Ever wondered what to do on the first date? First dates can be confusing. Some people opt for fanciful dinners, others say to keep it light. Then there are the other questions ranging from how do you get to know her on a first date? How can you get her to get to know you on the first date? Can first dates lead to sex?
In my experience, as a general principle, you should treat all your dates like the first date: your dates got to lead to somewhere. You need to be one leading in conversation, when it comes to changing venues, physically and emotionally. How well she gets to know you is going to be dependent on your conversation skills and ability to connect with her.
In general, I only plan for low cost and investment first dates. This usually means coffee at Starbucks or a cafe. If you’re a creep, she’s free to excuse herself since it’s a public area. If she doesn’t turn out like who she is on her online dating profile, your investment is a mere coffee. You’re both free to excuse yourselves.
Psychological research also shows that people value things more when they get they invest personal time, money and effort.
On picking a location, there’s no need to get fancy with crazy first date ideas. You should choose a neutral location between your place and hers. This way, she’ll be investing time and effort to travel to meet you. I almost never drive to pick anyone up for a first date.
However, you’ll soon figure out that time and money aren’t extremely powerful forms of investment at all. It’s the emotional investment that count.
You should ideally plan dates for the evening to generate more expectation. Oh yes, do note that a date out with her friends is NOT a date.
The first date is the date that is going to set the tone of your relationship with her. If she’s attracted to you and you don’t act upon it, she is going to lose that attraction.
In general, try to create opportunities for physical intimacy on the first date. This means, forget movie and dinner dates. They are too un-interactive and don’t introduce any physical intimacy: in the movie theatre, you’re are sitting beside her, silent and facing forward. Not a good idea to get to know each other.
If you’re at a restaurant, depending on your smart you are with your sitting position, you might end up sitting across her and facing her like you’re going in for an interview. That’s not good. You want to try to flirt physical during the first date. The problem with fancy dinners dates is that they’re also costly. Not to mention it’s really boring to just sit across someone and converse for the next 2 hours.
You are not actually going spend 4-5 hours coffee getting to know someone. You’re going to have to plan for at least three low investment form of activities. Ideally, start your date at around 6pm. You want to be peaking together at around 10 pm or 11 pm. The key is to give her the “I need to go home, but I don’t want to yet” feeling.
Here’s a common first date plan I use:
So how do you choose the right locations to go to? This really depends on her personality. The hippies will prefer cafes, stand up comedy and music events. The more adventurous and sporty ones are going to prefer the outdoors. The shopaholics will prefer, erhem, the shopping malls. If you’re in a shopping haven like Singapore, you can go window shopping.
It’s also a good opportunity to expand your identity and your interests. Interested in singing? Invite her to your weekly karaoke session. Interested in martial arts? Get her to sign up for a trial class at your gym.
It’s fun to walk, talk, poke fun at her when she says something cute (or retarded). When you’re walking beside each other, it’s easier to punctuate your conversations with physical touches.
Ideally, you should be trying to flirt with her physically right from the get go. You should be teasing her in your conversations and punctuating your sentences with slight touches.
Note: These days, I don’t really plan out anything special for first dates. If you are generating enough leads through cold approaching or online dating apps, then you want your first date to me more of a screening process. There are going to be first dates that don’t go to anywhere. Hence, there’s no need to come up with fanciful ideas. I like the idea of going to a cafe and then straight to drinks. If you want to plan out more special dates, then make sure both of you really like each other and get a long. Then plan something out on the second or third date.
The classic strategy is to take her to different date location. Psychology suggests that if you’re the only constant among all these changing places, she’ll feel that she ‘got to know you more’. However, you can’t be bouncing around aimlessly, you need to progress your date closer to yours. This requires you to be spontaneous and armed with knowledge about your city.
I’m not saying 100% no to dinner dates. The majority of my coffee dates end up with dinner. That’s after if both of us get along well during coffee. Contrary to popular belief, women do not like heavily planned romantic and expensive dinners for first dates. (Read: gold diggers are an exception.)
However, I’m stating a hard no to romantic, expensive, high expectations kind of dinner dates: the ones where you roll up in your father’s Mercedes Benz to some fancy restaurant. (read: the ones that you pretend to understand the menu.)
Lastly, you want your first dates to be efficient: not all first dates are going to lead to sex. You’re not going to enjoy every single date and not every girl is going to be into you. If you’re not attracted to her or she’s not showing any interest in you, feel free to walk off and end the date right there and then. Other than strong not wasting your time, it’s also a demonstration of strong boundaries.
Ultimately, keep your first couple of dates economical, low investment and light hearted. This saves you money and alleviates pressure from her.
In my experience, I’ve been on first dates with women who were earning higher income than me. In Singapore, the guys generally start drawing an income later than girls as they’ve got two years of national service in the military.
In general, most of the women I’ve been on dates with don’t mind going dutch. However, in Models, Mark Manson suggested that there’s an intrinsic sense of chivalry that women enjoy that makes them feel feminine when you pay for them. He argued that one of the primary psychological need in women is security: paying for them lends itself to that.
Here’s how I normally do it: I make it a team effort. I’ll often pay first and then tell her to buy something else in return later. There’s no need to be uptight and stingy if you’re earning an income. If you’re earning an income much higher than her, it would make sense for you to pay for her. You can get her to make it a team activity and get her to pay for dessert or drinks after. The key is not to make the paying thing too awkward.
In modern culture narratives, women are perceived in a negative light if they initiate on romantic advances. That’s because by initiating interest, she’ll be judged by society as a… ‘slut’. This is why women mostly will never initiate. Even if she wants to.
If you grew up in a traditional Asian culture, you are probably told to be polite, be nice and not to be pushy with women. Let alone on first dates. I’m going to differ. It’s pointless to approach hundreds of girls, be extremely charismatic on on text but being unable to make the close on the date. This is why it’s always on YOU to push for sex as early as the first date.
If you are making out with her and holding hands with her towards the end of your first date, there’s an opportunity to get her back to yours. You’ll want to take your date to somewhere more private. I recommend bars and cafes that are along beaches. Beach dates are great for intimacy and privacy. It can be playgrounds or small parks. You can simply say you know an awesome bar near yours, grab her hand and get into the cab.
Remember, lead, lead and always lead.
There are going to be a percentage of women who aren’t comfortable with physical intimacy on the first date and there are going to be women that are. However, like I always say: lead and ask forgiveness later.
If you meet her at a cafe or a coffeeshop, choose a seat that plants you beside her instead of in front of her. Either that, just stand up, and plant yourself beside her. It might seem awkward, however, I’ve done that it a couple of times and if she’s attracted, she won’t reject you. Remember, women desire to be desired.
The ability to be physically intimate with women is going to differentiate your results by a mile.