Your ability to touch a girl and be sexually assertive with her is one of the most important core principles of getting good with women. On some fundamental level, you may believe that women do not want to be aggressively hit on, that women do not like being aggressively touched. This is why 98% of men hover desperately around women in clubs on the dance floor not daring to say a word or make a move.
How to Touch a Girl: Your Invisible Scripts
Sex is often seen as a taboo subject in Asian culture. Whilst there are merits to Asian culture, sexual shame is one of the biggest problems that Asian cultures face, with people choosing to stay single and unmarried. This is can be observed in falling birth rates in Asian cultures such as Japan.
Coming from an Asian culture, I know that this is one of the toughest things. You need to recognize there is a time and place for everything. If your need to be liked is sabotaging your results with women, then you know there’s a need for change.
It’s also argued that the majority of teachers in our education system are men up till the 19thcentury. However, due to the industrial revolution, men went to work in factories and child rearing was left to mothers. Hence, you get a generation of guys with no male role model in an education system run by women.
The result: you get a generation of men putting the pussy on the pedestal, embroiled with mommy issues.
I know of this one acquaintance of mine that gets laid regularly. He approaches girls physically right from the start. He grabs them right from the get go and doesn’t ask for any permission. I’m standing there thinking: he’s going to fucking embarrassing himself. Low behold, he eventually actually gets a couple of girls giggling and ends up kissing them.
Getting good at women IS by nature polarizing and controversial. Some girls are going to think you’re a creep and the right ones will appreciate you taking the lead. Your need to be accepted or liked by everyone else is going to sabotage your results. You’re going to be pushed around in subtle ways and not so subtle manners.
- Sexual Shame
When I started off this journey relying on pick up artist techniques, my style of ‘game’ leaned towards talking a lot. However, these days, I find myself leaning towards being more sexually forthright and dominant. This is especially so because I’m Asian, and stereotypically: Asians are introverted and aren’t really sexually confident.
The reason why you hesitate when it comes to touching a girl is sexual shame. Sexual shame occurs when any of us feel inherently wrong, immoral, unworthy of our own sexuality. Sexual shame holds us from asserting our sexual desires.
It can come from traumatic past experiences. It could be being emotionally or physically abused when you’re young. It could be coming from an overly strictly family upbringing or culture. Conquering shame requires quite a bit of introspection. If you’re suffering from huge amounts of shame or anxiety sexually, then I suggest psychotherapy.
Re-Orient Your Beliefs on Touching Women
The first step to being more sexually dominant with women is to re-orient our beliefs towards our own sexualities and the female sexuality. You can reorient our beliefs by first being aware of them and secondly challenging our beliefs.
Some of the common beliefs that you and many others face:
- It’s wrong to touch a girl
- It’s bad to touch a girl
- If you touch a girl you’re disrespecting her
- If you’re physically aggressive with a girl you’re ‘bad’
You need to put yourself first. There is virtue in selfishness. You don’t have to be responsible for other people’s actions and emotions. Those are not your problems. That is a problem that nice guys face, trying to please everyone and end up not asserting themselves.
If you’re in the nightclub and you may be afraid that your friend is left alone if you approach a girl. You have a boundary issue. If you’re afraid of what her friends might think about you if you are sexually forthright. You have a boundary issue.
You’re essentially taking responsibility for other people’s actions and emotions.
Ultimately, recognize that you’re going to have to assert yourself in social situations and you’re going to piss some people off. Their reactions are out of your control.
High status men go for what they want without apology and are willing to ruffle a few feathers along the way. You can’t be sexually assertive and polarizing without being disliked by some, or even many. In my how to attract women article, it’s even researched that women prefer that you are physically aggressive with them.
Caveat: They also want you to be able to recognize when she’s uncomfortable and make take a step back when needed.
How to Touch a Girl: Being Comfortable about Sexuality
When was the last time you saw a beautiful lady walk down the street and you wished you could to pin her against the wall and do her right there and then? I bet you don’t even notice these emotions and thoughts when you are about your daily life.
One of the reasons is because you’re disconnected from our physical and primal selves. You spend our whole day in front of computers, leading 9-5 jobs, numbing ourselves us to the social and the physical world around us.
Two of the best ways to get in touch with your primal nature is to:
- Stop watching porn
The no fap movements is popularized in self help movements all over the world. You can check out my guide on how to stop watching pornography.
- Start exercising
When I was a teenager, I constantly practised martial arts. I noticed a huge drop in testosterone ever since stopping due to an injury. Hitting the gym is going to help with testosterone levels.
The Indirect Escalation – The Push Pull Dynamic
Touching a girl and flirting with a girl with words has to be combined with touching a girl. This is commonly known as the push-pull dynamic.
“We’re getting divorced. You keep the kids, I get the house and the dog.”
This is a push. This can be followed up with a slight push on her shoulder.
“I’m kidding, you’re awesome, I love you.”
This is a pull, this can be followed up with pulling her in for a hug by the shoulder, neck or waist, depending on where you are at in the interaction.
Repeating the push-pull dynamic and rinsing them will generate tens of tiny situations where both you and she will be emotionally charged. Helping you put yourself in a position to take the next step physically.
Direct Escalation: The Sexually Confident Man
Starting out, I wasn’t really physically assertive. My style of attracting women was more laid back, empathetic. The type of style that encouraged her to initiate rather than me being proactive being physically assertive.
My laidback attitude rendered ineffective after a while. The more masculine or attractive you become, the more you’re expected to initiate. She’s going expecting you to move things forwar and want to fall into her feminine essence.
Sometimes, coming up with witty push pull-lines to tease a girl actually gets repetitive. Hence, going direct can be polarizing, but effective.
The direction escalation can be taking your hand and holding her hands, shoulders and hips outrightly. It be holding her hands on a date, kissing her whilst holding her or grinding up on her on the dance floor.
There was once I attempted to kiss a girl and she cocked her head backwards in disgust and asked me what was I up to. I plainly told her that I was trying to kiss a girl I desired. Yes, my behaviors were a little uncalibrated, but it displayed boldness. Even though I was rejected, I asserted myself unapologetically and she was actually turned on by that.
- How Not To Do It
It boils down to intentions. If a behaviour is expressed unconditionally in the moment, it’s a good behaviour.
If you’re on a date and things are already going well, you can express: ‘you’re beautiful’ in an authentic manner. Step in and lean in to kiss her.
However, in general, it’s NOT socially intelligent to verbalize when or how you’re going to touch a girl at every step of the the interaction. Saying out loud: “I’m going to hold your hands now” and then holding it is pretty awkward. It doesn’t display boldness either because of that fact that you need to ‘verbalize’ and somewhat ‘ask for permission’ to do it.
How to Touch a Girl Gradually and Comfortably
There are general levels of comfort to work your way up from when learning how to touch a girl. You’re not going to go up to a girl and have sex with her right there and there. It starts with touching her socially, then romantically and then sexually.
- Stand Close to Her
Standing close to her and projecting a sexual vibe the first important steps in learning how to touch a girl. Plant your feet firmly into the ground. Stand close to her. Show her then you’re willing to take up space and you’re willing to intrude into her personal space. Show her that you’re a potential sexual partner and not some random stranger, furthermore, you won’t be able to touch her if you’re not standing near to her.
If she’s attracted and assuming you approach with the right intentions, you can be pretty confrontational in your body language. Squaring up to her is part of being masculine yet open. It demonstrates confidence and openness.
When you get better this, you can look deep into her eyes whilst conversing and inch your body closer, and then pull away, as if you’re teasing her by leaving the vacuum in between.
Starting off with the handshake is a great way to break physical contact. This can then be followed up with social touching such as lightly tapping her on her arms when you’re in a conversation. You can use these touches to punctuate your sentences and jokes. Punctuating touches, in general, makes you a much more charismatic and socially dominant individual.
- Light Neck Hugs, Shoulder, Elbows Touching
If she’s receptive to your advances, you can then escalate to shoulder hug her like a good friend to see if she’s comfortable with your touch. If she is, you can leave your arm there or bring her arm up to your shoulder while chatting with her.
It’s quite an innocent move with both your bodies facing away, yet, but your arms resting on each other shoulders like your good friends. It’s a good way to escalate physically in nightclubs.
- Hands Holding
Holding her hand can be initiated just by holding her hand straight out or taking her hand and leading her somewhere. This can be initiated when you’re moving locations in the nightclub or different locations on a date. Once a girl is comfortable with holding your hand, the rest is going to flow quite naturally.
- Holding Her by the Waist
This, of course, can’t be performed right off the bat when approaching girls in the day. On a date, choosing the right spot knowing where to sit will facilitate physical intimacy. Sidling up to her and holding her waist whilst sitting or walking is going to help physical intimacy.
Pulling her in with a light neck hug and talking in her ear in a nightclub situation can help in increasing physical intimacy. This can be followed up with a slightly holding her by her waist.
You’ll be surprised at how much girls are receptive to this, especially in a nightclub situation. There’s an element of chance and novelty in standing close to her, holding her by her neck lightly and touching slightly at her waist or arms.
- Front Hugging
This can be observed in clubs when you’re facing frontal towards her.
- Kissing, Make Out: Sexual Touching
This is followed up with light kissing, heavily making out and then sexual touching.
Some of these techniques are going to be more applicable than another in different situations. Some girls are going to be comfortable kissing you in front of her friends, and some are not. You need to be socially empathetic whilst touching a girl, most girls do not want to look easy, you need to see what she’s comfortable with and what she’s not comfortable with.
How to Touch a Girl – Sexual Assertiveness and Boldness
For some reason, shame, culture, or whatever is that, hold all of us back when it comes to touching a girl. Not to mention that the hotter she is, the more all of us don’t feel worthy and avoid it.
It’s easy to intellectualize how to touch a girl and ‘execute the technique’ when you’re out with a girl. However, it’s hard to come from an emotionally assertive standpoint. Feeling it in your gut, the fear and then doing it is difficult. The more the shame, the harder it is going to be.
There may underlying emotional knots that hinders you back from escalating physically with a girl. This can stem from a fear of rejection. This can stem from negative beliefs that it’s inherently bad or wrong for you to touch a girl.
However, there’s no other way. Overcoming these anxieties through your real life interactions are the only way you’re going to get better at pursuing girls. Unfortunately, learning how to touch a girl can’t be overcome by hiring therapist.
It’s On You to Lead the Interaction
From my observations in my own life and as a dating coach, one of the key problems that the majority of men out there face is being physical with the girl. They are all waiting for the green lights. Here’s the truth about green lights: There are no green lights.
Understanding how to touch a girl unapologetically and your ability to be sexually assertive is going to make a difference if you end up with many female friends or girlfriends. You are going to 1) save you a lot of time and 2) increase your results.
She can intuitively feel if you’re not truly confident, it’s going to come off in that slight hesitation. The truth is always shining through, it’s going bleed through your intentions.
She’ll also never touch you first. In my six years of pursuing girls, it has rarely happened.
You have to be the one that puts your arm around her shoulders. You have to be the one that puts that arm around her waist. You have to be the one that takes her hand and pull her to the dance floor. You have to be the one that turns her around to face you on the dance floor. You have to be the one that has to go in for the kiss.