It’s said that men communicate through information, fact and theories and women connect through emotions. How can you build a deep emotional connection with not just women, but just about anyone?
You can have completely different hobbies with a random beautiful stranger you talked to on the street. However, no matter how different, everyone in the world has gone through some form of success, failure, hurt, disappointment, anger and lost. If you want to connect with someone emotionally, you got to open yourself up and connect with these universal emotions and experiences.
Conversing with emotions will not only help you connect to women in a deeper manner, it’ll also help you connect with family, friends and people on a more meaningful level. Deeper friendships and romantic relationships aren’t just built by the number of experiences two people have together, it’s also built on vulnerability, emotions and experiences.
I often tell people that I am a better judge of character and someone else’s motivation. That’s because I pay attention to the undercurrent of what someone is saying, as opposed to the superficial layers of communication.
How to Build an Emotional Connection
When connecting with someone, don’t pay attention to the “WHATs” of life: their job, their cat’s name and where they live. Peer into the WHYs. This often entails you share about yourself first.
Emotional connection and meaningful relationships are built upon understanding and relating to each other’s WHYs in life.
The majority of people are comfortable with conversing about the ‘what’ and the ‘how’s’ of their daily lives. The motivations behind pursuits and behaviours are often left out
Here’s an example of going into the WHYs:
Her: Wow, what inspired you to be an entrepreneur at such a young age?
Me: I pursue business I want to be financially free because I felt financially suffocated during my teenage years as my family went bankrupt for a period of time.
That is a ‘Why’.
Everybody on this planet shares a handful of universal emotional realities: ambition, shame, alienation, loneliness, achievement, regret, hardship, friendship, love, heartbreak. We’ve all experienced it. The facts change, the feelings are the same.
It’s just how well they are able to express theirs. You want to relate to the underlying emotions behind all the facts. The facts are mere superficial details of the emotions experienced. Relate to the feelings, not the facts.
I was once a competitor in Brazilain Jiu Jitsu and currently I’m an entrepreneur. The feeling before a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu competition is the same pressure before a giving a business pitch.
They are both some sort of competition in some way. One of them is trying to overcome a physical challenge whilst the other a financial one. The Brazilian Jiu Jitsu competitor is risking failure, success, and embarrassment just like how the entrepreneur is.
Never thought how a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu champion can relate to an entrepreneur uh?
I don’t care stupid, dumb, weird or annoying she is. She has it somewhere in her. It’s your job to dig it out and connect with that part of her. That’s where the gold is. That’s where the real magic happens. You got to be patient and challenger yourself to find it. That’s because once you do, you’ll never go back.
Be Aware of Your Own Life Stories and Motivations
She will not open up to you just because you ask her. The rule of thumb for you as a man is to always go first. If you share a vulnerable part of yourself, it’ll also inspire her to share about hers. To do that, you have to be firstly aware of your own emotions, motivations, and life story.
The more this goes on, the more personal stories become, and the deeper the emotions you connect with.
From experience, some people just aren’t equipped with social skills to express themselves in the way that you are able to. Be patient with them.
The majority of guys suck at this. Guys tend to discuss technical know-hows and superficial details rather than go introspect into their own emotions.
Here are some examples:
I always wanted to be a psychologist growing up because I had a lot of problems growing up as a rebellious teenager. I was always angry, apathetic and under performing. I ended up being hooked onto self development due to a horrible break up with my ex-girlfriend. I was addicted to the fact that I could have a control over my dating life and social interactions.
Through years of research, trials, and failure, today, I feel much more in control of my dating life. I also read up on psychology: concepts such as meaning, building a perspective beyond myself, contribution, and that inspired my entrepreneurial projects.
Learning how to relate to people will not only do well for you in your dating life, but it’ll help in your professional pursuits, family, and friendships.
The Basics of Emotional Connection
The majority guys suck at talking about themselves. This especially so in Singapore. I noticed this as a dating coach. They think it’s weird or narcissistic in some ways. The only times they usually feel comfortable talking about themselves is with their sisters or friends they’ve known for a few years.
Girls, on the other hand, are only engaged when they are talking about themselves (or each other). This is why they’re constantly gossiping, creating drama or people watching.
I know this for sure as I’ve hung out with guys from the pick up artist community. It’s always the same question of: what do I talk to about with the girl? What he’s saying that he doesn’t really have any external common interest with her. If she likes dancing and he’s a computer geek then there’s nothing to talk about right?
However, if you talk about how you FEEL about your interests, then you can relate to how she FEELS about her own pursuits. It’s never the external pursuits, it’s the similar underlying expression why you choose to pursue something that you can relate to her with.
It’s never about the external pursuits, but it’s about the similar underlying expression of why you choose to pursue your chosen hobbies that you can relate to her with.
Building an emotional connection requires three things: 1) Opening up about yourself 2) Getting her to open up about herself and relating to each other’s emotions and experience.
- Your passions and favourite things to do
- Your dreams, ambitions, life goals
- Best/worst thing that has happened to you
- Your childhood, family life and upbringing
You can spark these conversations by a simple cold read: You look like you’re close to your family.
Emotional connection occurs only through vulnerability. It cannot be faked.
The harder it is to talk about it as a subject, the more genuine and attractive it potentially can be. Topics such as childhood, upbringing and family life are often hard for a man to express, especially so in Asian culture. I rarely see guys talk about their childhood in their social interactions, if even at all.
Here’s a reframe: by being alright with sharing any part of yourself with anyone, you’re truly confident.
How to Appreciate Someone for Who They Are
Mark Twain was quoted saying: “really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great.”
It’s hard to think about appreciation of someone’s values when you’re interacting with them, especially when you have your own agenda and your own thoughts that you want to splash out.
The secret desire is to be appreciated and to be admired.
I also don’t mean it in a ‘sucking up’ kind of manner where you say compliments for the sake of saying. I mean it that you have to convey them is a genuine and authentic manner.
The guy who seems fearless in his entrepreneurial pursuits, selfish with his time, demand and uptight about his schedule, isn’t actually being an asshole. He could be working on a huge project that may help his family financially.
The blunt honest guy may not be giving you advice because he wants to put you down, or feel insecure about yourself. He’s doing that because that’s his form of unconditional regard. He’d rather dish out the cold harsh truth earlier on to help you overcome or cope with your current problems.
Someone who is extremely financially motivated might not be money minded. He might be doing it because he had a negative experience financially when he was young.
I used to take upon criticism harshly and get all upset about life. However, these days, whenever someone criticizes me, I’ll ask myself: is his/ her criticism valid? Has he or she balance his or her criticism out with positive pointers? I’ll also make it a point to lay out my past successes and why I behaved or thought in that manner.
The only way to get good at this is EMPATHY. It’s stepping outside your own biased judgment and asking yourself why someone behaves the way they do.
For E.g. I choose to write about relationships because I essentially care about this area of my life. It’s not because I want to an annoying asshole dishing cold hard advice to everyone that bothers to come my way and make myself look good to a bunch of random strangers on the internet.
Writers make choices. So does everyone, with whatever they choose to pursue.
If you’re able to dig beneath the surface, figure out why people do what they do, and appreciate them from that, you’ll stand out from everyone in their life that think that they’re another way. Of course, there the bunch of ass clowns that are really fucked up the way they are. You’ll able to spot these out in time when you get good at this.
The world is mired in advertising, society, family, friends telling you and everyone else that they aren’t good enough. That they have to be this or that, or some other way in order to ‘succeed’. Well, that’s because insecurities sell.
It’s only when you find that gold her in, appreciate her for that, that she’ll lit up like a Christmas tree in front of you.
How to Go from Small Talk to Deep Life Changing Topics
I’m a nerd. I enjoy talking about death, the meaning of life and other nerdy subjects. Talking about superficialities of life bored me to death. I’d rather talk about dreams, values, and worldviews. There was a point in time I wondered to myself: why can’t people enjoy more meaningful conversations? Why are people only comfortable with talking about subjects outside of themselves?
Well, that’s cause you’re not supposed to have deep and meaningful conversations with everyone. If you’re going to try to have deep and meaningful conversations with everyone, you’re going to get hugely disappointed.
You can only build an emotional connection someone who’s willing to open up about themselves as well. There are people that you want to filter out.
Imagine if you are an intelligent professor who has done years and years of research in his lab, and has written countless papers and reports on theoretical physics. You are not going to be willing to have a deep and intellectual conversation about physics with just about anyone one right?
However, it’s impossible to go from light hearted talk to deep life changing topics just like that. You’ll come off as socially un-calibrated, and sometimes blunt.
Here’s the pattern you want to use:
- Write down your own emotions, motivations and life story.
- Take the lead by sharing these emotions, motivations and life story
- Sharing creates trust and these encourage her to open up and share about herself in return.
- Ideally, the more this goes on, the more personal the stories become and the deeper the emotions you connect with.
Society often shames us for expressing what you really feel or think. Hence all of us grow up to hold back our thoughts, desires, and feelings, whether be it consciously or subconsciously. However, as humans being, we all have an emotional need for connection, meaning, and significance in our relationships.
If you’re going to meet her and merely talk about the weather or gossip on your mutual friends. These topics are external to you and her. If you’re going to meet her and nerd out about politics, then you aren’t being really vulnerable. If all you know about someone is merely the superficial facts about someone, then you don’t really know someone at all.
However, if you understand the “Why?” and their stories behind pursuing those hobbies, pursuits, and passions are more important. It’ll be much more important, significant and meaningful than talking about objects that are external to you and her.
Perhaps, she studies really hard to get into law school because she was brought up by a single Mum, and she wants to be self-reliant and independent. You can relate to her by saying that you had a distant upbringing with your family, and you always had to rely on yourself emotionally to get by.
I find that people won’t open to me unless I open up first. It depends on who is leading in the interaction and the conversation. I find it quite refreshing for a girl who can go first and empathize without needing me to make the first step, or always be leading. But hey, in general, you’re the male, and you got to lead and go first.
So, some of you ask. If I’m talking about how I cried when my pet rabbit died last week, how am I going to transit to something sexual?
The facts change and the feelings stay the same. Topics can get sexual and intimate simply by transiting. When you’re connecting on universal emotions such as sadness or happiness. You can simply relate that the last time you were really happy was with your ex girlfriend, and that she was a little crazy in bed… You get my point.
Confrontation and Appreciation
When was the last time someone took notice of something about you and appreciated something that you did? The best leaders in the world lead by positive reinforcement. It’s easy to criticize, and difficult to do otherwise.
I feel appreciation is something that’s left out in our culture and conversations. It requires vulnerability. Our deepest desire is to be needed and appreciated. These days, when I’m out with someone new, I’m always thinking: How can I find positive qualities in her and appreciate her for it? There’s always something to learn from each girl.
Lastly, confrontation is necessary to build a deeper emotional connection with a girl. Think of it as a parent who sits you down, says something that you don’t want to hear, but know that you should hear. You hate it at first, however, you know they’re doing it because they care for you.
Confrontation is something I’m started to get more comfortable with as I grow older. This is especially so with close relationships. Confrontation some times is extremely painful and vulnerable. The majority of people avoid confrontation in the fear of losing the relationship.
However, it is necessary.
Recently, I confronted my two good friends about their values. I was feeling really upset for their unreliability, unaccountability and a host of other issues. I kept it in for months. However, it finally felt inauthentic to be around them without expressing those issues. It didn’t feel like a genuine friendship anymore. It felt like I was holding back my thoughts and desires in fear of losing the relationship.
Confrontation can mean calling a girl out for being half an hour late into a date, confronting a long time friend that disappears for months when things are going well for him and then come back when things aren’t looking too good or confronting a parent about of those negative parenting that you always held against them but never really spoke about it. These events are often painful, but necessary. However, that’s how a deep and meaningful relationship is built.
Expression of Identity
Lastly, I’ll like to add in that you’re not required to share yourself with everyone all the time. There was a period of time I was focusing too much on emotional connection. I was projecting my need for connection to everyone I meet.
I got good at it and I was wondering why I was shit bored at most of the conversations I was having. It’s important to note that not everyone studies self-help and I find Singaporeans, in general, take some time to open themselves up emotionally.
Combine this framework with skill sets such as cold reading, making statements over questions, storytelling, using effective language, and you’ll find yourself in being able to direct and control the flow of conversations.
Remember, expressing who you allow her to open up express who she is.
Seduction is an expression of identity. You’re looking at her physical qualities and she’s looking at your identity. Seduction is simply two-way dance of revealing and expressing each other’s identity to each other. That’s all. Sometimes, girls won’t open up to you on such a deeper level in fear of emotional investment.
However, that’s alright. The right ones will.