The majority of the people you meet aren’t going to be available to you romantically or sexually at any certain point of time. They say dating is a numbers game. That’s true to a certain extent. So how can you better deal with rejection, move forward with time sinks and better your dating lives?
How to Deal with Rejection?
Sometimes, we get rejected not because we did something creepy or obnoxious, it’s because of we of the difference in life values and beliefs systems.
Incompatibility occurs when there’s a difference of values with someone you’re interacting with. It also includes the external circumstances that prevent him or her from acting on that attraction or being romantically interested in you. It is also a perfect example of the limitations of attraction and how most women or men at any given time won’t be available to you no matter what you do or say, or how attracted he or she is to you at that point in time.
External circumstances can range from being already attached, the number of days you or she are left with in the city, her cat dying, her friend’s opinions on how you look like her ex-boyfriend that cheated on her. Basically, factors that you can’t control.
This is when you approach a girl who looks at your longingly and deep into your eyes but holds back giving you her number. She probably has a boyfriend or a husband. This is also someone who you have emotional chemistry with. However, he snorts cocaine on the weekend whilst you go to church with your mother. There’s an obvious lifestyle incompatibility.
Everyone has different personalities, values, beliefs and comfort levels of novelty, sex and etc.
There’s nothing you can do when someone has different values and beliefs as you do.
There’s nothing I can do when I’m out with a virgin that has sworn off sex till marriage. It’s not about my ability to be charismatic anymore, it’s not about ‘persuasion’ anymore. No expert, line or ‘frame’ can help you, it’s simple incompatibility.
Projection occurs when someone projects one’s own unconscious qualities onto others in every day life. This often comes in the form of character judgments. In dating, it happens when you meet partners who for whatever reasons, are uncomfortable with their own sexuality. They often harbor trust issues and resentment with sexuality of the opposite sex. This is usually because they might have a history of some sort of emotional, sexual abuse or had a string of disappointments or anger with men growing up or with former partners.
When they are faced with a confident, non-needy individual, they may lash out in response. They aren’t lashing out for a lack of attraction, but because they are attracted and that attraction scares them. Their belief system of sexuality is negative and when confronted when with a sexually confident individual, they end up lashing out. They may accuse you of being demanding, sexist, overbearing, horny, untrustworthy and etc. These accusations usually have little to no connection to reality, and a truly confident individual will either walk away or simply ignore these accusations.
The more non-needy and vulnerable you make yourself, the more polarizing response you’ll invite from others.
Strategy: Moving Things Forward
No matter how much charisma you think you have, or how you change your behaviour, a good portion of people you meet isn’t going to be interested or available at that point in time.
The truth is that is the majority of the romantic partners you meet is going to have a high degree of friction when you meet them. This to be expected and I merely see it as a simple incompatibility.
Hence, it’s always recommended to express your desires to her in a way that moves things forward efficiently.
This will invite a lot of rejection. However, it saves you hours, days and years of time sink. Our job is to get to the point where she either rejects us or love us, in the shortest time possible. Marketing material in the dating advice industry often sells you the idea that there’s a foolproof to get around dealing with rejection. Unfortunately, reality often pans out otherwise.
In this case, rejection is a positive thing. The man who gets rejected the most often gets to most results as well. This doesn’t happen by chance.
People with self-esteem don’t enjoy spending time with people who don’t enjoy spending time with them. I don’t enjoy spending time with people who don’t enjoy spending time with me. It’s as simple as that.
If you’ve made a value of not going out with someone who doesn’t value your time, then the girls or people that reject you become immediately incompatible. If you’ve drawn the line of not hanging out with people who don’t value you as a person, then you’ll no longer need to play the chasing game.
Redefining Your Metrics of Success
How can you define yourself as someone successful in your dating life? By having three romantic partners at a go? By committing to one partner? Who’s more successful? The guy who dates 10 strippers at one go or the guy who commits to a long-term relationship with one girl who he really enjoys being with.
It’s easy to get side tracked into the ego boost or validation. After all these years, I’m still amazed at how poorly I choose my romantic partners at times. After all, our minds are filled with unreliable biases.
Take the average guy improves this area of his life by learning certain social skillsets. He hires a life coach, learns how to approach girls in Singapore. Not before long, he understands that dating and romantic relationships can be generated through his own actions and it’s not something that’s left to fate or circumstances.
“Self development” is working out for him.
Through his new found social skills, he goes around pursuing women who’re he’s not genuinely interested in but for the sake of validation, but bragging rights. Is it an improvement after all right? He went from zero dates to many dates. Forget about the fact that he isn’t really enjoying himself on these dates.
Unfortunately, this, is a failure in itself, although he went from not dates to dates with girls that he feels “meh’ about. He’s still avoiding feeling vulnerable and at risk of being rejected by women that he’s genuinely interested in. The avoidance of this feeling is a failure it itself.
“It’s better to fail on a date with a girl you like, than to sleep with a girl you don’t enjoy being around with.”
– Marcus Neo Kai Jie
This is why it’s important to define your own metrics of success in dating and relationships, not some arbitrary metric that society, self development or pick up artist communities created.
You and I have both internal and external motivators when it comes to dating and relationships. Internal motivators or metrics are said to be much healthier than external motivators of metrics. External motivators and metrics cannot be the only values that hold the relationship together. In the long run, internal values such as respect, trust and empathy have to be valued more than external metrics. For example, beauty is not the only metric that I hold in my dating life. I hold internal values such as respect, trust, boundaries, and values in any relationship.
Qualify and Evaluate The People you are Spending Time With
When you’re out on a date, you should also sit back and evaluate if he or she’s capable of has values you’re looking for such intelligence, curiosity, and empathy.
You need to evaluate if SHE fits your needs and values. This way you relieve pressure on yourself. You actually enjoy your dates and don’t have a need to impress him or her. When you approach your dating life with honesty and vulnerability. You’ll expose your values to her in the shortest period of time possible. You cut out the mind games, and at the same time, you establish clear boundaries in your relationship.
Of course, I’m not saying that you go up to someone and say: I just want to have sex with you, and I don’t see this going anywhere. That’s just socially unintelligent. I’m saying that by expressing your values in an honest and vulnerable manner, most people will appreciate you for it.
The Benefits of these Principles
- You stop pursing people for so-so reasons. You stop going out with people just because you want to brag to your friends. You stop wasting your time on dates that make you feel like you’re just going through the motion just to prove something to yourself or prove something to people that you barely know or give a fuck about.
- You start valuing your time and see time as an investment to be made on other productive activities such as curing cancer, building your career, learning a new skill, getting a degree, travelling the world and etc.
- You establish strong boundaries and iron our personal values. You build self-esteem.
Presenting Your Ideal Self
There’s probably this one girl or guy at work, school or within a social circle that you’re obsessing or thinking about. You probably do not dare to ask him or her out, and it has been months. You want that one person as your boyfriend or girlfriend.
I, like you, and millions of guys out there once spent the good part of my teenage life fantasizing over ONE girl. Taking months to speak to her, and then taking years to ask her out. Through avoiding rejection, I sacrificed my own time, other opportunities and life purpose.
The better way to tackle the question of how to deal with rejection is to focus on self development. It is to constantly focus on becoming the ideal version of yourself.
That’s where self-improvement comes in. When you focus on presenting the best version of yourself to the world, something that is immediately controllable, when the right person at the right time comes into your life, you’re more than well prepared.