If you grew up in a traditional Asian culture, you’re probably conditioned to be polite, to be nice and not to be pushy in your interactions with anyone. Let alone women.
Last weekend, I was out doing a couple of approaches in a popular mall in Singapore whilst hanging out with a good friend of mine. I had finished partying two nights in a row and wasn’t exactly in the best of mood. However, since I was out, I just did it anyway. Needless to say, most of my interactions didn’t go anywhere.
The Psychology of a Hard Closer
That got me thinking a lot about the concept of being a hard closer, especially in the game of relationships. It’s pointless to create multiple opportunities, have the best lines in the world, be extremely charismatic but being unable to make the close.
This leads me to my next question: how do you become a hard closer?
Social Dynamics: She Can’t Close for You, Even if She Wants To
Modern society is constructed in a way where women are perceived in a negative light if they make romantic advances. That’s because by demonstrating interest, she’ll be judged by society as a… ‘slut’. This is why a woman will never make a move for you, even if she wants to. She’ll also put up certain resistances to initial advances.
If you’re out on a date, your date may actually think that you’re attractive, however, she’s been socially conditioned from day one not show any interest and do anything about it.
I came across a popular concept of ethical persuasion in relationships and business. Ethical persuasion is the idea that if you have an excellent product, it’s your moral duty to push it upon someone else.
I don’t exactly buy that approach from a philosophical standpoint. I mean, who can actually determine what’s best for someone, especially in commerce or relationships?
However, I do agree that if you have a good enough product, a product that doesn’t do your potential client any harm and can potentially help your client lead a better life, you should be guilt free in being somewhat pushy.
In the arena of dating and relationships, YOU are the product. Sometimes the hardest thing to recognize is that you already are a good product. If you go to the gym, take care of yourself, read nerdy self-improvement blogs like this, I argue that you’re already enough. It’s just that sometimes, we don’t give ourselves enough credit.
Putting Yourself First and Winning
Secondly, ethical persuasion aside, have you ever wondered why assholes always ‘finish first’?
That’s because these ‘assholes’ decided far ahead of time that they are going to win, despite the cost. They are hard closers. They are able and willing to piss off and step over others to get what they want. They are selfish in that sense. From an evolutionary standpoint, it’s advantageous to a woman to mate with someone who is willing to step over others to accumulated resources. (Read: Over generalizing here I know, but you get my point.)
Look, the game of dating and romance IS a selfish endeavour. Firstly, you need to recognize that. Secondly, you need to put yourself first and decide to win. I’m not saying that you need to be an asshole, I’m just saying that you need to make a clear decision to win.
This is why beginners often have a huge period of growth and slacken off after some initial success. They also stick to old levels of success: they go out with the same quality of girls again and again. They’ve lost the initial drive to win despite the costs.
The Psychology of Self Esteem: Your Projections
How many of you project your self-worth onto the girls you’re dating or looking to date? How many of you walk into a Friday night date, a sales meeting or even wake up in the morning subtlely telling yourself that outcome you desire cannot be achieved? I know I have, along with hundreds of men every single day of their life. You’ve already lost the battle before it even started.
Self-esteem is an interesting topic. Charlie Munger, one of the businessmen I study closely, was quoted stating:
‘To get what you want, you have to deserve what you want. The world is not yet a crazy enough place to reward a whole bunch of deserving people’.
Here’s my point:
- Don’t decide for her if she’ll actually like a guy like you
- Don’t decide for her if she’ll actually kiss you/ go out with you or take your number
Some of us start off believing that we’re only able to date a girl up to a certain calibre. Unlike what most life coaches tell you, you can’t sit back and ‘manifest a life that you desire’. You need to pay attention to cultural narratives that influenced you. You deserve what you consciously/unconsciously believe you deserve. These beliefs are also often unconscious. They are formed through years of social feedback, your upbringing and environment.
One of the reasons why people fail isn’t so much so because they are afraid of failure. It’s because they are afraid of success. I know, sound weird right? However, this is demonstrated through the self-verification theory in psychology. The more something threatens your identity, the more you will avoid doing it. The more a certain action threatens to change how you view yourself, the more you’ll avoid that particular action.
In dating and relationships, you either reject or fail to pull the trigger in a multitude of key moments isn’t because you do not know the words to say or the steps to take. It’s because deep down, you believe that you aren’t deserving of that particular success.
That is why we constantly pass up good decisions in our life from finally asking a girl out or talking to that stranger by the bar. One of them is rejection from women. The possibility of rejection may threaten the belief that you’re actually not that smart, capable or attractive as you think you are with women.
Let that sink for a moment.
The Art of Being a Hard Closer
If you’ve always perceived yourself as a nice person, then you must be willing to be slightly pushy and willing to piss off some people around you. If you’ve always believed yourself to be extremely attractive and your dating life isn’t something that you need to put work into, then by letting go of these beliefs, you’re now free to actively create new opportunities for yourself.
Only by letting go of certain stories you tell yourself, that you’re free to pull the trigger. You’re free to go out, take action and face eventual failure/ success. This is true of any area of life from starting a business, changing careers or directly approaching a beautiful stranger off the streets.
Jr, W. S. (2011). Self Verification Theory. The Handbook of Theories of Social Psychology, 23-42.