Countless of us walk the streets and have hundreds of girls and women who fit our physical criteria as a potential romantic partner walk by us. Yet, we do nothing, day after day, months after months, and even years. Let’s be honest here, you and I are guilty of letting these opportunities slip by.
Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be able to go up to girls that you completely do not know and create an opportunity to get know them? Is there an intellectual construct for how to approach a girl in any given social situation?
The answer varies, but the underlying principles are similar.
Here’s a video tutorial on the basics of how to approach girls:
Okay, if you aren’t a video kind of person, you can read on.
How to Approach Girls – The Ultimate Guide
Psychological research shows humans base the majority of our perception of people in the first couple of minutes we spend with each other. This initial perception extends and influences our relationship with the person for weeks, and even months. So, assuming you approach someone you’re really into, how can you impress her through your first couple of minutes in your approach?
- Dressing and Body Language
Firstly, getting your daily appearance right will go a long way. You’ll need to be dressed minimally well. You’ll need minimally a fitting t-shirt, jeans, and shoes. You’ll also need to be well shaved, with your hair is taken care of. You’ll be surprised how many men don’t invest in their daily appearance.
Secondly, factors such as tonality and body language should be taken note of. You want to be going for neutrality and coming from a curious standpoint. Neutral body language and a downward tonality will demonstrate that you’re comfortable with starting this conversation, that you’re no threat, and you’re also confident with asserting and expressing your own views.
- Understanding Social Norms
When you’re approaching a stranger on the streets and hitting on her directly is something that’s out of the norm, and hence: should be recognized as out of the norm.
Going up to a girl and saying you find her cute is quite an unconventional behaviour. It’s not something that happens daily and should be recognized as that. Because I recognize this and I call it out in my own interactions, I rarely creep girls out. Most women I approach are willing to listen to me at least for 30 seconds.
The Direct Approach
The direct approach subtlely conveys: Hey, I’m not playing games here, I’m officially invested in the prospect of getting to know you better.
I usually start off by saying “I know this is random”. Followed by: “I think you’re really cute, and just wanted to say Hi”.
Women usually hear your intentions out loud.
She can mostly tell if you approach her for any other reasons than being attracted to her. You should not approach girls to impress your friends, for ‘practice’, for numbers etc. I have approached girls that I am not genuinely attracted to, for ego reasons, to impress my friends, and it usually doesn’t work out.
This is why you should only approach a girl only for your desire for her and not for any other reasons.
Your motivation behind your behaviour is equally as important as the behaviour itself.
Lastly. be willing to back off through your body language if the girl doesn’t want to interact or talk to you. Secondly, don’t touch her heavily when approaching, use body language, hand signals or a light touch to stop her.
There’s a debate in the pick up artist community on whether to go direct or indirect when approaching a girl.
I personally am a huge fan of going direct, however, I noticed that some of the guys prefer indirect. They’ll approach with a ‘social opener’, something along the lines of asking a question or getting an opinion, and then transit to flirting with a girl. There are upsides and downsides to both approaches.
If you’re going to approach her at all, you’ll be expected to lead and initiate 100% of the time. And I mean 100%. I’ve lost tens of interactions because I approached her in a direct manner, and then I played it chill and laidback. It’s incongruent to the girl and she’ll be wondering what’s up? You just approached her saying she’s cute and you’re playing in chill?
That’s the downsides of direct approaches.
I recommend beginners to get comfortable with going direct. Going direct puts you out there, and let your intentions get known. It’s also a time effective method. One of the common denominators of female attraction is the desire to be desired. This is why approaching direct can work for you.
- Tease her about Something She’s Doing in the Moment or From the Conversation
Old friends tease each other all the time. You do it with your family, you do it with that childhood friend, most of all, you do it about your most embarrassing personality traits.
One of the easiest ways is to tease her about something is doing, about to do or wearing at the moment. If she says she’s an accountant, you can tease her that she probably lose money for the company rather than count it. Something like that. You can also tease her about being childlike/crazy when she does something silly way.
For Eg. I was at a beer pong party and she was telling me she how good she was at beer pong. I told her that, that playing beer pong was probably her college major, insinuating that, that’s probably everything she knew about life.
Teasing her also helps ease the interaction between you and her. Old friends tease each other all the time. It also adds dynamic to your interaction. There’s nothing more boring than getting to know someone by asking a bunch of questions.
Throughout the conversation, you can start touching her socially, punctuating your sentences and conversations with light touching. Psychological research has shown that people who touch others in a social interaction are more charismatic and dominant.
- Lead In Conversation
She’s not going to lead the conversation or add to the conversation. That’s because you’re approaching her in an unconventional manner and she’s going to be quite shy and reserved about it. You’ll need to practice your conversation mindset and skillsets.
You’re going have to make statements, ask questions, tease her, and laugh at yourself to put her at ease. You’re going to have to communicate to her within that 10 minutes that you’re an easy going individual that’s socially intelligent as well.
When you talk only about external events (such as the weather, or places you’ve been or where she’s from), you’re severely limiting yourself. There’s no emotional connection, no vulnerability, no rough edges. Human beings are attracted to rough edges.
On the other end, if you’re keeping the focus solely on her by asking her questions after questions, you’re putting all the spotlight on her, and you don’t get to express who you are to her. The easiest way to have a two way conversation is to include ‘I’ and ‘you’ in your conversation. It personalizes the interaction a lot more. When you, use ‘you’, you get to put her in a position to open up as well.
‘I like that about you’
‘Don’t be an asshole to me’
‘I feel X emotion about this place’
‘I was at… and I felt…’
‘You probably felt… I get that… I also felt that…’
‘I feel that you are not that kind of person… or are you?’
When you’re making the conversations about two people, you’re expressing your identity and allowing her to express hers, guess who’s everybody favourite topic?
No surprises here: themselves.
Next, cold reading, the art of having never-ending conversations.
- The art of Cold Reading
Through the technique of cold reading, you can spark conversations out of nowhere. You can also find out about her occupation, her hobbies in a way that doesn’t come off as being an interviewer. You can then relate and find something unique about her lifestyle, job or occupation and say: ‘That must be really painful’ or ‘That’s really interesting, I’ve never met a girl…’
Imagine if someone took the effort to notice how you put in effort something you care a lot about, perhaps a business or something. Imagine if someone went on to say: ‘you know, I really like the details of your work, there must be a lot of effort and attention that goes into that, not everyone is willing to go through the pain of building a business’.
How will you feel about that? You’ll feel amazing. That’s right! Now, flip that around and find something unique about her and appreciate her for that.
Note, you can’t fake it when you say something, you got to mean it. Take this as an opportunity to cultivate a genuine appreciation for others.
- Relate to Her with Emotions
Instead of talking about facts, you should talk about what you felt during those events. Not about the facts of the event itself. Feelings include sadness, happiness, depression, vulnerable, nostalgic and etc.
‘I felt really lonely whilst taking a being on a trip to Tokyo. For some reason, it felt empty. This was despite dating someone there. Perhaps I was running away from something.’
‘I went to Tokyo last May. I dated a Japanese there. We hanged out for a week and I went to Osaka. I flew back to Singapore after a week in Japan.’
See a huge difference here?
When you talk in emotions, you already differentiate yourself from the majority of the men out there. Let’s face it, the majority of men out there can’t talk about their emotions because it’s seen as ‘weak’ to do so.
Well, if it’s ironically so difficult to do so, why aren’t you strong enough to do it?
How to Get Her Number: Make Future Plans on the Spot
If you have a good interaction and can tell if she’s interested. I recommend asking her out for coffee right then and there. By making future plans right there and then can help solidify you as someone she potentially going to hang out with again. Some girls are bent on giving their Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat. I generally don’t buy that, and I treat that as a rejection.
Let’s say she found out that does quite adventurous activities and you’ve always wanted to go bungee jumping. You can say:
‘That’s awesome (after she says something adventurous about herself), let’s hang out and go bungee jumping together some day.’
Or, if you just find her pleasant to be around with. You can say:
‘You seem like a cool person to be around with, let’s party someday together. Do you have WhatsApp?’
On Rejection and Success
- Rejection and Success
The majority of your approaches are going to go nowhere. It’s just the name of the game. This is because there are just too many external circumstances that cannot be controlled. EG. She has a boyfriend, the last guy that approaches her on the streets freaked her out etc. If you filter through your interactions and are able to point out if the number is going to get anywhere, you’re going to spend a lot less time on time sinks.
Through my years as a dating coach. I’ve observed guys who are strong in approaching but don’t get other areas of their life handled. If you want to get optimized and quality results, you need to handle both the approach and other areas of your life. You have to resolve your own issues and have other parts of your life handled. There’s a limitation to spam approaching a lot of women to sort out your dating life. The other fundamentals are going to help so much more in your life. These include supportive friends that don’t upset you, a job that you like, hobbies and passions going on and general emotional stability.
Remember, it’s always your responsibility to move the interaction forward. It’s your responsibility to find something unique in everyone. It’s your responsibility to generate the dynamic interaction between you and her. It’s your responsibility to overcome your fear of approaching her.
Cause if you don’t, nobody will do it for you, ever.
Burgoon, J. K. (1991). Relational message interpretations of touch, conversational distance, and posture. Journal of Nonverbal Behavior, 233-259.