You can dress well, hit the gym and get your studies or work right, have friends that you enjoy with being have hobbies going for you… yet still fail to elicit sexual tension between you and your romantic partners.
To quote Neil Strauss:
“In life, people tend to wait for good things to come to them. And by waiting, they miss out. Usually, what you wish for doesn’t fall in your lap; it falls somewhere nearby, and you have to recognize it, stand up, and put in the time and work it takes to get to it. This isn’t because the universe is cruel. It’s because the universe is smart. It has its own cat-string theory and knows we don’t appreciate things that fall into our laps.”
In my first year of learning this entire attracting women thing, I spent a ton of time dolling myself up with nice-looking clothes, hitting the gym and ‘looking good’. I still didn’t get laid. In fact, I’d argue that focusing too much on being good looking may even work against you. Girls may call you out for being a player and she’s may project all sort of stereotypes onto you.
This is why you need to learn how to elicit sexual tension in your romantic interactions.
Firstly, the basics work at all times: dress well on a date, have good relaxed open body language and eye contact. This means not being too jittery, not being shifty in your gaze and putting on a relaxed smile.
Secondly, the dating advice out there that absolutely against alcohol in attempt to get sexual with women. I have nothing against casual drinking and trying to meet girls. It’ll be socially weird if you are out on a bar just to hit on girls with on drinks on hand. If you’re just using it as a social gel, such as getting a drink with a girl who’s already into you, then it’s fine.
However, if you’re using alcohol as a crutch to hit on women then that’s the problem. If you’re so afraid of your own sexuality that you’re using alcohol to deal with it, then I recommend you look into my guide about toxic shame.
I noticed a huge difference in the way I carry myself when I don’t use pornography. I’ll be more motivated to approach women and be more sexual with them. If you’re hitting the clubs in an hour, then don’t masturbate and preserve the energy for the night. If you really feel the urge to get one out, you can replace it pornographic usage with other habits.
In the popular self-help book Think or Grow Rich, it’s suggested that the most successful and powerful people in history go on sexual abstinences to preserved energy for work. Research and studies also back up that pornography can screw up your perception on sex as portrays an unrealistic picture of human sexuality. If you can’t help but need to get one off, you should only be doing it after accomplishing everything you want to achieve in the day.
If you are raring to go with all that pent up sexual aggression… it’s going to rub off in your interactions with women. You are going to be a lot more sexually aggressive and be primed to take more social risks.
One core principle of generating sexual tension is in art of setting a premise. It is the idea of evaluating the person you are dating as much as they are evaluating you. This not only balances out the power dynamic in the relationship, it also creates uncertainty in your interaction between you and her.
Uncertainty creates sexual tension.
Think of premise like being a doctor, as opposed to the pushy salesman. You have a problem, I have a solution and you’re the one that chooses to take up that solution. People don’t like being sold to, they like buying.
This analogy is exemplified in the luxury products industry. Their staff isn’t pushing their luxury products in your face. You’re the one pining to be in their shops to get the that limited edition of that particular product.
In this case, you are framing yourself to be the luxury product and she’s the buyer.
Premise is the context of which you establish any relationship. If you find yourself constantly chasing, putting in an effort and not getting any investment from her end, you lack a premise. You are also likely to lack relationship boundaries.
For example, if you are always the nice guy who always makes himself available to her, she’ll perceive you as a the nice guy going forward. That’s your premise of your relationship with her moving forward in time. It’s harder to change that precedent of a relationship between you and her as opposed to establishing it early.
Of course, setting a premise in itself is limiting in itself. You need to be able to walk the talk. If you are a self-invested individual, then evaluating your time spent with anyone is part of your personal values and not some phoney trick.
If you are outrightly demonstrating your undying lover for her… she knows she already won you over right from the start. You are also putting all of your cards on the table without generating any form emotional investment on her end. You are giving away too much power too early on. She also doesn’t really feel truly appreciated by you. She doesn’t feel special.
That’s because you haven’t ‘qualified’ or ‘disqualified’ her. Only by consciously approving, disapproving, giving and withdrawing validation… you can get her to chase and emotionally invest.
This creates sexual tension between you and her that is aching to be resolved through insatiable mutual lust.
There’s something to be said about trusting yourself on a gut level. The more you look to others to completely imitate sexually attractive behaviours, the more you’ll find yourself feeling like an imposter. Stop looking to others to copy behaviour. Trust yourself.
Trusting yourself and holding her hand, going for the kiss or grabbing her by the waist on a date are romantically polarizing behaviours. You’re putting yourself up for rejection. However, it demonstrates true confidence. Girls can sense that kind true confidence.
I quote a line from Models by Mark Manson:
“Until you learn to trust your own actions and learn to pursue women with your own unique style and personality, you have learned absolutely nothing.”
To elicit sexual tension, it’s all about leading. You’ll need to lead verbally, emotionally, physically and logistically. She’s not going to do it for you. It’s naturally congruent to be a leader and sexually confident. If you’re approaching a woman with intent, you have to back it up by being congruent. Women respond to leadership.
If you’re looking to move a romantic interaction to a venue that allows for more intimacy, don’t ask, lead. She’s not going to say yes because that makes her look like the decision maker. She’s not going to lead the interaction for you. That’s because she can’t look like ‘a slut’ to modern cultural narratives. You need to be the one ‘responsible’.
You can start with light social touches (elbows and shoulders) as a means to create sexual tension and then escalate from there. If she signals that she is comfortable with your touches, then lead and slowly escalate.
If you are relying on routines and canned lines to build sexual tension you are bound to run out of words. I once planned everything, worried about everything and tried to do every damned detail right in my interactions in person, in text and went to the extent of analysing every single interaction.
Needless to say I was too stifled in my interactions. It’s a misconstrued idea that romantic interactions can be completely objectified. Social interactions ain’t a hard science. Romantic interactions are like a cosmic clash. You’re an unknown entity to her and vice versa. Some times, it’s going to be awkward for both of you. That’s completely natural. So expect some nervousness, awkwardness and ride the waves.
If you’re too reliant on canned routines, you are going to find yourself being the entertainer as opposed to the sexually arousing male. This certainly destroys sexual tension. In my younger days, I tend to get into this whole ‘frat’ boy kind of schtick when out on date just to demonstrate that I’m friendly and confident and the same time. It’s a schtick. Girls can sniff out whether you’re really sexually confident or simply putting a front.
Creating sexual tension goes hand in hand with simply deciding to take control in your romantic interactions.
The majority of men are afraid of sexualising an interaction is because they are afraid of expressing their own sexuality. Look, you can’t do anything if a girl decides to slap you when you try going in for the kiss. You can’t do anything if you said something a joke that was funny to you but ended up pissing her off. In spite of everything, always be leading.
This is part of an unapologetic attractive man’s attitude. It is to be responsible for one’s own desires and stop worrying about things out of your control: other people’s actions and emotions.