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Mar 25

How To Get a Girl To Come Over – Make Sex a Win for Her

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Every modern dating problem starts off with the proposition that women are the gate keepers of sex and men are the gate keepers of commitment. Modern culture tends to equate love with sex, and sex with commitment and passion with unconditional love. Henceforth the burn question on millions of millions of men’s minds… how to get a girl to come over to yours?

Stop Apologising for Your Natural Attraction to The Feminine

If you’re like most men, you probably don’t feel worthy to be physically touchy with a girl on a date, and why is that so?

It’s not difficult to draw parallels between social stigma and sexual shame. In certain cultures, sex, emotions and relationships are hardly discussed around the dinner table when growing up. If you’re an Asian, these topics aren’t openly discussed or addressed. The majority of us aren’t primed to openly discuss issues such as emotions from a young age, and it’s no most men feel awkward communicating intimately to the opposite sex.

Being a male… it is on you to lead the interaction and not wait for the green lights. The majority of dating advice (arguably, pick up artist advice) is dependent on trying one’s best not to get rejected and adjusting our behaviours according to hers. The metric of success should not be non-rejection but if you ‘played to win’.

The more feminine she is, the more you are going to be required to lead physically. She’s not going to initiate for you. If you’re interested, just pull the trigger and ask her out: face the impending disappointment or rejection. If you’re going to be rejected, so be it… at least you failed through playing to win.

Yes, you can be sexually attracted without being emotionally connected to her. You’re taught that for sex to happen, you need to feel emotionally connected with or have to have meaningful conversations. No, that’s not true. You can desire a woman completely for her physique. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.

In reality, you are not going connect emotionally with every woman you are attracted to. However, you’re mostly going to want to have sex with most attractive women. Stop apologizing and hesitating on your desires.

There are many women who aren’t looking to connect with anybody at that point of her life. She may just want to date around. Note, she’s not going to say anything that makes her look like a slut because society makes it hard for women to express these notions socially. Hence, don’t decide for her whether she’s down to come back to your place. Stop projecting your insecurities.

Looking back, I had tons of times where I was out with a girl and didn’t notice that she’s actually interested in me. I thought we were simply ‘hanging out’. Needless to say, I missed out on a ton of opportunities.

How To Get a Girl To Come Over: Expected Return

Whilst traveling through Europe, I found myself in multiple situations where I could have gotten a girl to come back to mine if I settled for second best. However, I got greedy and only desired the most attractive girl on that particular night out. It didn’t matter if she wasn’t giving me positive signals. It didn’t matter if she said she had a boyfriend. I told myself: “I’m not settling for anything less.”

If there are many options in that particular night out… it is okay to be greedy. However, towards the end of the night, you want to be smart and focus on the interactions where there is an expected return. If a girl who isn’t the hottest in the venue that is interested in you and it is nearing the end of the night. You should go for her instead of gunning for the ones that aren’t showing an expected return.

If you let up your ideal choice for secondary or tertiary choices, this can help with practice by going through the entire process of the dating process of attracting her, connecting with her, making her feel comfortable and taking her home. 

Qualify for Logistics and Social Circumstances

I was out with a friend last night at a bar in the city. Three girls sat beside him and I opened and got to know them. I initially thought I had the entire night to spill my game. Until one friend signalled to the group that she was tired and wanted to go home. There are no moral victories in the game of dating. If her friend desire to go home, the rest may follow suit.

Yes, you can attract a girl indirectly by not showing interest directly. However, in this case, I didn’t get to the point and I played it too cool.

One hour into the interaction, I had positive results with the girl I was interested in, I could tell:

  • She’s slightly chasing
  • She’s laughing

She’s obviously attracted. However, in this case I overstepped my mark. Instead of making a connection I pushed and teased too much. I wanted her to invest and to chase more. I also took quite a depersonalized approach to the interaction. I didn’t truly get to know her as a genuine person. 

It got to the point that I was trying way too hard and there wasn’t any genuine connection between us. Needless to say, I went home empty handed because I was trying to put all my eggs in one basket. Logistically, things changed really fast and we lost the interaction. 

If she’s attracted and give you positive signals, don’t over step your mark and make her chase too much. It’s okay to demonstrate interest. It’s also okay to ‘be a little needy’ to ensure your interaction moves forward. For example, if you had an amazing interaction with a girl you met at the club and if she decides to go to the bathroom in the club, you can follow her despite it looking ‘needy’. It’s much better than losing the entire interaction. 

Taking that social risk and and trying to get her back to yours is much better than playing it cool and losing an interaction completely. 

Helpful Frames for Sexual Intimacy to Happen

If you are physically intimate with her on a date then good… now you need an excuse to get her to your place. There’s no need for any fancy excuse. I used to get girls in my car and drive to mine without saying anything. These days, I simply say: “let’s chill at mine.”

The point is to make sure you are not making her feel like a slut. Take the pressure off her. I’ll tell her not to mess up my room. Telling her if she stays over she’s sleeping on the floor and you’re the one who’s sleeping on the bed. Saying stuff like that can take the pressure off her and makes her feel less of a slut.

When you’re finally back at yours… get her to feel comfortable. You can box her around with your boxing gloves and be keep it light-hearted and playful. Treat her like a little sister that you never had. Then, you can start slowly be physically intimate with her. If she resist against your advances… take a step back and empathise.

My personal belief is that if you come from a standpoint of emotional needs for status, connection and security that an ideal boyfriend will. You can be that empathetic and high value male that she’ll break all rules for you. 

When you start kissing and there’s a bedroom nearby… the rest is usually history. In my experience, sex from first dates do happen. However, the majority of them are simply going to happen on the second to third time you meet her. It all depends on the comfort level and her values on sex.

However do note that if you’re not at final base by the third date, she’s either not comfortable with casual sex or she has completely different values from you.

Mar 18

How to Date a Girl for the First Time – First Date Kiss?

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Ever wondered what to do on the first date? First dates can be confusing. Some people opt for fanciful dinners, others say to keep it light. Then there are the other questions ranging from how do you get to know her on a first date? How can you get her to get to know you on the first date? Can first dates lead to sex?

In my experience, as a general principle, you should treat all your dates like the first date: your dates got to lead to somewhere. You need to be one leading in conversation, when it comes to changing venues, physically and emotionally. How well she gets to know you is going to be dependent on your conversation skills and ability to connect with her.

How to Date a Girl for First Time: The Ultimate Guide

  • Fancy First Date Idea? No, Stick to Coffee 

In general, I only plan for low cost and investment first dates. This usually means coffee at Starbucks or a cafe. If you’re a creep, she’s free to excuse herself since it’s a public area. If she doesn’t turn out like who she is on her online dating profile, your investment is a mere coffee. You’re both free to excuse yourselves.

  • Pick a Central Location

Psychological research also shows that people value things more when they get they invest personal time, money and effort.

On picking a location, there’s no need to get fancy with crazy first date ideas. You should choose a neutral location between your place and hers. This way, she’ll be investing time and effort to travel to meet you. I almost never drive to pick anyone up for a first date.

However, you’ll soon figure out that time and money aren’t extremely powerful forms of investment at all. It’s the emotional investment that count.

  • Time: Evenings

You should ideally plan dates for the evening to generate more expectation. Oh yes, do note that a date out with her friends is NOT a date. 

  • Set the Tone

The first date is the date that is going to set the tone of your relationship with her. If she’s attracted to you and you don’t act upon it, she is going to lose that attraction. 

  • Create Opportunities for Physical Intimacy 

In general, try to create opportunities for physical intimacy on the first date. This means, forget movie and dinner dates. They are too un-interactive and don’t introduce any physical intimacy: in the movie theatre, you’re are sitting beside her, silent and facing forward. Not a good idea to get to know each other.

If you’re at a restaurant, depending on your smart you are with your sitting position, you might end up sitting across her and facing her like you’re going in for an interview. That’s not good. You want to try to flirt physical during the first date. The problem with fancy dinners dates is that they’re also costly. Not to mention it’s really boring to just sit across someone and converse for the next 2 hours.

Plan Out the Route to From First Date to Sex

You are not actually going spend 4-5 hours coffee getting to know someone. You’re going to have to plan for at least three low investment form of activities. Ideally, start your date at around 6pm. You want to be peaking together at around 10 pm or 11 pm. The key is to give her the “I need to go home, but I don’t want to yet” feeling.

Here’s a common first date plan I use:

  • Meet her midway for coffee at Starbucks
  • Then something casual: walk in the parks, walks by the beach, visiting the bookstore or get her to join you in one of your hobbies

So how do you choose the right locations to go to? This really depends on her personality. The hippies will prefer cafes, stand up comedy and music events. The more adventurous and sporty ones are going to prefer the outdoors. The shopaholics will prefer, erhem, the shopping malls. If you’re in a shopping haven like Singapore, you can go window shopping. 

It’s also a good opportunity to expand your identity and your interests. Interested in singing? Invite her to your weekly karaoke session. Interested in martial arts? Get her to sign up for a trial class at your gym.

It’s fun to walk, talk, poke fun at her when she says something cute (or retarded). When you’re walking beside each other, it’s easier to punctuate your conversations with physical touches.

Ideally, you should be trying to flirt with her physically right from the get go. You should be teasing her in your conversations and punctuating your sentences with slight touches. 

Note: These days, I don’t really plan out anything special for first dates. If you are generating enough leads through cold approaching or online dating apps, then you want your first date to me more of a screening process. There are going to be first dates that don’t go to anywhere. Hence, there’s no need to come up with fanciful ideas. I like the idea of going to a cafe and then straight to drinks. If you want to plan out more special dates, then make sure both of you really like each other and get a long. Then plan something out on the second or third date.

  • Grab drinks at a bar near your place
  • Find an excuse to come to your place 
  • The Multiple Location Strategy

The classic strategy is to take her to different date location. Psychology suggests that if you’re the only constant among all these changing places, she’ll feel that she ‘got to know you more’. However, you can’t be bouncing around aimlessly, you need to progress your date closer to yours. This requires you to be spontaneous and armed with knowledge about your city.

  • Dinner? Yes or No?

I’m not saying 100% no to dinner dates. The majority of my coffee dates end up with dinner. That’s after if both of us get along well during coffee. Contrary to popular belief, women do not like heavily planned romantic and expensive dinners for first dates. (Read: gold diggers are an exception.)

However, I’m stating a hard no to romantic, expensive, high expectations kind of dinner dates: the ones where you roll up in your father’s Mercedes Benz to some fancy restaurant. (read: the ones that you pretend to understand the menu.)

Lastly, you want your first dates to be efficient: not all first dates are going to lead to sex. You’re not going to enjoy every single date and not every girl is going to be into you. If you’re not attracted to her or she’s not showing any interest in you, feel free to walk off and end the date right there and then. Other than strong not wasting your time, it’s also a demonstration of strong boundaries.

Ultimately, keep your first couple of dates economical, low investment and light hearted. This saves you money and alleviates pressure from her. 

Who Pays on the First Date?

In my experience, I’ve been on first dates with women who were earning  higher income than me. In Singapore, the guys generally start drawing an income later than girls as they’ve got two years of national service in the military.

In general, most of the women I’ve been on dates with don’t mind going dutch. However, in Models, Mark Manson suggested that there’s an intrinsic sense of chivalry that women enjoy that makes them feel feminine when you pay for them. He argued that one of the primary psychological need in women is security: paying for them lends itself to that.

Here’s how I normally do it: I make it a team effort. I’ll often pay first and then tell her to buy something else in return later. There’s no need to be uptight and stingy if you’re earning an income. If you’re earning an income much higher than her, it would make sense for you to pay for her. You can get her to make it a team activity and get her to pay for dessert or drinks after. The key is not to make the paying thing too awkward. 

How to Escalate Physically on the First Date

In modern culture narratives, women are perceived in a negative light if they initiate on romantic advances. That’s because by initiating interest, she’ll be judged by society as a… ‘slut’. This is why women mostly will never initiate. Even if she wants to. 

If you grew up in a traditional Asian culture, you are probably told to be polite, be nice and not to be pushy with women. Let alone on first dates. I’m going to differ. It’s pointless to approach hundreds of girls, be extremely charismatic on on text but being unable to make the close on the date. This is why it’s always on YOU to push for sex as early as the first date.

If you are making out with her and holding hands with her towards the end of your first date, there’s an opportunity to get her back to yours. You’ll want to take your date to somewhere more private. I recommend bars and cafes that are along beaches. Beach dates are great for intimacy and privacy. It can be playgrounds or small parks. You can simply say you know an awesome bar near yours, grab her hand and get into the cab.

Remember, lead, lead and always lead. 

There are going to be a percentage of women who aren’t comfortable with physical intimacy on the first date and there are going to be women that are. However, like I always say: lead and ask forgiveness later.

If you meet her at a cafe or a coffeeshop, choose a seat that plants you beside her instead of in front of her. Either that, just stand up, and plant yourself beside her. It might seem awkward, however, I’ve done that it a couple of times and if she’s attracted, she won’t reject you. Remember, women desire to be desired.

The ability to be physically intimate with women is going to differentiate your results by a mile.

Mar 11

How to Build Sexual Tension – Mindsets to Get Her to Chase

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

You can dress well, hit the gym and get your studies or work right, have friends that you enjoy with being have hobbies going for you… yet still fail to elicit sexual tension between you and your romantic partners.

To quote Neil Strauss:

“In life, people tend to wait for good things to come to them. And by waiting, they miss out. Usually, what you wish for doesn’t fall in your lap; it falls somewhere nearby, and you have to recognize it, stand up, and put in the time and work it takes to get to it. This isn’t because the universe is cruel. It’s because the universe is smart. It has its own cat-string theory and knows we don’t appreciate things that fall into our laps.”

In my first year of learning this entire attracting women thing, I spent a ton of time dolling myself up with nice-looking clothes, hitting the gym and ‘looking good’. I still didn’t get laid. In fact, I’d argue that focusing too much on being good looking may even work against you. Girls may call you out for being a player and she’s may project all sort of stereotypes onto you.

This is why you need to learn how to elicit sexual tension in your romantic interactions.

How to be Naturally Generate Sexual Tension

  • The Basics

Firstly, the basics work at all times: dress well on a date, have good relaxed open body language and eye contact. This means not being too jittery, not being shifty in your gaze and putting on a relaxed smile.

  • Get Off on Alcohol

Secondly, the dating advice out there that absolutely against alcohol in attempt to get sexual with women. I have nothing against casual drinking and trying to meet girls. It’ll be socially weird if you are out on a bar just to hit on girls with on drinks on hand. If you’re just using it as a social gel, such as getting a drink with a girl who’s already into you, then it’s fine. 

However, if you’re using alcohol as a crutch to hit on women then that’s the problem. If you’re so afraid of your own sexuality that you’re using alcohol to deal with it, then I recommend you look into my guide about toxic shame.

  • Go No Fap

I noticed a huge difference in the way I carry myself when I don’t use pornography. I’ll be more motivated to approach women and be more sexual with them. If you’re hitting the clubs in an hour, then don’t masturbate and preserve the energy for the night. If you really feel the urge to get one out, you can replace it pornographic usage with other habits.

In the popular self-help book Think or Grow Rich, it’s suggested that the most successful and powerful people in history go on sexual abstinences to preserved energy for work. Research and studies also back up that pornography can screw up your perception on sex as portrays an unrealistic picture of human sexuality. If you can’t help but need to get one off, you should only be doing it after accomplishing everything you want to achieve in the day. 

If you are raring to go with all that pent up sexual aggression… it’s going to rub off in your interactions with women. You are going to be a lot more sexually aggressive and be primed to take more social risks.

How to Generate Sexual Tension: Understanding Premise

One core principle of generating sexual tension is in art of setting a premise. It is the idea of evaluating the person you are dating as much as they are evaluating you. This not only balances out the power dynamic in the relationship, it also creates uncertainty in your interaction between you and her.

Uncertainty creates sexual tension.

Think of premise like being a doctor, as opposed to the pushy salesman. You have a problem, I have a solution and you’re the one that chooses to take up that solution. People don’t like being sold to, they like buying. 

This analogy is exemplified in the luxury products industry. Their staff isn’t pushing their luxury products in your face. You’re the one pining to be in their shops to get the that limited edition of that particular product.

In this case, you are framing yourself to be the luxury product and she’s the buyer.

Premise is the context of which you establish any relationship. If you find yourself constantly chasing, putting in an effort and not getting any investment from her end, you lack a premise. You are also likely to lack relationship boundaries.

For example, if you are always the nice guy who always makes himself available to her, she’ll perceive you as a the nice guy going forward. That’s your premise of your relationship with her moving forward in time. It’s harder to change that precedent of a relationship between you and her as opposed to establishing it early.

Of course, setting a premise in itself is limiting in itself. You need to be able to walk the talk. If you are a self-invested individual, then evaluating your time spent with anyone is part of your personal values and not some phoney trick. 

No sexual tension

Not the way to do it

Power Dynamics

If you are outrightly demonstrating your undying lover for her… she knows she already won you over right from the start. You are also putting all of your cards on the table without generating any form emotional investment on her end. You are giving away too much power too early on. She also doesn’t really feel truly appreciated by you. She doesn’t feel special.

That’s because you haven’t ‘qualified’ or ‘disqualified’ her. Only by consciously approving, disapproving, giving and withdrawing validation… you can get her to chase and emotionally invest. 

This creates sexual tension between you and her that is aching to be resolved through insatiable mutual lust.

Trust Your Gut 

There’s something to be said about trusting yourself on a gut level. The more you look to others to completely imitate sexually attractive behaviours, the more you’ll find yourself feeling like an imposter. Stop looking to others to copy behaviour. Trust yourself.

Trusting yourself and holding her hand, going for the kiss or grabbing her by the waist on a date are romantically polarizing behaviours. You’re putting yourself up for rejection. However, it demonstrates true confidence. Girls can sense that kind true confidence.

I quote a line from Models by Mark Manson:

“Until you learn to trust your own actions and learn to pursue women with your own unique style and personality, you have learned absolutely nothing.”

Lead Physically, and Always Be Leading

To elicit sexual tension, it’s all about leading. You’ll need to lead verbally, emotionally, physically and logistically. She’s not going to do it for you. It’s naturally congruent to be a leader and sexually confident. If you’re approaching a woman with intent, you have to back it up by being congruent. Women respond to leadership

If you’re looking to move a romantic interaction to a venue that allows for more intimacy, don’t ask, lead. She’s not going to say yes because that makes her look like the decision maker. She’s not going to lead the interaction for you. That’s because she can’t look like ‘a slut’ to modern cultural narratives. You need to be the one ‘responsible’.

You can start with light social touches (elbows and shoulders) as a means to create sexual tension and then escalate from there. If she signals that she is comfortable with your touches, then lead and slowly escalate. 

Sexual Tension isn’t Built from Memorising Lines

If you are relying on routines and canned lines to build sexual tension you are bound to run out of words. I once planned everything, worried about everything and tried to do every damned detail right in my interactions in person, in text and went to the extent of analysing every single interaction. 

Needless to say I was too stifled in my interactions. It’s a misconstrued idea that romantic interactions can be completely objectified. Social interactions ain’t a hard science. Romantic interactions are like a cosmic clash. You’re an unknown entity to her and vice versa. Some times, it’s going to be awkward for both of you. That’s completely natural. So expect some nervousness, awkwardness and ride the waves.

If you’re too reliant on canned routines, you are going to find yourself being the entertainer as opposed to the sexually arousing male. This certainly destroys sexual tension. In my younger days, I tend to get into this whole ‘frat’ boy kind of schtick when out on date just to demonstrate that I’m friendly and confident and the same time. It’s a schtick. Girls can sniff out whether you’re really sexually confident or simply putting a front. 

Conclusion

Creating sexual tension goes hand in hand with simply deciding to take control in your romantic interactions.

The majority of men are afraid of sexualising an interaction is because they are afraid of expressing their own sexuality. Look, you can’t do anything if a girl decides to slap you when you try going in for the kiss. You can’t do anything if you said something a joke that was funny to you but ended up pissing her off. In spite of everything, always be leading.

This is part of an unapologetic attractive man’s attitude. It is to be responsible for one’s own desires and stop worrying about things out of your control: other people’s actions and emotions. 

Jan 12

Dating an Entrepreneur – Date Poor Marry Rich?

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Something struck me when a friend recommended that we went to an above-average priced restaurant. I declined in mind about the price of the food. As a budding entrepreneur, I lived most of my twenties trying not to spend too much on expensive restaurants as I kept my expenses low in order to start and grow a business.

For the men and women reading this, the following is an accurate depiction of reality when you are dating an entrepreneur who doesn’t inherit family wealth and is attempting to start a business in his twenties. He/ she is probably going to come from a middle class background and scrounged up some money through the years to afford rent, labour, software and minimal start up costs.

This got me thinking about relationships and the asymmetry of dating an entrepreneur.

The Asymmetry of Dating an Entrepreneur

For the most part, I never thought like a CEO or a capital allocator. In my former years, I spent my majority consulting, business income away on flight tickets, restaurants, bars, clubs, cafes and convenience. Yes, I did reinvest in my own education and in my own company, but I didn’t do it at the rate that could lead to an exponential growth of capital.

I lacked focus.

I realized the importance of capital preservation and how a small self-funded company should reinvest its earnings into growth.

Technically, if I ate out at a high-end restaurant for $30 a meal, I am giving up four days of chilling out a cafe ($7 per coffee) so I can enjoy the ambience working without needing to rent an office.

Sometimes, my mother sways and she invests small amounts of capital in Ponzi forex or cryptocurrency trading schemes. I used to berate her for it: ‘do you know how many hours of my staff I can purchase with that amount?’ It’s about time I took my own advice.

This is why if you’re looking to date an entrepreneur, especially if he/ she is self-funded, it’s difficult.

Now, I’m not saying I am not awash-ed with cash and I’m swimming naked. I’m also not all work and no play. I dropped more than a couple of grand on a Europe solo  backpacking trip and many solo flight tickets in my twenties. I also dropped a lot more than a couple of grand on self-education.

However, I’m saying: let’s be prudent, delay gratification and think of long term end outcomes.

How to Date an Entrepreneur: Cars, Cafes and Condos

Not all money spent isn’t well spent. For example, I am a convenience freak. I outsourced all of my lunches for months at a go and paid premium per meal. I also once hired a freelancer for 8 USD to download all my Facebook photos manually.

On the other hand, I didn’t purchase a car for years and am not intending to. However, I’m more than willing to spend on ride-hailing applications. They are worth it. I figured the cost of owning a second-hand car is 1.2k–1.3k per month inclusive of loans, tax, petrol and insurance.

I also kept my personal insurance premiums to a minimum and berated my parents for purchasing whole life insurance.

I also don’t invest any more than low-cost first dates or attempting to impress the opposite sex through monetary means. I’m against the idea of regularly going out to expensive restaurants, cafes and flaunting them on social media.

If given a choice, perfect dates would consist of walks in the parks, books, philosophical discussions and mind blowing sex. These activities are mostly low in cost, healthy activities and free. In some sense, I am an oddball. I realised this isn’t the case for most millennials in their twenties. For women reading this and still think it’s cool to date a bootstrapped self funded entrepreneur, I’d tell you to think twice.

How to Date an Entrepreneur: Asymmetry 

Let’s look at the short term and long term implications of dating a bootstrapped entrepreneur: for the opposite sex, if our relationship extends beyond a short term arrangement, it is something she has to make a value choice in time: “suffer” alongside with me and give up on signalling a perfect life on social media and reap the rewards years later OR… give it up.

I realized this also translated into my friendships. I can’t go cafe hopping or club hopping every other weekend. It’s much wiser to re-invest the earnings into the company.

Now, as I mentioned, it’s not that I am not awash-ed with cash or swimming naked. It’s just that I’d like to continue swimming with my head well above the water.

Once again this puts a self funded entrepreneur in his twenties in an asymmetric dilemma: attractive women are traditionally used to cash/monetary gifts/ favours from men.

Since I am neither rich nor willing to expend monetary favours. I can only rely on charm and wit. Hence demographically, I am only compatible with women who are financially independent after graduating from school and aren’t looking for a sugar daddy.

The average graduate (or non-graduate) who signs up for median employment in Western culture is bound to find herself with some form of stable disposable income. Her lifestyle choices might not match with an entrepreneur in his 20s or even arguably 30s.

The self-funded male entrepreneur in his 20s is only demographically compatible with prudent and wise women who not only meet his physical criteria but also are able to accept delayed gratification and book dates. (Read: I can assure you it’s a minority).

Let’s just say if every one of her peers got boyfriends as bankers, lawyers and doctors, she is going to feel the social pressure to keep up with the Jones.

In the long run, if a driven entrepreneurial male in his 20s stayed the course and find asymmetric financial success in his 30s, his demographic is now enlarged.

He has money. He has choices.

If he has not found a committed and suitable partner in his twenties who is willing to go through the delayed gratification for the bigger picture. Then let’s just say he is in an asymmetric position of power in the dating game.

Hence, dating an entrepreneur is asymmetric in nature. You get may get extreme pay offs in the long run on either side, or bail out in the short term. This is the reality of dating an entrepreneur.

Oct 28

How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back without Being Desperate

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

I get a lot of: “how to get my ex-girlfriend back” questions and requests. The majority of them don’t eventually end up being a client. The majority of these clients coming in, they’re actually looking for a short-term solution when they are outrightly asking “how to get your ex girlfriend back”. I’m going to address this in this article of firstly how to get your ex-girlfriend back, and secondly to have the right mindset about this.

How to Get Your Ex Girlfriend Back without Being Desperate

These clients probably got dumped out of the blue and now they’re trying to get their ex-girlfriend back. There are solutions to this, short-term solutions that will rely on game theory and short-term psychology tactics. The first short-term strategy you can use is actually using the pick up artist concept of: changing the frame. When you change the frame, you are changing the underlying meaning of the interaction between you and her.

So firstly right, let’s assume that you are the one being dumped.

Let assume you are the one chasing her, trying to get her attention back, trying to get her back in your life, and almost pleading with her. The underlying frame of the interaction is you are being dumped and you are chasing her back.

So Marcus, what do you mean by changing the frame? When you change the frame you’re actually reversing the rules. This means, demonstrating that: we have broken up, I’ve moved on with my life and I have better things to do, and I’m going to lead a life with or without you. This is what I mean by the underlying meaning behind changing the frame.

This can be demonstrated when you’re texting, this can be demonstrated on social media, this can be demonstrated when you speak about each other within your social circle assuming that you have mutual friends.

Of course you know in Asia it’s pretty … a tightly knitted society so news do get around. So yes, one of the most simple ways is to actually, you know, demonstrate that you are actually doing well in life without her. So that can be easily demonstrated on social media unless she blocks you (read: which is a pretty smart thing to do.)

I know so many couples that have broken up, they still text each other for some inane reason, and normally there is always one partner that’s trying to get back the other. Or there’s like some level of resentment and they are still trashing things out. Or both sides are being really reactive and there’s a whole, you know, rollercoaster dynamic right there, so one of the best ways to actually change the frame through a texting perspective is to actually give neutral responses, right?

Instead of pleading or trying to get her attention or trying to bribe her over with money, compliments and all of that. It’s better to give neutral responses in your text messages.

For example, if she’s trying to get some validation from you or she’s trying to initiate the conversation, or maybe she’s asking you:”do you ever see us getting back together?” You can actually reply by giving a neutral response which would entail something like, “I don’t know, but I wish you the best and you know, I’m pretty busy with this, I’ve actually tried out this new thing,”

It’s actually kind of going back to the days where you just met and trying to kind of demonstrate value again. Let’s be honest, a lot of people break up for different reasons, and one of the reasons is because the male or the female has actually, you know, gotten lazy in maintaining that relationship.

Compare this to the time when you guys first just met and both sides are actually putting in effort to put your best foot forward so that you can get her as a girlfriend or she can get you as a boyfriend. Hence, the short-term solution is change the frame, change the underlying meaning of the interaction between you and her.

However, I want to talk a little bit about the long-term solution, I want to talk about something that is not commonly talked about. This is the psychology of getting over your ex girlfriend. That’s because if you do not apply these processes, after the breakup, you’ll find yourself chasing that approval, your old traumas are being triggered, your abandonment issues are being triggered.

5 Stages of Grief and Loss: How to Heal from a Break Up

It takes time to heal from an affair and completely understand your ex’s infidelity. Unlike all other dating coaches that tell you to just ‘man up’, I am going to tell you it’s very normal for everyone, men or women, to go through a grief process of loss. This is researched in psychology: the five stages of grief.

The five stages are anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These five stages literally roughly mean those words. They do not come one after another and are an interconnected process where you can jump stages or you can experience this stage before that stage.

This was true for me from my own experience. When I was a teenager and I got dumped over just one text message. I was in denial. I was in denial for months until when I enlisted into the Singapore military and that’s where it all hit me. I was angry and I was sad all at one go. It all hit me and I broke emotionally. So this is why we need to heal. We need to grieve.

This grieve process is not spoken about. This isn’t addressed properly enough in especially Asian culture where the “man” is supposed to actually just be the tough guy and just take the loss. “Just take it on the chin”, and just move on! Let’s not address it, repress it and push it down. Only to find it boiling up after three months, half a year, or a year. Then you might end up going  into a fit or do something silly.

The Psychology behind 5 Stages of Grief and Loss

It’s that psychological loss will only heal if unnecessary containment such as unreasonable guilt and resentments can be worked out through. This plays out by trashing it out with your ex and achieving closure. This is why initially when you first break up, it’s quite important to trash it out and to lash it out.

Yet again, there are cultural narratives that says; “you’re not supposed to show your emotions”. You’re not supposed to feel, you’re not supposed to trash it out. Let’s not be angry, right? It’s very evident in Asian culture. How many times have you heard growing up: “just be the good kid, do not throw a fit, behave yourself!”

The second method suggested is to help the individual be prevented from feeling isolated and help to feel connected to others.

The third one is having a positive outlook.

So let me expand on these two last methods. So assuming that you’re going through a breakup process, you are still in the process of healing, of grieving. It’s important to get support. This can come from your community, from friends, from coaches and from therapy: through a clinical psychologist or through a licensed therapist.

I recommend therapy because especially when we’re young, our friends are not actually matured enough to actually guide us to the correct direction or to actually feel with us or sympathise or empathise with us.

This was true for me when I was a teenager. I remembered that after I broke up like for two weeks, my friends were at that point of time having a meal with my ex-girlfriend and posting it on social media. I felt butthurt about it. Getting psychologically support from friends might not be the best option.

The thing with relationships and breakups and psychology is that a lot of things can get messy. There’s a lot of nuances and weird things. The opposite party across you might be judging on it. Relationships are messy, people break up for all sorts of reasons, for irrational reasons, for weird reasons.

This is why I actually recommend looking into psychotherapy, into getting a therapist to actually guide you through the process. These people are usually much older than you, they are licensed, they have six years of clinical training to actually practice as a psychologist. You’re also dealing with science in a clinical setting and decades of research. Sometimes, I would pick that over having friends’ advice or friends’ support. Unless you have a really good friend who’s highly empathetic and highly sympathetic, and is able to truly empathise with you without judgment.

The Long Term Solution to Getting Your Ex Girlfriend Back without Looking Desperate

Here is where I want to get into the long-term solution.

Some clients when they come through my marketing funnel when they’ve just broken up, they’re actually looking for a short-term solution which is trying to get an ex-girlfriend back. Trying to find out a strategy, a way, or learn ‘game’ just to get a ex-girlfriend back, as a control strategy against hurt and abandonment trauma and emotional growth.

The long-term solution is to actually understand the psychology of your breakup, of why you ended up breaking up in the first place. For one, rollercoaster relationships are a huge reason why people break up in the end, because you were leading an unhealthy relationship with her.

I recommend looking at attachment theory. There’s decades of research on anxious and avoidant attachment. The dynamic between anxious and avoidant attachment is where one person is chasing and the other person is avoiding and it just flips to and fro. This is an example of a relationship that I somewhat experienced when I was a teenager. I was avoidant and she was anxious and then we just flipped around where I chased her and she chased me and it was never ending to the point where it just got too frustrating for both sides.

Psychologists theorise we experience romantic love similarly to how we experience love from our parents when we were a kid, and we tend to confuse the two where we think that the love that we are getting from our partner is akin to our parents.

This is why when you break up you’ll feel super triggered and you’ll feel like your life is ending. That’s because as a kid it’s your interest to survive and you need that love from your parents. Now that you’ve grown up but your psychology is not matured enough and now that your girlfriend or your boyfriend has dumped you, this is akin to your parents abandoning you and going against your needs for survival.

You’ll require emotional awareness to actually differentiate the two.

Hence, a long-term solution is to actually understand rollercoaster relationships, understand the psychology of why you guys actually broke off right. And whether it is a healthy relationship in the first place.

Closing Thoughts

I was in a mess after my ex-girlfriend dumped me over text message. I remembered spending the next three months in a living hell in my head trying to get her back, trying to get her on the phone. I emotionally broke down all alone on a military island. That was the point where I realised that I really didn’t have it down right.

I used to think I was a tough guy. I did martial arts in my teens, I got into street fights, and I used to think I was tough. That was what got me to repress my break up. I could tell you exactly what I felt at that point in time, I was like: “screw that bitch I’m going to go into the military. I’m going to be a military officer. I’m going to achieve my way through this pain”.

On the contrary, within eight days into the first 14 days confinement in the military, I broke down and everything just went haywire. I wasn’t even motivated to actually achieve in the military. This is why I want to stress: emotional health, understanding the psychology of relationships and dating is extremely important.

Lastly, this concept isn’t addressed enough in Asian culture. It’s something that’s not spoken or actively discussed in Asian culture. I hope everyone reading this took something away something and actually maybe start valuing your dating and relationships life and understanding your own psychology.

May 17

The Push and Pull Technique and Method – Steal my Lines

By Marcus Neo | Dating Advice for Men

Pushing and pulling is an old and OG concept that arose from the old school pick up artist community. The idea of push and pulling simultaneously is to create interest and ambiguity that women find attractive. It can be expressed verbally or non-verbally. You can “push” by demonstrating more attention and interest. You can “pull” by disqualifying yourself as potential partner.

There are different degrees of push and pulling. You can do it verbally, non verbally or a combination of both. If you wish to use it effectively, then understanding when you need to push and when you can pull is going to contribute a lot to your success. If you do it right, you can even get women to push on you hard.

Pick Up Artist Theory: Push and Pulling

Yes, push and pulling is an effective framework for beginners to understand the dynamics of flirting. In theory, you push if she’s pulling, you pull when she’s pulling. You can also implement lines that ‘push and pull’ as a means of teasing. I used to think that you only need ‘passive attraction’ to get women to be attracted to you. However, I take a middle ground these days, by actively implementing push and pull lines/ methods, you can make things happen in your interactions.

In general, you should always be pushing and pulling simultaneously. You only push when you feel you’ve pulled too hard and you don’t want to lose the interaction. If you think of interactions on a power scale, pushing gives up power and pulling successfully gives you more power. If you’re only demonstrating interest outrightly, you’re telling her that she can have you at any time. This is why that, in general, you should be demonstrating intent whilst disqualifying yourself at the same time. This way, you’re ‘balancing the power scale’ as much as you can.

The Push Pull Method: Understanding Where You Stand in Her Eyes

The ‘power scale’ is a means of understanding where you exactly stand in any interaction with a woman. Is she interested and should continue to push and pull? Or are you pushing too hard and you need some investment from her end (and you need to pull). Or is she already interested and you can pull to generate even more investment to get her to chase?

  • If you haven’t gotten her attention or her interested, then you can try to ‘manufacture it’ by pushing and/ or pulling.
  • If she’s pulling, you can push by ‘giving up some of the power in the relationship’, by outrightly demonstrating affection or interest.
  • If you’re over reaching to a girl, she’s feeling suffocated, you can ‘pull’ to balance the dynamic of the relationship.
  • You can also pull when she’s pushing to attempt to generate more investment when she’s pushing.

Teasing a girl one of the most effective and easiest manner to demonstrate interest and flirt. In theory, just about any cheeky tease can be considered a push and pull. A tease is negative verbally. However, it’s a positive non verbally. Hence, it’s a ‘push pull’.

Think about it, you only tease your old friends. You tease them ‘negatively’, for example, for their childish or slobbish behaviour. However, you also do it as a means of affection. They are alright with it, everybody laughs and it leads to further bonding.

Examples of Push Pull Lines – Steal my Lines

There are lines you can use in text and/ or in person:

“You’re so adorably annoying”
“You look interesting” (ambiguity, what the hell is interesting? Is that good or bad? This implies a push pull)
“You were attractive until you said X”
“That’s a great looking dress, I’m not too sure about the shoes though”
“We totally should not be doing this” (done whilst escalating physically on her)
“You’re so hot, but thankfully I’m a moral rock ;)”
“We should totally grab coffee, provided you’re not a psychopath”
“I should totally take your number, provided you’re not a secret psychopath that’s going to text 27 messages past midnight”
“Aw, you are ridiculously adorable”

Pushes are generally any demonstration of interest and affection. Pulls are generally any demonstration of disinterest or the fact that you are willing to lose the interaction. You get the idea. There are positives and negatives in your actions and statements. You can also combine outright pushes or pulls when the right time calls for it.

How to Push Pull Physically

There are ways to push and pull whilst flirting physically. This is what pick up artists call ‘calibration’.

You can show direct interest with direct body language and attention (push) and then disqualify using negative body language (pull) and alter them to different degrees depending on where you are at in the interaction.

You can push pull by escalating physically but disqualify verbally.  Saying “I should not being doing this” whilst you’re making out with her is a push pull.

Taking her to your place and saying outrightly that you’re going to kick her off your bed, is a somewhat a push and a pull. You’re pushing for sex and simultaneously disqualifying. Groping her intimately and then saying you are “not suppose to be doing it” is a push pull. In this example, push pull can be used as a means to set the right frame for sex to ‘just happen’.

Using push and pull physically can be as simple as flirting with her physically (increasing the frequency of touches) and then suddenly dropping it (using negative body language), then escalating it and dropping it. Push pull ultimately can be used as a means to build sexual tension.

How to Get Good at Push and Pull Naturally

So, how can you push and pull in the moment without relying on memorising lines? To get good at pushing and pulling, you need to get good at the art of improvisation.

This means taking an interest in language and appreciating comedy. You can take up stand up comedy classes, watch comedians on Youtube or take up improv classes. There are improv tools on the internet where they generate random words and you’re forced to improvise off that.

I started bettering my conversations by taking joining improv classes and sooner or later push pull became natural to me. There’s also no need to go crazy on this. In the most fundamental manner, teasing a girl is the most basic push pull. You’re saying something negative but your intentions are positive.

Limitations

However, there are limitations. I used to over rely on wit and came off sarcastic in my interactions. You cannot rely on words alone. In the art of seduction. You need guts. Yes you can calibrate. (if you see her feeling uncomfortable with your advances, you reel back with a ‘pull’). However, there’s no technical replacement for taking genuine risk in your interaction. You can’t push and pull your way into kissing her. Kissing her is mostly a matter of just pulling the trigger.

Furthermore, just relying on push and pulling is a horrendous manner to build a genuine and deeper connection. You need to have other conversational skills outside of teasing and coming up with witty push pull lines. Furthermore, you and I are all here to have awesome relationships with women, it’s not about proving who’s more quick witted.

Push Pull

Conclusions

Understanding the push pull dynamic and how to implement the lines are only about 10% of the entire equation. These days, I only use them as a means as an end, as a means to spark attraction or generate and interest. I always tell my dating coaching clients that I don’t really pay attention to memorizing lines consciously because once you get good at improv, teasing and flirting comes naturally to you. However, nonetheless, it’s a good model of understanding where you stand in a relationship.

There are many other facets to generating grounded, lasting attraction such as being able to connect on a deeper level to attempting to better your life. You can’t replace and attractive identity with only push and pull lines.

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