the focus for the past 5 months and will continue on for the rest of the year.

Yes, you CAN still get results with women during a shutdown, in COVID 19 times. You need to adapt, as I have and am going to. Lastly, don’t let your social skills degenerate in such times. If you’re not honing your skills, they are weakening with time. It’s the law of entropy.

Stay safe, and I hope we find a new normal soon.

You Still Need Social/ Dating Skills

Now, assuming you’re going to have an actual date as opposed to having a virtual texting/ messaging buddy. You’re still required to meet her in person and charm her.

Once circuit breaker measures are lifted and you are allowed to go on dates (in groups of less of 5: pun intended). If you had invested in yourself before the circuit breaker and are competent with in person dating skills such as starting a conversation and flirting, then it’s a matter of switching the channel of lead generation.

Personally, I am in the transition similarly. Online dating is not my forte. I am much stronger in in person interactions. However, one needs to adapt. If everyone’s going to be wearing masks and social distancing in the next 12 months, then you have no choice. Finding love and dates through online dating apps are the new normal.

 

May 17

The Push and Pull Technique and Method – Steal my Lines

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Pushing and pulling is an old and OG concept that arose from the old school pick up artist community. The idea of push and pulling simultaneously is to create interest and ambiguity that women find attractive. It can be expressed verbally or non-verbally. You can “push” by demonstrating more attention and interest. You can “pull” by disqualifying yourself as potential partner.

There are different degrees of push and pulling. You can do it verbally, non verbally or a combination of both. If you wish to use it effectively, then understanding when you need to push and when you can pull is going to contribute a lot to your success. If you do it right, you can even get women to push on you hard.

Pick Up Artist Theory: Push and Pulling

Yes, push and pulling is an effective framework for beginners to understand the dynamics of flirting. In theory, you push if she’s pulling, you pull when she’s pulling. You can also implement lines that ‘push and pull’ as a means of teasing. I used to think that you only need ‘passive attraction’ to get women to be attracted to you. However, I take a middle ground these days, by actively implementing push and pull lines/ methods, you can make things happen in your interactions.

In general, you should always be pushing and pulling simultaneously. You only push when you feel you’ve pulled too hard and you don’t want to lose the interaction. If you think of interactions on a power scale, pushing gives up power and pulling successfully gives you more power. If you’re only demonstrating interest outrightly, you’re telling her that she can have you at any time. This is why that, in general, you should be demonstrating intent whilst disqualifying yourself at the same time. This way, you’re ‘balancing the power scale’ as much as you can.

The Push Pull Method: Understanding Where You Stand in Her Eyes

The ‘power scale’ is a means of understanding where you exactly stand in any interaction with a woman. Is she interested and should continue to push and pull? Or are you pushing too hard and you need some investment from her end (and you need to pull). Or is she already interested and you can pull to generate even more investment to get her to chase?

  • If you haven’t gotten her attention or her interested, then you can try to ‘manufacture it’ by pushing and/ or pulling.
  • If she’s pulling, you can push by ‘giving up some of the power in the relationship’, by outrightly demonstrating affection or interest.
  • If you’re over reaching to a girl, she’s feeling suffocated, you can ‘pull’ to balance the dynamic of the relationship.
  • You can also pull when she’s pushing to attempt to generate more investment when she’s pushing.

Teasing a girl one of the most effective and easiest manner to demonstrate interest and flirt. In theory, just about any cheeky tease can be considered a push and pull. A tease is negative verbally. However, it’s a positive non verbally. Hence, it’s a ‘push pull’.

Think about it, you only tease your old friends. You tease them ‘negatively’, for example, for their childish or slobbish behaviour. However, you also do it as a means of affection. They are alright with it, everybody laughs and it leads to further bonding.

Examples of Push Pull Lines – Steal my Lines

There are lines you can use in text and/ or in person:

“You’re so adorably annoying”
“You look interesting” (ambiguity, what the hell is interesting? Is that good or bad? This implies a push pull)
“You were attractive until you said X”
“That’s a great looking dress, I’m not too sure about the shoes though”
“We totally should not be doing this” (done whilst escalating physically on her)
“You’re so hot, but thankfully I’m a moral rock ;)”
“We should totally grab coffee, provided you’re not a psychopath”
“I should totally take your number, provided you’re not a secret psychopath that’s going to text 27 messages past midnight”
“Aw, you are ridiculously adorable”

Pushes are generally any demonstration of interest and affection. Pulls are generally any demonstration of disinterest or the fact that you are willing to lose the interaction. You get the idea. There are positives and negatives in your actions and statements. You can also combine outright pushes or pulls when the right time calls for it.

How to Push Pull Physically

There are ways to push and pull whilst flirting physically. This is what pick up artists call ‘calibration’.

You can show direct interest with direct body language and attention (push) and then disqualify using negative body language (pull) and alter them to different degrees depending on where you are at in the interaction.

You can push pull by escalating physically but disqualify verbally.  Saying “I should not being doing this” whilst you’re making out with her is a push pull.

Taking her to your place and saying outrightly that you’re going to kick her off your bed, is a somewhat a push and a pull. You’re pushing for sex and simultaneously disqualifying. Groping her intimately and then saying you are “not suppose to be doing it” is a push pull. In this example, push pull can be used as a means to set the right frame for sex to ‘just happen’.

Using push and pull physically can be as simple as flirting with her physically (increasing the frequency of touches) and then suddenly dropping it (using negative body language), then escalating it and dropping it. Push pull ultimately can be used as a means to build sexual tension.

How to Get Good at Push and Pull Naturally

So, how can you push and pull in the moment without relying on memorising lines? To get good at pushing and pulling, you need to get good at the art of improvisation.

This means taking an interest in language and appreciating comedy. You can take up stand up comedy classes, watch comedians on Youtube or take up improv classes. There are improv tools on the internet where they generate random words and you’re forced to improvise off that.

I started bettering my conversations by taking joining improv classes and sooner or later push pull became natural to me. There’s also no need to go crazy on this. In the most fundamental manner, teasing a girl is the most basic push pull. You’re saying something negative but your intentions are positive.

Limitations

However, there are limitations. I used to over rely on wit and came off sarcastic in my interactions. You cannot rely on words alone. In the art of seduction. You need guts. Yes you can calibrate. (if you see her feeling uncomfortable with your advances, you reel back with a ‘pull’). However, there’s no technical replacement for taking genuine risk in your interaction. You can’t push and pull your way into kissing her. Kissing her is mostly a matter of just pulling the trigger.

Furthermore, just relying on push and pulling is a horrendous manner to build a genuine and deeper connection. You need to have other conversational skills outside of teasing and coming up with witty push pull lines. Furthermore, you and I are all here to have awesome relationships with women, it’s not about proving who’s more quick witted.

Push Pull

Conclusions

Understanding the push pull dynamic and how to implement the lines are only about 10% of the entire equation. These days, I only use them as a means as an end, as a means to spark attraction or generate and interest. I always tell my dating coaching clients that I don’t really pay attention to memorizing lines consciously because once you get good at improv, teasing and flirting comes naturally to you. However, nonetheless, it’s a good model of understanding where you stand in a relationship.

There are many other facets to generating grounded, lasting attraction such as being able to connect on a deeper level to attempting to better your life. You can’t replace and attractive identity with only push and pull lines.

May 16

Why Women Don’t Like Me? – 4 Practical Steps to Solve it

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Ever wondered why women don’t like you despite all the dating advice you tried? Maybe you even tried pick up lines or techniques and it all fell flat in your face.

Why Women Don’t Like Me – 4 Practical Steps to Solve it

Here’s some tough love: you may be using dating advice itself to avoid the real issues: your neediness, your ego and your fear of rejection.

1) Sort Out Your Core Issues

Some people derived their self worth through trying to chase as many women as much as possible. They are trying to fill a gaping hope within themselves through the pursuit of body count. This can play out in the form of: material success, academic success or whatever forms of success. I’m no different either. I did it for years. It was one of the reason why I got into the dating advice industry.

It’s over lack of acceptance and willingness to deal with our core issues that leads us to a karmic loop chasing the next shiny object. You may spend years chasing tactics and strategies, without understanding the fundamentals. You’ll automatically pick out information that promises you that quick win, that magic bullet.

This is similar to attracting women using lines and routines without putting in the real work. If you’re working hard to avoid failure and rejection, you’re still doing it wrong. You may be approaching a hundred girls a day, however, you’re approaching them from a standpoint of lines and routines, you may just be working hard to avoid true failure and rejection.

You may read hundreds of dating advice blogs like this one, and you’re barely putting yourself out there to risk failure and rejection, you’re still doing it wrong.

It’s only when you accept where you’re at and that you’re going to face failure and rub against your insecurities in whatever you do is inevitable, that you’ll find yourself in a better position for progress.

2) Numbers Don’t Lie Measure Your Results and Let go of Your Ego

If you aren’t going out on dates or are still at 30 year old virgin, then your methods aren’t working period. It’s time to measure your results. You can’t be a successful business owner without a business that provides you with cashflow. You can’t be a successful blogger without website traffic.

My ego got to me after a couple of dating successes: I saw myself as an extremely attractive persona… truth is… I’m not, and am just like every other guy: worried about the same things.

It’s also realising that no matter how many dates or experiences I’ve had over the years; It doesn’t mean that I don’t have the put in the leg work for the next girl I’m going out on a date with, or that I don’t have to be consciously work on my core issues or beliefs.

Self awareness is like an onion that you constantly peel the layers of, and it gets more painful whenever you get closer to the core. You form higher order habits to better handle these anxieties and insecurities, however, at the end of the day, you have to go back to the core and deal with them face on.

3) Finding Purpose Beyond Dating 

If you started out thinking: if I read this pick up artist material, I would now be able to sleep with hot girls and be happy.

Modern culture often gets us thinking that there’s a destination to get to, this result, that result, then this job, then that promotion and then one day, we’ll get ‘there’ and it’ll all be awesome. If we got the high paying job, we’ll finally be able to land the hot girl. If you get the Ferrari, finally people will respect us.

Great, you got that down, however, now you’re exposed to a different set of problems: long term relationships and connecting with your deeper values. Life is a process and there’s no completion. Our problems just get more complicated. 

In the book: The Way of the Superior Man, David Deida suggests that your life purpose is connected to your masculinity: your non-neediness, and how dating success is merely side effect of an engaged life. You’ll need to find something more important than your dating life.

4) Decide to Win

How many of you project your lack self-worth onto the girls you talk to or date? How many of you walk into a Friday night date, a sales meeting or even wake up in the morning subtlety telling yourself that outcome you desire cannot be achieved? 

I know I have, along with hundreds of men every single day of their life. You’ve already lost the battle before it even started.

Here’s my point:

  • You don’t decide for her if she’ll actually like a guy like you
  • You don’t decide for her if she’ll actually kiss you/ go out with you or take your number

The majority of us start off believing that we’re only able to date a girl up to a certain calibre. Pay attention to cultural narratives that influenced you. Your beliefs on what you consciously/unconsciously believe you deserve. They may be formed through years of social feedback, your upbringing and environment.

Sometimes the hardest thing to recognise is that you are already good enough. If you go to the gym, take care of yourself, read nerdy self-improvement blogs like this… you’re already enough. It’s just that sometimes, we don’t give ourselves enough credit.

Have you ever wondered why assholes always ‘finish first’? That’s because these ‘assholes’ decided far ahead of time that they are going to win, despite the cost. They are hard closers. They are able and willing to piss off and step over others to get what they want. 

They are selfish in that sense. From an evolutionary standpoint, it’s advantageous to a woman to mate with someone who is willing to step over others to accumulate resources. (Read: Over generalizing here I know, but you get my point.)

Look, attracting women IS a selfish endeavour. Firstly, recognize that. Secondly, put yourself first and decide to win. I’m not saying that you need to be an asshole, I’m just saying that you need to make a clear decision to win.

 

May 15

What to Do on the First Date – Route to Passionate Sex

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Ever wondered what to do on the first date? How do you get to know her on a first date? How can you get her to get to know you on the first date? Can first dates lead to sex? First dates can be confusing. Some people opt for fanciful dinners, others say to keep it light.

In my opinion, as a first principle, you should treat all your dates like the first date: your dates got to lead to somewhere. You need to be the leader on your dates in conversation, in location and emotion. How well she gets to know you is going to be dependent on your conversation skills and ability to connect with someone.

What to Do on the First Date: The Ultimate Guide

  • Fancy First Date Idea? No, Stick to Coffee 

In general, I only plan for low cost and investment first dates. This usually means coffee at Starbucks or a cafe. If you’re a creep, she’s free to excuse herself since it’s a public area. If she doesn’t turn out like who she is on her Tinder profile, your investment is a mere coffee. You’re both free to excuse yourselves.

  • Pick a Central Location

Psychological research also shows that people value things more when they get they invest personal time, money and effort.

On picking a location, there’s no need to get fancy with crazy first date ideas. You should choose a neutral location between your place and hers. This way, she’ll be investing time and effort to travel to meet you. I almost never drive to pick anyone up for a first date.

However, you’ll soon figure out that time and money aren’t actually powerful forms of investment at all. If you’re honest to yourself, you should invest your time and money in all the wrong places all the time. 

  • Time: Evenings

You should ideally plan dates for the evening to generate more expectation. Oh yeah, a date out with her friends is NOT a date. 

  • Set the Tone

The first date is the date that is going to set the tone of your relationship with her. If she’s attracted to you and you don’t act upon it, she’s going to lose that attraction. 

  • Create Opportunities for Physical Intimacy 

In general, try to create opportunity for physical intimacy on the first date. This means, forget movie and dinner dates. They are too un-interactive and don’t introduce any physical intimacy: in the movie theatre, you’re are sitting beside her, silent and facing forward. Not a good idea to get to know each other.

If you’re at a restaurant, depending on your smart you are with your sitting position, you might end up sitting across her and facing her like you’re going in for an interview. That’s not good. You want to try to flirt physical during the first date. The problem with fancy dinners dates is that they’re also costly. Not to mention it’s really boring to just sit across someone and converse for the next 2 hours.

Plan Out the Route to From First Date to Sex

You are not actually going spend 4-5 hours coffee getting to know someone. You’re going to have to plan for at least three low investment form of activities. Ideally, start your date at around 6pm. You want to be peaking together at around 10 pm or 11 pm. The key is to give her the “I need to go home, but I don’t want to yet” feeling.

Here’s a common first date plan I use:

  • Meet her midway for coffee at Starbucks
  • Do something casual: walk in the parks, walks by the beach, visiting the bookstore or get her to join you in one of your hobbies
  • Grab drinks at a bar near your place
  • Find an excuse for her to come to your place

These dates are not only low cost, they also allows you to introduce the element of physical intimacy as you’re both doing something together.

So how do you choose the right locations to take her out to? This really depends on her personality. The hippies will prefer cafes, stand up comedy and music events. The more adventurous and sporty ones are going to prefer the outdoors. The shopaholics will prefer, erhem, the shopping malls. If you’re in a shopping haven like Singapore, you can go window shopping. You can ask her for her opinion on men’s fashion.

It’s also a good opportunity to expand your identity and your interests. Interested in singing? Invite her to your weekly karaoke session. Interested in martial arts? Get her to sign up for a trial class at your gym.

It’s fun to walk, talk, poke fun at her when she says something cute (or retarded). When you’re walking beside each other, it’s easier to punctuate your conversations with physical touches.

Ideally, you should be trying to flirt with her physically right from the get go. You should be teasing her in your conversations and punctuating your sentences with slight touches. 

2020 Update: These days, I don’t really plan out anything special for first dates. If you are generating enough leads through cold approaching or online dating apps, then you want your first date to me more of a screening process. There are going to be first dates that don’t go to anywhere. Hence, there’s no need to come up with fanciful ideas. I like the idea of going to a cafe and then drinks. If you want to plan out more special dates, then make sure both of you really like each other and get a long. Then plan something out on the second or third date.

  • The Multiple Location Strategy

The classic strategy is to take her to different date places. Psychology shows that if you’re the only constant among all these changing places, she’ll feel that she ‘got to know you more’. However, you can’t be bouncing around aimlessly, you need to progress your date closer to yours. This requires you to be spontaneous and armed with knowledge about your surroundings and your city.

  • Dinner? Yes or No?

I’m not saying 100% no to dinner dates. The majority of my coffee dates end up with dinner. That’s after if both of you get along well with coffee. Contrary to popular belief, women do not like heavily planned romantic and expensive dinners for first dates. (Read: gold diggers are an exception.)

However, I’m saying a full on NO to romantic, expensive, high expectations kind of dinner dates: the ones where you roll up in your father’s Mercedes Benz to some fancy restaurant: the ones that you pretend to understand the menu.

Lastly, you want your dates to be efficient: not all dates are going to lead to sex. You’re not going to enjoy every single date and not every girl is going to be into you. If you’re really not into her or she’s not showing any interest in you, feel free to walk off and end the date right there and then. That’s a form of strong boundaries.

Ultimately, keep your first couple of dates economical, low investment and light hearted. This saves you money and alleviates the pressure from her. 

Who Pays on the First Date?

In my experience, I’ve been on first dates with women who were earning a much higher income than me. In Singapore, the guys generally start drawing an income later than girls as they’ve got 2 years of national service in the military. The girls start two years earlier than the guys. In general, most of the women I’ve been on dates with don’t mind going dutch. 

However, in Models, Mark Manson suggested that there’s an intrinsic sense of chivalry that women enjoy that makes them feel feminine when you pay for them. He argued that one of the primary psychological need in women is security: paying for them lends itself to that.

Here’s how I normally do it: I make it a team effort. I’ll often pay first and then tell her to buy something else in return later. There’s no need to be uptight and stingy if you’re earning an income. If you’re earning an income higher than her, it would make sense for you to pay for her. You can get her to make it a team activity and get her to pay for dessert or drinks after. The key is not to make the paying thing too awkward. 

How to Escalate Physically on the First Date

If you grew up in a traditional Asian culture, you’re probably told to be polite, to be nice and not to be pushy with women, let alone on first dates. Modern society is constructed in a way where women are perceived in a negative light if they made romantic advances. That’s because by demonstrating interest, she’ll be judged by society as a… ‘slut’. This is why a woman will never make a move for you, even if she wants to. 

It’s pointless to approach hundreds of girls, be extremely charismatic on the phone but being unable to make the close on the date. This is why it’s always on YOU to go for the close as early as the first date.

On your first date, there are going to be women that aren’t comfortable with physical intimacy, and there are going to be women that are. However, like I always say: try and ask forgiveness later.

If you meet her at a cafe or a coffeeshop, you should also choose a seat that plants you beside her, instead of in front of her. Either that, just stand up, and plant yourself beside her. It might seem awkward, however, I’ve done that it a couple of times and if she’s attracted, she won’t reject you. Remember, girls desire to be desired. Being physically intimate with her fast is going to differentiate your results from lots of dates to a lot of ex girlfriends.

If your first date goes well, you’ll want to take it more private. I recommend bars and cafes that are along beaches. Beach dates are great, they are great for more intimacy and privacy. You can simply say you know an awesome bar near yours, grab her hand and get into the cab. Remember, lead, lead and always lead. Choose a park that’s near yours. It can be playgrounds or small parks. It’s also a good excuse to get her nearer to your house.

How to Take Her Home on the First Date

If you’re not making out with her and holding hands with her towards the end of your first date, you’re highly like unable to get her back to yours.

This is highly dependent on how good you are at ‘game’, building a connection, teasing, building a frame, getting her to chase and etc.

If you are physically intimate with her by now, then good, now you need an excuse to get her to your place. There’s no need for any fancy excuse. I use to put girls in my car and drive to mine without saying anything. These days, I simply say: “let’s chill at mine.”

The point is to make sure you’re not making her feel like a slut. Take the pressure off her. I often tell her not to mess up my room. Telling her if she stays over she’s sleeping on the floor and you’re the one who’s sleeping on the bed. Stuff like that to take the pressure off her and makes her feel less of a slut.

When you’re finally back at yours, get her to feel comfortable. You can box her around with your boxing gloves and be keep it genuinely light-hearted and playful: I treat her like a little sister that you never had. Then, you can start slowly be physically intimate with her. If she resist your advances, take a step back and empathise.

When you start kissing and there’s a bedroom involved, the rest is usually history. In my experience, sex from first dates do happen. However, the majority of them are going to happen on the second to third time you meet her. It all depends on the comfort level on her end and her values on sex. If you’re not at final base by the third date, she’s either not looking for casual sex or she has completely different values from you.

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