Ever wondered what to do on the first date? How do you get to know her on a first date? How can you get her to get to know you on the first date? Can first dates lead to sex? First dates can be confusing. Some people opt for fanciful dinners, others say to keep it light.
In my opinion, as a first principle, you should treat all your dates like the first date: your dates got to lead to somewhere. You need to be the leader on your dates in conversation, in location and emotion. How well she gets to know you is going to be dependent on your conversation skills and ability to connect with someone.
In general, I only plan for low cost and investment first dates. This usually means coffee at Starbucks or a cafe. If you’re a creep, she’s free to excuse herself since it’s a public area. If she doesn’t turn out like who she is on her Tinder profile, your investment is a mere coffee. You’re both free to excuse yourselves.
Psychological research also shows that people value things more when they get they invest personal time, money and effort.
On picking a location, there’s no need to get fancy with crazy first date ideas. You should choose a neutral location between your place and hers. This way, she’ll be investing time and effort to travel to meet you. I almost never drive to pick anyone up for a first date.
However, you’ll soon figure out that time and money aren’t actually powerful forms of investment at all. If you’re honest to yourself, you should invest your time and money in all the wrong places all the time.
You should ideally plan dates for the evening to generate more expectation. Oh yeah, a date out with her friends is NOT a date.
The first date is the date that is going to set the tone of your relationship with her. If she’s attracted to you and you don’t act upon it, she’s going to lose that attraction.
In general, try to create opportunity for physical intimacy on the first date. This means, forget movie and dinner dates. They are too un-interactive and don’t introduce any physical intimacy: in the movie theatre, you’re are sitting beside her, silent and facing forward. Not a good idea to get to know each other.
If you’re at a restaurant, depending on your smart you are with your sitting position, you might end up sitting across her and facing her like you’re going in for an interview. That’s not good. You want to try to flirt physical during the first date. The problem with fancy dinners dates is that they’re also costly. Not to mention it’s really boring to just sit across someone and converse for the next 2 hours.
You are not actually going spend 4-5 hours coffee getting to know someone. You’re going to have to plan for at least three low investment form of activities. Ideally, start your date at around 6pm. You want to be peaking together at around 10 pm or 11 pm. The key is to give her the “I need to go home, but I don’t want to yet” feeling.
Here’s a common first date plan I use:
These dates are not only low cost, they also allows you to introduce the element of physical intimacy as you’re both doing something together.
So how do you choose the right locations to take her out to? This really depends on her personality. The hippies will prefer cafes, stand up comedy and music events. The more adventurous and sporty ones are going to prefer the outdoors. The shopaholics will prefer, erhem, the shopping malls. If you’re in a shopping haven like Singapore, you can go window shopping. You can ask her for her opinion on men’s fashion.
It’s also a good opportunity to expand your identity and your interests. Interested in singing? Invite her to your weekly karaoke session. Interested in martial arts? Get her to sign up for a trial class at your gym.
It’s fun to walk, talk, poke fun at her when she says something cute (or retarded). When you’re walking beside each other, it’s easier to punctuate your conversations with physical touches.
Ideally, you should be trying to flirt with her physically right from the get go. You should be teasing her in your conversations and punctuating your sentences with slight touches.
2020 Update: These days, I don’t really plan out anything special for first dates. If you are generating enough leads through cold approaching or online dating apps, then you want your first date to me more of a screening process. There are going to be first dates that don’t go to anywhere. Hence, there’s no need to come up with fanciful ideas. I like the idea of going to a cafe and then drinks. If you want to plan out more special dates, then make sure both of you really like each other and get a long. Then plan something out on the second or third date.
The classic strategy is to take her to different date places. Psychology shows that if you’re the only constant among all these changing places, she’ll feel that she ‘got to know you more’. However, you can’t be bouncing around aimlessly, you need to progress your date closer to yours. This requires you to be spontaneous and armed with knowledge about your surroundings and your city.
I’m not saying 100% no to dinner dates. The majority of my coffee dates end up with dinner. That’s after if both of you get along well with coffee. Contrary to popular belief, women do not like heavily planned romantic and expensive dinners for first dates. (Read: gold diggers are an exception.)
However, I’m saying a full on NO to romantic, expensive, high expectations kind of dinner dates: the ones where you roll up in your father’s Mercedes Benz to some fancy restaurant: the ones that you pretend to understand the menu.
Lastly, you want your dates to be efficient: not all dates are going to lead to sex. You’re not going to enjoy every single date and not every girl is going to be into you. If you’re really not into her or she’s not showing any interest in you, feel free to walk off and end the date right there and then. That’s a form of strong boundaries.
Ultimately, keep your first couple of dates economical, low investment and light hearted. This saves you money and alleviates the pressure from her.
In my experience, I’ve been on first dates with women who were earning a much higher income than me. In Singapore, the guys generally start drawing an income later than girls as they’ve got 2 years of national service in the military. The girls start two years earlier than the guys. In general, most of the women I’ve been on dates with don’t mind going dutch.
However, in Models, Mark Manson suggested that there’s an intrinsic sense of chivalry that women enjoy that makes them feel feminine when you pay for them. He argued that one of the primary psychological need in women is security: paying for them lends itself to that.
Here’s how I normally do it: I make it a team effort. I’ll often pay first and then tell her to buy something else in return later. There’s no need to be uptight and stingy if you’re earning an income. If you’re earning an income higher than her, it would make sense for you to pay for her. You can get her to make it a team activity and get her to pay for dessert or drinks after. The key is not to make the paying thing too awkward.
If you grew up in a traditional Asian culture, you’re probably told to be polite, to be nice and not to be pushy with women, let alone on first dates. Modern society is constructed in a way where women are perceived in a negative light if they made romantic advances. That’s because by demonstrating interest, she’ll be judged by society as a… ‘slut’. This is why a woman will never make a move for you, even if she wants to.
It’s pointless to approach hundreds of girls, be extremely charismatic on the phone but being unable to make the close on the date. This is why it’s always on YOU to go for the close as early as the first date.
On your first date, there are going to be women that aren’t comfortable with physical intimacy, and there are going to be women that are. However, like I always say: try and ask forgiveness later.
If you meet her at a cafe or a coffeeshop, you should also choose a seat that plants you beside her, instead of in front of her. Either that, just stand up, and plant yourself beside her. It might seem awkward, however, I’ve done that it a couple of times and if she’s attracted, she won’t reject you. Remember, girls desire to be desired. Being physically intimate with her fast is going to differentiate your results from lots of dates to a lot of ex girlfriends.
If your first date goes well, you’ll want to take it more private. I recommend bars and cafes that are along beaches. Beach dates are great, they are great for more intimacy and privacy. You can simply say you know an awesome bar near yours, grab her hand and get into the cab. Remember, lead, lead and always lead. Choose a park that’s near yours. It can be playgrounds or small parks. It’s also a good excuse to get her nearer to your house.
If you’re not making out with her and holding hands with her towards the end of your first date, you’re highly like unable to get her back to yours.
This is highly dependent on how good you are at ‘game’, building a connection, teasing, building a frame, getting her to chase and etc.
If you are physically intimate with her by now, then good, now you need an excuse to get her to your place. There’s no need for any fancy excuse. I use to put girls in my car and drive to mine without saying anything. These days, I simply say: “let’s chill at mine.”
The point is to make sure you’re not making her feel like a slut. Take the pressure off her. I often tell her not to mess up my room. Telling her if she stays over she’s sleeping on the floor and you’re the one who’s sleeping on the bed. Stuff like that to take the pressure off her and makes her feel less of a slut.
When you’re finally back at yours, get her to feel comfortable. You can box her around with your boxing gloves and be keep it genuinely light-hearted and playful: I treat her like a little sister that you never had. Then, you can start slowly be physically intimate with her. If she resist your advances, take a step back and empathise.
When you start kissing and there’s a bedroom involved, the rest is usually history. In my experience, sex from first dates do happen. However, the majority of them are going to happen on the second to third time you meet her. It all depends on the comfort level on her end and her values on sex. If you’re not at final base by the third date, she’s either not looking for casual sex or she has completely different values from you.