I found myself socially frozen in the club, barely able to talk to anyone. This is after approaching hundreds of girls in Singapore and all over the world. Just last week, I woke up feeling anxious about my business, my relationships and my finances. I felt worried about the path I’m headed down. This is after successfully raking in quite a reasonable income for myself the last month.
Instead of celebrating small successes, I’d put myself under further self-criticism and judgment.
The more ‘successful’ you are, the more you may judge yourself:
‘I need to outdo myself. If I made 4k last month, I need to make 5k the next. If not, I suck as an entrepreneur.’
‘I need to ramp it up to a 6 figure business by the end of the year.’
‘I need to get the 6 Pac abs’
‘I need to get my first class honours, then get my masters from a prestigious University’
‘I need to date girls that are 8,9 and 10s’
‘Oh, my friend is interning at a prestigious bank? Fuck, I need some catching up to do.?’
Your insecurities creep at the back of your head. They are unaddressed issues that you stuffed away for years.
Some of my insecurities include:
- I didn’t ACE my grades back in school
- I don’t have a degree
- I didn’t graduate from a prestigious University
- I don’t have a 6-7 figure a year business at the age of 26
I totally ignored the fact that most of my business pursuits are minimally profitable and I didn’t get screwed by overheads or shit-y partners. Yes, I spoke to a couple of guys recently that run million dollar businesses, one of them is younger than me. He didn’t bother with University and that didn’t affect him. Here I am, worrying about my University education and feeling far behind my peers.
However, how many can actually attest to starting a profitable business in their life? The majority of people, much less me peers never made cold hard cash in their own name.
I also ignored the fact that my family and I are comfortable financially. I manage a 5 figure investment account. I have travelled to 3-4 continents in the world solo and had a wealth of experiences that an average 26-year-old wouldn’t have.
I am so lucky in my life. Instead of being grateful, I choose to see the things I lack.
Through the years, I also got a lot more judgemental of people. If he or she said something negative, then FUCK him or her. He or she must just be some envious, insecure motherfucker.
I also felt the need to squeeze every single second out of the day to achieve, to get something out of. If anyone around me isn’t hustling or improving his or her life, then fuck him or her. I’ll simply tell myself to dismiss the relationship. This can be a dark place to stay in. Yes yes, at times, I’m an insecure, self critical asshole.
I realized you can never purchase true self esteem. True self esteem cannot be measured by your bank account, how much revenue your business is generating or which University you graduated from. It cannot be measured externally.
Perhaps I’m doing it prove my teachers wrong. I’m doing it to prove my parents wrong. I’m doing it to prove myself wrong.
I need to achieve. Whatever the fuck that means.
However, I realized that individual achievements cannot be everything. You can have the world at your feet but it comes at the cost of sacrificing everything or everyone. Then you’ll have nobody to share it with or celebrate with. That’s quite a meaningless life.
This is why I enjoy mentoring and teaching. I’m passing down knowledge and I’m helping others succeed.
Yesterday, I made a mental note to donate my old clothes to charity and take time off to visit a friend who just went through a knee surgery at his home. These things cost time and effort. However, it gives you perspective compared to constantly chasing the next racier relationship, the next business deal or the next achievement.
I think it’s okay to be caught up in the money/career chase, doing it for the fat bank account and the F.U. money.
Yes, go get rich.
However, if you get there, I highly recommend using the money to buy independence.
If you’re like me, who’s quite outspoken and unconventional with his ideas, I didn’t get into business just to get rich, I got into entrepreneurship also for the independence.
I remembered my free-er days as a broke 21-year-old undergraduate. I had nothing to lose. I had an A-Level certificate, no money, no skillsets and no nothing. All I had was a passion for knowledge, to learn and test ideas out.
I didn’t judge anyone around me for their behaviours. It didn’t matter if they are irresponsible or late, everyone got along because all of us didn’t have anything to our name. They were all I had. I was all they had.
These days things are fairly different.
I run a business, I got academic commitments, I’m dating coach, life coach and responsible for generating profits for the company for my future partners helping out with MarcusNeo.Com. There’s much more to lose. I’m no longer as free.