Looking to be more social, connect with like minded people and grow your own social circle? Through my twenties, I traveled a lot and exposed myself to different social situations rapidly. I never bothered to stop and build a social ecosystem. Ironically, for a dating/ social coach, I didn’t really value my social ecosystem and relied on cold approaching for my dating results.
In hindsight, I made a huge mistakes in my own social life. I didn’t have proper boundaries and severely undervalued group think. Like many marriages that are doomed for failure, a lot of my relationships fell apart as I outgrew them. I attempted mending and altering my behaviour to fit in, however, it only reaffirmed my views and it didn’t feel right the next time round we met.
This is why the ability to be social and connect with others is crucial. You don’t want to be stuck with boring, apathetic people that constantly live in the past. Personally, I want to hang out with people who want to do interesting activities with their lives. I want to be around people who are positive. Not the down and out or the apathetic.
The majority of my clients come to me looking for a specific dating result: mostly, get a girlfriend. They aren’t looking for a lifestyle change. However, if you were being honest to yourself, how many of the people around you, you spend time with because you aren’t feeling lonely? Either that, you have outgrown them and you’re afraid of being alone. This is especially true for a Singaporean, Asian context, you stay with relationships with your old school friends.
However, if you are risk taker, a go getter and somewhat entrepreneurial, you may find a disconnect with your peers after a couple of years. It’s not difficult to see the difference in values when I meets some of my old friends. They are employed, playing it safe and looking to play it even safer as they got older. I’m still looking to build a business, travel and explore what life has to offer.
Contrary to popular belief, I don’t really enjoy solely hanging out with successful entrepreneurs. I met one who’s young and monetary successful. However, he lacks social skills and rather spends his time at Thai Discos than the local club hitting up real women. He’s also really bad with time management and ghosted me a couple of times. It’s a deal breaker.
Looking back, I never really sat down in my life and say: hey, what are the people I’ll like to have in my life. I even attempted to subtlety groom the people around me into the people with characteristics I desired: engaged, fun, empathetic and driven. However, it’s merely a time sink. You can’t help someone if they do not desire to be helped.
Today, I am looking to connect with people that I want to do fun and interesting things with their lives. For example, go to parties, travel and do interesting things like scuba diving. I also look for values like empathy, the ability to stay engaged in a conversation and the ability to relate.
Here some of the demographics of people that I brainstormed for myself:
Entrepreneurs or people that are into self development in general. Men that are looking to go out and do something proactive with their life. They also need to have minimal social skills to be able to relate to people and not be an asshole. (In Asian culture there are a lot of highly successful men with a total lack of social skills)
Somewhat similar to the men’s category. The type of women that loves partying, social events and is a natural social connector. If she’s into self development that’s a huge plus point. The type of person that enjoys going out to art events, sporting events or doing something engaging or proactive with her life.
It all falls back down to having social skills. Can you make someone feel comfortable and at ease without the expense of your own personal boundaries?
Now that you have define the exact characteristics and demographics of people you’ll like in your life. It’s time to hone the social skills so that when you do go out to events, you’re able to connect with them.
The guides to how to be more social:
If you are able to host your own little parties and events can be a value add to your social sphere. This way, you become naturally a social connector for the people in your social sphere and that’ll encourage them to introduce more people your way. Ultimately, the ability to be more social is not only crucial in your professional life, but also in your personal relationships and life.