How to Get Laid – The Emotionally Healthy Guide to Casual Sex

By Marcus Neo | Dating and Relationships

Mar 18

If you want to get laid, let’s just say you got to be minimally sexually attractive to women. You’ll still have to get your social skillsets down, dress well, have good body language, understand female psychology, understand where to meet women, how to approach them, take them out on a date and all of that ‘hard work’.

There’s also a misconception that all girls desire long term relationships before being willing to sleep with you. Now, whilst the majority of men attempts to manipulate their way into a girl’s pants, you’re going to be the minority is actually able to communicate with her and lay out expectations in vulnerable manner. 

Now, there is going a demographic of girls that’ll strictly believe in sex after marriage. No, despite all the crazy dating advice out there tells you,, you can’t actually change someone’s values overnight. You’re going to be hitting up against the wall, no matter how smart you think your lines or techniques works. It rarely works, if even at all. 

The Emotionally Healthy Guide to Casual Sex 

There’s a quote by entrepreneur Tim Ferris who said: a person’s success in a life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have. This is true especially when it comes to setting out expectations and boundaries in your dating life.

  • Be Empathetic about It

Basically, be 100% open about sex and talk about sex openly. This can mean be willing to say that you find her attractive and want to have sex with her. If she asks you about if you see this going into a relationship, don’t fucking say yes just for the sake of getting into her pants. Please don’t. Have some fucking self respect and ethics. Paradoxically, it’s this self respect and ethics that gets a girl to open up. 

Up till this day, I’m proud of the fact that I’ve never mislead any girls before. Honesty as a strategy is also a value I want to stress that I want to enforce as a dating coach.

She’s not going to feel like a slut if you’re honest about your desires with her. In fact, she’s going to feel the opposite, she’s going to feel you’re a human being and that you for care to a certain extent. You can say that you don’t know and you aren’t looking for a committed relationship at this point of time. 

There are multiple reasons why you do not want to have a committed relationship. This can be because of work, travel, difference in geographical location or you just want to explore your options. 

For years straight on, when I get asked that question: I simply say I don’t know, and that was true. I liked the person I was seeing a lot, however, it’s just that I was unsure about myself in general and wasn’t sure if I wanted to be in a committed relationship. 

If she asks you about you being a player or the number of girls you’ve slept with, you can simply say that that’s none of her business. 

When you’re upfront and honest about your desires, you’ll remove a lot of the necessary mind games. There’s no need to pressure anyone into doing something that they don’t want to do. 

However, vulnerability need not be confused with commitment or attachment. It’s possible to experience a powerful connection with a woman and never desire long term commitment with one another. 

  • Don’t Have Double Standards

Secondly, you aren’t in an exclusive relationship. You’re free to date others and she’s free to see others as well. There shouldn’t be any jealousy involved. 

Talk Openly about It and Have Empathy

The term last minute resistance or ‘LMR’ is commonly used in the pick up artist community.

It’s when girls resist last minute when she’s already in your room or bed. I’ve had these situations three-four times throughout my dating career. The solution to this isn’t to use some technique to trick her into sleeping with you (although that can work, there are ways to play on people’s fear of loss and abandonment, remember the freeze out technique?).

It’s vulnerability. It is to empathize with her. 

It is to ask her if she’s comfortable with you. Is she looking for a long term relationship? Does she feel uncomfortable to hook up before a relationship/marriage? What are her values?

I once had a girl over and she said: ‘We’re not going to have sex’. I immediately replied: ‘Yup, we aren’t.’ I was totally chill about it. To be honest, it’s a turn off to me when sex is forced or manipulated. Spoiler: she and I end up doing it anyways.

Take Responsibility of The Situation

There is a difference between in the perception of casual sex in Eastern and Western cultures. This is largely, and hugely ignored in the dating advice industry. This is something I stress upon time and time again, but nobody seems to listen. 

You need to take into the account of sexual shame in Eastern cultures. Relationships, love, intimacy isn’t exactly openly discussed over dinner tables in my own family growing up, I can’t remember the last time. I used to think this is a problem exclusive to my family. However, it’s not. It’s a cultural issue.

Look, I’m not saying that it’s completely different. The fundamentals of how to attract women are the similar. However, how you actually go about doing it.

Honesty is a cornerstone my philosophy in attracting women. However, it’s important to note that Asian cultures are much more sensitive in nature. If you are too ‘honest’ in your interactions, it might come off as rude, insensitive, blunt, even if don’t mean it to be. 

When starting out, I went with the cocky funny type of personality. I mean, that’s what you read in pick up artist books right? I gradually noticed cocky funny jokes only works on girls who are more liberal minded. It didn’t really click with the majority of the women in Singapore.

Like it or not, women (and human beings) are influenced by cultural values. Consciously or subconsciously, when evaluating potential partners, girls do take these values into account. They don’t want the cocky funny asshole player that they invite home for family dinners or bring him to meet her friends. 

The Anti Slut Defence

One of the defining philosophies that was born out of the pick up artist community is the idea that you got to understand the ‘anti slut defence’. In modern society’s eyes, if a girl hooks up with a guy, she’s a slut. If a guy hooks up with a girl, he’s a champion. It’s a double standard by modern society that makes sex, dating and relationships complicated and confusing. 

If she makes a move on you, she’s a slut for doing so. This is why girls in conservative cultures are going to be more passive when letting you know that she’s interested in you.

You got to come from a mind frame that if she hooks up with you, it’s your responsibility. It’s not her fault, responsibility at all. If you take all responsibility away from her, she’s allowed to blame you or external circumstances when you make your sexual advances. She’s able to justify it amongst her friends. 

The guys that got ‘good game’ go to lengths to make sure she’s not perceived as a slut. They are socially aware of what’s happening around them. This means only kissing her when her friends are not around, knowing when to make the right excuses and being empathetic about her current mood and feelings. If you’re looking for casual sex with a woman, she must have to have something to say about you to their friends. Their opinions matter. They needy to justify their behaviours to their friends why they went with you, hooked up with you and date you.

I see guys from the pick up artist community trying out routines such as handshakes or using bombastic pick up lines. The point isn’t to go over the board with your fanciful routines or a ‘high value’ portrayal, but to be empathetic, at the same time displaying that you are someone with strong boundaries and you are acting our of your values. 

Understanding how to hook up in an Eastern culture is going to take time and patience. If you’re not into long term relationships, be prepared that you got to invest time, effort and emotions into the dating game. This can mean going for 2-3 dates before hitting home run. This means going extra lengths showing her that you too care for her as a human being.

How to Get Her Back to Your Place

If you are dressing well, hitting the gym, getting your studies right, having friends that you enjoy with being, being interested in your job and having hobbies going for you. Ultimately if you come from a standpoint of emotional needs for status, connection and security that an ideal boyfriend will. You’re may be that empathetic yet high value male that she’ll break all rules for you. 

There’s no need to outrightly verbalize: let’s go home and fuck. I know, in this blog I advocate honesty, but not radical honesty. If you’re verbalizing everything, you’re also showing a lack of vulnerability and social intelligence. That’s unattractive and a turn off for women. It shows that you aren’t able to put yourself out there emotionally and have to somewhat verbalize and justify your sexual advances.

Now, assuming you’re on your third date, you guys are already making out, then the next logical step is sex. Some men are often faced with the problem of staying with their parents. I recommend ironing out this problem out with your parents. It’s the matured thing to do.

I remembered that I would awkwardly drive my Dad’s car to my place without asking her if she wants so to come after a date near a bar at my place. The general rule of getting her back to yours isn’t to ask her. It’s to lead. It’s to make the interaction subtle and socially intelligent. Finding an excuse to get her back to yours is a socially intelligent way to do it. You can stock up on alcohol at yours and then ask her over for drinks.

Okay, assuming the sex really isn’t going to happen. It’s past midnight and are you going to let her stay? I used to be alright with girls coming over and not wanting to hook up. I even rationalised it as ‘at least I got someone to hug to sleep.’ That was due to my lack of boundaries at that point in time. However, these days, if nothing is going to go down, I’ll politely ask her to leave.

The Art of Being a Hard Closer

If you’ve always perceived yourself as a nice person, then you must be willing to be slightly pushy and willing to piss off some people around you. If you’ve always believed yourself to be extremely attractive and your dating life isn’t something that you need to put work into, then by letting go of these beliefs, you’re now free to actively create new opportunities for yourself.

Only by letting go of certain stories you tell yourself, that you’re free to pull the trigger. You’re free to go out, take action and face eventual failure/ success. 

How to End things with Zero Drama

If you’re looking to hook up with a friend of a friend of a friend. Then keeping your mouth shut about dating her is going to help lower the potential cost of her hooking up with you. This is especially true for an Asian cultured society like Singapore. She doesn’t want others around her and you to know about you guys dating.

I used to purposely take a girl out of University grounds just for the sole purpose of not letting others know that we’re dating. Hooking up through social circles are the majority’s strategies to get laid. One way to get good at this is to have a wide social circle of friends. However, if you’re like me that doesn’t enjoy the mindless politics in maintaining social circles, then you might want to learn how to approach girls in the day and night clubs.

Normally, a guy is more invested before sex and a girl is less invested before sex. The power dynamic of the relationship flips after sex.  You’re no longer chasing her, and normally, she’s the one chasing you. The length of how long you’re able to be friends with benefits with each other depends on various factors. It’ll depend on both party’s abilities to keep things perfectly casual, which is tough. 

The power of choice that a woman had (whether to have sex or note) switches over to the man (whether to commit or not). If this power dynamic doesn’t switch, it usually a sign of neediness in the man and her attraction for him will not last. 

Let’s be honest here, one side will give way and want more out of the relationship. It’s no longer about the sex. Now, it’s about identity and attachment. So, assuming you’re not in it for the long run, how do you end a casual relationship on drama free note? 

If either of you aren’t ready for a committed relationship, the solution is to have a clean break, or take a break from have a purely sexual relationship. This means setting strong boundaries, setting expectations clear and for Christ’s sake: stick it to it. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve watched friends go back and forth with one girl. It’s confusing to look at and it often leads to a shit pool of un-needed drama.  

 

Spead The Love

About the Author

Marcus Neo is an entrepreneur and coach. Enjoys writing about dating, relationship, business, and psychology. Introvert yet extrovert. Likes martial arts and music, but never got around to the latter.

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