Learning how to flirt is a charismatic mean to escalating your interactions from a social one to a romantic or sexual one. It’s a necessary routine of modern dating. If you want to be competent in this area of your life, learning how to flirt with a girl is a key skill that you need to learn. Flirting done right is demonstrating your intentions without out stating it out in the open. Flirting also adds in sexual polarity your romantic interaction.
How to Flirt with a Girl: The Ultimate Guide
“In life, people tend to wait for good things to come to them. And by waiting, they miss out. Usually, what you wish for doesn’t fall in your lap; it falls somewhere nearby, and you have to recognize it, stand up, and put in the time and work it takes to get to it. This isn’t because the universe is cruel. It’s because the universe is smart. It has its own cat-string theory and knows we don’t appreciate things that fall into our laps.”
– Neil Strauss
- The Art of Premise
80% of the art of flirting is an art of setting a premise. It’s the idea of evaluating the person your dating for as much as they are evaluating you. This not only balances out the power dynamic in the relationship, but it’ll also create a ‘love/ hate’ dynamic between you and her.
Think of premise like being a doctor, as opposed to the pushy salesman. You have a problem, I have a solution and you’re the one that chooses to take up that solution. People don’t like being sold to, they like buying. I’m not going to push it in your face.
This analogy is exemplified in the luxury products industry. Their staff isn’t pushing their luxury products on your face. You’re the one pining to be in their shops to get the that limited edition of that particular product.
In this case, you’re attempting to be the luxury product, and she’s the buyer.
The premise is the context of which you establish any relationship. If you find yourself constantly chasing, putting in an effort and not getting any investment from her end, you lack a premise. You may also lack relationship boundaries.
For example, if you set the premise as the nice guy who always makes himself available to her, she’ll perceive you as that nice guy. That’s your premise for your relationship with her going forward. If you find yourself constantly trying to chase her, you’ll need to set the right premise and evaluate her as much as she’s evaluating you. You introduce premise through flirting. It’s harder to change that precedent of a relationship between you and her from there as opposed to establishing it early.
Of course, setting a premise in itself is limiting in itself. You need to be able to walk the talk. If you’re self-invested, then it’s part of your personal values and not some phoney trick you pull out of your pocket. You can use this either strategy as a bluff or can it part of your reality. I recommend the latter.
- Art of Push and Pull
The push-pull dynamic is a term coined by the pick up artist community to describe a commonly used technique of flirting. If you understand push pull, you understand 80% of the art of flirting. It sends mixed signals, intentions and builds sexual tension.
The push is when you ‘push a girl away’ with a tease or a something negatively playful. For a push to work, you got to do it in a tongue in cheek style.
Here’s an example of a push:
‘That’s kind of annoying. We’re totally not going to get a long’
The pull is when you say: ‘I’m kidding, you’re actually pretty cute’. It’s normally done after a ‘push’. This creates an “I love you, I hate you dynamic” which is girls find fun and arousing. Yes, there’s research that suggests that mixed signals build sexual tension.
To perform the push pull correctly, you’re not supposed to do it to get a reaction from the girl. You’re teasing her in a tongue in cheek manner, and also ia n way that it subtlely displays interest. It’s NOT about using it as a ‘technique’ or a ‘line’. When a push is done right, she’ll laugh, hit you on the arms or give you a slightly shocked looked.
You can then pull by saying ‘I’m kidding, I love that you’re slightly annoying. It’s pretty cute’.
The ‘pull’ is when you say something that pulls her back in to soften the push. The pull also can be a qualification. You can qualify her for her personality traits that are non-physical. It also demonstrates that she’s special that you’re not dating her just for her looks.
If a girl I’m out on a date with says something smart, I could say: “You’re kind of a huge nerd. However, being smart is kind of cute.”
You see the push and the pull in one sentence? I’m calling her a nerd and saying it’s a good thing.
Only pushing in the interaction will make it seem that you’re only interested in insulting her. It’ll also demonstrate that you’re actually afraid of showing your interest for her and that you’re using teases as a way to means cover up your lack of confidence.
- Role Playing
Roleplaying is one of my favourite go tos. The one I used to milk is the husband and wife role play. I use to milk this line I was starting out:
“We’re getting divorced, you’re keeping the kids, I get the TV and the music”
Other role plays dynamics can be girlfriend boyfriend dynamic, the crazy ex girlfriend, teacher and student and anything can mean a potentially sexual interaction. You can also use the same role play time to time throughout your interaction.
Stereotypes are fun to play with. You can play around with common cultural narratives and jokes that are unique to your culture. In Singapore (my home country), there’s a stereotype known as the ‘ah lian’. If a girl is ah lian, it means she’s outspoken and unkempt. I used to milk this stereotype as well. If she is wearing spectacles, you can tease her about being nerdy. If she studying law, you can tease her about being an intellectual snob.
“I have this idea that everyone from [her country] is [borderline racist stereotype].”
- Embarrassing Physical or Personality Trait
This can be done through observation about an embarrassing physical or personal trait in her even if you’re just guessing and she doesn’t actually display that trait. If she does something clumsy, or loud, or attention-seeking. You can tie the behaviour to a children’s character, or an immature youth and then expand on it to ridiculous proportions.
You can use conversational jump off points about her job or about her current mood and link it back to something childish.
This should also be done positively, and not negatively. That’s the difference between a tease and an insult.
Two friends: “You are the sensible one, aren’t you? She’s always having dumb ideas and you have to make the decisions before everything goes disastrously wrong.”
“You’re a bad girl. She’s a nice girl – I can see it in her eyes. You’re trouble. I don’t trust you. My mother warned me to stay away from girls like you.”
“You’re the older sister, right? Always watching the baby one and keeping her out of trouble.”
Can you make someone feel special just through words? The idea of qualification is to appreciate and screen a girl for non-physical traits that you value in a girl. It’s important for you to sit down and ask yourself what do you like and not like about girls in general. Instead of using it as a technique, you should do this as a personal standard you set for yourself in your life.
Some of the traits that I value in a girl is intellectual curiosity, nurturance and kindness.
You can actively qualify these traits in your interactions with girls. Not only it’ll demonstrate that you have standards but it’ll also screen out girls that you actually enjoy being with. You can ‘screen and qualify’ a girl by asking her in a kind of doubtful tone about her personality traits. You can ask her about stuff that she does for fun, the books that she read, the movies that she likes.
Note: Qualification can be used at the wrong time and place. One of the classic mistakes I see is guys asking a girl if she can cook in the middle of a club. It’s totally out of context. You need to use qualification in context.
Taking care of yourself, dressing well, qualifying and showing direct interest to girls can yield you results. However, it is not going to take you all the way.
From personal experience, a lot of girls aren’t ready or able to receive compliments or interest in a direct manner. This is especially true for Asian culture. They may even feel awkward if you express interest directly. Yes, she’s going to be attracted, however, you’re going to get seemingly positive responses that go nowhere if you’re trying to punch above your weight class (and you should)
That’s because she isn’t invested in any outcome. She isn’t chasing. She hasn’t invested. If you’re outrightly showing interest, she knows she already won you over right from the start. You are also putting all of your cards on the table without any form of investment on her end. You’re giving away too much power too early on. She also doesn’t really feel truly appreciated by you. That’s because you haven’t ‘qualified’ or ‘disqualified’ her. Only by actively approving, disapproving, taking and giving validation, you get her to chase and emotionally invest.
However, if you’re not completely won over yet, then it gets interesting for her. One of the ways to elicit this is through disqualification. It creates a gap between you and her and gets her to think ‘Who the hell is he? I’m hot, however, this guy doesn’t seem to want to get with me. Why is that so?’
She might start thinking: ‘am I not good enough?’
Here are some disqualification lines you can use:
‘You seem… interesting…’
‘You have the silliest/ most adorable expressions’
‘You are trouble’
‘You and I are so not going to get along’
‘You’re actually kind of cute’
‘You would make a great girlfriend if you weren’t so X’
‘You’ll never get into my pants if you keep doing that’
They all subtly say: I’m interested but I’m not quite sold yet, you got to show me more. I’m also screening and judging you if you are a right fit in my life. This old school frame works up till today.
The technique of disqualification is based on the idea that by disqualifying yourself as a potential sexual partner, you send ambiguous signals and she’ll end chasing you.
When you qualify yourself or her, you’re basically saying: I like you, that’s because I like some of your personality traits. However, when you disqualify a girl, you’re saying: it’s not going to happen between you and her.
Disqualification should be used based on context. For example, if you sense that your interaction with her is getting a little dry, you can add disqualification to spice things up. If you feel that she’s not comfortable with you, perhaps she doesn’t feel special enough. You should stop disqualifying and start qualifying (the opposite).
There was this one approach with a Korean girl at the club. I approached her with a direct approach. I held her cheeks in my hands and leaned in as if to examine her face. She seemed interested until the point where I threw in a disqualification.
“You look like my younger little sister”.
Her face changed immediately and she signalled her friend to walk away. In this case, I wasn’t congruent with my direct approach, where I approached her expressing interest directly. It has its right time and place in a situation.
How to Flirt: Combining Verbals and Non Verbals
- The Blatant Escalation
The first way to do it is to escalate blatantly. Think about it, which truly confident male would resort to too many techniques to touch her. The truly confident male does it because he feels and wants to do it and doesn’t resort to lines or methods to get there.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with the push and pull style of flirting, childish teases and coming up with role plays. However, these techniques can become repetitive and boring. If you’re over reliant on verbally flirting, then you’re going end up with lots of laughs and a weird physical void. Sexual tension is never really reliant just on words. Through touching her outrightly, you’re also displaying comfort with your own sexuality. If you like her, then express it directly, there’s no need for too much fanciful flirting. You are a sexual man and you can show it.
However, the cons of escalating directly are that you’re displaying too much interest. She already knows she has you. Secondly, you’re not getting any investment from her end, you’re not making her chase, you’re not making her wonder. You can kill sexual tension just by escalating too much.
- The Push and Pull
Just flirting with her with words isn’t enough. You’re required to add physicality at some point of the interaction or she’ll sense that you’re just masking your confidence with clever lines. Note: The more attractive you become, the more girls to expect you to lead the interaction.
However, not to worry, the art of flirting verbally and non verbally falls back to the same dynamic of push pull. For example, you push her away with a tease and pull her back in with a shoulder hug or front hug. Rinse and repeat this push-pull dynamic and you’ll get a sexually charged interaction.
Here’s a sequence:
[Tease Verbally + Touch]
“You’re either the really independent type of girl or so you’re one of those pretentious bankers with that suit and tie. I’m just kidding, I really like the outfit, it has kind of a sexy secretary look to it.” + Shoulder Hug.
Through delivering this line, you can calibrate and adjust accordingly to her level of interest interacting with you. Once her hands are on your shoulders or her shoulders on yours, you can leave it there for a bit see how comfortable she is with it. One of the golden rules of flirting physically is to assume that you’ve known her for years. You then take it off to avoid seeming like a creep and keep the ambiguity of the interaction going.
If you haven’t noticed by now, there’s a couple of push and pulls verbally and non verbally in this process. This push-pull model is rinsed and repeated in different variations during different phases of the interactions and it builds sexual tension.
Ultimately, flirting is a core skillset you need to get down to move your interactions forward. Girls do it, guys do it and everyone does it. It’s the way people demonstrate romantic interest.