How to Text a Girl - The Definitive Guide

How to Text a Girl – The Definitive Guide

By Marcus Neo | Dating and Relationships

Aug 08

I remembered pouring through heaps of books, theories on how to text a girl, analysed text messages and even went as far as to get my friend to text a girl for me. Understanding how to text a girl was one of the biggest problems I had when I first started out.

I don’t enjoy texting as a means of communication. I often lament that I am much more confident in person than behind a mobile screen and tend to say something obnoxious over text. I also don’t enjoy texting as it’s time-consuming.

When you’re facing the screen, you can’t read expressions. You can’t figure out what she’s feeling, whether she’s shy, interested or bored. Or if my joke has come off the wrong way. This doesn’t help for someone who enjoys dark, sarcastic humour that can come off the wrong way.

However, in certain cultures such as the Singapore dating culture, texting is part and parcel of everyone’s social life. Through the years I accepted the fact that texting is a staple in modern dating life and that everybody does it.

How to Get Her Number/ Ask Her Out: The Art of the Soft Close

Getting her number shouldn’t be a big deal and should ONLY be done after you built a genuine connection. This is part of having standards, and being more optimal. I try to set up specific plans during the first interaction. This helps her to differentiate you from a stranger to a friend. The goal of getting a girl’s number is to re-initiate mutual contact, demonstrate that you’re not a creep whilst texting her and go for the meetup.

You need to also pay attention to the context you’re in when going for her number. Sometimes, asking a girl out for coffee in front of her friends works well in Western cultures, whereas, in Singapore, it’s going to put a lot of social pressure on the girl.

I recommend going for the soft close when asking for her number and asking her out through text.

‘Hey, are you adventurous’.
‘How do you feel about drinks or coffee with a cute a Singapore boy?’
‘What’s your schedule like?’
‘You seem like a nice/interesting person to talk to (insert your qualifier), let’s grab coffee sometime next week.’

The Psychology of Texting

If you’re constantly worried about her not texting, you back. You should ask yourself this: what would an attractive man have done?

He wouldn’t feel the need to be texting all the time. He’ll only text back when he has the time to. He’s living life on his own values. He is living life based on his own values, not on how the other person responds to him. He doesn’t worry so much about what the other person is going to think, or reply, or respond.

One of the core tenets of attracting women is to be self-invested. Being self-invested means valuing your time, having a life, working and filling your days with stuff that you care about and being too hung up if some cute lass isn’t texting you back.

It’s said that a character of a person defined when no one is looking. You shouldn’t be too hung up if a girl isn’t texting you back. If you have shit to do, you won’t be too hung up on her replies.

How to Start a Conversation and Flirt with Her on Text

Here’s a general rule of thumb: your texts should where the social interaction was left off.

If you’re rushing to work, approached her and only had a two minutes’ interaction, then you’re expected to text a little bit more before asking her out for coffee. If you’ve already built a great connection with her during the first time you met her, then it’s not expected for you to text a lot.

Questions to ask yourself: Is she attracted to you already? How well do you know each other? Which part of the interaction are you at? What are the underlying assumptions in your interaction?

  • Call Back Humour

You can stand out through your first text by referring to something funny you had during your initial interaction with her when you first met. It commonly referred to as the call back humour.

“Rachel the Chinese teacher! Don’t stay out too late, you have more Sun Tze philosophies to brainwash unwilling teenagers.’

  • How to Flirt and Tease

Check out my guide on flirting, you should be able to get creative with roleplays, push-pull and misinterpretations.

  • General Rule of Thumb 

In your text messages, you need to keep it playful, light-hearted in the beginning and see how things flow from there. You should not try to make plans too early on, avoid going into interview mode, such as asking logical questions. Only go for the meetups using the soft close if there’s she’s flirting with you to and fro on the phone.

One important philosophy when it comes to texting is to keep in mind that time is your ally. One mistake I often make is to go to the meet up too early. This might work in Westernized cultures. However, in some cultures, especially Asian ones, girls love to text and going for it is merely going to get you rejected.

You also need to calibrate in accordance to context, a lot of the material you find online can be quite ‘Westernized’ and you can come un-calibrated in an Asian setting.

To Text Her or Not to Text Her and How many Hours/ Days?

Is there a right way to text? What about the length of the text? The time of the text? How about the fucking number of blue ticks?

I’ve had tons of interactions that seemed to go well in real life but didn’t turn out into anything. It is something that is out of your control. Ever made out with a girl in the club and she ignores the exact next day? You start worrying and start thinking to yourself if she’s playing mind games. You then start playing mind games on your end… and she doesn’t reply once again… and you think she’s still playing mind games.

There’s no need the play mind games through text. I’m not a huge fan of waiting X number of hours/days to text You’re pursuing girls from your own values.

Texting a girl is a two-way dance. If you’re always pushing from one side and she’s replying plain, boring and dry responses, she’s just not interested. There should be some sort of reciprocation or qualification from the girl.

Closing Thoughts: Do The Heavy Lifting in a Real Life

In general, you should just ask her out as soon as possible. I usually ask a girl out after I get some sort of a to and fro interaction going. If she’s not willing to go out with me there and then, she’s probably not interested.  I much prefer to do the heavy lifting in person. You should be much stronger in a face to face interactions. However, being poor on the phone is something is going to hurt your results. For some reason, girls need to know that you’re a cool guy over text.

It’s noted that some demographic of girls do react positively to cutesy lines you come up with over text. It’s just something I don’t bother putting too much effort into. It usually also doesn’t work out well for me if I get too creative with it.

Then there’s the last question: if she agrees, do you still continue texting her over the phone, to keep yourself in the loop. Of course, you do, however, you don’t need to text as much since plans are set up. I also find that dates that actually go through are dates set up no longer than a week after she agrees.

I’m not a huge fan of building a connection over the phone. There are more important things in life than being her text buddy. There’s a rarity that a girl’s schedule is so packed that she can’t squeeze a date in. If she mentions a packed schedule, then I’m sorry, she just doesn’t like you enough to put you a priority in her life.

 

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About the Author

Marcus Neo is an entrepreneur, dating and relationship. He enjoys business, psychology and is a fan of whiskey and cats, although not at the same time.

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