Some people derived their self worth through women. They try to fill a gaping hope within themselves through the pursuit of body count. The others try to do it through material success, academic success or whatever forms of success.
I’m no different either.
However, do these forms of success really drives happiness and stability? Self improvement gets tiring and pointless at times. What’s the point of self improvement if you’re shit-y about yourself all the time?
Some times, I watch Elon Musk and wonder, shit, what the fuck have I been doing with my life!?! I then go on to hate all of the education system, cultural and societal values. Ultimately, not everybody can be Elon Musk. Not everybody can win at everything in life.
I’d like to be more appreciative of what I do have in front of me, as opposed to what I’m chasing for.
Life purpose and meaning is a luxury. However, it’s important to note that the majority of people go to work not to change the world, but to feel good about something, or to simply feed their family. There’s nothing to hate on that, different people have different needs.
When shit happens to you in life, you could argue that you may truly be a victim of circumstances. Whether that’s true or not, it’s always your responsibility to recover.
I was bitter and resentful at why some of my relationships didn’t work out. Just like how I was bitter at my ex girlfriend for dumping me out of the blue. However, after all, I did let myself to to there in the first place. I should have saw all the red flags in advance, and remedy it earlier on. Secondly, I could stay a victim, or take responsibility to improve the external circumstances, or take a different perspective on it.
You’re going to lose in life at some point. Whether be it in the stock market, personal relationships or a decade of underperformance. This is why personality change is difficult. It’s easier not to take responsibility and admit to yourself a life time of negative choices. This is why people spin their wheels in toxic marriages, bad friendships and financial ruin year after year.
The first step is admitting that you lost. You’re never getting those years, money or relationships back. You can only look forward and adjust course.
Lastly, I’m also looking to open myself up to more commitment in my life. I’ve generally sucked at commitments in both my relationships, business pursuits and hobbies. Currently, having just one partner around is beneficial for my emotional health. Having a couple of skillsets that I’m interested in and feel good about is better as opposed to attempting to be Elon Musk. Furthermore, it’s highly unlikely that I’m going to be winning a Nobel Prize award for Chemistry any time soon.
The old adage of less is more rings true.
It’s also hard to ignore that Singapore is a tightly knitted society that’s based on collectivistic values such as harmony and acceptance. The self development pursuit is individualistic and many of these ideas originate from Western cultures. Whilst I think everyone should strive for the best individually, there’s something to be said about accepting each other’s flaws.
Eating my Mental Vegetables
It’s our lack of acceptance and willingness to deal with our core issues that leads us to a karmic loop chasing the next shiny object.
I also spent years chasing tactics and strategies, without understanding simple concepts such as: customer experience, trust and brand. You’ll automatically pick out information that promises you that quick win, that magic bullet.
This is similar as going about chasing women using lines and routines without putting in the real work.
If you’re working hard to avoid failure and rejection, you’re still doing it wrong. You may be approaching a hundred girls a day, however, you’re approaching them from a standpoint of lines and routines, you may just be working hard to avoid true failure and rejection.
If you’re working smart to avoid failure and rejection rejection, you’re still doing it wrong. You may read hundreds of dating advice blogs like this one, and you’re barely putting yourself out there to risk failure and rejection, you’re still doing it wrong.
It’s only when you eat your mental vegetables, stop chasing the next shiny object, accept where you’re at at your life, and accept the fact that you’re going to feel somewhat crappy about yourself when you rub against your insecurities, that you’ll find yourself in a better position for progress.
There are a couple of the insecurities I avoided my whole life: namely my academic performance.
I made multiple short run decisions on my approach towards businesses because I was suffocating, attempting to find a quick fix for this glaring hole in my life. Well, I had the wrong mentors, however, that was my personal choice in picking the wrong mentors as well, and chose to ignore the multiple red flags.
No matter how much I thought of myself as someone who was fearless and ‘no fucks given’ kind of person. I still value security and I’m pretty analytical about things. I mean, I didn’t write a whole blog analyzing the topic of attracting women if I wasn’t that sort of person. I still do care about academic success, I just merely avoided it. Getting to the root of it and admitting that I cared about it, but was too afraid of it was painful at first, but it freed me to let go of the identity of the rebel and the dropout.
It’s also realizing that no matter how many dates or experiences I’ve had over the years; It doesn’t mean that I don’t have the put in the leg work for the next girl I’m going out on a date with, or that I don’t have to be consciously work on my core issues or beliefs.
In a funny way, I’m humbled, that frees me up to move forward. Instead of seeing myself as some extremely attractive persona or a huge success, I’m not, and just like everybody, worried about the same things and looking for a form of connection. Yet at the same time, I have a better feel of what works for me, and what doesn’t work for me.
I’m also free to pursue business in a more methodical and deliberate manner, without worrying about living up to extreme success day in and out. I used to wake up, feel pressured about sales, copywriting, search engine rankings and etc.
That’s because I had invested all my identity and self worth into one aspect of my life. I told myself: failure is not an option, there’s no other way you’re going to succeed, or derive meaning in this world. That’s an invisible script right there.
It’s only when I ate my mental vegetables, that I realized: I had not been approaching business the right manner. That some of the relationships I had around me wasn’t right for me at this point of my life. It was only when I accepted that I valued security and wasn’t as ‘fearless’ as I thought I was, that I freed myself up to explore other aspects of identity and unstuck myself from a a constant karmic loop.