Your ability to touch a girl and be physically assertive is going to make up 80% of your success with women. From personal experience, the majority of guys have problems with being comfortable with their sexuality, displaying sexual interest. This is why 98% of men hover desperately around women in clubs on the dance floor not daring to make a move. I’m going to spend some time talking about sexual shame before getting into any technical strategies.
Sexual shame occurs when any of us feel inherently wrong, immoral, unworthy of our own sexuality. Sexual shame holds us from asserting our sexual desires. It can come from traumatic past experiences. It could be coming from an overly strictly family upbringing or culture. It could be being emotionally or physically abused when you’re young. Conquering shame requires quite a bit of introspection.
I’m Asian, stereotypically, Asians are perceived as introverted and aren’t seen as sexually confident. Sex is also often seen as a taboo subject in Asian culture. Sexual shame is one of the biggest problems that Asian cultures face, for example, Japanese people choosing to stay single and unmarried.
On some fundamental level, you may believe that women do not want to be hit on, that women do not like being touched. You may belief that it’s wrong to touch a girl or if you’re physically assertive with a girl you’re ‘bad’. The first step to being more sexually comfortable with women is to re-orient our beliefs towards our own sexualities. You do this by first being aware of them and secondly challenging those beliefs.
I know of this one acquaintance of mine that gets laid regularly. He approaches girls aggressively right from the get go. He grabs them right from the get go and doesn’t ask for any permission. I’m standing there thinking: he’s going to fucking embarrass himself. Low behold, he eventually actually gets a couple of girls giggling and ends up kissing them.
When was the last time you saw a beautiful lady walk down the street and you wished you could to pin her against the wall and ravish her right there and then? Now, this is a truth, this entire attracting women thing is by nature polarising and controversial. Some are going to think you’re a creep and the right ones will appreciate you for taking the lead. If you need to be accepted or liked by everyone else, you’re going to be pushed around in subtle ways and not so subtle manners.
If you’re in the nightclub and you are afraid of what her friends might think about you if you are sexually forthright. You have a boundary issue. You’re essentially taking responsibility for other people’s actions and emotions. You don’t have to be responsible for other people’s actions and emotions. Those are not your problems. That is a problem that nice guys face, trying to please everyone and end up not asserting themselves.
Ultimately, you’re going to have to assert yourself and you’re get rejected at. Their reactions are out of your control. Confident men go for what they want without apology and are willing to ruffle a few feathers along the way. You can’t be sexually attractive without being disliked by some.
Psychologist Robert Glover make the argument in how an absent parent can be the making of a ‘Mr Nice Guy’, who constantly fails to assert his needs in his life. I also observed that people with difficulty in this area of their life (including myself) often have a history of a troubled childhood.
This could be overly strict parents, a religious upbringing, abusive, absent parents or past trauma.
It’s researched that people growing up without a father figure suffer from a diminished self concept, behavioural problems, truancy and poor academic performance and a host of other issues. Psychologists also argued that the father figure is important to a boy’s development of identity.
They may feel a sense of abandonment, betrayal, not being able to fit in and feeling different. Without paternal approval, boys may experience emotional pain that leads to attempts to prove themselves. This includes intense competition with other men, engaging in risky behaviors, criminal ‘tough guy’ behavior, intending to scare the world into seeing them as men. This confidence is a bravado that’s derived from overcompensation.
There’s the second argument, during the pre-industrial period, fathers bring their kids to work day. Father and son worked side by side from sunrise to sunset. This was seen as normal. Fathers taught by example, apprenticing their sons into trades, simultaneously imparting lessons on hard work and virtue.
However, during the industrial revolution, fathers abandoned the workshop for a place at the assembly line. There is a clear line drawn between home and the workplace. Fathers left for work in the morning and didn’t come home for 10-12 hours. Child rearing is left in the women’s hands. Hence, you get a generation of men who spent all their time with Mum, growing up with Mummy issues.
It’s only by confronting these issues head and getting comfortable with your sexuality, that you develop a matured form of confidence, instead of being an overcompensating prick. You may not think you’re one of ‘these people’. However, if you constantly find yourself feeling deliberated in your interactions, getting involved in toxic relationships, choosing bad partners, then there may be something there, you’re just not aware of it.
When I started being a lot more introspective about failures and decisions in my life, I found myself pissed off and hurt at many past events and got really angry at a lot of people around me. When you’re confronting these emotional realities, developing weird beliefs or finding yourself in angry phases going to be part of the process. That’s normal, inevitable and a necessary part of your growth.
The process consists of being introspective about past events that might have lead to current issues. The idea is to get in touch, process and grief through the emotions you avoided or suppressed through the years.
For example, if you feel numb or detached in intimate situations, why is that so? Is there a fear of vulnerability? Is it a fear of abandonment? If you fail to assert yourself time and time again with women, why is that so? Is there a feeling of not being good enough? If you’re too afraid of speaking your mind or going for what you want in life, why is that so? Is there a fear of failure and rejection?
In many ways, this single ability submarined my business, dating life and along with many areas of my life. I was afraid of confrontation and going for what I want.
Writing letters and emails can be helpful for expressing/ reflecting on your genuine thoughts and feelings. For years, I used writing as tool, I wrote journals, I wrote letters to the people explaining misgivings I had against them. It all helped.
One way to you can feel more masculine is by taking part in group activities and learning to work with other men in groups. Developing male relationships helps undo your monogamous bond with Mum. There’s research that suggests that there are benefits to doing things together such as having a beer at the local bar once a week. Group activities build bonding and a sense of camaraderie.
You can also take this opportunity to examine your relationship with your own father and seek out healthy male role models.
Male friendships have the potential for depth and intimacy because there is no sexual agenda. With men, there’s no pressure to be someone else other than who you are. There’s no need to please, placate or lie that a lot of men tend to believe they have to around women.
I used to stick to individual activities such as martial arts or hitting the gym. However, I realized that group activities can better my relationships. One of my proudest moment in recent years was accomplishing a common goal working on a marketing project side by side with a friend.
You can seek out mentors that help you achieve your goals. I always attempt to surround myself with men who have traits that I look up: accountability, integrity and the ability to challenge themselves. David Deida, a popular writer on masculinity argued that masculinity is like a boat in an ocean, spearheading it with a direction and forging a path. Traditional masculine traits often entail accountability, confidence, decisiveness and a go-getter’s mentality.
I also recommend you to form relationships with men who not only have traditional masculine traits but the ability to open up.
Forward thinking dating coaches have found out that the lack of confidence around women is partly rooted in sexual shame, that is often rooted in one’s past experiences, childhood. This is why pick up artists, often after years of going at it, find themselves often chasing a phantom and are often more or equally as miserable as before. They don’t solve the root problem: their own emotional issues.
There may underlying emotional knots that hinders you back in this area of your life. This can stem from a fear of rejection. This can stem from negative belief. The more the shame, the harder it is going to be. One the options you can use to facilitate this is psychotherapy.
Unfortunately, learning how to touch a girl can’t be overcome by solely hiring therapist. However, the only way is through. Overcoming your shame through real life interactions is the only way you’re going to get better in this.
There are general levels to to work your way up. You’re not going to approach a girl and have sex with her right there and there. There’s a progression to it.
Projecting a sexual vibe the first important tenets in learning how to touch a girl. Plant your feet firmly into the ground. Show her then you’re willing to take up space and you’re willing to intrude into her personal space. Show her that you’re a potential sexual partner and not some random stranger, furthermore, you won’t be able to touch her if you’re not standing near to her.
You can be pretty confrontational in your body language depending on how comfortable she is. Squaring up to her demonstrates confidence and openness. One way you can project this is to look deep into her eyes whilst conversing and inch your body closer and then pull away, as if you’re teasing her by leaving a vacuum in between.
Handshakes, shoulder and elbow touches are strategies you can use to break physical contact. You can use these touches to punctuate your sentences and jokes. For example, you can lightly tap her on her elbow after making a joke.
The indirect escalation is the art of using these minor social gestures in conjunction with the push pull dynamic.
If she’s comfortable with physical proximity, you can hug her by her shoulder her like a good friend does to see if she’s comfortable with further intimacy. It’s an innocent move with both your bodies facing away, yet, your arms is resting on her shoulder like your good friends. It’s a good way to escalate physically in nightclubs.
“We’re getting divorced. You keep the kids, I get the house and the dog.”
This is a push. This can be followed up with a slight push on her shoulder.
“I’m kidding, you’re awesome, I love you.”
This is a pull, you should be pulling her in for a hug by the shoulder, neck or waist, depending on where you are at in the interaction.
Repeating the push-pull dynamic and rinsing them will generate opportunities to hug her, kiss her or to move things forward.
You can calibrate and adjust accordingly to her level of interest interacting with you. Once her hands are on your shoulders or her shoulders on yours, you can leave it there for a bit see how comfortable she is with it. One of the golden rules of flirting physically is to assume that you’ve known her for years. You then take it off to avoid seemingly like a creep and keep the ambiguity of the interaction going.
The cons of escalating directly is that you are displaying too much interest. She already knows she has you. Secondly, you’re not getting any investment from her end, you’re not making her chase, you’re not making her wonder. You can kill sexual tension just by escalating too much.
Through touching her outrightly, you’re also displaying comfort with your own sexuality. If you like her, then express it directly, there’s no need for too much fanciful flirting. You are a sexual man and you can show it.
There was once I attempted to kiss a girl and she cocked her head backwards in disgust and asked me what was I up to. I plainly told her that I was trying to kiss a girl I desired. Yes, my behaviors were a little un-calibrated, but it displayed boldness. Even though I was rejected, I asserted myself unapologetically and she was actually turned on by that.
Starting out, I was weak in this area. My style of attracting women was more laid back, conversational based. This laidback attitude rendered ineffective after a while. The more polarizing you become, the more you’re expected to initiate. She’s going expecting you to move things forward and want to fall into her ‘femininity’. Take this whatever way you want, however, this is my personal experience.
Sometimes, coming up with witty push pull-strategies gets repetitive. Hence, going direct can effective. If you’re on a date and things are already going well, you can say: ‘you’re beautiful’ in an authentic manner. Step in and lean in to kiss her.
It boils down to intentions. If a behaviour is expressed unconditionally in the moment, it’s an attractive behaviour.
However, it’s NOT attractive to verbalize when or how you’re going to touch a girl at every step of the the interaction. Saying out loud: “I’m going to hold your hands now” and then holding it is pretty awkward. It doesn’t display confidence either because of that fact that you need to ‘verbalize’ and somewhat ‘seek permission’ to do it.
In my experience, if you get to the point where she is comfortable with you holding hands with her, the rest is going to flow quite naturally. Holding her hand can be initiated just by holding her hand straight out or taking her hand and leading her somewhere when you’re moving locations in the nightclub or different locations on a date.
Choosing the right spot and knowing where to sit will facilitate physical intimacy. You can sidle up to her and hold her by the waist whilst sitting. This is most done on a date or an isolated setting. You’ll be surprised at how much girls are receptive to this, especially in a nightclub situation. There’s an element of sexual tension when standing close to her, holding her by her neck lightly and touching slightly at her waist or arms.
You then progress on to light kissing, make outs and then touching her at erogenous zones. The rest is usually history.
Some of these stages are going to be more applicable than another in different situations. Some girls are going to be comfortable kissing you in front of her friends, and some are not. You need to be empathetic, most girls do not want to look easy, you need to see what she’s comfortable with and what she’s not comfortable with. It’s all about calibration.
From personal experience, the main problem majority of us face out there waiting for the green lights. Here’s the truth: There are no green lights.
Your ability to be sexually assertive is going to determine if you end up with many female friends or girlfriends. This skillset is also going save you a lot of time and increase your results.
Your inability to be physically dominant even if she has given you all the clear signs is going to bleed through your interactions. She’ll be able to intuitively feel if you’re not really what you make up yourself to be. It’s going to come off in that slight hesitation.
Lastly, she’ll never assume the responsibility of moving the interaction forward. In my six years of pursuing girls, it has rarely happened. You have to be the one that puts your arm around her shoulders. You have to be the one that puts that arm around her waist. You have to be the one that takes her hand and pull her to the dance floor. You have to be the one that turns her around to face you on the dance floor. You have to be the one that has to go in for th