She’s sitting across the table of Starbucks. She’s beautiful, well kempt together with a mix of high low fashion. You desire to start a conversation with her. You feel it in your bones. The potential possibility between you and this stranger her are endless at this point. You may get rejected right off the bat, or you guys may end up falling in love. However, you freeze and you don’t know what to say… much less how to say it.
How to talk to girls? Is it possible to start, continue and have a great conversation with a beautiful lady you just met?
Starting a conversation with a girl, or any stranger is a skillset that can be learnt.
How to Start a Conversation with a Girl – Conversational Mindsets
Before you go into the nitty gritty into how to start a conversation, you got to understand that there are good conversational mindsets that can make or break a conversation.
This can be done by paying attention to simple conversational mindsets such as using effective language, using more statements as opposed to questions, creating endless conversation threads by paying attention to words and themes and understanding how to emotionally connect with someone.
Mindset 1: Lower The Bar For a Conversation
The first step to starting a conversation with a stranger and never running out of words is to lower the bar for conversation. Many of us, including myself, often think that we have to be Gandhi or Jesus to be able to converse and converse with strangers.
I’m notorious for being too witty and lost in abstract arguments in my head. It has single handedly submarined a lot of social, romantic and business opportunities. Ever since then, I’ve made a point to tone down the wit and go with the simpler concepts. In addition to that, just relying on pure wit or intellect is actually a horrible way to communicate in relationships.
It’s also form of cultural script from movies you watch growing up where the actors and actresses often come up with witty lines and the ‘perfect moment’. In reality, is far from the truth. When getting to know someone new, it is going to be a little awkward at first. However, it gradually gets better.
Mindset 2: Statements Versus Questions
Have you ever had someone who you just got to know ask you repetitive questions? I bet you have. It also felt irritating. Girls feel the same way as well. When you go interview mode on her, you’re making the conversational flow one sided.
Instead of going down the route of interviewing her and asking questions. When you make statements, you’re giving your own input and giving her a window to respond to that statement.
The trick here isn’t to just stick to statements. It’s to mix in statements and questions. In Asian culture, if you were just to stick to statements, most girls will not know how to respond. From my experience, they’re just too used to guys asking questions all thetime, and haven’t built any social skills to share themselves.
It’s a much better conversational habit as compared to asking questions and waiting for her reply. Of course, if you were to make statements, questions and she just doesn’t respond, it means that she’s not ready to talk and isn’t receptive.
Don’t take it personally and move on.
Statements in general offer more ‘value’ and opportunity for her to get continue to a conversation than questions. When you’re just going off on questions with a girl, you don’t express your identity, and you don’t really put her in a position to express hers. She’s got to invest in the conversation for the interaction to go well.
Cold reading is a skillset that you can use to make statements. Other simple ones include making observations about the environment or something that catches your eye. It’s possible to turn every question into a statement. For example, instead of asking what she does for a job, why not make a statement that she looks like she works in a creative line or looks like a teacher and etc.
If you get it wrong, she’ll correct you. If you get it right, she’ll be quite surprised at how intuitive you are. There are no loses to making guesses.
You can also make statements about your day to day life. Instead of worrying what to ask her next, you can just go off randomly on your day or events that interest you: ‘I almost got hit by a car this morning’. ‘I hate my boss, he just made me do two times the work today’.
It’s better to be random and interesting than to be predictable. However, you can’t go overboard with randomness, as it won’t work in a Asian/Singaporean culture.
Statements done right can inspire her to find out more about your. You can now dictate the interaction. She’s the one asking questions, and she’s the one sub-communicating that she’s interested in finding out more about you.
Caveat: I’d like to add that questions are alright in the Singaporean culture, most girls here aren’t really equipped with the social skills to lead the interaction, you’ll be required to do a little bit of babysitting.
Mindset 3: Listening Actively
One of the common pitfalls of learning social skills is to only talk about yourself and only showing interest in the topics that you yourself are interested in.
Just recently, I went out with one of my girl friends. She had relationship woes. For three hours straight, she went on was how shit of their ex-boyfriend treated her. This spanned the whole of three fucking hours. Whilst I’m perfectly cool with lending her a listening ear, it just got downright irritating after awhile. At the end of the hang out session, I didn’t exactly feel appreciated for lending a listening ear.
Here’s a trick. If you want to feel better about yourself it’s better to step outside of yourself and empathize with someone else’s problems. Instead of having a self-defeating loop in your mind, merely focused on your own problems, your own trouble or your own pain. It helps, try it.
If you’re genuinely interested in the world of others. It will lead you to a lot more conversational opportunities than just sticking to your own topics of conversation.
Take a good listen to people around you. Everyone’s attempting to jam their point of view down everyone else’s throat. No one’s truly listening. Communication at the end of the day is a two-way thing. Yes, you get to share your story, once they are done listening to yours, do make a point to listen to their story. Part of being interesting is being genuinely interested remember?
Mindset 4: Use Effective Language
Using effective language means using the shortest number of words possible to in conversation to get your point across. You would rather have 5 minutes of awesome conversation as opposed to 15 minutes of beating around the bush. You will come off as more well spoken and charismatic.
This means removing ‘ahh’ ‘you know’ and ‘erhms’ and other filters when you’re conversing.
This doesn’t mean you speak like a robot either. You can use different tonality and pace to get more emotion across in your conversations. Writing and keeping a journal can help with this skillset.
- Remember, You Don’t Have to Say anything
When there’s nothing to say, don’t feel like a need that you have to say something. That’s part of being grounded in your social interactions. There’s no need to fill every silent gap with something to say. People who can’t help but ramble on to ‘keep the peace’ is displaying a form of anxious attachment.
When in doubt, ask yourself, ask yourself, are you saying something because you’re afraid of the silence or the slight confrontation? If the answer is Yes, then it’s OKAY to keep to yourself. Remember, you don’t need permission to speak to anyone, or not speak to anyone.
How to Spark Conversations out of Thin Air
Skillset 1: Asking Innocuous Questions
I used to think that simple questions sounded stupid and it’s ‘impractical’ to ask someone on such questions. However, I realized innocuous questions are a mere social tool and conversational starter to get some social juices going when talking to strangers.
No one goes deep into their life story in the first few minutes of getting someone new. And no one expects a life story within the first few minutes either.
Some example of innocuous questions:
- “What are you up to here?”
- “How’s your day?”
You’ll be surprised how far these innocuous questions can help is starting a conversation with a beautiful stranger.
Skillset 2: Making Simple Observations
Secondly, you can also start a conversation with a stranger by making simple observations. You can get creative with this. It can be something in the current environment you’re in, it can be the cute dress that she’s wearing, or the cute blue toenails she has spent hours on. It can be the weather. It can be the fake tan she has on. (I’m kidding)
- “Wow, the weather’s pretty hot today.”
- ‘Those are nice blue toenails you have on, they are really cute.’
Just like asking innocuous questions, think of it as a conversational starter. Once you get small talks like that going, you can follow these observations up with a question, or a cold read.
Skillset 3: The Art of Cold Reading
Cold reading is the art of making an intelligent guess about something about someone. It doesn’t matter if you’re wrong or right. The point of it is to get the conversation going and flowing by making a guess about something, about someone.
It’s one of the most effective and if not the bread and butter of conversational tools that you should include in your daily life if you’re looking to improve your social and communication skills. I highly recommend it to all my readers and clients as a dating coach.
Generating conversations out of thin air can be done through cold reading and make harmless neutral assumptions with the people you are talking with.
Examples of Cold Reading:
- “I did arts back in Junior college, I never did well with it, my art’s teacher hated me, I can’t draw to save to save the world.”
- “Hi, you seem to be a really artsy person. Did you take an arts subject in school?”
- “You look like you’re a school teacher, you must be a pretty bad one, all the kids must hate you”
One statement that can be followed up by the first one.
The thing about cold reading and guessing is that you never go wrong with it. If you’re spot on, she’ll likely to think that you’re quite perceptive and have a positive reaction towards you.
Just last week I got most of my cold reads right by chance by guessing a girl was half Japanese and was studying at the University of London. She reacted positively and was curious how did I know so much. I followed up by teasing that I stalk her daily on Facebook and Instagram.
With cold reading, you can keep conversational threads flowing and then relate this threads back to your own life with your own experiences and statements.
Even if you get it wrong, he or she will correct you, and perhaps add onto it. I’ve personally used this conversational tool thousands of times to spark new conversations or in the middle of dying conversations threads. It works brilliantly.
How to Keep a Conversation Going and Nener Run out of Words
One of the most commonly asked questions in dating advice for men is how to keep a conversation going with a girl? How to never run out of words?
In social interactions, the male is going to have to take the lead, to start, to continue and to lead in the conversation. Understanding how to create conversational topics out of midair is going to help a lot in converting your leads from cold approaches, social circles and girls that you just got to know girls that are interested in your sexually.
How to Never Run out of Words
The secret to creating endless conversational topics is to take note of jump off points. Think of them as intersections that you can use to direct the flow of a conversation.
Conversations only end one person says something to another person and he or she is left with no jump off points. This is the usual One Word answers: Yes or No.
One thing that helps this is to pay attention to the underlying themes in a conversation. For example:
“I never liked that restaurant. I went there for my birthday last year, and I don’t remember anything past midnight. I woke up on my friend’s kitchen floor.”
- You can talk about your favourite restaurants
- You can talk about birthdays
- You can talk about the one time you got drunk and woke up somewhere weird
These are themes in a conversation that you can take advantage off. I find it easier to pay attention to themes rather than words itself. There are conversational resources out there that tell you to pay attention to phrases and words. However, just paying attention to phrases and words can come off as unnatural. You’re better off attention to theses and relating to her in such a way.
I find that by just paying attention to phrases and words, it may result in an unnatural conversation. It’ll seem as if you’re trying to keep this conversation going and you’re afraid of silences. You’re better off paying attention to themes.
How to Have a Dynamic and Interesting Conversation
Ever know someone who went on, and on and on… and you can’t help but quietly look away whilst he goes on and on to kind of signal that he’s being too long winded? He probably sucked at structuring his conversations.
Or maybe you know someone who awkwardly tries to fit in a joke in his conversations. He also probably tries to laugh at his own jokes.
Well, learning how to spark conversations is an important skill. However, learning how to continue them in a dynamic manner is also equally important. Human beings, by nature, are enrapt by stories.
People in power, businessmen, priests (erhem), comedians, and politicians all use the art of storytelling to explain, persuade and influence others to their way of thinking.
In the pick up artist community, memorized stories and routines are popular. Outlandish stories are also often used to get a girl’s attention.
Whilst this might work in the short run, there’s going to come a point of time where you’re going to run out of words. Hence, I advocate understanding the principles of what makes a dynamic conversation, and apply them using your own life stories and experiences.
Learning how to tell a story in a structured, and interesting manner will make you a good communicator. Here’s a three-step process that anyone can use.
The Simple 3 Step Process on How to Story Tell: The Set Up
The set up gives context to the conflict of the story. It’s the general setting, such as the location and brief details of the story. The set up should be as short as possible. But it’s necessary to give the initial context and foundation for the follow-up of the complete story.
If you don’t set up your stories, you’ll come off to others as random in your conversations.
One simple one lined example of the “set up” would be this:
“I was attending my school orientation the other day. Whilst watching the orientation games, there was this girl that tripped and fell. I was an asshole about it and laughed a little.”
“I was thinking of going into the Singapore dating coachindustry when I was 20-21”
It’s descriptive and gives background to the story.
- The Conflict
The conflict is the part where you introduce the majority of the story. This should be the part that causes tension and expectancy. The content of the story needs to be captivating and hook others into wanting to know what will happen next. If there isn’t much conflict in the content of your stories, you will get the feeling that you ramble on a lot and others are not paying attention to you.
To continue to story from the set up:
“One of the most attractive girls in the whole of the camp took me by surprise and gave me a smack on my arm. I actually froze up! I froze up and walked away like an idiot! I should have just said something out of my mouth or smacked her back. But I didn’t. I retardedly froze up and walked away.”
“However, I never really felt right, that’s because I didn’t want myself worth to be judged on how many girls date, or anything like that. I also felt I wasn’t experienced enough to coach guys that might be twice my age.”
- The Resolution/ Punchline
The resolution and the punchline are where you insert ‘the moral of the story’, the ‘punchline’ and the ‘joke’ to end off the story, or just closure for a generic story. People who don’t conclude their stories properly will often get blank stares when they’re finished speaking, or people will ask them “Yeah, and…?”
To end off the story with a punchline:
“Lesson learned! Never ever stand beside an attractive woman during orientation games.” (Joke)
“Nonetheless, I’ve decided to give it a shot, as long as I do my research, and stick to my values, and business values, I’m sure it’ll turn out alright.”
These are all true stories by the way.
Learning how to structure your conversations is helpful in sales presentations, networking events, casual conversations and other forms of social interactions. It can make or break an interaction with a stranger who’s an attractive girl that’s expecting you to lead in the conversation.
This is a conversational habit has helped me over the years with strangers, sales and persuading others in business and especially so in my dating life. Connecting with others in a meaningful and dynamic way is part of having emotional depth and intelligence.
How to Build an Emotional Connection
When you combine the art of story telling with cold reading, humor, teasing, and appreciation. It can be powerful.
This is actually much easier than it sounds. You probably already do it with your colleagues or friends. Now, you just got to do it consistently with girls you’re attracted to.
When I was 17, and I was the biggest countercultural 17-year-old among my peers. I listened to John Lennon, thought that all you need is love, experimented a lot, and just felt that life was all too short to be worried about you know the practical stuff.
I was at the playground near my house, and I was with my ex girlfriend who I was dating at that point of time, and we sat and chatted for hours.
I went off about how this world is a screwed up place, and gave a mini lecture on if the universe existed or not. I told her how amazing was it have our consciousness as a tiny speck of the universe. I went on about how little we seem to know as compared to all of life. I went off and ranted passionately for a good hour.
She listened. She listened well.
I then caught myself rambling and stared into her eyes.
I said: “Were you even listening, did you understand what I just said?”
She said: “No, I don’t, but I love how you say it.”
It got me a little frustrated because I wanted her to get the intellectual nerdy talk behind the coming of consciousness and you know, all of that hippie stuff. She didn’t. However, years later, looking back, she probably liked how I expressed it. It was storytelling at it’s finest.
That was because those stories demonstrated my passion, my vulnerability.
Fast forward years later, and I found myself dating this other girl at this bar near my home. That point of time, I had hired a dating coach, hung out with other pick up artists, read quite a bit on ‘Game’ and all of that self-improvement stuff.
I was also into competitive martial arts and was preparing for a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournament. I trained 3 times a week and was quite obsessed over the sport. I was also quite good at it.
So off I went again, I went off on about how Jiu Jitsu is similar to the game of human chess. I told her Brazilian Jiu Jitsu was akin to facing death. I explained to her that by being submitted in a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu match, it is the equivalent of dying. You’re either choked out, or risk suffering a major limb broken, which will lead you to a huge disability continuing the fight.
I went on about how Brazilian Jiu Jitsu teaches everyone to be humble, as reality always pans out differently from out minds. I shared that my Brazilian Jiu Jitsu coach actually looks like a computer nerd, and he’s easily the top 20 most dangerous guys in Singapore. If he actually took his martial arts skills to the streets, he could easily out man handle the majority of the population.
I went on, and on. Guess what? She loved it. She just stared at me like my ex girlfriend did, lost at how I went on and on passionately about something I cared about.
Completely different girls, and completely different stories. Nonetheless, the same principles. Like I mentioned, fhe facts often get shifted around, however the feelings are always same.
Should You Memorize Lines?
If you haven’t noticed by now. I prefer coming from a standpoint of habits and principles, instead of one off tactics or lines. I never felt right memorizing lines or ‘openers’. It has also never worked well for me. Furthermore, you don’t want to be some robotic guy repeating what somebody wrote on the internet. You want to understand the principles of conversations, and use your own unique life stories and motivations. This will serve you much better in the long run.
There might be resources out there that pledge some opener or line that’ll work so well and has been ‘field tested’ countless times. It’s all a marketing gimmick. Human interaction has many variables that are out of your control, and cannot be completely boxed and quantified like a formula.
Just so you know, I’ve sparked conversations with girls in a clubs all over the world with this simple line: “Hi I’m Marcus, I just wanted to say Hi, you look like…”.
I haven’t had a drink splashed on me yet.