I remembered pouring through heaps of books, theories on how to text a girl, analysed text messages and even went as far as to get my friend to text a girl for me. Understanding how to text a girl was one the biggest problems I had when I first started out.
For the most part of life, I don’ts texting as a means of communication. I often lament that I am much more confident in person than behind a mobile screen and tend to say something obnoxious over text. I also don’t enjoy texting as it’s time-consuming.
Texting is a medium where miscommunication can happen. When you’re facing the screen, you can’t read expressions. You can’t figure out what she’s feeling, whether she’s shy, interested or bored. Or if my joke has come off the wrong way. This doesn’t help for someone who enjoys dark, sarcastic humour that can come off the wrong way.
However, Singapore dating culture is such that everyone here texts a lot, and it’s part and parcel of everyone’s social life. I accepted the fact that texting is a staple in modern life and that everybody does it. Texting and setting up dates and plans over the text has been the cultural dating norm, and you’ll just have to adjust to it.
How to Get Her Number
Getting her number shouldn’t be a big deal and should only be done if you built a genuine connection. This is part of having standards.
The way to get her number is simply to ask with a qualifier:
‘You seem like a nice person to talk to, let’s grab coffee sometime next week.’
I try to set up specific plans during the first interaction. This helps her to differentiate you from a stranger to a friend.
The Goal of Getting Her Number:
- Re-initiate mutual contact
- Show that you’re not a creep whilst texting her
- Go for the meetup
Basically, don’t become a text buddy and don’t text her blindly.
I’m setting a general rule of thumb here: your texts should where the social interaction was left off.
If you’re rushing to work, approached her and only had a two minutes interaction, then you’re expected to text a little bit more before asking her out for coffee. If you’ve already built a great connection with her during the first time you met her, then it’s not expected for you to text a lot.
Questions to ask yourself: Is she attracted to you already? How well do you know each other? Which part of the interaction are you at? What are the underlying assumptions in your interaction?
Sometimes, asking a girl out for coffee in front of her friends works well in Western cultures, whereas, in Singapore, it’s going to put a lot of social pressure on the girl. You could simply say: You seem really fun to hang out with and let’s grab coffee some day and just pop out your phone and get her contact.
The Inner Game of Texting: How to be Non-Needy
In psychology, the assortment theory argues that you are always self-selecting your behaviours in your interactions. If you choose to be honest and authentic, the people around you will respond with similar behaviours. If you choose to be cold and manipulative, the people around you will also respond to you in a similar manner. This surprisingly plays out in your text interactions.
If you’re constantly worried about her not texting you back. You should ask yourself this: what would a truly attractive man have done?
He wouldn’t feel the need to be texting all the time. He’ll only text back when he has the time to. He’s living life on his own values. He is living life based on his own values, not on how the other person responds to him. He doesn’t worry so much about what the other person is going to think, or reply, or respond.
So, what are your values?
I value security, commitment, trust, reliability and availability in a relationship. So if someone doesn’t text me back promptly, then that’s just an incompatibility of values. I just drop them and move on.
One of the cornerstones of attracting women is to invest in yourself. Investing in yourself means valuing your time, pursuing your passions and filling your days with stuff that you care about and not worrying if some random stranger is going to text you back.
It’s said that a character of a person defined when no one is looking. Your emotions and reactions towards texting should be similar to that in your social interactions. If you lead an interesting lifestyle, you won’t be too hung up on her replies. If she replies slow, or fast, your emotions should not be dictated by that.
How to Text a Girl: Get a To and Fro Interaction Going
Whilst it’s important not make her your text buddy, there needs to a minimal exchange of texts before asking her out. You should try to get a light-hearted to and fro text conversation going. I usually ask a girl out within the first 10 texts after I get some sort of a to and fro interaction going. If she’s not willing to go out with me there and then, she’s probably not interested either way.
How to Start a Conversation with a Girl Texting?
You can differentiate yourself from all other guys through your first text by referring to something funny you had during your interaction with her when you first met. It’s commonly known as the callback humour.
“Hey, you look totally adorably cute like a walking banana in that strange yellow dress. Hope you get home soon. – Marcus”
You need to be careful here. Some of the pick up artist material can be quite ‘Westernized’ and you can come off as try hard and uncalibrated in a Singaporean/Asian setting.
How to Flirt on Text
In your text messages, you need to keep it playful, light-hearted in the beginning and see how things flow from there.
- Trying to Make Plans too Early On
- Avoid Logical Questions
- Avoid overly Emotional Texts
One important mindset when it comes to texting is that time is your ally. One mistake I often make is to go the meet up too early. This might work in Westernized cultures. However, Singaporean girls love to text and I it’s one of the values and trait they look out for.
You should make statements and then asking her questions early on and avoid interview mode. You should share your own life stories and her to express hers. Girls enjoy flirting on the phone as much as in real life. You can flirt with her through push-pull techniques on text, just like in real life.
To Text Her or Not to Text Her… and How many Hours/ Days?
Is there a right way to text? Some jokes and some teases just sound awful on text. What about the length of the text? The time of the text? The number of fucking blue ticks?
I’ve had tons of interactions that seemed to go well in real life but didn’t turn out into anything. It is something that is out of your control. Ever get those ‘indicators of interest’ when you met her at the club and she ignores you on the phone? You start worrying and start thinking to yourself if she’s playing mind games. You then start playing mind games on your end, and she doesn’t reply once again… and you think she’s still playing mind games.
There’s no need the play mind games on text. Just text her the way you enjoy texting, remember, you’re pursuing girls from your own values. If you’re a self-invested man leading an attractive lifestyle, you’re not going to bother too much about deciphering texts from girls.
Just Ask Her Out (Really) – Do The Heavy Lifting in a Real Life
I’m much stronger in a face to face interactions. However, being poor on the phone is something that has hurt my results in the past. However, for some modern-day reason, girls need to know that you’re a cool guy over text. This basically means if you’re able to get a to and fro text conversation going on. It’ll suffice.
As a rule of thumb, keep your text conversations simple and short. You should just ask her out. There are more important things in life than staring at your phone. I prefer to do the heavy lifting in person.
It’s noted that some girls do react positively to cutesy lines you come up with over text. It’s just something I don’t bother putting too much effort into. It’s also doesn’t work out well for me if I played around with it more than it’s needed.
There’s a rarity that a girl’s schedule is so packed that she can’t squeeze a date in. If she mentions her packed schedule, then I’m sorry, she just doesn’t like you enough to put you a priority in her life.
Then there’s the question: if she agrees, do you still continue texting her over the phone, to keep yourself in the loop. Of course, you do, however, you don’t need to text as much since plans are set up. I also find that dates that actually go through are dates set up no longer than a week after she agrees.
Texting is a Two Way Dance
Texting a girl is a two-way dance. If you’re always pushing from one side and she returns just plain, boring and dry responses, that’s not called flirting. If a girl likes you, she’ll want to keep the text conversation going. There should be some sort of reciprocation from the girl.
I’m not a huge fan of building connection or intimacy over the phone. However, I find my results negatively affected when I don’t bother to put any effort to text. I recommend all my clients as a dating coach to minimally get the basics handled.