Category Archives for "Dating and Relationships"

Mar 13

How to Touch a Girl

By Marcus Neo | Dating and Relationships

Your ability to touch a girl and be physically assertive is going to make up 80% of your success with women. From personal experience, the majority of guys have problems with being comfortable with their sexuality, displaying sexual interest. This is why 98% of men hover desperately around women in clubs on the dance floor not daring to make a move. I’m going to spend some time talking about sexual shame before getting into any technical strategies.

How to Touch a Girl – Sexual Shame

Sexual shame occurs when any of us feel inherently wrong, immoral, unworthy of our own sexuality. Sexual shame holds us from asserting our sexual desires. It can come from traumatic past experiences. It could be coming from an overly strictly family upbringing or culture. It could be being emotionally or physically abused when you’re young. Conquering shame requires quite a bit of introspection.

I’m Asian, stereotypically, Asians are perceived as introverted and aren’t seen as sexually confident. Sex is also often seen as a taboo subject in Asian culture. Sexual shame is one of the biggest problems that Asian cultures face, for example, Japanese people choosing to stay single and unmarried.

On some fundamental level, you may believe that women do not want to be hit on, that women do not like being touched. You may belief that it’s wrong to touch a girl or if you’re physically assertive with a girl you’re ‘bad’. The first step to being more sexually comfortable with women is to re-orient our beliefs towards our own sexualities. You do this by first being aware of them and secondly challenging those beliefs.

I know of this one acquaintance of mine that gets laid regularly. He approaches girls aggressively right from the get go. He grabs them right from the get go and doesn’t ask for any permission. I’m standing there thinking: he’s going to fucking embarrass himself. Low behold, he eventually actually gets a couple of girls giggling and ends up kissing them.

When was the last time you saw a beautiful lady walk down the street and you wished you could to pin her against the wall and ravish her right there and then? Now, this is a truth, this entire attracting women thing is by nature polarising and controversial. Some are going to think you’re a creep and the right ones will appreciate you for taking the lead. If you need to be accepted or liked by everyone else, you’re going to be pushed around in subtle ways and not so subtle manners.

If you’re in the nightclub and you are afraid of what her friends might think about you if you are sexually forthright. You have a boundary issue. You’re essentially taking responsibility for other people’s actions and emotions. You don’t have to be responsible for other people’s actions and emotions. Those are not your problems. That is a problem that nice guys face, trying to please everyone and end up not asserting themselves.

Ultimately, you’re going to have to assert yourself and you’re get rejected at. Their reactions are out of your control. Confident men go for what they want without apology and are willing to ruffle a few feathers along the way. You can’t be sexually attractive without being disliked by some.

On Sexual Assertiveness: Our Emotional Realities

Psychologist Robert Glover make the argument in how an absent parent can be the making of a ‘Mr Nice Guy’, who constantly fails to assert his needs in his life. I also observed that people with difficulty in this area of their life (including myself) often have a history of a troubled childhood.

This could be overly strict parents, a religious upbringing, abusive, absent parents or past trauma.

It’s researchedthat people growing up without a father figure suffer from a diminished self concept, behavioural problems, truancy and poor academic performance and a host of other issues. Psychologists also argued that the father figure is important to a boy’s development of identity.

They may feel a sense of abandonment, betrayal, not being able to fit in and feeling different. Without paternal approval, boys may experience emotional pain that leads to attempts to prove themselves. This includes intense competition with other men, engaging in risky behaviors, criminal ‘tough guy’ behavior, intending to scare the world into seeing them as men. This confidence is a bravado that’s derived from overcompensation.

There’s the second argument, during the pre-industrial period, fathers bring their kids to work day. Father and son worked side by side from sunrise to sunset. This was seen as normal. Fathers taught by example, apprenticing their sons into trades, simultaneously imparting lessons on hard work and virtue.

However, during the industrial revolution, fathers abandoned the workshop for a place at the assembly line. There is a clear line drawn between home and the workplace. Fathers left for work in the morning and didn’t come home for 10-12 hours. Child rearing is left in the women’s hands. Hence, you get a generation of men who spent all their time with Mum, growing up with Mummy issues.

No More Mr Nice Guy

It’s only by confronting these issues head and getting comfortable with your sexuality, that you develop a matured form of confidence, instead of being an overcompensating prick. You may not think you’re one of ‘these people’. However, if you constantly find yourself feeling deliberated in your interactions, getting involved in toxic relationships, choosing bad partners, then there may be something there, you’re just not aware of it.

When I started being a lot more introspective about failures and decisions in my life, I found myself pissed off and hurt at many past events and got really angry at a lot of people around me. When you’re confronting these emotional realities, developing weird beliefs or finding yourself in angry phases going to be part of the process. That’s normal, inevitable and a necessary part of your growth.

The process consists of being introspective about past events that might have lead to current issues. The idea is to get in touch, process and grief through the emotions you avoided or suppressed through the years.

For example, if you feel numb or detached in intimate situations, why is that so? Is there a fear of vulnerability? Is it a fear of abandonment? If you fail to assert yourself time and time again with women, why is that so? Is there a feeling of not being good enough? If you’re too afraid of speaking your mind or going for what you want in life, why is that so? Is there a fear of failure and rejection?

In many ways, this single ability submarined my business, dating life and along with many areas of my life. I was afraid of confrontation and going for what I want.

How to Figure Out Your Emotional Truth

  • Writing

Writing letters and emails can be helpfulfor expressing/ reflecting on your genuine thoughts and feelings. For years, I used writing as tool, I wrote journals, I wrote letters to the people explaining misgivings I had against them. It all helped.

  • Seek Out Role Models

One way to you can feel more masculine is by taking part in group activities and learning to work with other men in groups. Developing male relationships helps undo your monogamous bond with Mum. There’s research that suggests that there are benefits to doing things together such as having a beer at the local bar once a week. Group activities build bonding and a sense of camaraderie.

You can also take this opportunity to examine your relationship with your own father and seek out healthy male role models.

Male friendships have the potential for depth and intimacy because there is no sexual agenda. With men, there’s no pressure to be someone else other than who you are. There’s no need to please, placate or lie that a lot of men tend to believe they have to around women.

I used to stick to individual activities such as martial arts or hitting the gym. However, I realized that group activities can better my relationships. One of my proudest moment in recent years was accomplishing a common goal working on a marketing project side by side with a friend.

You can seek out mentors that help you achieve your goals. I always attempt to surround myself with men who have traits that I look up: accountability, integrity and the ability to challenge themselves. David Deida, a popular writer on masculinity argued that masculinity is like a boat in an ocean, spearheading it with a direction and forging a path. Traditional masculine traits often entail accountability, confidence, decisiveness and a go-getter’s mentality.

I also recommend you to form relationships with men who not only have traditional masculine traits but the ability to open up.

  • Therapy

Forward thinking dating coaches have found out that the lack of confidence around women is partly rooted in sexual shame, that is often rooted in one’s past experiences, childhood. This is why pick up artists, often after years of going at it, find themselves often chasing a phantom and are often more or equally as miserable as before. They don’t solve the root problem: their own emotional issues.

There may underlying emotional knots that hinders you back in this area of your life. This can stem from a fear of rejection. This can stem from negative belief. The more the shame, the harder it is going to be.

One the options you can use to facilate this is psychotherapy,

Unfortunately, learning how to touch a girl can’t be overcome by solely hiring therapist. However, the only way is through. Overcoming your shame through real life interactions is the only way you’re going to get better in this.

How to Touch a Girl: The Art of Sexual Confidence

There are general levels to to work your way up. You’re not going to approach a girl and have sex with her right there and there. There’s a progression to it.

Projecting a sexual vibe the first important tenets in learning how to touch a girl. Plant your feet firmly into the ground. Show her then you’re willing to take up space and you’re willing to intrude into her personal space. Show her that you’re a potential sexual partner and not some random stranger, furthermore, you won’t be able to touch her if you’re not standing near to her.

You can be pretty confrontational in your body language depending on how comfortable she is. Squaring up to her demonstrates confidence and openness. One way you can project this is to look deep into her eyes whilst conversing and inch your body closer and then pull away, as if you’re teasing her by leaving a vacuum in between.

The Indirect Escalation

Handshakes, shoulder and elbow touches are strategies you can use to break physical contact. You can use these touches to punctuate your sentences and jokes. For example, you can lightly tap her on her elbow after making a joke.

The indirect escalation is the art of using these minor social gestures in conjunction with the push pull dynamic.

If she’s comfortable with physical proximity, you can hug her by her shoulder her like a good friend does to see if she’s comfortable with further intimacy. It’s an innocent move with both your bodies facing away, yet, your arms is resting on her shoulder like your good friends. It’s a good way to escalate physically in nightclubs.

  • Push

“We’re getting divorced. You keep the kids, I get the house and the dog.”

This is a push. This can be followed up with a slight push on her shoulder.

  • Pull

“I’m kidding, you’re awesome, I love you.”

This is a pull, you should be pulling her in for a hug by the shoulder, neck or waist, depending on where you are at in the interaction.

Repeating the push-pull dynamic and rinsing them will generate opportunities to hug her, kiss her or to move things forward.

Direct Escalation

There was once I attempted to kiss a girl and she cocked her head backwards in disgust and asked me what was I up to. I plainly told her that I was trying to kiss a girl I desired. Yes, my behaviors were a little un-calibrated, but it displayed boldness. Even though I was rejected, I asserted myself unapologetically and she was actually turned on by that.

Starting out, I was weak in this area. My style of attracting women was more laid back, conversational based. This laidback attitude rendered ineffective after a while. The more polarizing you become, the more you’re expected to initiate. She’s going expecting you to move things forward and want to fall into her ‘femininity’. Take this whatever way you want, however, this is my personal experience.

Sometimes, coming up with witty push pull-strategies gets repetitive. Hence, going direct can effective. If you’re on a date and things are already going well, you can say: ‘you’re beautiful’ in an authentic manner. Step in and lean in to kiss her.

It boils down to intentions. If a behaviour is expressed unconditionally in the moment, it’s an attractive behaviour.

However, it’s NOT attractive to verbalize when or how you’re going to touch a girl at every step of the the interaction. Saying out loud: “I’m going to hold your hands now” and then holding it is pretty awkward. It doesn’t display confidence either because of that fact that you need to ‘verbalize’ and somewhat ‘seek permission’ to do it.

The Comfort Point

In my experience, if you get to the point where she is comfortable with you holding hands with her, the rest is going to flow quite naturally. Holding her hand can be initiated just by holding her hand straight out or taking her hand and leading her somewhere when you’re moving locations in the nightclub or different locations on a date.

  • Sexual Comfort, Kissing, Making Out 

Choosing the right spot and knowing where to sit will facilitate physical intimacy. You can sidle up to her and hold her by the waist whilst sitting. This is most done on a date or an isolated setting. You’ll be surprised at how much girls are receptive to this, especially in a nightclub situation. There’s an element of sexual tension when standing close to her, holding her by her neck lightly and touching slightly at her waist or arms.

You then progress on to light kissing, make outs and then touching her at erogenous zones. The rest is usually history.

Some of these stages are going to be more applicable than another in different situations. Some girls are going to be comfortable kissing you in front of her friends, and some are not. You need to be empathetic, most girls do not want to look easy, you need to see what she’s comfortable with and what she’s not comfortable with. It’s all about calibration.

Closing Thoughts

From personal experience, the main problem majority of us face out there waiting for the green lights. Here’s the truth: There are no green lights.

Your ability to be sexually assertive is going to determine if you end up with many female friends or girlfriends. This skillset is also going save you a lot of time and increase your results.

Your inability to be physically dominant even if she has given you all the clear signs is going to bleed through your interactions. She’ll be able to intuitively feel if you’re not really what you make up yourself to be. It’s going to come off in that slight hesitation.

Lastly, she’ll never assume the responsibility of moving the interaction forward. In my six years of pursuing girls, it has rarely happened. You have to be the one that puts your arm around her shoulders. You have to be the one that puts that arm around her waist. You have to be the one that takes her hand and pull her to the dance floor. You have to be the one that turns her around to face you on the dance floor. You have to be the one that has to go in for th

Mar 09

How to be More Social – Bring Awesome People in Your Life

By Marcus Neo | Dating and Relationships

Looking to be more social, connect with like minded people and grow your own social circle? Through my twenties, I traveled a lot and exposed myself to different social situations rapidly. I never bothered to stop and build a social ecosystem. Ironically, for a dating/ social coach, I didn’t really value my social ecosystem and relied on cold approaching for my dating results.

In hindsight, I made a huge mistakes in my own social life. I didn’t have proper boundaries and severely undervalued group think. Like many marriages that are doomed for failure, a lot of my relationships fell apart as I outgrew them. I attempted mending and altering my behaviour to fit in, however, it only reaffirmed my views and it didn’t feel right the next time round we met.

This is why the ability to be social and connect with others is crucial. You don’t want to be stuck with boring, apathetic people that constantly live in the past. Personally, I want to hang out with people who want to do interesting activities with their lives. I want to be around people who are positive. Not the down and out or the apathetic.

How to be More Social – Building Your Social Ecosystem

The majority of my clients come to me looking for a specific dating result: mostly, get a girlfriend. They aren’t looking for  a lifestyle change. However, if you were being honest to yourself, how many of the people around you, you spend time with because you aren’t feeling lonely? Either that, you have outgrown them and you’re afraid of being alone. This is especially true for a Singaporean, Asian context, you stay with relationships with your old school friends.

However, if you are risk taker, a go getter and somewhat entrepreneurial, you may find a disconnect with your peers after a couple of years. It’s not difficult to see the difference in values when I meets some of my old friends. They are employed, playing it safe and looking to play it even safer as they got older. I’m still looking to build a business, travel and explore what life has to offer.

Defining the Exact Type of People You Want

Contrary to popular belief, I don’t really enjoy solely hanging out with successful entrepreneurs. I met one who’s young and monetary successful. However, he lacks social skills and rather spends his time at Thai Discos than the local club hitting up real women. He’s also really bad with time management and ghosted me a couple of times. It’s a deal breaker.

Looking back, I never really sat down in my life and say: hey, what are the people I’ll like to have in my life. I even attempted to subtlety groom the people around me into the people with characteristics I desired: engaged, fun, empathetic and driven. However, it’s merely a time sink. You can’t help someone if they do not desire to be helped.

Today, I am looking to connect with people that I want to do fun and interesting things with their lives. For example, go to parties, travel and do interesting things like scuba diving. I also look for values like empathy, the ability to stay engaged in a conversation and the ability to relate.

Here some of the demographics of people that I brainstormed for myself:

  • Men

Entrepreneurs or people that are into self development in general. Men that are looking to go out and do something proactive with their life. They also need to have minimal social skills to be able to relate to people and not be an asshole. (In Asian culture there are a lot of highly successful men with a total lack of social skills)

  • Women

Somewhat similar to the men’s category. The type of women that loves partying, social events and is a natural social connector. If she’s into self development that’s a huge plus point. The type of person that enjoys going out to art events, sporting events or doing something engaging or proactive with her life.

It all falls back down to having social skills. Can you make someone feel comfortable and at ease without the expense of your own personal boundaries?

Social Skills to Build Your Social Ecosystem

Now that you have define the exact characteristics and demographics of people you’ll like in your life. It’s time to hone the social skills so that when you do go out to events, you’re able to connect with them.

The guides to how to be more social:

If you are able to host your own little parties and events can be a value add to your social sphere. This way, you become naturally a social connector for the people in your social sphere and that’ll encourage them to introduce more people your way. Ultimately, the ability to be more social is not only crucial in your professional life, but also in your personal relationships and life.

Mar 04

How to Tease a Girl

By Marcus Neo | Dating and Relationships

Learning how to flirt is a charismatic mean to escalating your interactions from a social one to a romantic or sexual one. It’s a necessary routine of modern dating. If you want to be competent in this area of your life, learning how to to flirt with a girl is a key skill that you need to learn. Flirting done right is demonstrating your intentions without out rightly saying it. Flirting also adds in sexual polarity your romantic interaction.

How to Tease a Girl: The Ultimate Guide

“In life, people tend to wait for good things to come to them. And by waiting, they miss out. Usually, what you wish for doesn’t fall in your lap; it falls somewhere nearby, and you have to recognize it, stand up, and put in the time and work it takes to get to it. This isn’t because the universe is cruel. It’s because the universe is smart. It has its own cat-string theory and knows we don’t appreciate things that fall into our laps.”

– Neil Strauss

  • The Art of Premise

80% of the art of flirting is in art of setting a premise. It’s the idea of evaluating the person your dating for as much as they are evaluating you. This not only balances out the power dynamic in the relationship, it also creates a ‘love/ hate’ dynamic between you and her.

Think of premise like being a doctor, as opposed to the pushy salesman. You have a problem, I have a solution and you’re the one that chooses to take up that solution. People don’t like being sold to, they like buying.  I’m not going to push it in your face.

This analogy is exemplified in the luxury products industry. Their staff isn’t pushing their luxury products in your face. You’re the one pining to be in their shops to get the that limited edition of that particular product.

In this case, you’re attempting to be the luxury product, and she’s the buyer.

Premise is the context of which you establish any relationship. If you find yourself constantly chasing, putting in an effort and not getting any investment from her end, you lack a premise. You may also lack relationship boundaries.

For example, if you set the premise as the nice guy who always makes himself available to her, she’ll perceive you as that nice guy. That’s your premise for your relationship with her going forward. If you find yourself constantly trying to chase her, you’ll need to set the right premise and evaluate her as much as she’s evaluating you. You introduce premise through flirting. It’s harder to change that precedent of a relationship between you and her from there as opposed to establishing it early.

Of course, setting a premise in itself is limiting in itself. You need to be able to walk the talk. If you’re self-invested, then it’s part of your personal values and not some phony trick you pull out of your pocket. You can use this either strategy as a bluff or can it part of your reality. I recommend the latter.

  • Art of Push and Pull 

The push-pull dynamic is a term coined by the pick up artist community to describe a commonly used technique of flirting. If you understand push pull, you understand 80% of the art of flirting. It sends mixed signals, intentions and builds sexual tension.

The Push

The push is when you ‘push a girl away’ with a tease or a something negatively playful. For a push to work, you got to do it in a tongue in cheek style.

Here’s an example of a push:

‘That’s kind of annoying. We’re totally not going to get a long’

The Pull

The pull is when you say: ‘I’m kidding, you’re actually pretty cute’. It’s normally done after a ‘push’. This creates an “I love you, I hate you dynamic” which is girls find fun and arousing. Yes, there’s research that suggest that mixed signals build sexual tension.

To perform the push pull correctly, you’re not supposed to do it to get a reaction from the girl. You’re teasing her in a tongue in cheek manner, and also in way that it subtlely displays interest. It’s NOT about using it as a ‘technique’ or a ‘line’. When a push is done right, she’ll laugh, hit you on the arms or give you a slightly shocked looked.

You can then pull by saying ‘I’m kidding, I love that you’re slightly annoying. It’s pretty cute’.

The ‘pull’ is when you say something that pulls her back in to soften the push. The pull also can be a qualification. You can qualifying her for her personality traits that are non-physical. It also demonstrates that she’s special that you’re not dating her just for her looks.

If a girl I’m out on a date with says something smart, I could say: “You’re kind of a huge nerd. However, being smart is kind of cute.”

You see the push and the pull in one sentence? I’m calling her a nerd and saying it’s a good thing.

Only pushing in the interaction will make it seem that you’re only interested in insulting her. It’ll also demonstrate that you’re actually afraid of show your interest for her and that you’re using teases as a way to means cover up your lack of confidence.

The OG of push pull

  • Role Playing

Roleplaying is one of my favorite go tos. The one I used to milk is the husband and wife role play. I use to milk this line I was starting out:

“We’re getting divorced, you’re keeping the kids, I get the TV and the music”

Other role plays dynamics can be girlfriend boyfriend dynamic, the crazy ex girlfriend, teacher and student and anything can mean a potentially sexual interaction. You can also use the same role play time to time throughout your interaction.

  • Stereotypes

Stereotypes are fun to play with. You can play around with common cultural narratives and jokes that are unique to your culture. In Singapore (my home country), there’s a stereotype known as the ‘ah lian’. If a girl is ah lian, it means she’s outspoken and unkempt. I used to milk this stereotype as well. If she is wearing spectacles, you can tease her about being nerdy. If she studying law, you can tease her about being an intellectual snob.

“I have this idea that everyone from [her country] is [borderline racist stereotype].”

  • Embarrassing Physical or Personality Trait

This can be done through an observation about an embarrassing physical or personal trait in her even if you’re just guessing and she doesn’t actually display that trait. If she does something clumsy, or loud, or attention-seeking. You can tie the behaviour to a children’s character, or an immature youth and then expand on it to ridiculous proportions.

You can use conversational jump off points about her job or about her current mood and link it back to something childish.

This should also be done positively, and not negatively. That’s the difference between a tease and an insult.

Two friends: “You are the sensible one, aren’t you? She’s always having dumb ideas and you have to make the decisions before everything goes disastrously wrong.”

“You’re a bad girl. She’s a nice girl – I can see it in her eyes. You’re trouble. I don’t trust you. My mother warned me to stay away from girls like you.”

“You’re the older sister, right? Always watching the baby one and keeping her out of trouble.”

  • Qualification

Can you make someone feel special just through words? The idea of qualification is to appreciate and screen a girl for non-physical traits that you value in a girl. It’s important for you to sit down and ask yourself what do you like and not like about girls in general. Instead of using it as a technique, you should do this as a personal standard you set for yourself in your life.

Some of the traits that I value in a girl is intellectual curiosity, nurturance and kindness.

You can actively qualify these traits in your interactions with girls. Not only these demonstrate that you have standards, it also screens out girls that you actually enjoy being with. You can ‘screen and qualify’ a girl by asking her in a kind of doubtful tone about her personality traits. You can ask her about stuff that she does for fun, the books that she read, the movies that she likes.

Note: Qualification can be used at the wrong time and place. One of the classic mistakes I see is guys asking a girl if she can cook in the middle of a club. It’s totally out of context. You need to use qualification in context.

  • Disqualification

Taking care of yourself, dressing well, qualifying and showing direct interest to girls can yield you results.  However, it is not going to take you all the way.

Take the hot girl example, 99% of men are looking to do anything to date them. I’m also talking about really hot girls. The 8, 9s and 10s. If you played that similar game as the majority, you’ll NEVER get close to dating her.

It you take a look at that hot girl walking down the street, you can bet that 99% of her male friends are willing to give up time, effort and resources to get a chance to date her. You’ll also bet that she isn’t interested in any them. 

This is where the the art of disqualification comes in. The basic idea of disqualification is to actively demonstrate to someone, that she may NOT be a right fit for you.

If done right, they’ll qualify to you, value you and you’re getting the relationship based on YOUR term. To properly disqualify girls, you need to be of value first. However, if you built value, displayed status and demonstrated you’re a win for her. Then you can actively evaluate the girl you’re.

From personal experience, a lot of girls aren’t ready or able to receive compliments or interest in a direct manner. This is especially true for Asian culture. They may even feel awkward if you express interest directly. Yes, she’s going to be attracted, however, you’re going to get seemingly positive responses that go nowhere if you’re trying to punch above your weight class (and you should)

That’s because she isn’t invested in any outcome. She isn’t chasing. She hasn’t invested. If you’re outrightly showing interest, she knows she already won you over right from the start. You are also putting all of your cards on the table without any form of investment on her end. You’re giving away too much power too early on. She also doesn’t really feel truly appreciated by you. That’s because you haven’t ‘qualified’ or ‘disqualified’ her. Only by actively approving, disapproving, taking and giving validation, you get her to chase and emotionally invest.

However, if you’re not completely won over yet, then it gets interesting for her. One of the ways to elicit this is through disqualification. It creates a gap between you and her and gets her to think ‘Who the hell is he? I’m hot, however, this guy doesn’t seem to want to get with me. Why is that so?’

It’s puts in her head: ‘am I not good enough?’

Here are some disqualification lines you can use:

‘You seem… interesting…’
‘You have the silliest/ most adorable expressions’
‘Your trouble’
‘You and I are so not going to get along’
‘You’re actually kind of cute’
‘You would make a great girlfriend/ wife if you weren’t so X’
‘You’ll never get into my pants if you keep doing that’

They all subtly say: I’m interested but I’m not quite sold yet, you got to show me more. I’m also screening and judging you if you are a right fit in my life. This old school frame works up till today.

The technique of disqualification is based on the idea that by disqualifying yourself as a potential sexual partner, you send ambiguous signals and she’ll end chasing you.

When you qualify yourself or her, you’re basically saying: I like you, that’s because I like some of your personality traits. However, when you disqualify a girl, you’re saying: it’s not going to happen between you and her.

Disqualification should be used based on context. For example, if you sense that your interaction with her is getting a little dry, you can add disqualification to spice things up. If you feel that she’s not comfortable with you, perhaps she doesn’t feel special enough. You should stop disqualifying and start qualifying (the opposite).

There was this one approach with a Korean girl at the club. I approached her with a direct approach. I held her cheeks in my hands and leaned in as if to examine her face. She seemed interested until the point where I threw in a disqualification.

“You look like my younger little sister”.

Her face changed immediately and she signaled her friend to walk away. In this case, I wasn’t congruent with my direct approach, where I approached her expressing interest directly. It has its right time and place in a situation.

How to Flirt: Combining Verbals and Non Verbals

  • The Blatant Escalation

The first way to do it is to escalate blatantly. Think about it, which truly confident male would resort to too many techniques to touch her. The truly confident male does it because he feels and wants to do it and doesn’t resort to lines or methods to get there.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with the push and pull style of flirting, childish teases and coming up with role plays. However, these techniques can become repetitive and boring. If you’re over reliant on verbally flirting, then you’re going end up with a lot laughs and a weird physical void. Sexual tension is never really reliant just on words. Through touching her outrightly, you’re also displaying comfort with your own sexuality. If you like her, then express it directly, there’s no need for too much fanciful flirting. You are a sexual man and you can show it.

However, the cons of esclating directly is that you’re displaying too much interest. She already knows she has you. Secondly, you’re not getting any investment from her end, you’re not making her chase, you’re not making her wonder. You can kill sexual tension just by escalating too much.

  • The Push and Pull

Just flirting with her with words isn’t enough. You’re required to add physicality at some point of the interaction or she’ll sense that you’re just masking your confidence with clever lines. Note: The more attractive you become, the more girls to expect you to lead the interaction.

However, not to worry, the art of flirting verbally and non verbally falls back to the same dynamic of push pull. For example, you push her away with a tease and pull her back in with a shoulder hug or front hug. Rinse and repeat this push-pull dynamic and you’ll get an sexually charged interaction.

Here’s a sequence:

[Tease Verbally + Touch]

“You’re either the really independent type of girl or so you’re one of those pretentious bankers with that suit and tie. I’m just kidding, I really like the outfit, it has kind of a sexy secretary look to it.” +  Shoulder Hug. 

Through delivering this line, you can calibrate and adjust accordingly to her level of of interest interacting with you. Once her hands are on your shoulders or her shoulders on yours, you can leave it there for a bit see how comfortable she is with it. One of the golden rules of flirting physically is to assume that you’ve known her for years. You then take it off to avoid seemingly like a creep and keep the ambiguity of the interaction going.

If haven’t notice by now, there’s a couple of push and pulls verbally and non verbally in this process. This push-pull model is rinsed and repeated in different variations during different phases of the interactions and it builds sexual tension.

Closing Thoughts

Utlimately, flirting is a core skillset you need to get down to move your interactions forward. Girls do it, guys do it and everyone does it. It’s the way people introduce sexual polarity between each other then. 

Mar 01

How to Make Women Laugh – In an Attractive Manner

By Marcus Neo | Dating and Relationships

It’s said that if you can make a woman laugh, you get her to laugh right into bed. Getting a girl to laugh isn’t a cure all to your dating woes, however, it’s a necessary social skill to build. Other than making a girl laugh, humour is also a way of make her and others feel comfortable around you.

How to Make a Girl Laugh – The Ultimate Guide

Humor, at the core of it, is the the art of drawing connections between too completely unrelated ideas or objects that’s completely absurd. It’s a creative activity. There’s no math behind it. You cannot over prepare for it. It’s not something you can box or put down to an algorithm.

Your ability to make a girl laugh, tease her is dependent on your willingness to be polarizing and edgy. The thing about jokes is that some of them is going to fall flat. This is unavoidable Some times, I get a flat silence when I mouth off something ridiculous. Other times, I get a huge laugh. It’s a social risk I’m willing to take. The rule of thumb is this: if your joke fall flats don’t try to laugh at yourself or make fun of yourself. Just act as if nothing happens and move your conversational threads forward.

Humor Techniques, The Your Bread and Butter

The majority of my clients are usually the nice guy sort. They come in, some of them are good listeners, however, most of them aren’t willing to assert themselves in a more edgy, polarizing manner. To get good at attract women, you need to be somewhat edgy. You need to be willing to say something that might piss her off, or assert a strong opinion.

There’s also a difference between being humorous in general and teasing her. There are overlapping principles, however, the former is making jokes that she finds funny, the latter is eliciting an emotion in her by making fun of her. They are both useful to add in sexual polarity and charisma in your interactions

  • Teasing 

Teasing is when you make humorous comments that are derogatory about someone. You can tease her just about everything: about how fake her hair looks. Or how red her shoes are. Try to be creative with this. When she dresses up, you can tell her she looks like some cartoon character from some movie.

Pointer to note: sarcasm DOESN’T come off well in texting a girl. Sometimes, girls can be quite offended or don’t react well to some good-natured ribbing. This can be quite true for the Singaporean or Asian culture. It all depends on who you are with. Some girls react well to more derogatory teasing, and some girls appreciate genuine compliments. Mix it up.

For the Singaporean readers: One classic line I used to do is to associate a girl with an ‘ah lian’ but in a light hearted manner. The ‘ah lian’ is a stereotype for a girl who isn’t that intelligent who’s quite unkempt in the Singaporean context.

Teasing is also suppose to be fun, it should be said with a smile. The ideal tease creates a mixture of emotions in a girl: defensiveness yet happiness. An ideal reaction from her should be: ‘Oh my god, I can’t believe you just said that.’ However, she’s smiling and laughing at the same time.

Comedian to study: Russell Brand

  • Stereotypes and Cultural Referrences

This can be practiced by studying local comedians that perform to your local audiences. Stereotypes are poked fun at almost every local comedy show.Teasing can be done along with the concept of common stereotypes in Singaporean society. Singaporean comedians like Kumar exploits it by going into Chinese, Malay and Indian stereotypes. One good one I often use is the good girl/ bad girl stereotypes.

  • Exaggeration

This is the safest form of humour where you joke about something outside of you and the girl. Exaggeration has to be something absurd and non-logical.

Comedian to Study: Russell Peters

  • Misdirection

The technique of misdirection is one of the most common and easiest forms of humor. Misdirection occurs when you begin to say something or tell a story which leads to the listener to believe you’re making one point, but you proceed to say something completely different.

Here’s a good example of misdirection: I use all the time is to joke with girls that I’m actually quite shy, after spending an entire evening being slightly cocky and extroverted. I’ll also insert in at a point in the interaction where it’s least expected, just for the extra effect.

Comedian to study: Craig Ferguson

The master of misinterpretations

  • Role Plays

The technique of role plays is taken right out of the pick up artist textbooks.

They are playful and can be useful to spice up a stale interaction. You can role play girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife, student/teacher or any potentially sexual relationship. If she’s your ‘girlfriend’, you can either break up or get together with her. If she’s your ‘wife’, you can either divorce or marry her. One other role play and a slight disqualifier I use these days is complain to some else that your ex girlfriend (her) is bothering you.

Roleplays are fun and refreshing for a girl, nobody rarely does it.

Just like all other humor techniques, roleplays should be done in context. I used to do: ‘I’ll like to adopt you as my little sister’ (as a minor disqualification). However, this rarely works for me anymore. Girls often take it in a wrong way where they’ll think I’m not interested in her.

  • Misinterpretation

Here’s one of the most useful flirting, humor techniques, misinterpretation. It’s also a commonly known technique to answer ‘shit tests’.

For example, if a girl says: ‘I’m not too sure about your beard?’

You can misinterprete it as: ‘I’m flattered you’re thinking about my face, but hey slow down, didn’t we just meet?’ (done with a tongue in cheek manner)

This is basically misinterpreting anything a girl says as a compliment or a sexual advancement. However, becareful not to take it too far. Use it in context.

Subjective Humor

If you enjoy a darker, intellectual form of humor, not everyone is going to get it. I personally enjoy dark humor. Like making fun of dead babies, that sort. I’ve also rubbed people the wrong way. Wordplays, puns, sarcasm and swearing will all fall under this category of subjective humor. They aren’t for everybody, however, if you find a girl that can connect you on such a humor, then you’re hitting the lottery ticket.

  • Wordplay and Puns

Wordplay is similar to misdirection. However, wordplay practices misdirection by using words that have different meanings.

Girl: ‘Stop being so mean Marcus.’
Me: ‘Stop calling me average.’

Puns and wordplays are even a rarer form of appreciated humour than sarcasm. They tend to be really intellectual in nature. You’ll find little women who’ll appreciate them.

  • Sarcasm

Sarcasm is a darker form of humor than teasing and it doesn’t really work well with most of the girls. This is especially true with Asian girls, where Asian culture is a lot more reserved and sensitive. The majority of women won’t get sarcasitic humor. They’ll think you’re being serious and get confused. This may come off even worst on text. However, you’ll get the rare one or two that understands sarcasm and she’ll love you for it.

  • Role of Swearing

Inserting a ‘fuck’ in your jokes can give you cheap laughs. I use it quite a bit during my teenage years and it has given me lots of laughs and at the same time weird stares.

Swear words can be used sparingly if there’s a right delivery and you know that the person that you’re communicating to is cool with little swear words here and there. With that being said, it’s uncool to just based your conversations with too many swear words. It just goes to show that you have a limited vocabulary.

Dropping an F-bomb in an already well timed joke can make it even funnier. However, dropping an F-Bomb in everything you say can make you come off as unsophisticated.

Side note: Swearing should be used minimally in Asian situations especially when there is elder family around.

Example: Joe Rogan

  • Self Deprecating Humor

There’s a form humour called self deprecating humour. It’s the art of making jokes at yourself. There’s a popular argument if someone that can laugh at himself and the world conveys a high level of confidence. He isn’t taking things too seriously or himself too seriously. He’s not really concerned about someone else’s perception of him. Compare this to someone who’s very serious and unable to laugh at himself or the world. This conveys that he is over invested in what others think of him and therefore is not confident.

Louis CK is hilarious but not in a sexy way.

I started off learning humor by studying Louis Ck. His style is humorous for him because he’s overweight and balding. However, despite being humourour, he’s not the kind the guy that girls want to go home with. This is why for begginers, if you’re making fun of yourself and putting yourself down to get a laugh, you’ll come off as unconfident. You’ll need to be aware based on context. If you’re going out with a girl who’s really shy around you. Putting yourself down and laughing at yourself can help her loosen up and open up.

How to Practice: Frame, Playfulness, Timing & Expression

Okay, knowing jokes or the lines isn’t enough. There’s an art to telling jokes, teasing a girl or dropping an F-bomb. You got to pay attention to delivery, timing and facial expressions. These techniques unfortunately, can’t be taught through words.

Russell Brand, one of the all time best with wit and language.

The best way to learn this is to watch comedians and watch their stand up routines. Take note of how they interact with the audience, their style of humor, their routines, how they tell a story and how they nail a punchline. Take not of how they time their jokes, their delivery and facial expressions when they make a joke.

You’re not suppose to study humor logically like a Math exam. Humor is supposed to be learned creatively. If you’re teasing her, it should be done with a smile, with a grin and with tongue in cheek. You’re not suppose to go up to her and ‘execute the humor’. This is a creative skillset. It’s also the art of free association. The better you can freely associate in any social situation with words and observations, the better.

The Best Way to Learn Humor: Appreciating Language

The best way to learn humor to help you make a girl laugh is to appreciate language and wit. One of the ways to study stand up comedy. I remembered when I first started reading up. I’ll stay up on Youtube to watch videos after videos of stand up comedy. I started listening to comedians like Louis Ck and Chris Rock. I then attended a couple of improvisation classes. You can find these improv classes on MeetUp.Com or just Google them. They are often affordable.

One single sentence can be interpreted in multiple ways depending on you say it, deliver it. There are also often multiple meanings to words. This known as innuendos. If you get good at timing, delivery, tonaliy and facial expressions, you can use plain English to mean something sexual thing: sexual innuendos.

Using Humour to Bring Up Sex

One of the best ways to use humor isn’t to make her laugh, but to bring up sex in the conversation. If anything at all, the best use of humor is to use it to escalate physically with a girl. For some reason, openly talking about sex is a taboo topic in many cultures, many people are uncomfortable to talk about it. If you like to bring your interaction to a more sexual manner, using humor to bring up sex can grease the wheels. That’s because you can get away with anything that is funny.

Humor are sometimes used by comedians to criticize sensitive issues or individuals in politics, as opposed to an outright assertion (that’ll get you sued). This is the same for sex. If it’s funny, you’re not being creepy.

Humor in Westernized Cultures as Compared to Asian Culture

The form of humor that works in an Asian dating cultureis a lot different from the Westernized culture. I noticed this when got feedback from a friend who my jokes are often highly sarcastic and dark in nature. I find dark humour much more accepted in Western cultures. Not everyone responds well to such form of humour.

The Singaporean culture has an interesting mix of a myriad of races and religion living cohesively. It’s safe to say that you should avoid jokes that are sensitive to religion. However, it’s okay to step across the line in a humorous, lighted manner as opposed to an insulting manner.

Either that, you can train yourself to be universally funny. That is: Humor that is relatable to all people, regardless of language or race. I think Louis Ckdoes a good job at it within certain themes. He’s able to express the nuances of humanity in a humorous way. On the flipside, Louis Ck has this self-depreciating style of humor that doesn’t suit well for many personalities (including mine). Girls ultimately desire a confident man that don’t poke fun at himself just to get laughs.

Being Funny as Cure all in Getting Girls?

The ability to make a girl laugh isn’t a cure all for your problems for attracting women. If you over rely on their ability to make a girl laugh, you’ll end up as the dancing monkey, or the ‘entertainer’ constantly seeking laughs from girls. You might find yourself over reliant on quick wit and jokes to avoid asserting yourself romantically or sexually. If she’s smiling and laugh, your jokes must be working right? That’s a pitfall that I fell into for a period of time.

In general, if you consider yourself a ‘nice guys’, you probably already are charismatic enough. If you’re able to to crack a joke or two, then humour isn’t your main problem. If she’s laughing but your interactions seem to go nowhere, then your problem is being sexually assertive with her.

 

 

 

 

Feb 23

How to Dress Well For Men

By Marcus Neo | Dating and Relationships

Mark Twain was quoted saying that individuals that don’t dress well don’t have any influence on society. I’m going to paraphrase Mark and say that men that don’t dress well have any influence over the opposite sex. Learning how to dress more masculine for men is one of the quick fixes you can get when improving their dating and relationships life. Fashion is the closest you’ll get to a magic pill in your dating life.

So how can you dress better, not just to attract women, but also portray a more masculine identity?

How to Dress More Masculine to Attract Women – The Ultimate Guide

  • Make Dressing Well a Habit

Firstly, dressing well is something you, as a 21st-century male, should cultivate in your daily behaviour and habits.

It doesn’t just help you become more attractive, psychological research also shows that dressing well increases a person’s self-esteem. Ever felt good in a suit? That’s what I meant.

Clothes should not only be seen as an outlet for expression but the actual building of an identity. How can you express an identity from the way you dress? From observation, in Singaporean culture, many guys, whether young or old, don’t purchase their own clothes. They are happy to let their parents do the shopping and choosing for them.

Your parents are 2 generations older than you, how is their fashion sense going to be suited to your generation? Furthermore, if your parents are still making choices for you, then you’re probably a big baby that has no ownership of your own life choices.

Now, let’s get into the nitty-gritty.

Principle 1: Fit is King: Choose Fit over Brand

Fit is king. Starting out, this rule applies to all of fashion advice.

I always choose fit over every other factor when shopping for clothes. This includes design, price and brand.

Going for something more fitting that will show off your body contours. Choose fit over brand or how expensive the clothes are. Women, in general (minus the gold-diggers) won’t be looking at the brands of your clothes, they’ll be looking at the fit, the patterns and how well put together your outfit is.

I have survived well with 10 dollars Uniqlo shirts from H&M. You can get black, blue, white and grey basic tees.

Remember, fit is king.

Principle 2: Quality Over Quantity

I always aim to make my wardrobe as minimalistic as possible. Focus on quality over quantity.

The strategy here is to purchase a couple of quality outerwear such as jackets and blazers and you can mix them with v-necks or crew neck tee shirts underneath.

You achieve this by investing a little bit more on quality pieces, and then mix them with cheaper basic pieces.

Quality pieces include your blazer, formal pants, a leather jacket, raw denim jeans and your bags.

You’ll come off as well dressed, sophisticated by blending these high-quality pieces with cheaper basic ones. You can also accessorise with necklaces and chains underneath them. Personally, I like my style quick and easy, hence I don’t use any accessories. However, it’s up to you.

  • How to Build a Wardrobe without Burning Through Cash

You don’t really require much much cash to build a wardrobe. I recommend getting your cheaper pieces such as the basic tee shirts from Uniqlo. The material isn’t that all bad and the basic Tee shirts fit well and are affordable.

Then get a pair of high quality blue fitting jeans from Levis.

It won’t break the bank, and you’ll look like a million bucks.

You should also invest in a pair of formal wear: a blazer and pants. You can then use these pieces to leverage a smart casual look with your neutral coloured Tee shirts. It’s malleable and can be used for many events.

You’re now good to go for many occasions both formal and casual.

Shoes wise, you got to invest a little and get a quality pair from Zara or Pedro.

I’d like to add to take into account the weather. You’ll want to take that into consideration when choosing your clothes. In Singapore, it’s hot and humid all year round. I don’t own any winter clothes and I also normally don’t wear out my blazers and jackets unless I’m out at night.

Learning how to fit pieces together and keeping your identity flexible will open up your options to many.

  • Picking Neutral Colours

If you stick to neutral colours like white, grey, light blue, navy, green, olive. You’re going to find yourself easier to match and fit clothes.

However, you’re going to give up a little variety with such a wardrobe. If you’re passionate about fashion, then you should further your research about colours.

I don’t really care for the variety of colours as I’m always on the go and I prefer my wardrobe to be easy and quick. I literally own 5-6 basic tee shirts of different neutral colours, and I blend them with other pieces in my wardrobe.

Fashion caveat: You’ll tend to notice the trends in fashion and dressing amongst your peers and society. There’s a minority (in Singapore culture that I grew up in) that’s obsessed over the feminine Japanese rock band look. They’re the ones opting for a Korean-POP or Japanese look. In my opinion, these trends look really feminine and will work against you if you’re attempting to be dress more masculine to be more attractive to girls. The masculine look comprises of more monotone dressing styles.

It may seem more popular or trendy to follow the trends, but if you’re gunning for is dressing more masculine and being more polarizing to girls, then you’ll need to go for a more masculine style. You need to stick out more in social situations and sometimes you may almost come off as a rebel or a ‘bad boy’. This attracting women thing is by nature polarizing and controversial by nature, so deal with it.

In my late teens and early twenties, I kept my wardrobe towards the lighter side choosing to go with brighter colours such as light blue, pink and purple. However, I remembered one of my girlfriends commented that I should change to a darker colour.

It may be good to play around with more ‘feminine’ colours such as brighter colours when you have a masculine look already. However, I have a ‘babyface’ so darker colours such as grey, black and navy blue help me project a more masculine look.

Ultimately, learning how to dress more masculine isn’t difficult. It doesn’t have to be expensive either. Fashion, just like any other skillset, comes with time and practice. More importantly, you don’t want Mum dressing you. She wants you to look like a good proper kid that makes the grades in school. You want to look edgy and sexual.

Principle 3: Dress to Your Demographics and Personality

Some may encourage the idea of going over the top and showing up with necklaces and fanciful hats. However, what it fails to point out is that what you wear should be to tailor to your personality and your daily life. If you’re a rock star like Johnny Depp, then, by all means, you can go over the top with all the accessories. However, if you’re a University student, then you should reconsider showing up to class with a suit.

Some times I see guys showing up in slippers in my University classes. You’re not going to be attracting any attention from the ladies with that outlook. Put in some effort. Get a pair of raw denim jeans, a basic belt and a pair of sneakers. That will do. It’s not that hard. On the other hand, you’re a student, then showing up in business suits to classes is not going to make any sense. It’s important to dress to your personality and the social event you’re showing up for.

Playing around with The Different Masculine Archetypes

I chanced upon an article by Masculine Style a couple of years ago that talked about masculine archetypes and fashion sense. I found the archetypes and identities described in the article interesting and useful. I could relate to these masculine identities played out in my own life.

Let’s take a look at the three types of masculine archetypes. These are all archetypes that are attractive to women.

  • The Rugged Archetype

Men at their core, by virtue of our genetic makeup, have this element of rugged masculinity in us. In a high commercialized culture that focuses on economic growth at all costs tends to forget the physical. Our culture is one of standing behind computers, screens, and phones. We’ve often forgotten what it feels like to build and move.

The rugged is the sportsman, the athlete, the fighter. The one who prides himself on his physical attributes. He is willing to get down and dirty. He’s able to fix spoilt pipes, climb up ladders and work the drill. He’s able to bend the surroundings by his pure physical will.

  • The Rake Archetype

He is the musician, writer, marketer, and entertainer. He is also highly emotionally intelligent and gets what he wants from the world through social competence. The rake is the outlaw, the Casanova, and isn’t too concerned about social standards than the standards he sets on his own.

You’ll be known as the social guy, the guy that gets along well with everyone. The guy that’s able to blend into social situations, identities, subcultures effortlessly.

That is the Rakish archetype.

Traditional Asian values emphasize on a career, a family, and playing by the rules of culture. The rake is also often frowned upon by traditional (read: outdated) Asian values.

  • The Refined Archetype

This archetype is the high powered executive that works in a corporate environment. He draws a reasonable salary and can afford the minimal luxuries of life such as clubs, spas and the yearly holiday. He also prides himself on corporate achievements in his corporate ladder.

The refined archetype establishes power in their domain. He’s perhaps a powerhouse in finance. He spends years cultivate authority, respect and power in that particular domain. The refined has less influence outside his own arena, however, he has absolute authority and power in his own circles.

The refined archetype is also commonly known as the tribe leader. The tribe leader is often respected and known for his external status. The nice suits, the house, the business connections, political power and influence.

Closing Thoughts on How to Dress More Masculine

I personally have never ventured too deeply into any three the archetypes. There is a trade-off between all of them, being too refined makes you boring and standoff-ish, being too rugged makes you a square and being too rakish gets you outlawed in your culture.

However, you can mix and match. You can also pour through guides like this one or magazines and invent your own style.

For business meetings, you can dress towards the refined archetype. You can take on the identity of someone who gets down to the numbers. At a social event or on a date, you can dress down towards the rakish element by putting on a leather casual jacket and raw denim jeans. When hitting the gym or a mixed martial arts workout, you can dress to the rugged element.

Once you start to expand your social circles, you might start participating in different demographics, expanding your demographics, looking to date different girls from multiple demographics.

However, as you progress, you may start thinking about commitment, business and building your own tribe. You may realize that if you’re going to build a business and be committed to a single demographic, for a longer period of time, you may move towards the refined archetype. Instead of moving freely in and out of social groups, you decide to start your own.

So, are you a free loving rake or a dominant CEO styled tribe leader? Who are you at your masculine core? Perhaps it’s a little balance of both. They are all different expressions of masculinity. There’s no right or wrong. It’s up to you to paint your canvas in the minds of the women of this world.

 

Jun 20

How to Deal with Rejection – Compatibility and Chemistry

By Marcus Neo | Dating and Relationships

No matter how much charisma you think you have, or how you alter your behavior, a good portion of people you meet isn’t going to be interested or available at that point of time. Unfortunately, there are ton’s of dating and relationship advice out there that sells you a foolproof technique to get around dealing with rejection. Unfortunately, that’s just marketing. It doesn’t happen in real life.

It’s no surprise that the person who fails or get rejected the most often gets the most results as well. This doesn’t happen by chance. To get good at rejection, is to simply reframe your lenses on being rejected: your job is to get to the point whether someone either is going to move forward with us or not, in the shortest time possible. Instead of seeing a rejection as a negative, you can view it as a time saver. To save you hours, days and years of time sink.

How to Deal with Rejection

Mr Lee Kuan Yew, the first Prime Minister of Singapore, a revered politician, stated that he thought love at first sight is foolish. He also famously defied Asian traditional by marrying a girl who is smarter or more successful than he is. He married his academic competitor, who topped his cohort, beating him to second place when he was studying in Raffles College. What Mr Lee Kuan Yew was gunning for was the filter of relationship compatibility.

You and I spend our time painting ourselves as social chameleons, attempting to make the best pitch to just about any human being with a pair of legs, hoping that they accept the pitch without questioning if they are the right dance mate for us. You spend all your time worrying about the person across you without thinking if he or she is compatible to us.

Compatibility and chemistry are concepts left out by majority of dating and relationship advice. Not because they aren’t important, but because these are concepts that can’t be optimized, scripted or changed.

Chemistry

Studies that show that people are attracted to the emotional make up of their parents. It’s suggested you can’t differ the love you once received from your parents with the love you are receiving from your partner.

Chemistry is defined by a high degree of sexual and emotional attraction. It happens on a subtle level and felt immediately by both parties equally.

Chemistry is the warm fuzzy feelings you feel when you’re around her. It is when you can’t get enough of him or her. The whispering of sweet nothings, the constant need to be with and see one another. They monopolize your thoughts day and night. You find yourself irrationally organizing your scheduling around him or her. You find yourself wanting to share with him or her about your daily events

Ever went through a roller coaster relationship, where you’re hitting new lows and chasing new highs every couple of weeks.

There’s research suggesting high levels of chemistry may come from opposite yet complimentary traits. Introverts usually have a high chemistry with extroverts. People who are orderly and organized may work best with people who are spontaneous and unorganised. Someone who is laid back with a wider perspective works best with someone who keeps a tight schedule and routine.

On the other hand when there’s a lack of chemistry, there’s a lack of emotional intensity. There’s basically a lack of mutual attraction. There’s no spark and no desire to jump on each other. There’s no long stares in each other eyes, there’s no rationalizing she’s an angel that descended from the heavens to save you.

You and I are influenced by psychological biases as human beings. Some of these biases may work against you. For example, in the mis-reaction tendency, a wonderful woman with terrible parents may marry a man who would be judged satisfactory only in comparison to her parents.

There’s also a quote that goes: “When I’m not near the girl I love, I love the girl I’m near”.

Compatibility

Compatibility is an intellectual construct on how well your lifestyle and worldviews fit together. You can have high levels of chemistry with someone, but poor compatibility. That’s when your lifestyles and values differ. In the long run, the relationship is most likely going to fall apart. Compatibility is key to long term relationships.

Compatibility and chemistry don’t always occur together. This is the law school professor dating a stripper. This is the rock singer in a band dating a hard-core Christian girl who goes to church every Sunday morning while he’s recovering from a hangover from the previous night’s gig.

Some questions to ask yourself are:

  • What do you want in a partner?
  • What are the feelings you expect to feel when you’re with them, how do they perceive the world?
  • Their goals in life and what they expect out of it?

You can have the best conversational skillsets in the world, however, at any one point of time there is going to be a large pool of partners that aren’t going to be attracted to you. Then there’s going to be a pool of partners that are attracted to you, who aren’t going to end with you because of their current life situation.

Navigating Compatibility and Chemistry

High compatibility but lack of chemistry is akin to dating someone who looks good on paper but is dry and boring. Having compatibility without chemistry is akin to ticking the boxes on someone’s dating resume saying that she’s the one because of X, Y, Z. When you’re together it feels like you’re pursuing her because it makes ‘sense’, as opposed something you look forward to. Sadly, this sort of arrangement happens a lot.

Compatibility is a also prerequisite I look for in a long term, committed relationship. I mean, my mental health is at stake here right?

Chemistry without compatibility on the other hand, usually leads to roller coaster relationships that entails a lot of drama. It’s the person you know is bad for you but can’t stop seeing. These relationships often begin quickly and passionately. You suddenly see yourself rationalizing away the fact that she has a track record of drugs. This when your friends stare, give you the same repeated advice, but you choose to continually go against their point of view. After all, love conquers all right?

You can’t have one without another. You need both chemistry and compaibility for a fulfilling, passionate long term relationship.

Ultimately, you shouldn’t choose to be with someone in the long run just because the sex, emotions are amazing, you should choose someone because you have similar life values and worldview. You also shouldn’t cut yourself short by being with somebody just because she or he looks great on paper.

How to Reframe Rejection: Incompatibility

Some times my clients ask me what should they do when people flake on them on dates. Should they chase them? Come up with a fancy text message to get their attention? Personally, I made a value of not dating/ associating with anyone who doesn’t value my time. The people that flakes on me immediately become incompatible. If you’ve drawn the line of not going out with people who don’t value you or your time, then you’ll no longer need to play the chasing game.

  • Life Circumstances

In my experience, most of the time (assuming you’re a well rounded individual) you get rejected not because you did something creepy or obnoxious, but because of life circumstances.

There is a ton multitude of external factors that prevent someone from moving things forward romantically or sexually with you.

External factors can range from being already attached, the number of days you have left within the city, her cat dying, her friend’s opinions on how you look like the ex-boyfriend that cheated on her. This is when are conversing with someone who looks at your longingly and deep into your eyes but holds back giving you her number. She probably has a boyfriend or a husband. These are factors that you can’t control.

These are perfect examples of the limitations of attraction and how most men and women at any given time won’t be available to you no matter what you do or say, or how attracted he or she is to you at that point in time. There’s nothing you can do when if you’re out with a virgin that has sworn off sex till marriage. It’s not about your ability to be charismatic anymore, it’s not about ‘persuasion’ anymore. No expert, line or ‘frame’ can help you. It’s a simple incompatibility.

It’s only when you reframe rejection and invite rejection by exposing your values in the shortest period of time possible. You cut out the mind games, you expose your needs, desires and you establish clear boundaries. You stop wasting time and moves things forward efficiently.

No matter how much you alter your behaviour, you’re going to reject a certain demographic of romantic partners. There’s no other way around it. The bolder and polarizing you become, the more people you’re going to attract and reject. Psychological research also backs this up, people of similar self esteem end up dating each other.

  • Psychological Projection

Projection occurs when someone projects one’s own unconscious judgment onto others in everyday life.

This often comes in the form of character judgments. In dating and relationships, it can occur when you meet partners who for whatever reasons, are uncomfortable with their own sexuality and they lash out at you for having attempting to move the interaction forward sexually.

These people may harbour trust issues or are completely uncomfortable with their own sexuality or the sexuality of the opposite sex. They may have a history of some sort of emotional, sexual abuse or had a string of disappointments or anger from the opposite sex.

Their belief systems on sexuality are negative and when confronted when with a sexually confident individual, they end up lashing out. They may accuse you of being demanding, sexist, overbearing, horny, untrustworthy and etc. They aren’t lashing out for a lack of attraction, but because they are attracted and that attraction scares them.

These accusations usually have little to no connection to reality and a truly confident individual will simply ignore these accusations. The more forthright and authentic you make yourself, the more polarizing response you’ll invite from others.

Redefining Rejection and Success 

How do you define yourself as someone successful in your dating life? By having three romantic partners at a go? By committing to one partner? Who’s more successful? The guy who dates 10 strippers at one go or the guy who commits to a long term relationship with one girl who he really enjoys being with.

It’s easy to get sidetracked into the ego boost or validation. After all these years, I’m still amazed at how poorly I choose my romantic partners at times, after all, our minds are filled with unreliable biases.

Take the average guy improves this area of his life by learning social skillsets. Not before long, he understands that dating and romantic relationships can be generated through his own actions and it’s not something that’s left to luck or fate.

“Self-development” is working out for him.

Through his newfound social skills, he goes around pursuing women who he isn’t genuinely interested in but for the sake of bragging rights. Is it an improvement after all right? He went from zero dates to many dates that he’s shit bored of. Forget about the fact that he isn’t really enjoying himself on these dates.

Unfortunately, this, is a failure in itself, although he went from not dates to dates with girls that he feels “meh’ about. He’s still avoiding feeling vulnerable and at risk of being rejected by women that he’s genuinely interested in. The avoidance of this feeling is a failure it itself.

“It’s better to fail on a date with a potential partner you desire, than to sleep with someone you don’t enjoy being around with.”

 – Marcus Neo Kai Jie

You and I have both intrinsic and extrinsic motivators when it comes to our dating and relationship lives. External motivators such as physical beauty cannot be the only metrics of success. In the long run, internal values such as respect, trust and empathy make healthy and meaningful relationships. Even though I value physical beauty, it is not the only metric that I hold in my dating life.

This is why it’s important to define your own metrics of success in dating and relationships, not some arbitrary metric defined by society or other ideologies.

The Power of Demographics – How to Get Rejected Less

Contrary to common belief, dating and relationships aren’t solely a numbers game. You CAN optimize your approach. You can narrow down your ideal partner.

Firstly, you can control the quality of people you converse with. Secondly, you can control how you dress, your conversations and how you present yourself. In general, the more empathetic you are, the more varied the demographics of partners you’ll be able to date and connect with. This is especially useful in Singapore, where you are exposed to a mixture of Asian and Western demographics with many subcultures with different value systems.

If you’re a hot shot engineer who is brilliant with physics and you want to date beautiful women, let’s just agree that a lot of them aren’t spending their time in libraries attempting to understand intricate systems. However, if you make the effort to cultivate a fashion sense, get competent at the ability to meet women in different demographics, you’ll have an advantage by being unique.

You can get closer to meeting your ideal partner by niching down the physical and personality traits of your ideal partner, finding her demographics, and putting yourself in front of social opportunities that’ll increase your chances of meeting someone similar.

Here are questions to ask yourself:

  1. What do you value in a partner? What personality traits and values are you looking for?
  2. How does you ideal partner looks like? The way they dress to their education level?
  3. How can you put yourself in demographics to meet someone that fits the image of your ideal partner?
  4. How you can develop social skillsets so you can start a conversation he or she in that demographic?

You’re not going attract one that comes you way. If you behave in a certain manner, you’re going to reject other demographics. That’s just life. On the other hand, if you attempt to be accepted by everyone, you’ll find yourself altering your identity and personality day after day, ultimately attracting nobody.

The more well read I become, the more I reject women (and people) who don’t read or aren’t interested in personal growth. I also can’t get along with women who aren’t capable of communicating on a deeper level: normally those that are solely focused on looking good on Instagram. Going on dates with them is an equivalent of social waterboarding.

Whilst I can force myself to lower my standards (and have done so), it’s no surprise that I find myself more compatible with girls who value intellectual curiosity.

The key here is finding overlapping values. If I am somewhat a nerd and enjoy reading up on psychology she enjoys debating human right issues. That’s an overlapping value.

The Art of Presenting Your Ideal Self

All of us share one common experience of obsessing over this one girl or guy at work or school. You probably do not dare to ask him or her out… and it has been months. You start dreaming of a perfect scene… you and her walking down the wedding aisle and you so desire that ONE person as your boyfriend or girlfriend.

I, like you, and millions out there once spent the good part of my teenage life fantasising over ONE partner. Taking months to speak to her, and then taking years to ask her out.

The better way to tackle this is not to obsess over one partner but to constantly present your ideal self. It is to constantly focus on becoming the ideal version of yourself. That’s where self-improvement comes in. When you focus on presenting the best version of yourself to the world, something that is immediately controllable, when the right person at the right time comes into your life, you’re more than prepared.

When you’re out on a date, instead of worrying if they like you, sit back and evaluate if he or she has the values and traits you’re looking for. This way you relieve pressure on yourself. You get to enjoy your dates and don’t have have a need to impress him or her.

Closing Thoughts

Ayn Rand said love is the expression of one’s values: it’s the emotional price paid by one man for the joy he receives from the virtues of another.

Throughout the years, I find myself compatible with partners that are curious, intelligent and patient. I’m not bragging here or anything. I’m pretty disorganised, impulsive, unstructured and I’m not really good dealing with authority figure. . I can be quite blunt and forthright. Some times I say things that I don’t mean. For Eg: I like making fun of overweight life coaches and authority figures that take themselves too seriously. If she’s too caught up with me spouting unintended stuff instead of laughing it off, then needless to say we’re not going to get along.

Opposite qualities of being structured, detail oriented compliments mine. I find myself seeking out longer term relationships with partners who are working in fields that are making a contribution in some sort meaningful way. They can be doctors, nurses, physiotherapists and social workers. They also aren’t limited to the medical or scientific fields. She could be running a business to better the agriculture system of a third world country and I’ll find myself admiring her ambition.

I can’t date women whose main concerns are taking a hundred selfies a day and overly concerned about how she looks like on social media, it’s akin to social torture. If I get rejected by someone who has an attention span of a goldfish, I don’t perceive it as a rejection, I see it as incompatibility. This is the way I deal with rejection, by viewing it as a simple incompatibility, how about you?

Works Cited

Geher, Glenn.  “Perceived and Actual Characteristics of Parents and Partners: A Test of a Freudian Model of Mate Selection,” Current Psychology (Fall, 2000), vol. 19, no.3, 194-214.

Markey, P.M.; Markey, C. N. (2007). “Romantic ideals, romantic obtainment, and relationship experiences: The complementarity of interpersonal traits among romantic partners” (PDF). Journal of Social and Personal Relationships24 (4): 517–533.